Letting GO of things you dont really need

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

Going to sell my beloved couches which is pretty much the only thing that ever had me with those dollar signs in your eyes stopped me dead in my tracks.  Megans going to see if one of her family members wants them and for how much who knows.  Selling the rims to my car that I have bought awhile ago when I had my Saturn.  sad face but the only thing that keeps me going is that I know one day Ill have this all back or Ill be dead and it wont matter much...  I sit here thinking the bright side of this is when I get my new place I will look forward to decorating it again with my own stuff that I will have to work for and buy again.  I keep losing so much of my stuff its starting to bother me again.  Im trying to keep this non caring attitude and be the person I am supposed to be.  My bestie offered me money and that was the nicest thing that has happened all week of course I didn't take it because well I can't do that but the offer was sincere and wonderful at the same time.  Meet new friends now Erik, John, and Tyler happy face new peeps to talk to and of course they are all boys lol.

Smoking is for dummies a public safety message

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

NOT EVERYBODY IS GIVEN A CHANCE

To discover they have a sister who lived for most of her life right down the street from me.  Whether we passed each other on the street maybe connected for a few moments our eyes not knowing while glancing at each other thats my sibling.  Our mutual father Marvin Charles Morris aka Butch sired us a very long time ago along with a string of siblings we have yet to discover together although my sister Erika has done a very good job of cyber stalking any potential candidate with alarmingly patience and determination.  Im glad she did this Christmas this past year was hard for me beyond hard you have no idea.  My uncle was being his usual lets abuse anyone around me and see how far I can push people to their breaking point.  I contemplated throwing myself in front of a huge as semi passing by just to get away from him he is that bad.  I really didn't have any friends talked to my friend Bryan every once in awhile but all he said was hey harpy cheer up its not that bad damm you punk you had no idea.  I tried reaching out to people to distract me but they were either too busy or didn't even bother answering their phones.  I rarely let myself get too close to people they find a way of disappointing me and its just easier relying on yourself.  I have a few friends but im trying not to get too close to these crazy ass inhabitants of my general space. 

You have no idea how hard it is to watch a piece of shit human being smoke in the car with babies or small children and not say anything to these dumb ass people smoking in front of their kids is a way of life.  HELLO FUCKING PEOPLE smoking kills or do you think people dying in hospitals every second of the day is just television propaganda to deter you from smoking.  I HATE EVERYONE OF YOU STINKING SONS OF BITCHES thats not respectful of your childrens health you selfish dumb ass oblivous dick heads.  Okay I think I have that out of my system.  I just want to take a baseball bat and bash there mother fucking skulls in thanks mom you gave me cancer and I dont even smoke.  I have asthma and allergies cause my parents are lacking in general common sense.  I wont call you guys retards because even they have more intelligence than you are displaying.  DO you think this is a touchy subject with me more and more I find them doing it and I just want to do shaking baby syndrome to them over and over again till either they drop dead or comatosed.  Yeah thats pretty much all I have to say about that okay back to talking with my sister and rocking out to music thats todays rant EYES BIG.  Nobody ever said I was going to be sunshine and rainbows this bitch has teeth and I know how to use it....

Finding your soulmate 101

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

For my sister in the ever relenting quest for searching for your soul mate...

1. Make yourself a better person. Instead of waiting for your soulmate to appear, make yourself apparent to him or her. Become the spectacular human being you want to be. Expressing your individuality is the closest you can come to advertising your soulmate potential. Not only will you stand out, but you'll also be doing things that are more likely to bring you closer to your soulmate, who probably has similar interests and goals.


2. Remember that your soulmate might not be what you expect. If there's only one person in the world who can be your soulmate, what are the chances that she'll live in your town, look like the people you grew up with, or even speak the same language? If you're expecting your soulmate to be love at first sight, you might never find what you're looking for. So keep an open mind. Part of the romance of having a soulmate is being pleasantly surprised.
3. Be patient. Fate doesn't work on a schedule. Your soulmate might cross your path when you're 8 or 80 years old. Yes, you might look forward to spending the majority of your life with your soulmate--perhaps buying a house, getting married, starting a family--but it may or may not be in the cards. A soulmate isn't always a lifemate. Your soulmate will color your world no matter how old you are, so don't rush into things, or else you might end up forcing the wrong person into the soulmate box, which will cause pain for everyone involved.
4. 4
   Accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be. When you've got all these fantasies flying around in your head about how wonderful and special your soulmate will be, it can be easy to look for those specific characteristics and features in anyone you get involved with. Unfortunately, unrealistic expectations can ruin a relationship, and might even chase your soulmate away. Whoever it is that you think might be your soulmate, appreciate their individuality and trust that if this person is your soulmate, they'll never need to change who they are for you, just like you'll never need to change who you are for them.
5. Weather the storms. Contrary to what popular media would have you believe, meeting your soulmate doesn't guarantee "happily ever after." Things won't get easier when you find that special someone and in fact, they might get even harder. Ultimately, a soulmate is someone you can grow with, and the only way to grow together is to face challenges together. So if you put your heart and soul into a relationship, stick with it through the ups and downs, even when you question whether it's meant to be, and you might look back decades later and realize that you were with your soulmate all along.

Find yourself before you find your soulmate. Once you're happy with yourself, a soulmate will make you even happier, but no one can fill a void created by not knowing who you are. Only you can do that.

The more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet your soulmate, so try and talk to as many people as possible. You never know if the next person you talk to could be your soulmate.

Pursue interests and activities that mean a lot to you. The Internet has made this a whole lot easier. Check forums, listings, classifieds, and Internet mailing lists (known as "listservs") for local events or meetings that are likely to attract people with similar interests or passions.

Don't be too picky. If you keep holding out for the perfect person, you're guaranteed to miss out. If you're in a room full of people with similar interests, you should be able to pick out one or two people who you'd like to date--not 10, not 0. Make it a point to not leave the event without showing interest and making a connection with a few people.

When you meet someone who feels like soulmate potential, don't get carried away. It's so easy to get lost in fantasies of how awesome your relationship might be, but with those fantasies come high expectations, and sometimes those expectations are unrealistic! Make it a point to remind yourself that this new person is human, which means they're not perfect. They will make mistakes, and you need to be ready to cope and forgive, rather than act shocked that the person dares to be anything but perfect.

While you're waiting for your soulmate, people might question why you're single. They might even imply that something is "wrong" with you if you're "still" single. Brace yourself for that kind of ignorance. Remember that you don't have to defend your being single, just like it's rude to attack the validity of someone's relationship.

Have you ever wanted or looked for something, but only found it when you stopped looking? The same principle might work for finding your soulmate. Become so busy with your life that you totally forget about meeting your soulmate and, odds are, that's when your soulmate will pop up.

Another tip would be to NOT date the same person five times. Even if he/she is your soulmate/love-of-your-life the fact that you broke up fives times says a lot. Just move on. Stop thinking about this person and questioning "what if?" because chances are that if you didn't get those "what ifs?" answered in the five times you were together, it's not going to work out a sixth time.

Know who you are, know what you want, and know how to get what you want. Most importantly, be love, be loving, and be lovable. Love will find you and you will find it.

This may have been said a lot but be patient. Good things actually come to those who are patient, so live life and have fun. Be the definition of your soulmate and he/she will come running to you. The link between you and finding your soulmate is faith. Don't EVER lose that.

Been awhile I know but I didn't want to write about nonsense or anything that isn't important.  A few things has happened since the last time I have written.  First off I live in Richland Mississippi population maybe a few thousand smiles if I'm lucky.  A huge highway goes right smack down the middle of the town which is the main road that has all the shopping centers.  I found out who are my real friends and who isn't.  I found out that family will disappoint you and you have to try to forgive them but not forget that they aren't to be trusted at all under no circumstances.  That aunts who say they love you agree with your evil uncle just to keep the peace because they are afraid to open their mouth to a tyrant who rules with an iron mouth full of hateful words and manipulation.  I learned even when you are all alone that God sees all and is watching you so try to act your best even when no one is looking.  That no matter what is said about you they can't change your opinion of you that you should live in the sunshine that's in your mind and remember your happy place.  I can't change the people's mind but I can show them with my actions.  I had to get rid of cousins who didn't or couldn't be there for me because once again my uncle wouldn't allow it.  It's easier to go with the system then fight against it and live with the uncomfortable consequences when it makes your life hard.  I can understand and forgive you Denise Ellis but I was there for you even when I was tired and had to go to work you and Steven.  I supported you when you wanted to go back to your cheating husband who abandoned you to your dads house with no income.  Cause I know what it is like to live without your heart because of foolish pride and stupidity.  When he was making your life miserable I answered your call no matter if I was sleeping or busy because I knew you needed someone to listen to you cry and vent your frustrations to someone.  I know the people you love will disappoint you time and time again but there are some people who don't I have a few of them you know who you are.

I now have a sister named Erika Morris who I learned of a few months ago.  I guess my father did a few things right in his life time.   Erika and I have developed a bond in a short amount of time the loneliness isn't so great. I'm trying to put into words all that has happened in a few short months but its really hard to do I just feel that she was put in my life in a time when I really needed it.  She is a blessing to me.

My moms health isn't the best and she is clear across the states and it would be hard for me to get to her.  It makes me sad about my situation but I'm plugging along trying to smile even though I can barely stand it.   Grandma Ola isn't the best person to be around or even live with she has grown old and mean in her age when Cherry finds this out I wonder how she is going to take it.  

It is hard being in a new place and having to put 100lbs of groceries on a bike and get it from point a to point b without retards trying to hit you with their car.  I realize what I am capable of that sort of strength I didn't realize I possessed I know my kids need it.  I don't ask for help not from Bobbi not from anyone here their isn't really a point because if they said no they would disappoint me.  The only time people call me is when they want something that I can do for them.  I feel a thousand miles away from family even though within an hours time traveling they live in walking distance.  I really hate the holidays down here and hope that I will not be subjected to any Xmas down here because that would be a lonely occasion how in the hell would I get a tree to my house?  Where would I even begin to search for one and I know for a fact that that damn thing would be fucked up by the time I dragged it home.

I am thankful that I have a job even if its minimum wage something a few other people would like to have I'm good at it but damn do they try my nerves.  I still get the groupies calling in and complaining about me that hasn't changed I doubt unless I move it will still always happened he always has to bring people down if he doesn't get his way.

I am trying to define my life here in the endless cycle of go to work; cook food; clean the house; and go to sleep.  We can't afford to do anything I'm struggling to stay afloat if it wasn't for my mom we would be sunk.  I have forgiven Bobbi but I keep her on a short leash I know that she is pumping me for information about my mother so Steve would know.  I just want to wake up in my own house with my own stuff and not have to worry about bugs that chase you around and fly.  I want to be happy again even if its fleeting and find someone who can stand my quirks and flaws and love me for me.  Good luck smiles

So I discovered I really like to PVP

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So im sitting there one day with the horde trying to bash my face in with there weapons and thinking screw this its time to show them whats up and get up close and personal.  Now I liked to pvp with Bryan before but I didn't have the gear which made it not so fun when your dying almost instantly.  Now im pvping with Jon and Marvin which together makes a really bad combination because the time seems to fly like nothing.  Im swear im going to get laugh lines on my face because im giggling so hard.  Woke up the other day laughing with the sound of Jons voice in my head damm.  Thanks man thanks...  Erik seems to be having a hard time coming to grips with either loving wow or trying to get his career in professional bike racing in motion.  Sometimes you just gotta decide which is more important and throw whatever you have thats making you unhappy out the window.

I cant really say much waiting to go to work on call but not really working sucks im ready to leave this place.  Oh to be in Idaho kinda not sure if thats the right place for me or not but I know its going to be the place im going.  Have to make magic happen or things will get bad real quick decided once im there got a job that Imma kill myself with school and work till im at the place I need to be in my life independent again and having my own space without someone else trying to dictate to me how to live when you hardly ever worked in your life been living off your parents and your ex for awhile.  

A Knights Tale

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

ONE of the greatest love letters ever

My Dearest Jocelyn
Its strange to think I haven't seen your since a month.  I have seen the new moon but not you.  I have seen the sunsets and sunrises but nothing of your beautiful face.  The pieces of my broken heart are so small they can be passed thru an eye of a needle.  I miss you like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.  Instead of beauty to direct it's light to the heart.  It hardens like the frozen world your heart has banished me to.  Hope guides me its what gets me thru the day and specially the night.  The hope after your gone from my sight that it will not be the last time I look upon you.  With all the love I posses I possess I remain yours.
The Knight of your heart...

This song made me cry

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::I wanna be loved like that

This is what Im going to tell future boyfriends if they cant handle that then piss off enough said.

Forgiveness of Self

SERENITY                             You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

I think I realized my problem today and realized why why why I push people away.  Why I only let people get so close than I just completely shut down.  Megan was a lesson but who am I to be so perfect Im not believe me I try to be but I fail completely.  Haven't you ever done something so terrible that you wish that person could forgive you?  If the roles were reversed would you be so forgiving and just turn the other cheek.  I have had betrayals toward my person the first one Gavin who I didn't turn the other cheek and the other Megan whom choose what she wanted to do.  The first one I had to let you go because honestly your unworthy of me and I couldn't be the person you needed in your life.  You most certainly wasn't the person whom you projected yourself to be trying to earn my trust with falsehood and lies but like everything eventually it all comes out in the wash.  Megan I can forgive because she was sincere in her apology and my mother said something awhile ago while I was talking on the phone to her when I asked her how she was able to forgive Jeanetta her transgressions...  She said sometimes it isn't worth living without that person whom you loved so much in the first place sometimes you just gotta give a little in return.  Motau who hurt me so deeply that I thought the very act of breathing would kill me I forgave a long time ago but the trust was never there.  I am sorry for walking away from getting married and hurt you in that way.  But that one little lie which you know what im speaking about crushed me so deep that it was a knee jerk reaction to walk away and just give up.  I closed myself my heart my life my everything up I have never loved another as I have loved him he will always be the love of my life.  I do not think I possess the ability to love another in that way.  I know that I love my friends would without hesitation die for them or those whom I consider my family.  A person the other day told me that me calling them my best friend was insignificant *he didnt use this word but thats how I took it* sadly this is completely untrue.  I dont have a lot of friends because I look for the most amazing people I can find and I keep them not only as friends but family.  I think I have a handful of friends that I completely and utterly trust with my secrets and personal thoughts.  I say this your are my best friend because you are worthy of the title and that I have put my trust in you because you have shown me the valor of your person and I am completely impressed.  That there is no hiding behind false masks or putting up airs just because as you have said im am unworthy.  I already know where I stand with you and im completely happy and satisfied in that position.

So back to the dream it struck me as profound the person telling me this I haven't forgiven myself of my faults I live with it I breathe it I punish myself for it everyday.  I deny myself the one thing I ultimately want because I do not think myself worthy of it.  Self loathing is a pain you have no idea I second guess everything myself the things around me.  I constantly analyze every situation down to the molecule and then do it some more.   I have burned bridges because you have done some pretty gnarly stuff to me that I find that I can't even look at your face for.  I have yet to call Mariano dont have the desire or the need to do so.  I already know the pressure from your family has had you call me because you dont want to lose face not that you really care but you must present yourself as the good guy.  But I already know what a crappy ass person you are your not fooling me im just sad that you couldn't be the person you are when you are with me twenty four seven instead you think its a weakness.  I told you before when I asked for help that I would never contact you again that you pretty much killed it the mere fact that you didnt call yourself other than this last time i have lost respect.  Once gone its pretty much DONZO.

I feel like I am trying to hard to hang out with people when before they were searching me out to hang with them that I am doing way too much.  So pretty much  I will step back and just let it be don't try anymore if you want to hang with me then you will.  If you don't than it is what it is and whatever happens happens.  I can't make you see what is already right in front of your face.

I painted my nails today this fierce purple and when my foot stops being completely and utterly stupid  I will paint my toes purple.  Hates the fact that im super allergic to everything and walking on anything dirty regardless of changing my socks three times a day gives me hives which I cant help but itch.  I wish I never discovered the pleasure of scratching.  Anybody who has ever scratched that itch or have had someone scratch their back understand the sheer cat like pleasure it gives you.

My Jade is being real real real special you have no idea with the non listening, the disrespect, and the plain willfulness to do what she wants instead of listening.  Yesterday was the dog, not putting back the stool, refusing to eat delicious food that she wants me to cook than deems it unworthy of eating, not wanting to go to bed at a decent time regardless of how many times she gets punished.  I am at my wits end with her.  You ever feel like the worst parent on the planet -----> points to self points to self.  Currently feeling the weight of being a single parent and wishing she was never born.  My mother was always able to pawn off her kids to grandparents and or uncles whenever she felt the need to get away from us years at a time.  Why arent I so damm lucky?  They see Jade and they are like fuck no hell no shit no....  I am completely and utterly physcially and mentally exhausted.  I realized at this exact moment I dont need a man I need a champion who only wears Cassandra's colors proudly.  Where is such a person?  When you deem me worthy God let me know cause frankly my heart is held together by duct tape, super glue, rubber bands, silly putty, paper clips, and some twine.  I could really really really use a hug and not feel so damm alone in the world.

Letting Go...

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

Sometimes when you see the person who hurt you so badly really upset and crying you kinda gotta let them know its okay even what they did was wrong you just let it go.  I saw Megan tonight really upset and yeah I could of done some shady shit back to her but whats the point really?!  Yeah your probally thinking is this girl crazy...  Probally a little mostly alot grins boinks head but I really dont have it in me to be mean to Megan ignore her yes but mean no.  Besides I got rid of all my stuff I was completely and utterly mad for about three weeks and then one day I just woke up not angry.  Looked at my missing stuff or lack their off and said fuck it Ill get it back who knows this purging of personal belongings might be what I need to motivate me to do something better with my life.  I remember when I lost my belongings before my baby books everything that I ever wanted cared for or needed my childhood memories gone.  I think there is something to find out in the world something I need to do and maybe in another state is where I should be.  Kind of a new adventure imma embrace it whole heartedly and try to find peace and solitude in the country.

Although getting even with Gavin was pretty much a really really really good thing.  Bastard was trying to play his gf against me when he said he wasnt dating and im telling him I only want to be friends...  Thank you for my gut instinct telling me he is being hella shady and not telling the truth.  I followed it to the letter and came up with the right answer.  Im sorry Starla for hurting you was never my intention but Gavin is an asshat who should of been more of a human being instead of pond scum.  Karma is a bitch Gavin what you put out in the universe will come back to haunt you and I was tired of being pushed around because im nice...  I hope that you finally get what you deserve and trying to date a 17 year old is kinda pathetic dont you think.  Happy face to me for letting that person go out of my life who is entirely unworthy of being alive when you prey on little girls because no one older in their right mind will let you have them.  Thank you god for me having the presence of mind to ignore you trying to push me into sex thank you thank you.  Otherwise I could of been a miserable peep being played by a very very very little boy.

All things happen for a reason and in the chaos of the world it all evens out somehow.

So I end this journal where I started very very very happy that im not drinking that I can watch my roommates be complete and utter lushes smiles.  Tomorrow I gotta get my car smogged again pay for the tags and get that together so when I leave its all done pray that all the crap thats wrong with my truck is fixed and finally done.  Crosses fingers.  Magic will happen I know this if I put enough elbow grease into it...  So tonight when I go to bed imma pray and ask God what I can do for him?!!!

Caveman and Guns

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So yeah today was a good day but it came with a quick and utter realization that men are still Caveman that need to be wiped from existence.  Juan my cousins boyfriend told her he wouldn't marry her unless she became a true catholic even though he got with her already knowing her religious status.  Now currently the asshat doesn't want to man up when he knocked her up.  That her being his long time girlfriend is good enough for the mother of your child whom you claim to love.  Why oh why are guys so fucking and utterly pathetic to think my beautiful cousin
wouldnt leave his dumb ass is beyond me.  I am rightfully pissed off not the first time he has done this to her.

Oooh and another subject yeah Gavin Lee Coak biggest asshat on the planet thought he could play me like a fool.  Like this chick isn't smart enough to connect the dots and follow the t's.  I went with my gut instinct on this one and followed my nose posted a few things seeing if I would get a bite and I did.  Come to find out he has a gf named Starla Silvestri on facebook that he has been gfs with for awhile after professing his love for me and wanting to come out to see me.  Yeah I realize that even being his friend is a complete waste of time that he will try to manipulate the situation any way he can.  Considering you used to be my best friend and now look at you your an asshat not even worthy of being called a human being thank you GOD for showing me the true error of my ways before I even let that guy ever put a hand on me.  THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Now my dearest friend Blaine is worthy of mention because he is a beautiful soul and a saint.  Married to his lovely wife and treats her with love and respect the way he should.  Thank you thank you god for shining examples of how to act.  My friend online takes care of his wife she just had a baby and he stays up all night with him just to let his wife sleep because she is exhausted and he loves his wife dearly.  Another example.

Sigh why oh why must I be this angry I wanna go to sleep I really really wanna go to sleep just I cant and I feel like I should do something anything to make this feeling go away.  Going to bed so I can pretend that there arent assholes out there trying to get with me just so they can have a conquest...  I am a beautiful person and no you cant have none of this...  I will wait for the right person whom I need to be with for the rest of my life or I will not sleep with you...

Bittersweet Memories

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So today I woke up late because I couldn't sleep not one wink last night no matter how hard I tried just couldn't make myself sleep I was completely restless.  When I finally woke up I felt like I didn't get enough sleep whatsoever so basically I felt completely lethargic.  Trying to figure my whole situation out more get into grips the whole fact that im leaving my mom behind to start over in a place that is completely new to me.  Kinda scary kinda nice but I will know no one there so I will not have any friends to hang out with.  How am I going to occupy myself with the time I have on hand...  I already know what I am going to do just dont know how and the heck im going to go about doing it.

Lisa needed a pick me up today so I took what money I had bought pizza and soda just so we can hang out together.  I think you need to do these things she is a single mother like me dealing with all this crap alone and from one sister to another life is hard.  I can understand how you would get frustrated with being alone in the responsibility of raising kids.  Hell I haven't had any help whatsoever they expect me to be wonder woman and enjoy it I dont.  I can't complain too bad my girls are my world they are these complete beautiful little women who one day will be mothers on their own.  The water got turned off at Lisa's house so she really really really needed to take a shower and if you can imagine how hot it is here and the little babies running around getting into everything.  A shower is a small blessing in disguise you have no idea.   I wont be able to see her for a very very very long time.  I think things happen for a reason that we can't perceive and understanding will come in time.  I know things cycle around a couple of times so if I dont get to see you in real life again there is always facebook.

So many thoughts are running inside my head I dont know what to do and how to do them half the time.  What to say what not to say how to be what not to be.  This viscious circle.  I see this opportunity to be happy if I am bold enough to take it but am I worthy enough to take it is the question?  

The big move

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So yeah im moving soon getting my truck ready tomorrow im going to get rid of stuff that I dont need anymore and downsize what little I have left.  I am kinda sad to get rid of my couches that I love so damm much they have been with me forever.  But really Megan left me with little choice in the matter with her ultimatum she gave her husband.  Im kinda wondering why she is being nice to me all of a sudden you know like maybe her guilt should be kicking in.  I am not mean to her just honestly its not the same anymore she betrayed me in the worst way possible and im pretty sure she doesn't see it.  I am still doing the same things I did before but my heart isnt in it anymore she tries to talk to me and I nod my head but im not really listening.  Im glad for her finally getting off her butt and finishing up her paperwork for her citizenship maybe she will actually contribute to her husband for once and get a job good luck with that.  I will begin my new life with my friends and family in Idaho where I can finally find some stability I desperately need kinda sucks being alone all your life and having to depend on yourself.  I am hoping my stinking car will make it there which I have no doubts been fixing it left and right plus the accidents with my tires made me pay for something that already needed to be replaced.  What can I say im a very popular girl in someones book I guess.  I am very very very tired of being in this position alone been like this longer than it should of been.  I am completely glad im not with James anymore I rarely think of him anymore and why should I.  Those things are in the past now I must look into the future.
I hang  out with a couple of my friends online mostly Bryan who likes to make fun of me everyday sometimes its funny catches me off guard sometimes it pisses me off I think he enjoys the reaction I have.  There will be people I will miss when im out of phone range and internet access.  Im enjoying my access right now when its gone I know I will be kinda lost but I will focus on something new instead of the same ole stuff.  It will force me to get out of this shell that I have put myself in.  I cant wait to hang out with Mary and her family out in Idaho and in Utah.  I really want to be out of this place starring at these four walls is starting to take its toll.  Jill my wonderful friend I will get to see her family after so long and we can have a blast for a few days till I move to Idaho.  Going to be an awesome time our history goes way back a really long time.  When we all looked like sister because I dyed my hair burgandy all the time with my green green eyes and freckles which you cant see because I bleached them off...  I have this huge huge huge anxiety about moving contiplating calling Motau so he can see his daughter before we travel to Idaho.  But I am going to let that be up to Little Cassie it will be her decision to make.  Who knows what will become of all of this I hope that I am making the right decision with leaving my family behind but this is truely a shit hole of a place.  A lot of bad bad memories are here and I dont want to make new ones.  I love and miss my family Anthony, my mom, my grouchy ass grandmother Ola, my brother Ken, Danali, and Joanna who is  about to have a baby...  I am trying to stick around till the baby is born just so I can see that beautiful girl named Faithlynn before I shovel off.  I am scared and hopeful at the same time the unknow is going to be awesome.  I will see a whole new sunset and sunrise in a brand new place.  What more can I say other than the future is bright and lovely place but I must make a place for myself in this world.  I have to try to change the lives of my children and hopefully they can grow into the beautiful people they are.  I do not want them to follow in my footsteps at all and have this burden on them.  I already know I will never get married I will never let someone close to me again I have been burned too many times to try again.  My heart can't handle another heartbreak Megan almost killed me that pain was so damm deep its hard for me to look at her without sorrow.  For what was lost I cant ever replace my trust in her at all.  I am trying to be happy for her in her small success with her citizenship but it isnt in me anymore you know.  I am starring out onto this page wondering what the hell I am to do with my life there are times when I feel like just giving up and dying.  You have no idea how hard it is to be a single mother without hope.  Or not to have family that can help without putting you down for your decisions.  I know when I was in the position to help my family I gave up so much for them my career my life my happiness to make sure they lived.  My brother it has always been give me give me and I haven't ever denied him although we have our differences I have never hesitated to help him when he has asked for a place to stay even knowing he was on drugs.
Right now I feel really really sad you know like I shouldn't be in this place for much longer but I keep on going for my kids.  I know I am not the perfect mother I cuss to much and I lose my temper when I feel like they are disrespecting me.  But I love my kids like no ones business.  They are the ones that make me a better person I wouldn't be here if it wasnt for them.  My beautiful daughter Cassie amazes me everyday with how much she is like her father and I.  The anime cracks me up because thats totally both of us parents passion.  I am trying to get into new things I just dont know where to begin.  I will be pushing away people again because when I am out there how in the hell am I going to contact them cellphone will not be an option till I get a job.  So I leave this in the same exact place as where I begin Im still lost and clinging to the life I have but I have no motivation to begin another sad really...