Well pretty much I am tired as all hell since I haven't had the good gumption to write in this thing at all. I have been so overworked at work that I found myself yesterday falling asleep whilst (I really like this word) I stand. Hell I think the nicest give anybody could give me would be a dictionary so that I could know the meanings of the words and a Theasaurus ? so that I can come up with new exciting words for my poems which I have this awesome one in my head that I have been meaning to post about dark love dark magic dark forest anything with Harry potter is awesome. Or my version of Harry potter at least. Strange thing a story line keeps popping in my head along with my sandman one which is not the same in the least I will sooner or later post my other blog link for those of you who are interested can view my story thus far. Sandman will get a kick out of not breathing the first few chapters because hell he wouldn't wink wink. That was a not so well placed joke by the way. I have nothing really to say except I am alive and kicking or alive at least. My tired brain is going back to bed so that i can get a few hours sleep before work tonight. DId I mention that I hate working? Really hate working but hell you have to work to live and live to work?!!!! Well goodnight and thanks for reading my boring posts lol Muah!

I had an interesting email and I would have to say that I am not an overly unique person. I am not extrodinary by any means nor am I particularly beautiful. I am cute and thats just about it. My personality makes a world of difference when I am probally talked about that girl has such a nice personality you should meet her. The boys go running for dear life. I was made fun of most of my life in my elementry school and most grade schools till I learned to fight back with my fists. I was picked on verbally bashed and physically brutalized on more than one occasion. Till I learned that my feeble attempts at diplomacy and calling on there good nature does nothing to sway there fist from hitting my face or kicking me whilst I am crying on the ground. I learned that boys are never to be trusted and it continue all through my history of one guy or another kicking me wheither it be verbal or mental. I would much rather have physical scars because in time I know that they heal and mental scars have a long lasting impression and are harder to heal with mere medicine and time. I can remember being so lost and having such mental anguish that it was surprising that I didn't try to kill myself at an early age. I think it was my pride or arrogance that prevented me from letting them win too much or have that much control over my life. There are a few people who can get to me today with there mere words cause they have that much control over me. There anger or love gets to me like no other and it hurts me or touches me deeply when I know that it is directed at me. It has to do with all my issues about family and my lack of one that I think that I am needing some sort of male acceptance in my life. Mostly its just the peers that I need which I seem to relate to because of my blunt and abaisive personality. I say what I mean and I do what I say. Mostly I get it from my mother who is a little crazy yes but she is the strongest person on the planet I know. hell to put up with even me and to have gone through as much bullshit as she has and still be kicking. I hate that my mother was molested, raped, beaten, terrorized, scared, hurt, demoralised, and the worst of it is for her own mother to not believe her when she tells then it was her own step father. My mother I think has forgiven my grandmother for her betrayal and for not believing in her. My mother who I can see at times has the most tender and sweet smile on the planet trying to recover her lost innocence. I often wonder what my mother would have been like if those terrible and heinous deeds where not done to her (crying sorry). I can remember my mother going through such rage and hatred at the mere sight of my mother's stepfather giving me a hug. You could have seen my suprise when I shrank back in terror cause my mother has just got that look of absolute rage and murderous vengence in her eyes. My father had to drag her and myself away before she brained him with any more cans of tuna. (btw we were in a shopping center at the time) I have never told my mother that I have been raped or that I had to have an abortion to get rid of the evidence and that I hid for many months under a huge amount of makeup to cover the bruising from my attack. I personally thought my mother couldn't handle it if she knew what happened to me and myself pretending it was alright and just dealiing with it on my own. There have been times i have recented my mother and I love her in all the same breathe. I can remember being molested and her going back to his house to talk to him when I would have rather killed his ass for touching me in the first place. Do I feel strongly about this issue hell yeah the worst parts of my life have been revolving around this. My mother bless her soul has been drowning her life out with alcolhol and pain killers that I do not know what I can do to help her or if she will even accept help from me. I carry alot of pain and emotional trauma from my own experiences and often times this carries into my relationships with others. I see all the damage that has occured within and surrounding my mother and I try to soften myself and not be like her. But I know truthfully I am a less bitter version of my mother and I will probally in the end doing the same thing she is doing with her life drinking it away with a bottle. I have the thirst for it and I know that if I started to do drugs that I will not have the will power to break away. That all my apparent strengths would be useless and I would fade way in a drug or alcolhol haze and my life would be meaningless. I do not have all or any answers to the universal questions and at times wonder what the hell am I doing on this planet. I am often times thougtless and careless with my actions towards people. I often go on instinct and not think of my consequences of my actions before I charge in say or do what i think is on my mind. AM I always right? No I am typically right on but I on rare occasion have been wrong from time to time. My experiences in my life have affected the person that I am today without them I wouldn't know who or what I am. Painfully struggling to understand the simplest of emotions finding it hard to express even to my love ones how much they mean to me. And I love alot of people and the list could be a huge one if I could let and others in my life. It all boils down to how much shit is Cassandra going to put up with before even Cassandra goes to a watch tower and ges postal on innocent victims. (Like I would ever do that but you get my point) I am struggling to come to terms with my choices and it has been harder and harder these last few weeks to get into grips with my own reality. Sometimes I am extremely overwhelmed and I have to put myself into a peaceful state in the shower and just relax and not worry about nothing. There are times when I think I am good enough for someone else to love? And my little voice in side my head says hell no your not so get over it already. That's Cassandra's pestimistic view of the universe see how ugly it is?!!!! Well I am through with conjuring up disgusting images of my past and my mother's pain and anguish. Sometimes you need to let the skeletons in the closet just rest for awhile.... Cassandra

My comments on the very talented and extremely beautiful Christina Aguilera: who is my Number one hero and I think the most beautiful women on the planet!!! she is a goddess and I love her new hair all black and gothic. coughs ahem the comments

SImms: what is the music you listening to
alloiratheviking: christina aguilera
SImms: cool
alloiratheviking: I will be
alloiratheviking: She is my role model
SImms: cool
SImms: she is cute
alloiratheviking: She does what she believes no matter what consequences
SImms: yup
alloiratheviking: whether the populace likes it or not
alloiratheviking: that sums up me in a nutshell
alloiratheviking: To me she is the most beautiful person on the planet
SImms: i think she is cute
alloiratheviking: I can see her struggling within her self
SImms: yeah
alloiratheviking: Torn on doing what she wants and what society will allow
SImms: yeah
alloiratheviking: Where the little morality button should kick in
SImms: she need to break out
alloiratheviking: She already has now she is dealing with the backlash of coming on too strong
alloiratheviking: but her image is improving I really like the black hair
SImms: k
SImms: cool
alloiratheviking: she doesnt look like the innocent girl that she once was
alloiratheviking: the black reminds me of a strong willed dark angel
SImms: yeah
alloiratheviking: exposing her beauty and darkness that she holds within smiling sweetly as she seduces your senses with her magical voice

Since this blogger thing cant handle my excessively long post I guess I will have to make due with this. I had an interesting conversation with my friend sims last night. He is at a point in his life where he is wondering where he is going. Depression usually sets in hopefully this will not happen to him amonst other things. Wishing for and obtaining love is the main goal for about 90% of the planet. Some settle for less than what they deserve. Others compromise there morality and do whatever the hell they want to obtain love which in truth love is blind. I think and I truly believe love is obtained when you need it most in your life. You hit a place in time when all the answers are somehow answered when you look into each others eyes. That whatever misery and that overwhelming lost feeling is magically melted away with that person's love in your life. That all the answers to the universe are answered when they say those three magical words I love you. Everything that you are doesnt matter just where you are going with that person. That's why I see hundreds of people wasting away when the love of there lives is gone dead buried in the ground. That feeling of joy peace is gone from there lives and takes a huge amount of courage to wake up everyday to just breathe. I have felt this in my life on more than one occasion and I am sorry to say that I have tried to kill myself because I was weak in mind body spirit. But the lesson that I carry from it is an overwhelming understanding that I may not be happy and complete but I am here I might as well live it to the fullest. I think it was a turning point in my life where I realized it didn't matter what I had it mattered what I am. That since then I haven't taken shit off no one and that I unleased my inner me and for better or worse I will not change for no one. Maybe for God but only if he asks me too WINK WINK. I do not think I am an exceptional person by any standards I am unforgettable thats for sure. My rowdy nature and my pension for cussing gets abrasive on some people but its my softer side that wins then every time. If I was a beautiful person I think I would have seduced half the men on the planet (grins) Maybe its wishful thinking on my part he he he or lack of sex or maybe both. I can admit freely that I need my friends they keep me on the straight and narrow and I strive to do things that do not offend them too much but it has happened and I will do it again time and time again. I am not ashamed of my sexuality contrary to popular belief. I revel in the fact that I am naughty but I will keep it here or on my Yahoo posts and to my few select friends and for my husband who is the love of my life. Cassandra out of here to read my harry potter book. I haven't gotten the new one yet but that is next paycheck with a few other things on my list like a web cam. Love you all Cassandra.

kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but
quite daring. you move for the kill confidently
knowing the other person wants the same thing.


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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This is really cool reminds me of a van I kissed in once in a park with lots and lots of people walking in and around the van while I am kissing does this remind you of any one in particular that I am referring to hmmmmm..... laughs evil laughter that sure was fun

Hey! You're me! I'm not into school spirit and I
cannot play sports. I'm on the Deans List, but
I'm not one of the top students at my school.
I have a couple friends, but I'm kind of
strange. I'm into vegetarianism and Earth
crap. I swear off and on, but despise the f-
word. I can be shy, or outgoing. I'm a pretty
cynical person and would love to punch a lot of
people in the mouth. I like this one guy, but
we're just good acquaintances. I say crap a
lot.


Who are you at my school?
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Rachel Greene! Admit it, You love to look your
best! But over the years, you've developed a
great maturity and independence. You've also
been in crazy romances! Right now you're a
mother and you are growing even more
responsible. You've come a long way from
Daddy's little girl!


Which "Friend" character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Young. Really young. I'd say anywhere from 15-35.
But you'll go out with a bang. You'll get in a
car accident or be shot. You'll never have to
see yourself get old. Sad though. Really sad.
By the way, its common knowledge that more
people with great goals and aspirations die
young. And if you want to die old, you'll die
young and vice versa.


At what age will you die?
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Sig Sauer P226. Greatest gun ever! Feel special.
Beautiful and reliable but can still scare the
living bejesus outta anyone.


What handgun are you?
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Hey I feel like a Quizilla day so there...

Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks
about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty,
right?


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

This doesnt suprise me much whatsoever. Grins hell I like it even so true so true...


ICE is your chinese symbol!


What Chinese Symbol Are You?
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What rating is your journal?
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No Big Thing

It wasn't a really big thing

it wasn't something grand

It didn't have trumpet calls

and it didn't earn grandstands

It wasn't blared on the TV screens

and it wasn't written in the sky

I didn't hear it on the radio

nor did I read it in some ad flown by

Yet somehow without any heraldry

no gala shouts or yells

I saw it simply wash over me

like the clear pealing of gold bells

It moved like soft butterflies

on the song of a virgin dove

It didn't need engraved mentioning

it was just your perfect love.

Aura's Rapture



Calling

through the soft breeze

they're calling

in voices so light

they're calling

Pleasures

dreaming of eternal pleasure

like footprints gently

measured



Through the time

Why can't you see the time?

Hold your time

How do you mend your time?



Flying

over clouds of prayers

you're flying

through sun arms you're

soaring

Bursting

above the stars and god

you're bursting

with love and life

transversing



Hold your love

but always give your love

Share the love

The time is now to share your love

This is my version of love:



I am the world without you
I am lifeless and dead
Utterly drained of life and void
Crushed and useless
You breathe life into me
LIttle by little
Inch by inch
stone after stone
Your brake my shell
Take away my scars
leaving me stripped
and naked
Exposed to the world
My insides exposed
In glorious form
with the tempest
and raging ramparts
I long for you
with no suicidal conclusion
sure, fast, and swift
Branding no Illusion
OR false admenities
I am simply whole
Complete
In its most Angelic form
I am heaven bound
Stripped of my wings
And wearing only my heart
Drawn to your heavenly eyes
Secure in the knowledge
That you love me to
We are one and the same
Suffering the same fate
Without each other
Made less and unhappy
With each other
Our fates are sealed
Bringing destiney to its fullest
Glory and honor bound
We travel to the unknown
I do not fear
Knowing that you
are by my side
Chasing those rainbows
And I will walk
to another sunset
Happy and complete

There are times when I am completely happy when someone can admit being completely and uttterly stupid and this is one of those time. He who will remain nameless admitted his fault completely and appologized for being wrong. I say damm awesome in my book. You know who you are and I am glad that you can see the fault in your ways. I love you completely. Grins stupid doopey grin on myface right now its not even funny. I am just happy someone on the damm planet gets where I am coming from and doesnt think I am a freak. Well maybe a freak in training but thats besides the point. I am getting married in August or maybe hell in January but I think its in August which is the date he and I discussed today for his benefit. Laughs yeah right probally so that I can get some therapy so that I do not go postal on the world from lack of sex. Grins he he he I am evil (evil laughter and snickers all the way to the altar) I know that this is the one and only person who completely my life and can help me be a better person. Hell I think I need to be a better person and learn to tolerate others more. I am so tired and happy at the same time its not funny. Strange how a few little words of I love you pick up your spirits every damm time. Thanks a bunch CASSIE

I am physically feeling like crap my throat which burns right now is like razor blades again and I will have to coat my throat with a throat spray and numb it. Too bad it doesn't have alcolhol in it?!!! Wishful thinking on my part to say the least. I am going to get my lazy butt to exercise which I haven't done in awhile cause I have been sleeping and not getting my butt out of bed like I should. But a body does need rest which I guess I really did need. I will post more later when I have something nice and encouraging to say hell that is probally never! Did I mention that I lost 2lbs being sick yeaaaaaaahhhhh for me!?!!!! I am well into my way to losing those prescious 27 lbs. HE HE HE (evil snicker). Hey Sandman can you send me via the internet some of your old pics? I was planning on a bio of my friends online which I still have that in the works which is due out next month!!!! What the hell happened to Sims? Hmmm must be lost in another girl lol. Well I am out of here time is awasting away. Love you all Good day.....

Camera



There's a space in your mind

that calls in its time

a place that is holding

the magic

A home in your head

where the colors are fed

and the song is dancing

on air

There's a voice that evolves

as it slowly revolves

in circles that are measured

in breaths

Like a spiral of dreams

so many pictures it seems

so many choices to make

and redeem

It's one of those days where you need a Sophie B. Hawkins day to brighten a alread cheery day with a nice little ballad from hers truly. She has been one of my all time favorite Cd's that keeps getting stolen from me cause she is just that damm good. Although I am jamming right now to Lillix which is a truly awesome band of all femmes which is a really cool album so to speak. I am still have my little crush on yours truly David Draimen which is no small feat but hey at least the guitar players in the band are really hot. There is something about blue hair and a sexy smile that really turns me on. Besides being bald and singing isn't all that's it crack up to be try playing a guitar and singing which is really talented. Did I mentin that I like guys that wear leather?! Leather in bondage way is pretty cool when they are all tied up like in the video to NIN (closer) where Trent Reznor looks ooooh so sexy strapped up and decked out in all black. Hell any man that wears that long hair and a killer smile gets my goat any time. DId I mention my fetish for men in skirts? Not really skirts but Kilts are to me a major turn on and will get me to looking any day. They always catch my eye and I am always wondering what the hell is under that Kilt. Plus you get to see some nice and sexy legs in a dress of plaid my favorite colors black, blue, and green. Aways a nice combination to say the least. I remember having a punk rocker boyfriend nicknamed Flynn who was a gorgeous man and with the deepest intense colored eyes on the planet. His stare could melt even the coldest Ice Princess. He had this incredible animal magnetism that I found simply irresistible and kissing him was like heaven on earth.... He had this Burgundy mohawk that only added to his rugged appearance and a nice leather jacket with safety pins everywhere. I remember he pierced my nose one time and I was like in heaven. IT hurt like hell but I took my lumps like a good soldier would with no flinching and no tearing up of the eyes. ANd if my skin betrayed me its was through no fault of my own because Cassandra turned an even pale shade of white if that is at all possible... He taught me that girls like me are better than most and that I am extremely beatiful. I learned to kiss from him and how it is really sensual when you lick someone's eyeball. Sounds disgusting I know but how he discribes it and does it to you with a piercing through his lip was absolutely the most sensual thing to have happen to me at the time. Thanks Grant Gilespie I hope that you are with your Wife and mother of your child today. Hopefully things turned out the way you wanted them to and all that jazz. What brought on a memory of him was listening to Slayer where you can here this girl screaming in the background. I can remember a cool camping adventure with him. Getting drunk off Jagermeifter and kissing under the stars. I guess all of my truly wonderful experiences have been camping where I am in nature. The most wonderful place on earth where time stands still and the world if you listen closely is humming with life. I don't need any sexual action just the act of talking and absorbing with my friends truly makes me happy. I can remember a nice adventure where my heroic friend Sandman saved me from a dragon or two while getting attacked by evil minions....grins those are happy times and well worth whatever momentary loss of funds that occurred. I will never forget absorbing all the art work of Sandman's little cave and sweating my brains out in Jey's room while cuddling his body pillow that I fell asleep to every night... Getting lost in a sea of track apartments that all look the same and walking to someone else's apartment (ooppsie) before finally being brave enough to venture to another door and trying the lock.... Am I embarrased hell no cause it was my fault in the first place for wanting a midnight walk to make me sleepy which all it did was increase my anxiety of a strange place... Well enough of memory lane my favorite memory of Utah by far is BYU and walking around the campus discovering again the meaning of the universe? Being attacked by huge Dinosaurs that are held behind glass doors reminding me of Jurassic Park... Getting sick from all the kittens that dwell there in there own little habitat that I was invading by exploring well after the permitted time. Thats the great thing about Utah there are so many happy people you almost get sick from sugar shock of it all. There is no one to cuss at you for cutting someone off unless they are an outsider like me. Everyone is really friendly and talkative and it was strange talking to people I do not know and getting to know them. I made a friend at a cross walk who we stood for 20 minutes talking about Rock Climbing and the neat pictures you can take while climbing. I do believe his name was Joshua but I could have been mistaken...He was prett friendly in a nice way not trying to flirt but just to be friendly and polite. Reminded me of my friend Blaine who is amazing along with his wife Sherry who is friendly and beautiful.... Glad to have meet you all including the rug rats that make up your family.... This is Cassandra remembering her past present and future... Christina Aguilera sums it up in her song Too Beautiful for Words.....Goodnight....Muah much love.....