Sliding to 4th base

A funny thing happen to me today while I was delivering newspapers. Somebody and I will not name names because they have more money than me and could sue the pants off me.... :::grins::: Well back to my story then, decided to make this cutesy little baby fence on there property to separate the plants from the sidewalk which has several different places on there yard that in the dark is pretty much hard to see. I was running along jumping the fence that is normal height instead of midget proof getting ready to deliver a newspaper in there front porch when I didn't see that miniature fence and got tripped up. Now you know its pretty dark about 2:30 in the morning and the visibility is poor because rich people love big and low hanging tree's to disturb your vision. Well silly me decided to run across the lawn since a straight line is faster than going around back off someone's property and taking forever to deliver a newspaper. Well here I am running like Forest Gump jumping a few low fences when I hit a dead stop that knocks me off my feet and sends me flying through the air. Picture this folks Cassandra flying through the air like Superman without the cape getting ready to take a serious tumble on the ground. Instead of landing hard which thankfully saved me from serious injury I slide about 10 feet on a very frost bitten grass. The icy grass saved me from an embarrassing landing instead I slide like a little bobsled queen for a few feet. I got back up and of course looked around to see if I was caught in the act of pure folly. But thankfully no one that I saw had a good laugh at my expense except maybe God himself. The moral of the story is look for low flying fences before you take off in mid flight.

:::Thought you might find this funny:::

I still think neopets rocks seriously and if you are anybody you should join my evil monkey's neocircle where I will corrupt you with your food. Plus you can earn rare items in return my suggestion to you is to open a shop so that your neopoints can soar as high as mine. Its a hobby of mine and one that has impressed its dedication to my soul. NEOPETS IS AWESOME Just in case you didn't get the first time. My slave grave has changed into a baby and regressed into something thats blue which I do not like but I will find a pet brush and change it to a halloween pet brush which I am seriously coveting. Well peace and I am out of here

Christmas was a little hectic at my great Grandmothers house who is 89 years old and that makes four generations of the Ellis clan happy and alive. Well almost my grandmother which is affectionately named Granny because of the usual number of grandmothers alive you kind of get confused on what to call them but Granny has always been Granny. I didn't even know her name till I was around 21 and wondered why a person named Murtis was getting mail at her address when I was nice enough to get her mail for her. My Granny is a fiercely independent women which is a dominant trait in all the women in our family because usually we have to do everything ourselves so we don't depend on others.

Back to what I was going to tell you is that she is getting real sick which is not a big surprise but kind of takes me back because in your child like mind you always think that they are going to live forever. That a place like heaven is some mythological place where the angels and God are having one big family reunion with all the people that die. Granny has fallen so many times and her walking ability is seriously lagging. It hurts me to see her in this state which I have many times taken care of other people's great grandmother but somehow it affects you more when its your own flesh and blood standing next to you. My Granny's eyes are bruised like she got into a championship fight with Mike Tyson without all that ear biting he has done recently. Her ribs are bruised and she refuses to sit down and let us younger folk do any of the cooking unless she is barking orders like a drill sergeant. Be it as it may the lack of sleep didn't help my Christmas spirit at all when I got like 3 hours sleep for the two days I was there due to circumstances beyond my control and sleeping arrangements. Blow up mattresses are a serious blunder of science and no respectable person should be subjected to that type of torture unless you are a traitor to your country.

My cousin Carl whom I think is just about one of the smartest programmers out there showed me a hmtl program that rocks and I feel sick to my stomach when I see how easily you can create your own web site with his programs. I can do all those neat little stuff that I spend hours writing up the HMTL in pure written form when all you have to do is point and click. Damm aren't programmers ingenious or what? SO the next time I go down there I am going to bring my tower and load my computer with so many programs that I can happily lounge in the privacy of my home and create a seriously cool website. The best thing about it that it only takes about 25 minutes to create a breathe takingly beautiful site filled with some complicated programs. Damm life should be that easy click, point, and delete!!!!

I went over to my Grandmothers house which is Ola if you don't know or Nanna to others house and spent Christmas Eve cleaning her trailer from top to bottom. My sinuses where seriously protesting under the wave after wave of dust that I had to wipe away. Every few seconds I would rinse out my sponge because the dirt and grim was pathetic. I am seriously wondering what the hell she does everyday and why the hell does she let herself and her place of residence go into such a terrible state? I know that you can't be perfect but that was a seriously disgusting mess that I didn't even want to use the bathroom. (I didn't use her toilet once and didn't eat there because I wasn't sure she cleaned the dishes properly) For those who don't know she is a terrible cook and if you ever had the displeasure of eating her miracle spaghetti you were lucky to walk away alive. Don't ask me how you can mess up cooking spaghetti from a can and adding a little pasta but damm did she screw it up seriously. Laughs you had to be there I guess which waiting a few bites of that just sent me a one way guaranteed trip to heaven because we didn't want to hurt her feelings so we ate as little as we could till she went out of the room and ran to the trash asap to dump it without her being the wiser. And volunteering to take out the trash which didn't really needed it but hid our deception from her and spared her feelings from being hurt. Then went out to a nice restaurant where we gourged ourselves in a big nice slab of cow that was smothered in onions and mushrooms. Life is good when you can take a nice steak and make it mouth watering perfect. How in the hell does someone get the beef to almost melt in your mouth when my steak is good but not that good. I really think its the beef that you buy at the store and the choice of cut should be a serious consideration.

All in all my Christmas wasn't that bad I got to see my great Grandmother who bitched and nagged us till we were hard pressed not to say anything mean or inconsiderate. I hide myself into the shallow cave of my cousin's room and played on the computer making his site better which he didn't know a few tricks of the trade which were so simple that he laughed at his folly. But mostly it was his teaching me the basics and the advanced techniques that seriously gave thought to becoming a programmer or web designer. I am going to look up the class and prices and see if I can afford it in the near future and see where that goes!! I didn't get any presents for Christmas which is no big surprise but kind of hurts a little but the child in you wants to see big shiny wrapped presents with big bows under the Christmas tree. Didn't have a tree either unless you count a rotating fake tree that only stands about a foot tall with pretty rainbow lights that somehow instills the Christmas spirit in you. I guess when I get older I will look back fondly on these times and remember when I had so little that going to the dollar store for my kids Christmas will be funny. Pathetic I know but nobody is helping me and that was the only way to have something for them without them being hurt. All in all it was a success because all you have to do is buy a ball of any sort for Zack and he is happy. Cassandra is a little different but thanks to friends and family they made up for my lack of funds which made things great for them.

You know what I miss the most is being loved by someone which is the most precious thing you can ever imagine if you never fully had it in return. Because the misery is bittersweet to love someone who doesn't love you in return. Joy is my life. As always I live in my dreams and follow whatever path that lays in front of me whether I like it or not.

My list

So I am in a foul mood so sue me you can't have my leather couches because they are the few reasons I am still living today

ZACK
CASSANDRA
NEOPETS
FRIENDS
BLACK LEATHER COUCHES
SEX

Take those precious things away from me and you got a very horrible person on your hands. I know that mentally I am about the strongest person you will ever meet because how many of you can take the shit I was dealt and still be sane in any sense of the word? I just want to know whats up with the cosmic joke at my expense? Cause I am not laughing and if you are laughing at me then tell me the punch line of the joke so I can get on with my life. I just wish for once that I can be happy. I can't remember being happy in so long that the thought makes me sick to my stomach. That this pestimistic view point in my life somehow stems from my experiences which I wish profoundly that I can go back and change and somehow come from these experiences less jaded. I don't see all those peaches and cream dreams that somehow everyone out there but me actually gets to experience. Well I have to get dressed for work wish me luck and I hope it doesnt rain on me.

Things are going wrong but you can't seem to change it

I really detest Christmas because every Christmas I have had has fallen through one way or another which I am not particularly fond of. But I have gotten great gifts in the past like a beautiful rose that you add scented oil. A crystal necklace that was pink and had sun, moon, and stars on it. Mostly my gifts were medieval in nature inspiring the ancient times but the most precious gift I have received which is priceless is the gift of friendship. Although I have a hard time giving as much effort as the next person to friendship because I truly think somewhere in the back of my mind they are going to do something to disappoint me cause in point of my some of my friends who don't even call me. I have a few great ones that I can put on my right hand which isn't saying much for myself!!! Either says one (A) your a loser (B) your anti-social (C) your personality stinks (D) maybe you are a little to analytical for your own good (E) get some new friends.

I haven't spoken to Carla and Cliff for awhile which is no big surprise as there many brush offs to hang out which is kind of hurtful since we were so close in the past. But I do realize that people change and your friendships although great and wonderful might not be so in reality since you are reliving them in your memory. I have a lot of those friendships that I can remember cause in point Jason who is entirely wonderful in his own way if you can get past a few fundamental flaws that even he is so flauntingly blind. My friend Sandman who is wonderfully talented has a warped since of humor and I wish wholeheartedly that whatever demons he posses he keeps so that he can continue his works of art. I am looking forward to a heavy metal chick lady somewhere in the near future (hint hint)

I am still doing the same thing I have to get dressed to throws some papers for some rich people who pay on time thank god for that. I do not collect money from them since it is done through the mail which is a blessing in disguise. I get my tax returns pretty damm soon which for me is a huge and wonderful thing because hey I can get a car pay some rent. Buy some things that are lacking like Christmas presents for my kids which I can hit some great sales. I am still passionately depressed lurking in the confines of my brain I still see myself as the misfit girl who doesn't belong any where and doesn't under any circumstances deserve happiness. I think somewhere god forgot to add that to his to do list and make my life just a tad bit easier. My face has taken a lot of blows to it which if you see my pictures they look cool but hey I don't look like that everyday. You should see me sick I am a horrible ghoul just lurking under pale white skin that is a little too white for comfort. Although the gothic look is in these days which I am profoundly stuck in that style but don't have the means to look the part these days. I wonder if there is a place for me in this world where everything will just click together and work for a change. I am really tired of the bad luck that has been haunting me since I was born.

(A) I have chopped off my toe had it surgically put back on
(B) Burnt the top of my foot and had to get my skin peeled which you can't see a scar thankfully
(C) I have electrocuted myself when I bit into an electrical cord when I was little
(D) Broke my wrist playing soccer as a goalie when a fellow team mate kick the ball the wrong way snapped my wrist like a twig :::fun stuff:::
(E) My many car accidents that have nearly taken my life but have left me with scars to remind me how lucky I am to be alive ::one more inch either way and I could have been dead::
(F) Failed attempts to ride a skateboard in which I was too stubborn to quit so I have scars on my knees and wrists
(G) Some Zoobie in Utah hit me on my skates when I was rollerblading home from work and got road rash on my stomach arms and legs. Had to take a wire brush to myself and scrub the gravel out cause I wasn't about to let someone else do it for me :::luckily no visible scaring::
(H) Been lied to so many times in the past by potential boyfriends that my heart is beating poorly and doesn't see the gold at the end of the rainbow
(I) Many accidents with pills that I have taken because I was too damm depressed to go on living it literally hurt to breathe.
(J) Physical and mental abuse from boyfriends who like to make me cry and see how far they can push me before I have brake
(K) The horrendous damage a parent can do to you in your younger years when you find out that parents do lie and they are not to be trusted ever
(L) Your first love breaks your heart by simply not telling you
(M) Getting knocked up by your boyfriend and him denying paternity of your child which you have to go through 7 years of financial hell just for him to see the truth because he is a loser
(O) Having your next boyfriend treat you so bad that the thought of suicide is a welcome release from many lies and hurtful words because he simply can't find it in his heart to love you just as you are plus knock you up and treat you like shit because he can
(P) Finally and lastly which pretty much takes the cake is to have whatever scrap of hope that you have left taken from you by the people you love who simply don't care enough to acknowledge your existence

So tell me good folks why is it that God wants me on this earth again because I think I am missing the great picture right now because I am seriously going to complain when I see him next.

Those who post

Thank you for signing my guest book and guest map for those who actually took the time to do it I appreciate your comments. I adding some more questions that I thought would spice it up a little so feel free to add whatever you want.

I got a paper route that I have to get up 3:00 in the morning so wish me luck. I am not too thrilled getting that earlier but hey its money and I need to do it for the welfare of my family. Joy joy joy. Well talk to you later love and all that jazz. To the people I know and can't get a hold of due to your lack of emailing or picking up the telephone I wish you a Merry Christmas and hope that you are happy. Love you all Cassandra

Okay Okay ::::gasp::::a shock:::: hey guess what an update

My favorite thing to do lately is to site in a steaming hot shower with a murder novel usually its James Patterson or John Sandford which usually takes about three days to read a complete novel. I like sitting there as the steam makes like this fog pea like soup in there till I get the feeling of that I can't breathe because its wanting to not process liquid filled oxygen anymore. Afterwards somehow I feel a little drained or uplifted depending on my mood when I went into the shower. I am going to enjoy whatever alone time I can because it seems that I have none.

I am moving out of my apartment the first time in two years having to move back into my mothers house since I can't find work because people aren't hiring till January. My spirits are low since things in my house are going to get taken back to the store since I haven't finished paying for them I am hoping to get my unemployment check so that I can buy a few presents for my kids. Still I am highly depressed hince my long nap times and waking up with severe headaches which I know are caused from high anxiety. I am still sleepy from a 5 hour nap and I have no motivation right now. My inner fire is a little down and I require some more funds to buy a car. But I think January will turn around for me hopefully and I will buy a car with my tax returns and start my little stacking of the chips there. Wish me luck all and I can't wait to have my apartment to myself again because living with messy people really gets under my skin because my brother is there and he is an absolute pig. Well I am out of here Mash is on and its one of my favorite programs since I don't have cable I am pretty damm limited to the shows I get to watch. I am going to own a DVD soon which I won't tell you what it is but it does involve super hero's. Peace

music moves the soul in so many ways

Currently listening to Christina Aquilera - Beautiful (my idol and I am her number one fan)


Going to add some more poetry as soon as I get through with it which should be pretty good. let me know what you think when I am done. Its going to be about being in love with something you can never have. Being hurt and how it feels to come back from that feelings. Let me know.... thanks forever and ever Cassandra

Lyrics from one of my favorite bands called Lillix

Tomorrow

It's About Time
I hate you, I love you
I just can't remember to forget you
Who are you, who needs you?
You make me feel alive, I die, so high
I'm crawling on the ground
I have found I can fly

One of these days it all comes together
One of those days that goes on forever
Think I sound crazy? Maybe, whatever
What's it all about?

Chorus

It's about life, it's about fun
It's over before it has begun
It's about you, it's about me
It's about everything between and I say
I'm saying goodbye to you, I say hi to you with no clue
It's about time that I
Make up my mind

It's simple, confusing, the truth is I'm winning but I'm losing
And pulling and pushing, won't do me any good
It could, it should
I'm honest to myself that the truth is I lied

One of these days it all comes together
One of those days that goes on forever
Think I sound crazy? Maybe, whatever
What's it all about?

Chorus
It's about life, it's about fun
It's over before it has begun
It's about you, it's about me
It's about everything between and I say
I'm saying goodbye to you, I say hi to you with no clue
It's about time that I
Make up my mind

Time is creeping behind me, surrounding around me
Fading the words so desperately
Now give me a reason that I can believe in
Time is something you can't rewind
One of these days it all comes together
One of those days that goes on forever
Think I sound crazy? Maybe, whatever
What's it all about?

Chorus
It's about life, it's about fun
It's over before it has begun
It's about you, it's about me
It's about everything between and I say
I'm saying goodbye to you, I say hi to you with no clue
It's about time that I
Make up my mind

more online quizzes in my little link enjoy.

Added a few more things here to liven up the place and will be adding more upgrades as soon as I figure them out. Thanks for coming will write to you later Cassie


Listening to my favorite music by Frankie J. Don't wanna try. Singing horribly of course but I love to sing and I am having a bad hair day. I get into these moods when my hair that falls into my face bothers me so I braid it so that it will all be nice and go back into a pony tail. Not the most fashionable look specially as far as braids go but it does it job. Sorry If I am not getting back to those who email me I am in a pissy mood and its not your fault. I just don't feel good and very negative and I don't want to bring you down with my negativity. So please don't take it personal it just one of those days when you are just down in the dumps.

Inspiration

I got a second interview which I am going to go there tomorrow and hopefully be a manager to a multimillion dollar industry. I hope that I get the job and start my way to my education which I so desperately want to do.

Oh yeah before I forget I wrote some poetry that just pored right out of me because one of my good friends is really down and I hurt inside when my friends hurt. I often don't tell people what I feel about them because I already think they should know. But I am often thoughtless and scatterbrain so I neglect those who are in need when I am down myself. But the best way to uplift someone's spirit (your own) is to gives a little happiness to another who might very well need it. Like a good friend Gary has done to me and my friends here in Fresno. So I have more poetry if you want to look at it if not good day to you I won't leave a shitty message because I am in a shallow mood right now.

Pink is another name for evil

I am terribly disappointed right now that my underdog Adam Mesh didn't win right now because I have stupid tears streaming down my face because he didn't win. I honestly was hoping and wishing that Adam would win and the stupid bitch turns around and picks an idiot living with his parents to fly off to paradise. Then Adam the absolute sweetheart gets his heart torn in two while the stupid son of a bitch is watching Melena break his heart. I hate her I hate her I hate her. he should have chosen Adam and I can't help but feeling that he didn't have a fair advantage against someone so good looking. My heart goes out to Adam and I hope that he finds someone to make a princess out of because he deserves the best. Going to go burn everything that is pink I can find. Which isn't much because I detest the color and its going to continue with a vengence. EVIL EVIL FUCKING PENELOPE PINK. I fucking hate pink........ I am so damm mad right now I could scream a thousand screams and still want to tear her pretty blonde hair out for hurting him so and he valantly says a nice words not to hurt anybody. That my dear is a diamond not fools gold. I am going to go weep in my pillow because I know that if life was fair Adam should have gotten the girl.

evil monkeys are evading your space

I am running a whole evil monkeys shop in Neopets and hopefully there will be people to join my little neopets circle so if you good folks would be so kind as to start playing the game and becoming my neofriend I could allow you to join my circle and give out free items every week.

P.S. dont let there cute little faces fool you cause they are just plain evil lol

Went to the chiropractor today where my mother was kind enough to give me a ride since it was raining out. She got hit on by my Chiropractors father who is a chiropractor himself. I ususally have the son which is the youngest Arkelian crack and pop me back into place since my accident I haven't been at a hundred percent. But I am regressing as usual can't stay on one subject for long. Well he looks at my mother then has her sit on his lap while he examined her. Then when she got up he promptly smacked her ass. I do believe if given the chance there could be a connection there since my mother still is very fit and shapely for a women of 47. She has the men drooling all over here since she is a size 6 but once her anger gets at them they will run for dear heaven. She has a boyfriend named David who is a little weird but makes my mother happy so be it I say. Well that is pretty much it except I am listening to Sheryl Crowe right now her song The first cut is the deepest is a very good song reminds me when I fell in love and got hurt so many times. Nothing new but hey it happens to everyone so we can all unite in this global feeling and suck it up to experience. Talked to my friend Shunte on the my cell phone who is going through the same hassles at work like I was and I am thinking of filing a wrongful termination suit tomorrow when I go see my lawyer's Monday. Hmmm I hope that this stops them in there tracks when they can obviously not do this to whomever they wish. Well thats all for today I will write more when I have something interesting to write about.

Nothing much really to say that I looked for work screwed up my phone number on my resume which I feel completely idiotic. Haven't gotten any call backs for work which I am starting to stress because I have to make rent or be homeless. Stress is breaking all the pores in my face as oil continues to shine its liquid all over my skin. I fear that I may not rescue my family out of homelessness around christmas which is a definete possiblity or I could move in with my mother which is the next thing to death. You can hardly trust a person who has ripped you off and thrown you out after taking your money for rent?!!! So I say again my options are limited I just pray that the good lord up above has a reason for all of this and gets me another job while I still have a little money to recover whatever is going to happen. If not my mom's house here I come hopefully January will look better and I can hopefully get a job and get back on my feet before I fall flat on my face. Well thats enough from me talk to you later when I have a job or something interesting to say. By the way try neopets its pretty fun once you get the hang of it. Love all the readers thank you for stopping by every now and then comment if you want if not piss off.

I had a strange dream last night something about being reborned into a cocoon and coming out a different form of life which was a butterfly. Strangely enough I was eating humans by the dozens and taking on there form and intelligence. So I guess I will stay away from the stupid people. I also had a dream that killer slugs where taking over the human conscience and changing our genetic pattern into that of alien slash human crossbreeds. Although in my dream I had the ability to go invisible and morph into just about anything I wanted it still left me shaken. I guess I will never look at slugs and insect life the same again. The ending of the story was that I was trapped in an alien laboratory with no way to get out. I wasn't about to let them have my DNA which supposedly was a perfect match to reproduce. Scary as hell because I wasn't about to give birth only to bleed to death because the alien would rip it way right out of your stomach and eat the parent. Yeah I have a sick imagination but if I can only get this stuff in writting I would be a million dollars richer I swear. Oh well leave that for someone who is more intelligent and more skillful with book writing. Currently sitting at home filling out applications for different jobs. Yeah fun. I am seriously thinking about turning my back upon nursing and seeking another field. I will go in January for website design and see where that gets me I will not have to deal with the general public and people will be more like me a computer geek perfectionist. Well thats enough out of me you can really see how much of a crazy person I am see ya later. Peace

Twas the night before christmas

Here is a poem that I thought was cute but don't take my word for it read it yourself. Well I am off to cleanse my body since I am all sweaty and yucky. My face is the one thats paying the price because my pores seems to be an ugly mass of oily blemishes because of stress. Life is not fair but did you have to mess up my face along with it? Well since I can't complain to God because he might cause me more breakouts and that wouldn't be fun. Wish me luck with my job search tomorrow. I am going to apply in person at a couple of spots maybe someone will take pitty on me and hire me. If not homeless shelter here I come. It might make for some interesting stories later on in life. Love you all Cassie



'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE
MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT;
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE:
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND.
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS...

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS...
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT.
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY.
I FOUND A HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING--
SILENT, ALONE--
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN DISORDER;
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHO I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO;
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THIS SOLDIER
WHO WAS WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON 'ROUND THE WORLD
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOY FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE,
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE.
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA, D ON'T CRY.
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE."

"I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM.
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE.
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP.
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT;
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL;
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK NIGHT--
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR,
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND WITH A VOICE, SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON, SANTA.
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL'S SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL, A GOOD NIGHT."

Evil Monkeys are brought to you by Neopets

I was reading some poetry in my junk mail storage at aol since they are the king of pop ups which I detest greatly. May I tell you I hate those freaking pop ups because it screws with my online games that require speed and the less time you take the more neopoints you get. So low and behold I wrote a poem nothing special I wrote till my fingers told me to stop. A first in awhile since I have been busy with neopets playing there games and building me a shop to corrupt those little people in my evil monkeys shop. Laughs this one will probally kill Sandman but I just had to do it. So without further waste of time here is the link enjoy.Evil Monkeys and here is my lovely shop Alloira's shop. As you can see I have been busy and I thought this would make you laugh that a grown woman could easily be corrupted by a childs site. Damm there evil souls I know that there is an evil monkey laughing at me right now...

My evil monkey that has invaded the neopet world is here to corrupt and dominate my blog. Thanks to you faithful readers for coming back even though from time to time I become depressed and a little sissyfied. Well here is a picture dedicated to the monkey master because even he can't stop the rule of the monkeys.

I will post more later currently I am stocking my shop and the peeps from neotopia keep me busy. I am currently constructing a guild so if you want to join it I will be more than happy to add you to my neofriends list. Once again its Alloiratheviking. or Scruffymuffy007. Hugs kisses cassie

Nothing much to say except that I love Neopets which in itself is very cool. My little shop there is thriving and I will host weekly free stuff giveaways just because I can and that fact that I enjoy giving away free stuff to people. The site is totally free and guess what for those who hate and love Monkeys there are monkeys there but they aren't called monkeys. Sands my man you will just have to check the site out yourself and figure out what they are called. I thought about posting them in Evil Monkeys site just on your left which would make for an entertaining little skit but declined myself since I am sucked into the vortex they call Neotopia. I have a pretty cool site filled with fairies and all sorts of edible food they have on that neat little planet of there's. There are games galore that I can win Neoppoints from there currency which I am bound and determined to become a tycoon of sorts. I buy, sell, trade for cold hard NP which if you are a slight fan of that game will defiantly become addicted like I am. I got some of my friends to play the damm game along side of me which I am slowly corrupting the adults of america which I am proud to say I am not the only one there are 43 year olds playing the game. So now I don't feel like a complete loser right now except that sorry ass me had to go and get fired. Which I knew was coming when they kepted writing me up for petty stuff day after day. Kind of hurts because Christmas is coming around and I wanted to do something for my family for christmas. Guess that is not happening unless by some miracle of chance I get hired at a major hospital like I planned.

I get really frustrated out here and wonder if I should just pack my bags and leave sometimes but then I would be giving up and I still have some fight left in this old dog. So when things start to look up I want you all to pinch me and pinch me good. Well I am going to bed if you are on Neopets look me up I am Alloiratheviking. I have a cool little shop there where you can buy some pretty reasonable priced stuff which helps you if you are on a fairy quests. If you are my friend I will definitely cut you a break and set you up with a little gift package to help you on your feet like some cold hard NP. I think the battling style they have is completely boring which needs to be revamped a little because you sit there about dying and wishing you never stuck your foot into the battledome. Happens but the stupid bunching bag bob about drove me nuts from boredom because he could not do any damage to kill you but it took forever if you are a new pet trying to make a name for yourself. Well all you lovelies kisses to you all. Sleep is a good thing.

I miss a little cave surrounded by pictures and swords that always freezes the hell out of me but it was a comfortable place. Specially if you are wearing my favorite comic strip character Garfield hat upon your head to keep your ears warm.

Night

Well I got fired the other day so now I am jobless right before christmas hopefully somebody will hire me so that we don't become homeless too. I am really irritated with the way they treated me but what can I do sue them for wrongful termination? I don't have the time or energy to pursue that sort of thing will just eat more of my time and get me more irritable then I was before. But I did have a nice thanksgiving with family and calling people to wish them a happy Thanksgiving. I will call other people in other states after 9:00 so that I can save money and it doesnt cost me a fortune. Well talk to you later I am too damm fat from eating all that damm food mmmmmmm yummy.

I have been really down these last few days but I think things will turn around I am going to buy a car for $200 which may seem like little but my friend Carla and Cliff know where to get this car that's pretty cool because his ex did something to piss him off so her loss my gain I say. Tomorrow I am going to apply at Kaiser and St. Agnes which are pretty cool because they currently make more money there than where I work at. I am suspended for three days probally going to get fired because a charge nurse said I didn't pass my nourishment which I did but they refused there food. There are pretty alert residents so they can refuse without me lying which they backed up my explanation saying the nourishment and I quote are shit. But the charge nurse I think is in league with Donna whom doesn't like me because they were they with there nasty comments degrading me as usual. It was all I could do not to smack that ugly smug look off there face. Have you ever had that Incredible Hulk rage that you just wanted to destroy the object of your insane rage. Well if my body could have turned green and I got myself hulked out I think I would have killed the evil wench on the spot. But you know quite frankly I am actually happy because I know in my heart what happened and whatever they do to me know I will have the last laugh. It hurts because things are so chaotic but hey I am going to get a car maybe not in the best shape but hey it will get me to point a and point b.

I had a really good time drunk half a beer which I really wanted to chase down with some other alcolhol but 10 big gulps and I handed the rest back to Cliff who happily drank the rest for me. After that my mood for drinking had passed in its intensity. I know I could easily drown my sorrows in a lovely drunk haze but that's not my style but damm sometimes a little vacation from reality is in order. I do not regret a lot of things that have happened in my life I know that they happen for a reason. I was just told the other day that maybe the reason why they rub me so hard is that I am supposed to pray for them?!!! Well evil wenches I will pray that so how God will work some serious mojo and change the hearts and minds of some very evil devious people.

Right now I am not worried for some damm reason which in truth I should be but I just know things are going to turn around which I hope things do. I am glad that I decided to pick up the phone and call some friends and just hang out. Mopping around my house will not solve my problem or lift this heavy burden on my shoulders any lighter.

I am a fighter and I will continue even if its only in mere inches trudge forward and make the best of a lousy situation. My $20 gift certificate from work for dedication and loyalty went to buying some frozen pizza and watching the Hulk. Hence the references to the movie which I have to say is a kick ass movie. Pardon the pun. Well I am off to soak all those tired muscles and pent up anxiety right off my body with some steaming hot water. And hopefully lose some much needed tension because I am a huge ball of pent up negative energy that has to be turned positive with positive thinking.

Thank you Gary for your much needed kind words and prayers. I know in the end things will work out I just hate that I have to feel so damm frustrated but it only makes me a more creative person. Muah to all my readers may you stay safe and secure on the way to your Thanksgiving weekend. Love you all even the lawbreakers

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department at Alloirtheviking@aol.com otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

People are fucking sad, man
Frustrated and wounded, their words bleeding rivers onto
the paper
with a ship of solitude
but a sail of catharsis riding these tides of love, loss, and
loathing
they make their way crying out disgusts with life,
immeasurable, unknown, inner pain.
loneliness inescapable

Harsh passion chiming cheers of denouement
suicide chants
cries through pen and the simplicity of words

but they find they are yelling into caves and are afraid of
their own echoes
they see only outlines of themselves in poetic ramblings
and paint pictures with dark brushes dipped in black

**A yell**

Do not scream, I already see you.

So
Rise my softened leaf blown too suddenly in the wind
it has been a long journey to the ground
I could never remove my eyes though
because the fluttering and dancing you made during your
dissent
was those most beautiful motion I’ve ever seen
your light,
dim though it may be
always enchants me in the dark of these overwhelming evenings
and I smile that you feel alone
you who reaches out in expression
and words

your pain is yours
but it is not unique

Let us bathe in springs and swing from willows
let us taste life and share the flavors
and let our pain dance around each other till they grow
dizzy and collapse

I know you too.

Not fired which is the good news because they found me not at fault but the reality that you could get fired over someone else's screw up hurts a lot. But I am going to look for another job hopefully god willing I will get a better job so that I can get a car in January. That's all that keeps me going lately is knowing that January is so damm close and tax returns will get me one step nearer to my goal of going back to school for Rn. That reality of the situation is that I am stuck here in this situation where I can't change the circumstances of my life. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to catch up at all.

I must reintroduce the same subject that I have been relunctantly unable to live without is my independence. My ability to do it by myself and not ask for help from others have stuck with me till I don't know when. I got into an argument with Motau on the phone because I don't ask for help when I really need it because in reality I can't depend on nobody but myself. Well at the end of the conversation he said if I need help then ask him. Well I humbled myself enough to ask him for help and he says he will think about helping me pay for the new bedroom set that Cassandra really needed in her room. Think about helping me when I have been doing it for 7 years by myself. I ask you to help because I have just been financially fucked for the last 4 months and you have to think about helping your daughter get a new bed for Christmas. So my point is this don't say that I am too damm independent when you won't help me in the first place with anything for your daughter when you will not even send me money to pay for your daughter. Paying 95 dallors every two weeks is kind of pathetic don't you think when my rent is 580 a month which I pay by myself and no one helps me? I ride my freaking bike to work when he gets to live rent free with his parents and has the nerve to tell me he will think about helping me buy a bedroom set for my daughter. How I hate men in general who use women destroy them till they are bitter harden bitches who think that no matter how good there life is there is always something along the way waiting to destroy whatever goodness they possess into nothingness. I can remember when I had hope for the future even in my darkest hour I would rise triumphant with hope and love still beating in my heart. Now all I see is the cruelest passionless world shining its ugly head at me. Till my will to conquer gets smashed down as I try to make whatever prosperity for my family and I see these ugly people holding me back from something that could ultimately help me to succeed. All I say to you is that God will get you in the end you may hold me down now but in the end when I am in the kingdom of heaven there I shall reap the rewards of eternal peace.

Very bad day today because I am looking at getting fired which hasn't ever happen to me before due to circumstances beyond my control like not having the right equipment for the job which I am going to sue for if I lose my job. But I think it will go my way if not I will be a very pissed off person because this goes on your permanent record which could spell something scary and send my ass packing for jail. Hard to realize that just this morning I was complaining about actually having to go to work when I could lose all my income all together. So all in all this has been a terrible 3 years of my life which steadily has gone down hill for awhile. I am hoping that Brandon's connections with his cousin can land me a job at Kaiser which makes more money before I get fired or have a black mark on my name. Hopefully these things will go my way and I can quit without things looking bad. Damm if you do dammed if you don't which tomorrow I am going to contest all that has happened to me. The severity of the situation is unreal and I am pretty down about it. Depression will be rearing its ugly head as Christmas time is nearing which I picked out a lovely set of Bedroom stuff for my daughter. New bedroom set which I thought would make my daughter happy and make her feel special because it is a kids set not an adult set which is pretty mismatch right now. I still will continue to get it since my mother has graciously agreed to pay for it till I get a job so that I can take over the payments personally. I am getting humbled more than I can say and I am trying to figure out what the hell the meaning of kicking me so low that even the will to live gets unbearable. I keep wondering how much I can take before my fragile mind cracks under the pressure of this chaotic situation. My goals are steadily getting pushed further and further away and I am afraid that maybe even if I get my tax returns that I still will be carless, homeless, and kidless. I knew even my best efforts are in vain right now that some how there is this cosmic joke of how much stress we can put upon Cassandra before she goes over the edge of insanity. The pressure is mounting and my poor face is the one to suffer the consequences as I broke out with hives upon my face and arms. I know that I am not supposed to scratch them at all but damm they sure are itchy. I am off to bed under the covers where for a little while my dreams are my own to control even if my life is in shattered pieces on the floor?!!!

So my general feeling right now is of profound sadness and despair as I look forward to spending the holidays either at my family's or at a shelter. Pray for me good folks that I keep my job and hopefully God willing that whatever lady luck is doing right now she will shine a ray of light upon my head so that all the bad luck that I have experienced in my life will turn around and thinks will look good for my future. I know that I sound like a broken record but damm folks enough is enough. Well I am off to bed... Tootles

She does it again folks

Well in case you are wondering I have revamped my Poetry page a little more which will continue to change as I get the time and energy to devote some precious time to it. Tell me what you think of the page which I personally like the blog layout. I am a brilliant person if I do say so myself by adding what other people make and recreating it to make it my own with a little tweak here and there to perfect what I like. I will add a little clock feature on this thing to get a freaky button pushing thing going on so I hope you enjoy.

I love being creative and just talking to folks online nothing in particular just talking about daily activities specially videogames and poetry. You say one of those two little words and then you have my attention like nothing else even sex folks. I like talking to my friends on the phone bugging them on the telephone every now and then. Yes I do feel guilty for calling them when I know they probally don't want to hear from me at all because if they did they would call me first??? Yeah I can say regretfully that I don't have as many friends as I would like to because my tendency to put my foot in my mouth and speak exactly what's on my mind. Hey if I see something wrong I am going to tell you straight away and in a hurry which is something that most people can't handle. Carla and Cliff have been here for awhile and I have only seen them twice that has to say something huh?!! Everybody is pretty busy and doesn't need to be dragged down by me or my problems I guess. Or don't want to be bothered with me in the first place. Hell I don't even get emails from my friends which I have quit writing them because I hate not getting a letter in return pisses me off like nothing. So if you are wondering why I am not writing you is that you didn't reply to my emails and I feel that my effort is in vain. I hate wasted energy I want to know that something I take my time for is given at least a fair amount of energy to in return.!!!??? Is this crazy or what?

I know that I can be selfish in the extreme that I expect so much from my friends and most of the time I am sadly disappointed when they forget my birthday. I don't expect presents or cards but a nice call would have been nice or even a quick hello. But that didn't happen whatsoever which hurt more than I could say in person. They didn't even care enough to acknowledge my birthday because most of them forgot or didn't want to be bothered. Thanks

I remembered Brandon's birthday today which I am a disappointed that he didn't even wonder what I sacrificed to buy him a cake plus dinner and a birthday card. I didn't get to eat for awhile which I waited till I got home because usual I don't have enough time to make anything. Nothing is ever made for me for work so guess what its either eat what the residents are eating or starve. And there food there is shit. I realize that people will take you for granted unless you completely go away and when they actually remember you then they wonder hey where did that person go who use to do this or that.

My most secret fear is not to be remembered by anyone because I can name the few people who love me completely on one hand. My Grandmother, My two kids, and my brother which leaves an extra finger kind of dangling out there lonely. People who have said they have loved me lie like they normally do to either get what they want from me mostly to use me or get money form me. I get tired of being disappointed by the people I care for when all they simple have to do is love me in return. That is not asking for much at all. You know who you are who have lied to me on a daily basis treating me like shit and made me want to give up everything and just plain go away from anybody I have ever known. You have kicked me so low that I thought I couldn't see the bottom of the whole you have dug for me. The bitterness is spilling out of me like a seeping wound and I am powerless to control my rising emotions. Hell I am considering taking some depression pills to see if that will mellow out my moods long enough to make since of my chaotic life?

You know I had an idea of getting some other members on my blog so that they can add some little tid bits of there lives here so that I can remember it later when I have Alzheimer's which my luck I will get. And the only record of my memories will be stored on a computer that I will have no freaking idea on how to use. So if you would like to be a member of my blogging team email me a little message as to why you think you want to be here and I will read it. As time permits I am running out of time and things to write on my blog which to you probally seem apparent as the ace of clubs. So tell me what you think of my little idea which of course is non too original so whatever you can sue me for my bicycle if you want.

Dear Readers,

Currently under recontruction is my immune system which has been invaded by aliens and has caused me all kinds of hell. Which are the following but not limited to sneezing, watery eyes, coughing, hacking. vomitting, nausea, itchy throat, itchy eyes, blowing nose too much, raw tender nose, lack of appetite, can't taste anything with my taste buds, tired, irritable, and a million others that I can name but would be redundant. As you know alien life forms are green and slimey and I got about a million of them coming out my nose to invade and infect all those out there in the universe with a simple sneeze I can launch those suckers a million miles. So if anybody is sick its more than likely I have infected you with my deadly strain of alienitis. Commonly know as the flu with a touch of a high grade fever to makes things a little more interesting. Which I have been playing Neopets in my semi-conscious state which I have gained more money in my stupidity than ever in my normal state. Has to say something about my intelligence doesn't it. Hey folks I a stupid poor girl from California and I don't recommend you following in my footsteps cause I am quite boring.

Well I am off to read a book and maybe get some story ideas to maybe one day become a world famous writer that will rock your world. Obviously it will be my luck that I will be famous when I am dead and the money will go to my children while I die some horrible death in a retirement home for the aged and the incompetent. Joy is my life...

Muah kisses all your cheeks. Love ya

Dammit well my computer goes on the strike leaving my previous entry an no go so I had to start over with this post. You know I really hate that because usually I don't go into much thought or what topic I am going to post tonight or later. I like the off the cuff stuff so that I can't edit it or take something out of here that would likely offend you peeps who read my blog cause frankly (sorry Frank for taking liberties with your name) I don't give a shit if you like it or not. It's my little piece of the net which I can mold and create as I see fit. Although I personally like it when you do comment to see how well my site is getting its ratings from the public which gives me an idea if I have actually gone too damm far in my word usage or content. I do enjoy shocking the shit out of people with the barest of facts of what I do. I try to go easy on the information that I put here so that you can't find me if you want to stalk me from the internet to my brave little apartment. That would be kind of freaky but you are welcome to bicycle along with me to and from work if you would like. My life is pretty boring unless you count the occasional call from a friend who feels guilty enough to call me.

On a related topic I got a pretty new cell phone with color screen on it with some damm cool pictures which I have promptly named my interesting new phone Jasmine. Not quite sure why I just chose the name off the top of my head. Although it doesn't have the nice cool feature that Priscilla had like a damm alarm to alert me to get up or set ahead on a timer so that I can remember to do my yard checks. It does have a lot more features than my last phone did which text messaging would be cool if you actually want to be kind enough to send me a cheer up you loser message would really make my day... I might go into cardiac arrest but hey that's not your problem.

My cousin Denise called me today from Mississippi to get back in touch which of course you know is one of my favorite cousins because our time was short to get to know her well. But she is pretty awesome and we hit it off well the few weeks we got to make up for all the time we didn't get to play as children. The games we did play when we were together specially with the boys who wanted to flirt with us both. Although they did wonder if we were lesbians a lot because we were always hugging or kissing each others cheeks as the custom to do when you know you only have so much time. I honestly do miss her and would love to have her move up here but that is never going to happen unless a miracle of God will happen to chance her to move down here. She got a divorce from her stupid and idiotic husband who treated my cousin like shit when she is a princess deserving of a handsome prince instead of an ugly redneck cowboy who doesn't know shit from syphilis in my ever opinionated brain. Did I mention that he is a rotting corpse of a man destined to be eaten by maggots when he dies???? (Madame Cassandra predictions always come true the boy will be pushing up daisy in the future you can guarantee that one buddy)

On other news from the work place I have a different shift as well you know but my friend Leticia is moving to another job in a few weeks which I find is sad. I really enjoy working with her plus Vivian and Shunte can't forget my partners in crime. I like yelling out obscenities at passerby's who happen to get the idiot award for being just plain dumb. Shunte bought me some chicken today at Albertson's which I originally asked for a 6inch sandwhich and the gentlemen behind the counter promptly said there are no 6 inches here. Looking at the menu I blushed a fiery red color to match my hair because I had to look up and there directly in huge bold letters says 7 inch sandwhiches and 12 inch subs. I meekly declined the 7 inches when Vivian spoke up and said give me the 7 inches if you dare. He laughed and said he had only 12 inches for her and only if she was hungry enough to eat it all. Being amused at this blantant flirting I stood in the sidelines as Vivian expertly and delicately declined his offer of 12 inches and settled herself into 7 inches of Ham, Turkey, Roast Beef, and salad sandwhich which you know he added extra stuff just because. I laughed when he offered to pay for all of our meal which he did and Shunte (whom previously offered graciously to pay my way) was free from obligations of donating her money to the cause of my rumbling stomache. :::Go me::: I don't know why but Vivian who is extremely attractive for a female always gets free stuff no matter where she goes. Free drinks at clubs, Free food at McDonald's (was a witness to this occasion this is how I ate for free before!!!) ,Rally's which is down the way from our work, and the list could go on forever but that girl has major mojo in her female arsenal. Work it girl work it. ::::cracking up:::::

My friend is currently trying to rid himself of his drug habit which he has been successful so far but there are many obsticals in his way like a drug abusing sister who can't seem to take care of here kids which are a step away from CPS been called on her dumb ass. I can't understand people and there responsibility or how they justify the safety of there children over an addiction to a certain drug. I have never been a drug addict so I do not know first hand what type of feeling you have or the need that takes over your very life but I can be at least sympathetic for awhile. My friend is trying very hard to change his life only thing I can offer him is words of encouragement and hope that he is smart enough to change his ways and know that its never to late to change. I do believe he has it in him to become something other than what he has been doing in the past. I have know him for several years and often wonder at how a smart man could just be plain ass stupid but hey it happens you know.

Okay kiddo's lets fade back a few years back when TMNT's (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), Garbage Pail Kids (one of my personal favorite's), Leggos which have never gone out of style, and the ever impressive G.I. Joes which I liked Lady Hawk. Why did I mention this because hey peeps out there I personally played with this stuff along with My Little Ponies, Rainbow Brite (Loved her and the beautiful Unicorn), Barbies of course. But I liked Transformers better and would trade them in an instant for Transformers Transformers
which I had to about tackle my brother to play with them. I am sorry but girl toys are so boring sometimes its not funny. But hey I never miss the chance to dress up as a girl from time to time. LOL when I have the time is about right cause when do I have it? Well got to to talk to some peeps yack at you later love always you know who Alloira...

Things I wonder about

Things I wonder about

Have you ever dreamed of a poem but when you woke up your are only left with the feeling but not the words?

Several times as a matter of fact and it makes me frustrated because I know it is probally the most beautiful poem I could have ever created and its lost in my dreams

How in the hell do you get those words out of your head that I know are lingering on your tongue to paper form to express the inner creativity that is lurking its ever elusive head? I want it so bad I can taste it but the ability still evades my creative talents where I feel the most frustration.

I know that I have it in me to write something beautiful and awe inspiring maybe not the drive or the gumption to put it forth from my mind to paper. I have the will but not the power to provoke the magic that Anne Rice and stephen King can evoke with the power of there talent. I am jealous of all hell with there simple inevitable power they can create such remarkable precision. To be able to tell a story and have many people read them. That ultimately is my goal to actually put into words the dreams that I have into reality and put to paper. That would make this girl extremely happy. My friend Jason gave me the bite of the writer with his notebooks of poetry and simple writings of a teenager and a young man in angst. Which I am profoundly grateful for the simple gesture of being the first person to be nosy enough to look and dwell into the depths of an amazing person's soul. I feel that simple touch of generosity exploded something inside me to share what little gift I have with words to share with the world. I do not hold any illusions that I will ever be a famous writer but it would be nice to have experienced something the angst in writing a novel and get recognition for your works.

Take my friend Sandman who is incredibly talented with his artwork as well as a struggling writer whom I know will make an excellent novelist given half the chance. I believe in the magic of his world and hope that his dreams come true whatever lies in that secret heart of his. He has talent out the wazoo that could still even the darkest of hearts.

My friend John who can capture your soul in a picture has the amazing gift of taking photos. Although he has yet to take it to the next level I believe that his talents are just emerging and can fully awaken when he puts a little more energy and direction to it. But I do believe he would make an excellent photographer of naked women because he would seriously die and be happy....

Do I believe that a perhaps a benevolent soul will come into my life and change my future?

I doubt it because I have a serious run of bad luck but I am ever persistent in my believe that things happen for a reason and maybe you have to work hard at something you want. Even if its not exactly what you had in mind. That the powers that be know exactly where you need to be and when one door closes several others are there taking its place even though it might not be exactly what you want. Somewhere down the road you will find out what the true meaning of it will be. What that is exactly and where I am going has always been a mystery to even me but I am ever determined to make my mark on this world whether it be good or bad. Mostly I hope that I can leave a piece of me behind that others may understand me for the person that I am not the illusions that I like to surround myself and share with you.

What I would like to be is someone who is loved and cherished by someone who could ultimately change her perception of the world around her. Change all this dark and grey matter to something as brillant as a rainbow in the sky. I have longed for something to be beautiful as the time of a first kiss as you experience anothers lips upon your soft gentle flesh. That feeling of a first tenative spark that sets your heart pounding in your chest and a rush of blood roaring in your veins. I know that all this is possible with the right person in your life. I know this is probally confusing to some of you that reads my blog on a daily basis. I feel like this 90% of my life and have grown attached to my friends emotionally. That if there were to die that part of me would die with them. I have had several dreams where I have woke up crying because I dreamed of there death. I know that when they die I will feel shattered and useless that the light that I have in my heart will dim with there passing. That life will weigh heavy on my heart till I feel the urge to scream or cry and talk to them as if they were still alive. I have had conversations with my friends when I pray to them when they have passed over. That I keep them in my heart is a testiment to there memory. That I love you enough to make you a very necessary part of my life. Okay I am going now I have said to much... But my friends are my life in the essence that they keep me sane in there ever quest to sort out there own issues...

Blue skin equals love...

Blue skin is so sexy specially on him



Well I find this guy extremely attractive because of the markings on his body and that his character is widely misunderstood in the movie until the end... But I have always like the actor himself in his 007 days playing a computer nerd turned traitor... Enjoy

Music to Soothe the Savage Beast

Music moves me in a way that soothe my soul in its stumbling nature as I putter around trembling in my heart. I can get lost in the lyrics where for a time I am beside myself. Walking along like a dear lost friend observing the different aspects of my life where problems seem stupid and petty. I can forget for a time the rain pouring down on my forehead chipping away the hard foundation that creates me. Weighing down my soul along with my clothing as I bicycle along day dreaming and listening to the music that is going on in my headphones. This is what keeps me going when I ride 14 miles to work and back the endless thought that hey at least my bills are getting paid and I am not homeless this month. That I am doing this by myself with no help from no one that is a huge medal on my chest.

New Updates: Poetry

Well low and behold I wrote some new poetry nothing too fancy but hey its me in a nutshell so I hope that you can enjoy it. Nothing much happening here except that I am waiting for my Neohome to be built which takes a few hours to do one room at a time which is extremely frustrating and specially when you put in the furniture for your neopet and it doesn't stay where you put it. So when you go to review the room it is bunched up in the corner like a hurricane hit the room with severe force!!! Oh well you can't really expect much from a free online game spot. Well dear readers I got to go to bed I hope that you enjoy the poetry which I will be posting time to time when I get inspired to write something emotional in words. CHow

On a side note: Have you noticed when you click on to the links that the stars come out to whisk you off to another world. I do not know if you have noticed but it reminds me of fairy dust and pixie trickery...

Neo Pets are awesome

Well just got back from playing Neo Pets Online which is totally fun and I am addicted. Childish I know but hey its my life right. Well not much going on except that I like my new shift in the mornings except when it rains. They have forcasted showers tomorrow so I am hoping it will wait till I ride my bike to work and wait till I get home! Do you think I will get lucky??? Probally not but here's hoping that a little ray of sunshine will follow me all the way to work. Please Please pretty please.. Well got to go enjoy the new link... Muah Cassandra

Dying to be young

...::Dying to be Young::...

Okay kiddo's I am going to tell you an embarrasing truth about myself that if you go and tell everyone I will have to definetely kill you. So please keep this secret between you and me. As you probally know I dyed my hair the other day a :::Gothic Red Color::: that leans toward dark blood red which next week I am going to chunk it black and add red sheen highlights towards the tips of the hair just because I can... Well during the dying process since I have done this many a time I forgot the #1 rule of dying add a little lotion or vasaline around the neckline which subsequently died all my facial hair on my cheeks a beautiful dark red. Which as you know females normally have very fuzzy like downy hair upon there body everywhere even though you may not see it. Well guess what it was now promently displayed upon my person which comes to the secret I am currently in the process of discribing. I tried scrubbing the crap out of my face in vain hopes of removing whatever lingering layers of flesh that I have off. But alas a reddened face later I still have a full beard of red going on like I was a dude or something. Being the ever resourceful person that I am I promptly pulled out the ole shaving kit and took a hatchet job on my cheeks and neck to remove the embarrasing sight of me screwing up again. But I still have a delightful trail on my back where the hair is now a dark red on my back instead of being delightfully invisible. I look like a treasure trail that is usually on guys on my back. Although be it the hair is only fuzzies on my back high lighted red instead of long hair with burly patches on the stomache. So I got this kind of cat women cross species thing going on with my body. I was almost smart ass enough to dye my hair down in my neither region but hey I am bald as a baby down there due to frequent lawn mower action down there. Brings to mind a weed wacker and you probally got the idea. Okay I can admit it I don't have the patience to make a cute little design down there by trying to give myself a hair cut. I don't like body hair on me at all which explains why I shave my arms because hair is pretty unsightly. When given the chance I am going to have laser removal surgery performed on me to remove all unwanted hair which means I will save a bundle in razors, shaving cream, and leg moisturizor... Hell I can spend it on more entertaining things like videogames and a new playstation that is coming out soon

So yeah back to the story I had to shave my face which I am praying that will not turn in to a full blown beard if that happens I will take out a loan and get my face lasered for sure cause I am not going through my life with a full blown beard. :::insert laughter::: I just told you my dying disaster stayed tuned for next weeks laughter when I go back to chunk it black and add a little red sheens to it. That should be interesting specially towards my bodily hair that seems to catch hold and take the color into there bosoms. Well more later... Muah (insert kissing sounds to your cheeks)

I figured out what I want in life which is pretty simple in its barest terms and most of you peeps out there will understand fully what I mean. I want to go to sleep with a man who doesn't want to sleep with me (okay he wants to) but just want to hold me. I want someone to love me exactly for who and what I am even if I am the angriest person on the planet. Even though my bad traits out weigh my good traits that wouldn't matter. I haven't been held or kissed by someone who truly loves me in a long time. I miss the feeling of a connection that isn't sexual in nature. The type of cuddly full body holding which I have affectionately called Cuddle Bunny. See dear folks I can live without sex contrary to popular belief and my constant raving of sexual intent. I want love in its barest forms and hey its a plus if its shown and affectionate in its sexual expression with its basic form. Although I have to admit that I like sex very much because its raw passion in its most primal form. There are times when I just want to sit next to a person and want to feel there arms around me holding me closely till I can feel there heartbeat hypnotically lolling me to sleep. I find the most simple gestures like kissing to be more stimulating and more memorable than all the thousand of creative positions you can create up in sex. For once without the ruining of the fragile illusion of love be caught up in a moment of pure and utter bliss of a heartfelt passion filled kiss. This is all I ask before I die is a true love's first kiss after that hell I can live with a lot of things which I have done for most of my life. But don't take away my dream of maybe one day a lucky gentlemen down the road actually cherishing me for the simple fact of being Cassandra Renee Ellis. Not that I truly think this will happen becuase there are 27 year old virgins out there who still are waiting for marriage before partaking in the pleausres of the flesh which in all trappings includes love... I go to sleep with the barest and shattered hope that one day I can ease this burden that weighs my heart down trapping me inside this cave of sadness I bear. Sometimes the bitterness gets so thick that I fight for control within the crumbling stress that surrounds my daily live and my future. I can't help feeling that even my best efforts are not good enough and that no matter how hard I try I just might fail. This literally scares the ever living hell out of me that I, Cassandra can't figure out a solution to a problem that I am famously able to come up with answers. Maybe answers that you might not like but they are quite in fact chooses which some people might not even have the option for in the first place.

I keep being told lately which I know is true that my picture shows profound sadness which I didn't realize that I was so transparent in nature. I thought that my acting skills was better than I was led to believe so I must be ever diligent and keep constant watch upon my expressive feelings. To be honest I feel like I have lived so many lifetimes in my mere 27 years and I am not looking forward to the future because my life is such a struggle. Hell I was even tempted to write to Sharon Osborne of my trouble so that she could find some big wig corporate office to help me out a little bit while I humiliate myself on national tv by crying because they got me a car. I know that all composure would be lost if they did that because I would think hey all I got to do is pay the insurance on that and car tax. All else the big part has been paid for ::::go me::: which normally with interest compounding can rape you blind. Well Goodnight readers I am off to bed because my son wants more attention and it's hard to type this one handed but as you can tell I did a splended job.

Muah :::insert kissy face sound:::: (wipe of blood red lipstick) hey it matches the hair.

Nighty night night....

Music is the spice of LIfe

Music is the spice of Life...

Current music: Avril Lavigne Things I'll never say
(Singing to the music)(dancing in my chair)(singing to my computer screen)

As you can very well tell that there is music now on my blog as I get more HMTL educated (yeah right) :::::insert laughter:::: I learn how to do a little more each day and I encorporate what I learn into my blog which makes a very happy me when I have it the way I want it. I am figuring out animated pictures which I will somehow plug in later when I figure out where to paste the code at. Not easy as it seems but hey I am learning and the book that I have been absorbing like a sponge hey maybe I am smarter than I think? Hmmm maybe not!!!

Anyways the addittude from Brandon increases everyday because I am lacking with whatever I can to help him out financially. Hell I don't know what the hell I can do anymore because I am like a couple steps out the door from my work because they have put false write ups in my folder. Somehow they got the smart idea those evil ass charge nurses Donna and Celia decided to write me up everyday on written warnings that I never signed or even knew about it so there you go. I am currently trying to look for different work at the hospital so that they can pay me more for less work so that I can get a part time job somewhere anywhere as long there is two incomes. I can't depend on no one but myself because hell they don't care enough to help me in the first place. Case in point of actually sticking by my side and declaring there ever lasting love. (laughs) That will be the day that I could ever trust someone enough to let him in my heart as in everlasting love. I do not put hopes in dreams into something that can never be because I know that there will never be another person to love me like myself. If I love myself than that's good enough because men in general suck rocks.

Current Music: Skid Row Remember Yesterday

(Singing to the music)(dancing in my chair)(singing to my computer screen)

On the good part of the day I got to change my assigned shift to A.m. shift which has worked out pretty well because I don't have evil ass charge nurses breathing there vile thoughts down my neck depressing the shit out of me. I actually considered quitting my job because I felt like I was doing something absolutely wrong like actually be myself. Hell fuck the stupid bitches who can't handle a person standing up for herself when another employee sexually harasses her by making inapproperate remarks. And trying to get physically confrontational by backing me up into a corner and just plain being mean to me. I am not scared of the person just the fact that he caught me off guard by coming out of nowhere and I threatened him with a dirty diaper. Should of seen the look on his face when I threatened to wipe shit on him from a resident that has diarrhea. Changed his toon quick, fast, and in a hurry never moved so fast out of my general direction in his life.

Current Music: Lillix Tomorrow
(Singing to the music)(dancing in my chair)(singing to my computer screen)

So I am looking forward to January where I can purchase a new car so that I do not ever have to ride my bike to work ever. I will take my two kids to the park or where ever I want without having to wait upon some good soul to take me. I hate that I have to freeze my ass off to get to work and if it rains GOD help me because it will not be cool. But you have to do what you have to do to get by and make sure your kids are not homeless....

On a positive note I have been throughly humbled by my different circumstances that I will appreciate more the stuff given to me or earned in the near future. (singing still)

I talked to my neighbors who are two struggling teenagers living together under bizarre circumstances making a meager existance on there own. Well things are looking up for them because they have a job to support themselves with there families help.

Well back to cleaning my room talk to you later probally tomorrow or hopefully later...

The Spirit of Halloween

Hey all its Halloween,

Since my daughter also wonderfully named after me Cassandra has a birthday today which her father came down on the Grey Hound. Although he got in a minor Bus accident due to some bodies fault which I am not sure whom at the moment because it is hear say from the uninterested help behind a fat desk... My daughter pouted and looked down because Moe wasn't here on time and that she was looking forward to seeing him. But a quick trip to Wally World made all the difference when she got to pick out her fish instead of watching the clock tick by slowly. Have you ever noticed that when the you are waiting time seems to crawl by so damm slow its not even funny. But if you are Having fun time goes by so fast that you hardly know where it went and its time to go home....
Going to have a birthday party for my daughter around 4:00 when her father gets here and when my mother gets back from picking up her boyfriend. This should be an interesting gathering tonight of different folks in a tight space trying to wolf down some delicious cake. Hey she likes harry potter and I decided to make a scary cake and add Harry Potter design of my own choosing. It came out damm good and I am pretty proud of myself for coming up with the idea. Cassandra requested a Halloween Cake this year to celebrate her birthday. Which I was hesitant to obliged cause I like the pretty frilly girlie cakes but I gave in and its a total success. Besides it's not about what I want but what she wants right?!!!

Not dressing up for Halloween poor me because I can't seriously afford it but hey I am in my favorite Doc Martens shoes that you know anybody who is anybody wears them. If not you are not anybody I guess.(insert laughter here)

On other news I am going to dye my hair dark red again with some black chunks in it plus some red shine highlights that will look pretty cool. I got the idea of Julie Vue who did her hair with Blue Shine Highlights that looked really good. Plus she has this gorgeous black hair that goes down her back reminded me of a Persian cat with those hypnotic eyes. She is really a great person plus dear readers she is also a piercist professional person. She pierced my nose for me and it cost hardly anything because I was her friend... ...:::GO ME:::...

Well Readers I must be off to cause some mayhem and chaos wish me luck :::smiles evilly:::: this is supposed to be the night when the veil between the dead and the living is at its thinnest. HMMMM I wonder who wants to talk to me from the other side?!!! I am hoping for King David, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, John F. Kennedy, Bloody Mary, and whomever else wants to come a calling to visit me. Happy Halloween to all your peeps out there goodnight....



Tori looks absolutely beautiful in this faery Picture that just naturally accents her inner beauty like she actually needs the help. She is fabulous darling simply fabulous...

The Beautiful Tori Amos whom I love as a singer and a survivor of rape who beautifully and energetically fights back by being the strong woman we see today. She is one of my hero's whom I look up to because she speaks so openly and candid about exactly what happened to her. You are in my heart and prayers as always. Us females got to stick together against the nasty ugly males out there who don't know how to take no for an answer. You will get yours in the end buddy cause GOD will get you...

updates

Revamped and took some stuff off and just added to the links in here so that you can navigate around a little easier... Plus saves on the loading time of my blog by a few seconds which helps if you are on dial up. I will continue to provide a little bit more information here so that I can better serve you lol. Like that will happen but hey its my blog I can write whatever I want. I have been web designing taking a little from here and a little from there to make the sight better I hope that you appreciate my effort...

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department at Alloirtheviking@aol.com otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

My horrible scope

Appearances matter a lot. Dress to attract and impress. Although styles come and go, they draw attention to your permanent inner beauty. Someone looking toward a shared future with you likes what he or she sees right now.

...:::Time to reflect:::...

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department at Alloirtheviking@aol.com otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

...:::Time to reflect:::...

My best friend Antionette is gong through some major issues and since my damm cell phone is messing up I couldn't call her in her time of need. So I took the liberty of taking her to lunch where we had a nice bitch out session over the things in our lives that we need fixed. Mostly its men in general and add the problems at work makes life a little miserable to handle. But being the ever pessimistic person that I am I deal with it like any other person I begin to systematically hate there guts. The old me would have seeked revenge upon them with an utter ruthlessness that would defy reason but I have improved myself greatly upon my flaws. I don't want to hate a person just because they are crappy to me because they have nothing better to do in there lives then to make me miserable. Hell I will find a way to deal with the situation eternally and forget that you ever existed in the first place. Not that I am any better than you in the first place just that I can believe that there are things that need to be taken care of and you just not one of them....

My friend Antionette is so hurting because of her vendictive ex-husband has it in his mind that because she doesn't need him for her soul existance that he will make her life a living hell. She is a remarkably strong person that she is so giving, thoughtful, and wonderful that at times when I was feeling bad she helped me get through. I am trying in all my resources to give back what she gives to me on a daily basis. So I pray for her life to get better in the simplist ways possible. She cries and I can't seem to find the words to help her out when she is going through this and it makes me feel bad. I can feel the the emotional raw wounds that she is carrying and it breaks my heart that another human being would want to inflict such sorrow upon a undeserving person. I for one can handle whatever people throw at me and be irritated and throw it off but some people take it inside of them and carry it for awhile. I reflect eternally and see what I can change so that people will leave me the hell alone. Although my mouth which generally as a rule can be very lethal when I am provoked has caused me to get into trouble. I can't control my nature of fighting back at you when I am pushed too far either I start crying and get seriously angry to the point where I want to hit you or I walk away never to return and just regroup. Either way I end up crying and trying to figure out how to avoid that situation in the near future.

I will tell you honestly that I do not want anybody in my heart but I have several people whom I love deeply. They are my friends and when they hurt it hurts me because I am powerless to stop whatever is affecting them at the moment. That bothers me because what use am I to them if I can help them in there time of need.

Gary the sex God

And now for the best part the sexy gorgeous marvel of a man can write poetry like there is no tomorrow. Although his talents lean towards writing music and tantalyzing us with his images on screen which is will be a famous actor. Yeah folks you have heard it first here. This man will be famous. Coughs :::I promise I am not obsessed folks just stating facts not fiction::::

...:::The poetry in all its splendor:::...
(You know I just love poetry right?)


WHAT I WANT

love of an eye
first sight in the morning
light reflects your face
your contours make me log to embrace.

yearning inside
for the moment of your kiss
can I help the feeling
because you give me this

I will travel
over all types of gravel
whatever I have to do
to show you that I love you

If you ever pass away
I hate this thought everyday
I would never leave your side
whatever the ride

because you are my life
reflections of you is my might
whatever you do
remember I will always love you




SEX IS EMOTION IN MOTION



sex is sex
remember its free
sex made you
and sex made me

and when its time to change position
from the bed to the floor
your eyes of suspition
your honey pot wanting more

your juices
my lotion,
my pleasure
your potion

deep inside
she's pushing back
said, my lover
never stop taking me like that

twisted white hearts
showering my love
all playing their part
like moses dove


Now his beautiful canine companion who just was looking at me with those big brown soulful eyes I just had to make him apart of my little blogging world... Welcome Kernal!

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department at Alloirtheviking@aol.com otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

Added a few more stuff today which took most of my time before work. Hopefully this looks better than what I was putting here before?? Just give me some feedback because your opinions matter to me greatly. One of my online friends gave me a compliment today about my blog says it looks nicer than the last one which is totally great. My idea of using this blog better than my last one was the soul reason to change it. That and I didn't have another choice since my last one got erased. CRY CRY CRY WHINE WHINE WHINE BITCH BITCH BITCH Wipes tears off face okay my weak moment is through. I lost so much from my last blog that I could cry. I still have to figure out how to plug in some images to this blog which I am unfortunately pulling my hair out to make it interact with this new blog without it looking stupid. OH well I have the patience and the time to scream my bloody ear drums raw till I get it right. Plus I am meticulous when it comes to doing this so lookout peeps I am coming back with a vengeance... Well I am off to add some more stuff. The comment box is back if you want to be kind enough to leave a few messages. Talk to you peeps later... Sincerely Cassandra

I had to revamp the ole blog because my template accidentally got erased being the ever resourceful person I am. I just looked for me another one and put it here. SO over the next few days I will be adding more stuff on here to actually have it mine instead of another's. Thank you Maystar designs for kindly putting up with my inquires and for designing this nice little blog. I appreciate your effort upon our ungrateful bloggers out there. I will leave a link to her site so that if you all want to take a gander yourself you will be able to switch out your blogs pretty effortlessly. I recommend saving your template just in case something like my accident happens to you.

On another note I am not looking forward to going to work but you know how that is but maybe just maybe they will not be there. Ye Gods I must look for another place to work quick fast and in a hurry. Hopefully things will look better. Sincerely, Cassandra

A new friend online

Thanks to Gary who giving in to my intolerable demands upon his personal time in sending me pictures of himself and the place he lives England. I have to admit he is an exceptionally attractive man with a remarkable heart to boot. Very interesting to talk to when he explains exactly what and whom he hangs out with. He believes very strongly in justice and the moral fiber he cares reminds me of a knight in the medieval ages of old. His pictures are very flattering for a older male since he keeps thinking he is so old he can't continue his acting career but I honestly think that they are missing in an extraordinary person. But that's just my humble opinion which in the acting world means just about the same as in my world diddly squat. But alas he deserves some praise for putting up with my demands for a picture by sending me more than what I asked for. Thank you so much Gary for taking the time to send I appreciate the effort you gave in please a person you don't know whatsoever. Again on to Gary who has extraordinary beautiful blue eyes that could stop a women in her tracks ten feet away. That's what stuck me about him first was that gorgeous smile of his which is quite striking to say the least. Then he has to pair it off with a beautiful pair of eyes (deep penetrating blue) that could melt even the iciest of hearts. Plus gentle readers he is still available for the lucky female to win his heart so I say to you snag that damm English stud before someone smarter comes along to wisk his heart away. Plus he can dress like a medieval hero in a sexy garb he definitely deserves some second or third glances. Well here is his pictures for your viewing pleasure because he just had to get his spot on my web... Muah enjoy... Cause I will be drooling for a week. There is a god in heaven because he can make a mold so perfect its like he is an angel in disguise tempting us in his mortal flesh with heavenly kisses.... (hell I wish)


The eyes are electric in there intense piercing gaze. I could write some serious poetry around this guys eyes which I think I will and post later with the poem. The intensity is visually stunning in the fact that you can almost feel him piercing your soul.

This man is the total package so hey stupid women in England hog tie this man take him home and make him fall in love with you.
I particularly like this one of him specially since I am into medieval clothing as you well know. His smlle is electric in its innocent pleasure of just simply being him... These are my impressions since I do not in fact know this person.

Again the eyes are the first thing I notice as well as the devishly handsome stunning male speciment shining in a full suit. Can't really tell the exact color so I am hoping its black (sorry if I am wrong). but he is a dashing figure of a man...

Drool Drool Drool okay I am dropping dead from exhaustion but he is worth being the very last image of my mind before these green eyes of mine drop off to sleep. NIght



I like this one because he seems more layed back and at ease with his surroundings. It's more of a soft look without all the piercing and things I normally look at in a man. He is truly a classic beauty in the sense that his preconceived notions that he is visually ugly to his minds eye. I know that we are our own worst enemy because we can see flaws when they are none seen.


Now here is a hint of a smile that follows up to his eyes. I wonder what he would look like actually being truly happy. I bet in my humble opinion that he would be visually stunning with electric blue eyes sparkle like sapphires. Can you tell I am an eye person they say more to you then a thousand words could possibly say.

Goals

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department at Alloirtheviking@aol.com otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

My Hopes and Dreams

Well to begin with I never used to want anything beyond what I thought I deserved. More and more I decided I wanted something more for myself like acutally setting goals for myself. I had a problem with actually getting stuff done on time until I got tired of actually doing nothing. Before I didn't have any goals in mind like where I wanted to go or what i wanted to be. See when you are small you dream of getting married and that becomes your life. Well I found out that to make yourself others happy you first have to be happy to begin with by knowing yourself.
So thats why I believe that love will come to you when you need it not when you want it...