New Year's Resolutions

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

Well it's been a really long time since I have written in this cute little box of mine so here I am in another year which is starting... What shall I do with myself this year. Last year was pretty terrible and I didn't quite really have the gumption to put all that crap in here per say. It was a pretty horrible way to end the year but hey this is a new year things can only look up from here when you hit rock bottom?? All you have to do is look up and strive towards the top again I am pretty sure that I am going to fall and have to start over again but I will not be in the same position that I was in last year. Thank God for that one. See already small miracles are already happening. Sorry this took so long I was trying to fix my blog cause someone who shall remain nameless hacked my site and fucked it up. So I am trying to get it readable in the aspect of hey you can actually see some text. The angelfire logo is starting to drive me batty and without having to start over in the whole concept which I might have to do anyways and start with a fresh blog. Gasp Gasp. The whole idea actually scares the shit out of me if you can believe that. All that hard work programming this little thing will be in vain but thats the nature of the beast I guess. Well I best get started and I will tell you all about my New Year's a little later. Hugs Kisses Cassandra

On the binge

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

Currently at Marianno's house kicking it up after drinking at the local pub in Reedley. Nothing better to do then hang out with Michelle and Marianno who are completely smashed and hitting on each other. Not that I mind being the third wheel or anything which is not a big deal. Things have been good for me lately with my job and my family life of staying home and going to work. Not that I am complaining one little bit whatsoever believe you and me this is the life.

I am going to kill the person who messed with my website and screwed everything up for me because hell I wouldn't do that to you. So I am going to change all my passwords because its apparent to me that some people can't be trusted.

Well I hope that you all missed me and I will try to get on her more often to post some stuff. Life is pretty busy.

smooches. Cassie

Shock .... Gasp.... an update......

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

Well not a lot happening except that I have a new job as a CNC operator in Reedley where I get really dirty and mess up my hands with metal slivers. My friend in Alabama is going to move out here to get away from his life there and start a new here in Fresno. Although he is a very cool person Cedar my cousin is probally going to kill me for letting him come out here and stay with me. I have to admit I am looking forward to having a partner in crime to play non stop video games with and go clubbing like I have been doing. You can catch me at Rivers night club in Kingsburg. It's a cool ass spot that has the music full blast and the alcolhol which is pretty reasonably priced is really good. My friends from work are cool to work with and I have a good time there when things are going good. I have learned alot since I started but I still don't know how to program because all those G codes look like mumble jumble. So I will be back in a few weeks posting like crazy asap when I get my computer back from my cousin who did a few upgrades and a little tweaking to the computer to make it run faster with a hell of a lot of more memory to boot. I miss all of you guys and hope that you are still reading. I am doing fine and I am in good health. I am pretty happy with my life things are finally starting to look up. But for a few mishaps with money and finances where shit went awry I have had to stretch a buck further than you can imagine thats possible. Oh yeah I lost a 15 pounds which is a blessing and I am currently losing more weight. My goal is to lose till I am at least 130 which would suit my frame and make me completely happy. I will be perming my hair so thats its curly and easier to manage than my straight hair that I have to come up with ideas to style. I dyed my hair back to my natural color of dark brown with auburn highlights. But I will dye it a dark red that is almost black called black cherry which is really pretty in the light. So if you know my number call me cause I would love to hear from you. It's 1-559-232-0891 if I do not answer its because I am running my machine or I am sleeping. My break times are 5:00 7:30 and 10:00. I go to work at 2:30 so any time before that which is good. So love you all miss you stop by from time to time cause I will be posting soon. I have access to a computer from my neighbors so it will have to be on the weekends. Kisses and hugs in all that Jazz muah!

Bring in the new year

Well its another day in cleaning and throwing away shit that I do not need which probally practically everything I own. lol But things are looking up my face has cleared dramatically and I am no longer stressed out and unhappy. Things are not a 100% by no means but at least life has calmed down quite a lot. I don't have to worry about things anymore which is a blessing in disquise I think. Going to be getting a car soon as my tax return papers get here and I will go get my stuff all legit and be riding a car for once instead of riding my bike. Not that it didn't do me any good for my figure which helped keep whatever I was eating off my hips lol. But I am currently losing more weight since I don't feel the need to stuff my face at all which is a good thing. I talked to some good friends online who were pretty cool to chat with even though they were more than slightly intoxicated which I watched them drink glass after glass of sipping whiskey. Damm that is some potent stuff to say the least but hey that's there liver. I stayed up waiting for my brother to help me remove some useless furniture in my kitchen where I will be getting a new table and chairs plus a freezer to store meat and stuff like that. All in all I think I made out like a fat rat since the stuff is free and I don't have to pay a cent!!! I am thinking of getting some flower type stuff to put in the kitchen make it a more earthy feel to it since it is already green and has faeries in it. I think it will add a little more spice to it then just adding some more faerie pictures by Anne Geddess who is one of my favorite baby photograghers who captures babies in all that magical light.

I was thinking for my bedroom to go and make some velvet curtains in there to give it a gothic feel to it. I have this cool candle holder that is old my great grandmother gave me that is silver and slightly tarnished but I think it gives it a gothic feel to it. She is also giving me a bedroom set that is a four poster bed heavy cherry oak furniture that will look pretty awesome given that I refurnish my blankets to a dark cherry red or a burgandy color to set it off just right. Add a few rose gold shiny pillows that I was eyeballing with my mother at the fabric store and I could really have a little get away coming about. Plus add some silk ties to the whole works and you can use your imagination from there. Not like I am dating anyone right now which I think is a major plus. I can get my shit in order and figure out what the hell I am going to do with it. Besides I have friends right now and that is a good thing. Well I am out of here gentle readers stay out of trouble and stay focused.

Another bad day enough said?!!!

Free at last Free at last Thank God Almighty I am free at last

Freedom is the most precious gift anyone could give someone...

Things are really crazy right now and having very little sleep doesn't help.

But at least things are getting better my house is now half way clean tonight I will shampoo the carpets till they are the color they were when I moved in here.

New years spent delivering newspapers in my pj's (winnie the pooh's) which was rainy and miserable which I guess is the way it is supposed to be. The day turned out alright except too many miserable shit at home to depress the ever living hell out of you. I hate males in general because they hurt you, they lie to you, and then when they are done throw you away like you are nothing but the trash.

Sliding to 4th base

A funny thing happen to me today while I was delivering newspapers. Somebody and I will not name names because they have more money than me and could sue the pants off me.... :::grins::: Well back to my story then, decided to make this cutesy little baby fence on there property to separate the plants from the sidewalk which has several different places on there yard that in the dark is pretty much hard to see. I was running along jumping the fence that is normal height instead of midget proof getting ready to deliver a newspaper in there front porch when I didn't see that miniature fence and got tripped up. Now you know its pretty dark about 2:30 in the morning and the visibility is poor because rich people love big and low hanging tree's to disturb your vision. Well silly me decided to run across the lawn since a straight line is faster than going around back off someone's property and taking forever to deliver a newspaper. Well here I am running like Forest Gump jumping a few low fences when I hit a dead stop that knocks me off my feet and sends me flying through the air. Picture this folks Cassandra flying through the air like Superman without the cape getting ready to take a serious tumble on the ground. Instead of landing hard which thankfully saved me from serious injury I slide about 10 feet on a very frost bitten grass. The icy grass saved me from an embarrassing landing instead I slide like a little bobsled queen for a few feet. I got back up and of course looked around to see if I was caught in the act of pure folly. But thankfully no one that I saw had a good laugh at my expense except maybe God himself. The moral of the story is look for low flying fences before you take off in mid flight.

:::Thought you might find this funny:::

I still think neopets rocks seriously and if you are anybody you should join my evil monkey's neocircle where I will corrupt you with your food. Plus you can earn rare items in return my suggestion to you is to open a shop so that your neopoints can soar as high as mine. Its a hobby of mine and one that has impressed its dedication to my soul. NEOPETS IS AWESOME Just in case you didn't get the first time. My slave grave has changed into a baby and regressed into something thats blue which I do not like but I will find a pet brush and change it to a halloween pet brush which I am seriously coveting. Well peace and I am out of here

Christmas was a little hectic at my great Grandmothers house who is 89 years old and that makes four generations of the Ellis clan happy and alive. Well almost my grandmother which is affectionately named Granny because of the usual number of grandmothers alive you kind of get confused on what to call them but Granny has always been Granny. I didn't even know her name till I was around 21 and wondered why a person named Murtis was getting mail at her address when I was nice enough to get her mail for her. My Granny is a fiercely independent women which is a dominant trait in all the women in our family because usually we have to do everything ourselves so we don't depend on others.

Back to what I was going to tell you is that she is getting real sick which is not a big surprise but kind of takes me back because in your child like mind you always think that they are going to live forever. That a place like heaven is some mythological place where the angels and God are having one big family reunion with all the people that die. Granny has fallen so many times and her walking ability is seriously lagging. It hurts me to see her in this state which I have many times taken care of other people's great grandmother but somehow it affects you more when its your own flesh and blood standing next to you. My Granny's eyes are bruised like she got into a championship fight with Mike Tyson without all that ear biting he has done recently. Her ribs are bruised and she refuses to sit down and let us younger folk do any of the cooking unless she is barking orders like a drill sergeant. Be it as it may the lack of sleep didn't help my Christmas spirit at all when I got like 3 hours sleep for the two days I was there due to circumstances beyond my control and sleeping arrangements. Blow up mattresses are a serious blunder of science and no respectable person should be subjected to that type of torture unless you are a traitor to your country.

My cousin Carl whom I think is just about one of the smartest programmers out there showed me a hmtl program that rocks and I feel sick to my stomach when I see how easily you can create your own web site with his programs. I can do all those neat little stuff that I spend hours writing up the HMTL in pure written form when all you have to do is point and click. Damm aren't programmers ingenious or what? SO the next time I go down there I am going to bring my tower and load my computer with so many programs that I can happily lounge in the privacy of my home and create a seriously cool website. The best thing about it that it only takes about 25 minutes to create a breathe takingly beautiful site filled with some complicated programs. Damm life should be that easy click, point, and delete!!!!

I went over to my Grandmothers house which is Ola if you don't know or Nanna to others house and spent Christmas Eve cleaning her trailer from top to bottom. My sinuses where seriously protesting under the wave after wave of dust that I had to wipe away. Every few seconds I would rinse out my sponge because the dirt and grim was pathetic. I am seriously wondering what the hell she does everyday and why the hell does she let herself and her place of residence go into such a terrible state? I know that you can't be perfect but that was a seriously disgusting mess that I didn't even want to use the bathroom. (I didn't use her toilet once and didn't eat there because I wasn't sure she cleaned the dishes properly) For those who don't know she is a terrible cook and if you ever had the displeasure of eating her miracle spaghetti you were lucky to walk away alive. Don't ask me how you can mess up cooking spaghetti from a can and adding a little pasta but damm did she screw it up seriously. Laughs you had to be there I guess which waiting a few bites of that just sent me a one way guaranteed trip to heaven because we didn't want to hurt her feelings so we ate as little as we could till she went out of the room and ran to the trash asap to dump it without her being the wiser. And volunteering to take out the trash which didn't really needed it but hid our deception from her and spared her feelings from being hurt. Then went out to a nice restaurant where we gourged ourselves in a big nice slab of cow that was smothered in onions and mushrooms. Life is good when you can take a nice steak and make it mouth watering perfect. How in the hell does someone get the beef to almost melt in your mouth when my steak is good but not that good. I really think its the beef that you buy at the store and the choice of cut should be a serious consideration.

All in all my Christmas wasn't that bad I got to see my great Grandmother who bitched and nagged us till we were hard pressed not to say anything mean or inconsiderate. I hide myself into the shallow cave of my cousin's room and played on the computer making his site better which he didn't know a few tricks of the trade which were so simple that he laughed at his folly. But mostly it was his teaching me the basics and the advanced techniques that seriously gave thought to becoming a programmer or web designer. I am going to look up the class and prices and see if I can afford it in the near future and see where that goes!! I didn't get any presents for Christmas which is no big surprise but kind of hurts a little but the child in you wants to see big shiny wrapped presents with big bows under the Christmas tree. Didn't have a tree either unless you count a rotating fake tree that only stands about a foot tall with pretty rainbow lights that somehow instills the Christmas spirit in you. I guess when I get older I will look back fondly on these times and remember when I had so little that going to the dollar store for my kids Christmas will be funny. Pathetic I know but nobody is helping me and that was the only way to have something for them without them being hurt. All in all it was a success because all you have to do is buy a ball of any sort for Zack and he is happy. Cassandra is a little different but thanks to friends and family they made up for my lack of funds which made things great for them.

You know what I miss the most is being loved by someone which is the most precious thing you can ever imagine if you never fully had it in return. Because the misery is bittersweet to love someone who doesn't love you in return. Joy is my life. As always I live in my dreams and follow whatever path that lays in front of me whether I like it or not.

My list

So I am in a foul mood so sue me you can't have my leather couches because they are the few reasons I am still living today

ZACK
CASSANDRA
NEOPETS
FRIENDS
BLACK LEATHER COUCHES
SEX

Take those precious things away from me and you got a very horrible person on your hands. I know that mentally I am about the strongest person you will ever meet because how many of you can take the shit I was dealt and still be sane in any sense of the word? I just want to know whats up with the cosmic joke at my expense? Cause I am not laughing and if you are laughing at me then tell me the punch line of the joke so I can get on with my life. I just wish for once that I can be happy. I can't remember being happy in so long that the thought makes me sick to my stomach. That this pestimistic view point in my life somehow stems from my experiences which I wish profoundly that I can go back and change and somehow come from these experiences less jaded. I don't see all those peaches and cream dreams that somehow everyone out there but me actually gets to experience. Well I have to get dressed for work wish me luck and I hope it doesnt rain on me.

Things are going wrong but you can't seem to change it

I really detest Christmas because every Christmas I have had has fallen through one way or another which I am not particularly fond of. But I have gotten great gifts in the past like a beautiful rose that you add scented oil. A crystal necklace that was pink and had sun, moon, and stars on it. Mostly my gifts were medieval in nature inspiring the ancient times but the most precious gift I have received which is priceless is the gift of friendship. Although I have a hard time giving as much effort as the next person to friendship because I truly think somewhere in the back of my mind they are going to do something to disappoint me cause in point of my some of my friends who don't even call me. I have a few great ones that I can put on my right hand which isn't saying much for myself!!! Either says one (A) your a loser (B) your anti-social (C) your personality stinks (D) maybe you are a little to analytical for your own good (E) get some new friends.

I haven't spoken to Carla and Cliff for awhile which is no big surprise as there many brush offs to hang out which is kind of hurtful since we were so close in the past. But I do realize that people change and your friendships although great and wonderful might not be so in reality since you are reliving them in your memory. I have a lot of those friendships that I can remember cause in point Jason who is entirely wonderful in his own way if you can get past a few fundamental flaws that even he is so flauntingly blind. My friend Sandman who is wonderfully talented has a warped since of humor and I wish wholeheartedly that whatever demons he posses he keeps so that he can continue his works of art. I am looking forward to a heavy metal chick lady somewhere in the near future (hint hint)

I am still doing the same thing I have to get dressed to throws some papers for some rich people who pay on time thank god for that. I do not collect money from them since it is done through the mail which is a blessing in disguise. I get my tax returns pretty damm soon which for me is a huge and wonderful thing because hey I can get a car pay some rent. Buy some things that are lacking like Christmas presents for my kids which I can hit some great sales. I am still passionately depressed lurking in the confines of my brain I still see myself as the misfit girl who doesn't belong any where and doesn't under any circumstances deserve happiness. I think somewhere god forgot to add that to his to do list and make my life just a tad bit easier. My face has taken a lot of blows to it which if you see my pictures they look cool but hey I don't look like that everyday. You should see me sick I am a horrible ghoul just lurking under pale white skin that is a little too white for comfort. Although the gothic look is in these days which I am profoundly stuck in that style but don't have the means to look the part these days. I wonder if there is a place for me in this world where everything will just click together and work for a change. I am really tired of the bad luck that has been haunting me since I was born.

(A) I have chopped off my toe had it surgically put back on
(B) Burnt the top of my foot and had to get my skin peeled which you can't see a scar thankfully
(C) I have electrocuted myself when I bit into an electrical cord when I was little
(D) Broke my wrist playing soccer as a goalie when a fellow team mate kick the ball the wrong way snapped my wrist like a twig :::fun stuff:::
(E) My many car accidents that have nearly taken my life but have left me with scars to remind me how lucky I am to be alive ::one more inch either way and I could have been dead::
(F) Failed attempts to ride a skateboard in which I was too stubborn to quit so I have scars on my knees and wrists
(G) Some Zoobie in Utah hit me on my skates when I was rollerblading home from work and got road rash on my stomach arms and legs. Had to take a wire brush to myself and scrub the gravel out cause I wasn't about to let someone else do it for me :::luckily no visible scaring::
(H) Been lied to so many times in the past by potential boyfriends that my heart is beating poorly and doesn't see the gold at the end of the rainbow
(I) Many accidents with pills that I have taken because I was too damm depressed to go on living it literally hurt to breathe.
(J) Physical and mental abuse from boyfriends who like to make me cry and see how far they can push me before I have brake
(K) The horrendous damage a parent can do to you in your younger years when you find out that parents do lie and they are not to be trusted ever
(L) Your first love breaks your heart by simply not telling you
(M) Getting knocked up by your boyfriend and him denying paternity of your child which you have to go through 7 years of financial hell just for him to see the truth because he is a loser
(O) Having your next boyfriend treat you so bad that the thought of suicide is a welcome release from many lies and hurtful words because he simply can't find it in his heart to love you just as you are plus knock you up and treat you like shit because he can
(P) Finally and lastly which pretty much takes the cake is to have whatever scrap of hope that you have left taken from you by the people you love who simply don't care enough to acknowledge your existence

So tell me good folks why is it that God wants me on this earth again because I think I am missing the great picture right now because I am seriously going to complain when I see him next.

Those who post

Thank you for signing my guest book and guest map for those who actually took the time to do it I appreciate your comments. I adding some more questions that I thought would spice it up a little so feel free to add whatever you want.

I got a paper route that I have to get up 3:00 in the morning so wish me luck. I am not too thrilled getting that earlier but hey its money and I need to do it for the welfare of my family. Joy joy joy. Well talk to you later love and all that jazz. To the people I know and can't get a hold of due to your lack of emailing or picking up the telephone I wish you a Merry Christmas and hope that you are happy. Love you all Cassandra