SERENITY You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::
I think I realized my problem today and realized why why why I push people away. Why I only let people get so close than I just completely shut down. Megan was a lesson but who am I to be so perfect Im not believe me I try to be but I fail completely. Haven't you ever done something so terrible that you wish that person could forgive you? If the roles were reversed would you be so forgiving and just turn the other cheek. I have had betrayals toward my person the first one Gavin who I didn't turn the other cheek and the other Megan whom choose what she wanted to do. The first one I had to let you go because honestly your unworthy of me and I couldn't be the person you needed in your life. You most certainly wasn't the person whom you projected yourself to be trying to earn my trust with falsehood and lies but like everything eventually it all comes out in the wash. Megan I can forgive because she was sincere in her apology and my mother said something awhile ago while I was talking on the phone to her when I asked her how she was able to forgive Jeanetta her transgressions... She said sometimes it isn't worth living without that person whom you loved so much in the first place sometimes you just gotta give a little in return. Motau who hurt me so deeply that I thought the very act of breathing would kill me I forgave a long time ago but the trust was never there. I am sorry for walking away from getting married and hurt you in that way. But that one little lie which you know what im speaking about crushed me so deep that it was a knee jerk reaction to walk away and just give up. I closed myself my heart my life my everything up I have never loved another as I have loved him he will always be the love of my life. I do not think I possess the ability to love another in that way. I know that I love my friends would without hesitation die for them or those whom I consider my family. A person the other day told me that me calling them my best friend was insignificant *he didnt use this word but thats how I took it* sadly this is completely untrue. I dont have a lot of friends because I look for the most amazing people I can find and I keep them not only as friends but family. I think I have a handful of friends that I completely and utterly trust with my secrets and personal thoughts. I say this your are my best friend because you are worthy of the title and that I have put my trust in you because you have shown me the valor of your person and I am completely impressed. That there is no hiding behind false masks or putting up airs just because as you have said im am unworthy. I already know where I stand with you and im completely happy and satisfied in that position.
So back to the dream it struck me as profound the person telling me this I haven't forgiven myself of my faults I live with it I breathe it I punish myself for it everyday. I deny myself the one thing I ultimately want because I do not think myself worthy of it. Self loathing is a pain you have no idea I second guess everything myself the things around me. I constantly analyze every situation down to the molecule and then do it some more. I have burned bridges because you have done some pretty gnarly stuff to me that I find that I can't even look at your face for. I have yet to call Mariano dont have the desire or the need to do so. I already know the pressure from your family has had you call me because you dont want to lose face not that you really care but you must present yourself as the good guy. But I already know what a crappy ass person you are your not fooling me im just sad that you couldn't be the person you are when you are with me twenty four seven instead you think its a weakness. I told you before when I asked for help that I would never contact you again that you pretty much killed it the mere fact that you didnt call yourself other than this last time i have lost respect. Once gone its pretty much DONZO.
I feel like I am trying to hard to hang out with people when before they were searching me out to hang with them that I am doing way too much. So pretty much I will step back and just let it be don't try anymore if you want to hang with me then you will. If you don't than it is what it is and whatever happens happens. I can't make you see what is already right in front of your face.
I painted my nails today this fierce purple and when my foot stops being completely and utterly stupid I will paint my toes purple. Hates the fact that im super allergic to everything and walking on anything dirty regardless of changing my socks three times a day gives me hives which I cant help but itch. I wish I never discovered the pleasure of scratching. Anybody who has ever scratched that itch or have had someone scratch their back understand the sheer cat like pleasure it gives you.
My Jade is being real real real special you have no idea with the non listening, the disrespect, and the plain willfulness to do what she wants instead of listening. Yesterday was the dog, not putting back the stool, refusing to eat delicious food that she wants me to cook than deems it unworthy of eating, not wanting to go to bed at a decent time regardless of how many times she gets punished. I am at my wits end with her. You ever feel like the worst parent on the planet -----> points to self points to self. Currently feeling the weight of being a single parent and wishing she was never born. My mother was always able to pawn off her kids to grandparents and or uncles whenever she felt the need to get away from us years at a time. Why arent I so damm lucky? They see Jade and they are like fuck no hell no shit no.... I am completely and utterly physcially and mentally exhausted. I realized at this exact moment I dont need a man I need a champion who only wears Cassandra's colors proudly. Where is such a person? When you deem me worthy God let me know cause frankly my heart is held together by duct tape, super glue, rubber bands, silly putty, paper clips, and some twine. I could really really really use a hug and not feel so damm alone in the world.
