Well pretty much I am tired as all hell since I haven't had the good gumption to write in this thing at all. I have been so overworked at work that I found myself yesterday falling asleep whilst (I really like this word) I stand. Hell I think the nicest give anybody could give me would be a dictionary so that I could know the meanings of the words and a Theasaurus ? so that I can come up with new exciting words for my poems which I have this awesome one in my head that I have been meaning to post about dark love dark magic dark forest anything with Harry potter is awesome. Or my version of Harry potter at least. Strange thing a story line keeps popping in my head along with my sandman one which is not the same in the least I will sooner or later post my other blog link for those of you who are interested can view my story thus far. Sandman will get a kick out of not breathing the first few chapters because hell he wouldn't wink wink. That was a not so well placed joke by the way. I have nothing really to say except I am alive and kicking or alive at least. My tired brain is going back to bed so that i can get a few hours sleep before work tonight. DId I mention that I hate working? Really hate working but hell you have to work to live and live to work?!!!! Well goodnight and thanks for reading my boring posts lol Muah!

I had an interesting email and I would have to say that I am not an overly unique person. I am not extrodinary by any means nor am I particularly beautiful. I am cute and thats just about it. My personality makes a world of difference when I am probally talked about that girl has such a nice personality you should meet her. The boys go running for dear life. I was made fun of most of my life in my elementry school and most grade schools till I learned to fight back with my fists. I was picked on verbally bashed and physically brutalized on more than one occasion. Till I learned that my feeble attempts at diplomacy and calling on there good nature does nothing to sway there fist from hitting my face or kicking me whilst I am crying on the ground. I learned that boys are never to be trusted and it continue all through my history of one guy or another kicking me wheither it be verbal or mental. I would much rather have physical scars because in time I know that they heal and mental scars have a long lasting impression and are harder to heal with mere medicine and time. I can remember being so lost and having such mental anguish that it was surprising that I didn't try to kill myself at an early age. I think it was my pride or arrogance that prevented me from letting them win too much or have that much control over my life. There are a few people who can get to me today with there mere words cause they have that much control over me. There anger or love gets to me like no other and it hurts me or touches me deeply when I know that it is directed at me. It has to do with all my issues about family and my lack of one that I think that I am needing some sort of male acceptance in my life. Mostly its just the peers that I need which I seem to relate to because of my blunt and abaisive personality. I say what I mean and I do what I say. Mostly I get it from my mother who is a little crazy yes but she is the strongest person on the planet I know. hell to put up with even me and to have gone through as much bullshit as she has and still be kicking. I hate that my mother was molested, raped, beaten, terrorized, scared, hurt, demoralised, and the worst of it is for her own mother to not believe her when she tells then it was her own step father. My mother I think has forgiven my grandmother for her betrayal and for not believing in her. My mother who I can see at times has the most tender and sweet smile on the planet trying to recover her lost innocence. I often wonder what my mother would have been like if those terrible and heinous deeds where not done to her (crying sorry). I can remember my mother going through such rage and hatred at the mere sight of my mother's stepfather giving me a hug. You could have seen my suprise when I shrank back in terror cause my mother has just got that look of absolute rage and murderous vengence in her eyes. My father had to drag her and myself away before she brained him with any more cans of tuna. (btw we were in a shopping center at the time) I have never told my mother that I have been raped or that I had to have an abortion to get rid of the evidence and that I hid for many months under a huge amount of makeup to cover the bruising from my attack. I personally thought my mother couldn't handle it if she knew what happened to me and myself pretending it was alright and just dealiing with it on my own. There have been times i have recented my mother and I love her in all the same breathe. I can remember being molested and her going back to his house to talk to him when I would have rather killed his ass for touching me in the first place. Do I feel strongly about this issue hell yeah the worst parts of my life have been revolving around this. My mother bless her soul has been drowning her life out with alcolhol and pain killers that I do not know what I can do to help her or if she will even accept help from me. I carry alot of pain and emotional trauma from my own experiences and often times this carries into my relationships with others. I see all the damage that has occured within and surrounding my mother and I try to soften myself and not be like her. But I know truthfully I am a less bitter version of my mother and I will probally in the end doing the same thing she is doing with her life drinking it away with a bottle. I have the thirst for it and I know that if I started to do drugs that I will not have the will power to break away. That all my apparent strengths would be useless and I would fade way in a drug or alcolhol haze and my life would be meaningless. I do not have all or any answers to the universal questions and at times wonder what the hell am I doing on this planet. I am often times thougtless and careless with my actions towards people. I often go on instinct and not think of my consequences of my actions before I charge in say or do what i think is on my mind. AM I always right? No I am typically right on but I on rare occasion have been wrong from time to time. My experiences in my life have affected the person that I am today without them I wouldn't know who or what I am. Painfully struggling to understand the simplest of emotions finding it hard to express even to my love ones how much they mean to me. And I love alot of people and the list could be a huge one if I could let and others in my life. It all boils down to how much shit is Cassandra going to put up with before even Cassandra goes to a watch tower and ges postal on innocent victims. (Like I would ever do that but you get my point) I am struggling to come to terms with my choices and it has been harder and harder these last few weeks to get into grips with my own reality. Sometimes I am extremely overwhelmed and I have to put myself into a peaceful state in the shower and just relax and not worry about nothing. There are times when I think I am good enough for someone else to love? And my little voice in side my head says hell no your not so get over it already. That's Cassandra's pestimistic view of the universe see how ugly it is?!!!! Well I am through with conjuring up disgusting images of my past and my mother's pain and anguish. Sometimes you need to let the skeletons in the closet just rest for awhile.... Cassandra

My comments on the very talented and extremely beautiful Christina Aguilera: who is my Number one hero and I think the most beautiful women on the planet!!! she is a goddess and I love her new hair all black and gothic. coughs ahem the comments

SImms: what is the music you listening to
alloiratheviking: christina aguilera
SImms: cool
alloiratheviking: I will be
alloiratheviking: She is my role model
SImms: cool
SImms: she is cute
alloiratheviking: She does what she believes no matter what consequences
SImms: yup
alloiratheviking: whether the populace likes it or not
alloiratheviking: that sums up me in a nutshell
alloiratheviking: To me she is the most beautiful person on the planet
SImms: i think she is cute
alloiratheviking: I can see her struggling within her self
SImms: yeah
alloiratheviking: Torn on doing what she wants and what society will allow
SImms: yeah
alloiratheviking: Where the little morality button should kick in
SImms: she need to break out
alloiratheviking: She already has now she is dealing with the backlash of coming on too strong
alloiratheviking: but her image is improving I really like the black hair
SImms: k
SImms: cool
alloiratheviking: she doesnt look like the innocent girl that she once was
alloiratheviking: the black reminds me of a strong willed dark angel
SImms: yeah
alloiratheviking: exposing her beauty and darkness that she holds within smiling sweetly as she seduces your senses with her magical voice

Since this blogger thing cant handle my excessively long post I guess I will have to make due with this. I had an interesting conversation with my friend sims last night. He is at a point in his life where he is wondering where he is going. Depression usually sets in hopefully this will not happen to him amonst other things. Wishing for and obtaining love is the main goal for about 90% of the planet. Some settle for less than what they deserve. Others compromise there morality and do whatever the hell they want to obtain love which in truth love is blind. I think and I truly believe love is obtained when you need it most in your life. You hit a place in time when all the answers are somehow answered when you look into each others eyes. That whatever misery and that overwhelming lost feeling is magically melted away with that person's love in your life. That all the answers to the universe are answered when they say those three magical words I love you. Everything that you are doesnt matter just where you are going with that person. That's why I see hundreds of people wasting away when the love of there lives is gone dead buried in the ground. That feeling of joy peace is gone from there lives and takes a huge amount of courage to wake up everyday to just breathe. I have felt this in my life on more than one occasion and I am sorry to say that I have tried to kill myself because I was weak in mind body spirit. But the lesson that I carry from it is an overwhelming understanding that I may not be happy and complete but I am here I might as well live it to the fullest. I think it was a turning point in my life where I realized it didn't matter what I had it mattered what I am. That since then I haven't taken shit off no one and that I unleased my inner me and for better or worse I will not change for no one. Maybe for God but only if he asks me too WINK WINK. I do not think I am an exceptional person by any standards I am unforgettable thats for sure. My rowdy nature and my pension for cussing gets abrasive on some people but its my softer side that wins then every time. If I was a beautiful person I think I would have seduced half the men on the planet (grins) Maybe its wishful thinking on my part he he he or lack of sex or maybe both. I can admit freely that I need my friends they keep me on the straight and narrow and I strive to do things that do not offend them too much but it has happened and I will do it again time and time again. I am not ashamed of my sexuality contrary to popular belief. I revel in the fact that I am naughty but I will keep it here or on my Yahoo posts and to my few select friends and for my husband who is the love of my life. Cassandra out of here to read my harry potter book. I haven't gotten the new one yet but that is next paycheck with a few other things on my list like a web cam. Love you all Cassandra.

kiss on the lips - you're sweet and simple but
quite daring. you move for the kill confidently
knowing the other person wants the same thing.


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


This is really cool reminds me of a van I kissed in once in a park with lots and lots of people walking in and around the van while I am kissing does this remind you of any one in particular that I am referring to hmmmmm..... laughs evil laughter that sure was fun

Hey! You're me! I'm not into school spirit and I
cannot play sports. I'm on the Deans List, but
I'm not one of the top students at my school.
I have a couple friends, but I'm kind of
strange. I'm into vegetarianism and Earth
crap. I swear off and on, but despise the f-
word. I can be shy, or outgoing. I'm a pretty
cynical person and would love to punch a lot of
people in the mouth. I like this one guy, but
we're just good acquaintances. I say crap a
lot.


Who are you at my school?
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Rachel Greene! Admit it, You love to look your
best! But over the years, you've developed a
great maturity and independence. You've also
been in crazy romances! Right now you're a
mother and you are growing even more
responsible. You've come a long way from
Daddy's little girl!


Which "Friend" character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Young. Really young. I'd say anywhere from 15-35.
But you'll go out with a bang. You'll get in a
car accident or be shot. You'll never have to
see yourself get old. Sad though. Really sad.
By the way, its common knowledge that more
people with great goals and aspirations die
young. And if you want to die old, you'll die
young and vice versa.


At what age will you die?
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Sig Sauer P226. Greatest gun ever! Feel special.
Beautiful and reliable but can still scare the
living bejesus outta anyone.


What handgun are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hey I feel like a Quizilla day so there...

Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks
about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty,
right?


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

This doesnt suprise me much whatsoever. Grins hell I like it even so true so true...


ICE is your chinese symbol!


What Chinese Symbol Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

What rating is your journal?
brought to you by Quizilla

No Big Thing

It wasn't a really big thing

it wasn't something grand

It didn't have trumpet calls

and it didn't earn grandstands

It wasn't blared on the TV screens

and it wasn't written in the sky

I didn't hear it on the radio

nor did I read it in some ad flown by

Yet somehow without any heraldry

no gala shouts or yells

I saw it simply wash over me

like the clear pealing of gold bells

It moved like soft butterflies

on the song of a virgin dove

It didn't need engraved mentioning

it was just your perfect love.

Aura's Rapture



Calling

through the soft breeze

they're calling

in voices so light

they're calling

Pleasures

dreaming of eternal pleasure

like footprints gently

measured



Through the time

Why can't you see the time?

Hold your time

How do you mend your time?



Flying

over clouds of prayers

you're flying

through sun arms you're

soaring

Bursting

above the stars and god

you're bursting

with love and life

transversing



Hold your love

but always give your love

Share the love

The time is now to share your love

This is my version of love:



I am the world without you
I am lifeless and dead
Utterly drained of life and void
Crushed and useless
You breathe life into me
LIttle by little
Inch by inch
stone after stone
Your brake my shell
Take away my scars
leaving me stripped
and naked
Exposed to the world
My insides exposed
In glorious form
with the tempest
and raging ramparts
I long for you
with no suicidal conclusion
sure, fast, and swift
Branding no Illusion
OR false admenities
I am simply whole
Complete
In its most Angelic form
I am heaven bound
Stripped of my wings
And wearing only my heart
Drawn to your heavenly eyes
Secure in the knowledge
That you love me to
We are one and the same
Suffering the same fate
Without each other
Made less and unhappy
With each other
Our fates are sealed
Bringing destiney to its fullest
Glory and honor bound
We travel to the unknown
I do not fear
Knowing that you
are by my side
Chasing those rainbows
And I will walk
to another sunset
Happy and complete

There are times when I am completely happy when someone can admit being completely and uttterly stupid and this is one of those time. He who will remain nameless admitted his fault completely and appologized for being wrong. I say damm awesome in my book. You know who you are and I am glad that you can see the fault in your ways. I love you completely. Grins stupid doopey grin on myface right now its not even funny. I am just happy someone on the damm planet gets where I am coming from and doesnt think I am a freak. Well maybe a freak in training but thats besides the point. I am getting married in August or maybe hell in January but I think its in August which is the date he and I discussed today for his benefit. Laughs yeah right probally so that I can get some therapy so that I do not go postal on the world from lack of sex. Grins he he he I am evil (evil laughter and snickers all the way to the altar) I know that this is the one and only person who completely my life and can help me be a better person. Hell I think I need to be a better person and learn to tolerate others more. I am so tired and happy at the same time its not funny. Strange how a few little words of I love you pick up your spirits every damm time. Thanks a bunch CASSIE

I am physically feeling like crap my throat which burns right now is like razor blades again and I will have to coat my throat with a throat spray and numb it. Too bad it doesn't have alcolhol in it?!!! Wishful thinking on my part to say the least. I am going to get my lazy butt to exercise which I haven't done in awhile cause I have been sleeping and not getting my butt out of bed like I should. But a body does need rest which I guess I really did need. I will post more later when I have something nice and encouraging to say hell that is probally never! Did I mention that I lost 2lbs being sick yeaaaaaaahhhhh for me!?!!!! I am well into my way to losing those prescious 27 lbs. HE HE HE (evil snicker). Hey Sandman can you send me via the internet some of your old pics? I was planning on a bio of my friends online which I still have that in the works which is due out next month!!!! What the hell happened to Sims? Hmmm must be lost in another girl lol. Well I am out of here time is awasting away. Love you all Good day.....

Camera



There's a space in your mind

that calls in its time

a place that is holding

the magic

A home in your head

where the colors are fed

and the song is dancing

on air

There's a voice that evolves

as it slowly revolves

in circles that are measured

in breaths

Like a spiral of dreams

so many pictures it seems

so many choices to make

and redeem

It's one of those days where you need a Sophie B. Hawkins day to brighten a alread cheery day with a nice little ballad from hers truly. She has been one of my all time favorite Cd's that keeps getting stolen from me cause she is just that damm good. Although I am jamming right now to Lillix which is a truly awesome band of all femmes which is a really cool album so to speak. I am still have my little crush on yours truly David Draimen which is no small feat but hey at least the guitar players in the band are really hot. There is something about blue hair and a sexy smile that really turns me on. Besides being bald and singing isn't all that's it crack up to be try playing a guitar and singing which is really talented. Did I mentin that I like guys that wear leather?! Leather in bondage way is pretty cool when they are all tied up like in the video to NIN (closer) where Trent Reznor looks ooooh so sexy strapped up and decked out in all black. Hell any man that wears that long hair and a killer smile gets my goat any time. DId I mention my fetish for men in skirts? Not really skirts but Kilts are to me a major turn on and will get me to looking any day. They always catch my eye and I am always wondering what the hell is under that Kilt. Plus you get to see some nice and sexy legs in a dress of plaid my favorite colors black, blue, and green. Aways a nice combination to say the least. I remember having a punk rocker boyfriend nicknamed Flynn who was a gorgeous man and with the deepest intense colored eyes on the planet. His stare could melt even the coldest Ice Princess. He had this incredible animal magnetism that I found simply irresistible and kissing him was like heaven on earth.... He had this Burgundy mohawk that only added to his rugged appearance and a nice leather jacket with safety pins everywhere. I remember he pierced my nose one time and I was like in heaven. IT hurt like hell but I took my lumps like a good soldier would with no flinching and no tearing up of the eyes. ANd if my skin betrayed me its was through no fault of my own because Cassandra turned an even pale shade of white if that is at all possible... He taught me that girls like me are better than most and that I am extremely beatiful. I learned to kiss from him and how it is really sensual when you lick someone's eyeball. Sounds disgusting I know but how he discribes it and does it to you with a piercing through his lip was absolutely the most sensual thing to have happen to me at the time. Thanks Grant Gilespie I hope that you are with your Wife and mother of your child today. Hopefully things turned out the way you wanted them to and all that jazz. What brought on a memory of him was listening to Slayer where you can here this girl screaming in the background. I can remember a cool camping adventure with him. Getting drunk off Jagermeifter and kissing under the stars. I guess all of my truly wonderful experiences have been camping where I am in nature. The most wonderful place on earth where time stands still and the world if you listen closely is humming with life. I don't need any sexual action just the act of talking and absorbing with my friends truly makes me happy. I can remember a nice adventure where my heroic friend Sandman saved me from a dragon or two while getting attacked by evil minions....grins those are happy times and well worth whatever momentary loss of funds that occurred. I will never forget absorbing all the art work of Sandman's little cave and sweating my brains out in Jey's room while cuddling his body pillow that I fell asleep to every night... Getting lost in a sea of track apartments that all look the same and walking to someone else's apartment (ooppsie) before finally being brave enough to venture to another door and trying the lock.... Am I embarrased hell no cause it was my fault in the first place for wanting a midnight walk to make me sleepy which all it did was increase my anxiety of a strange place... Well enough of memory lane my favorite memory of Utah by far is BYU and walking around the campus discovering again the meaning of the universe? Being attacked by huge Dinosaurs that are held behind glass doors reminding me of Jurassic Park... Getting sick from all the kittens that dwell there in there own little habitat that I was invading by exploring well after the permitted time. Thats the great thing about Utah there are so many happy people you almost get sick from sugar shock of it all. There is no one to cuss at you for cutting someone off unless they are an outsider like me. Everyone is really friendly and talkative and it was strange talking to people I do not know and getting to know them. I made a friend at a cross walk who we stood for 20 minutes talking about Rock Climbing and the neat pictures you can take while climbing. I do believe his name was Joshua but I could have been mistaken...He was prett friendly in a nice way not trying to flirt but just to be friendly and polite. Reminded me of my friend Blaine who is amazing along with his wife Sherry who is friendly and beautiful.... Glad to have meet you all including the rug rats that make up your family.... This is Cassandra remembering her past present and future... Christina Aguilera sums it up in her song Too Beautiful for Words.....Goodnight....Muah much love.....

Dear Jey and Ari,

I wanted to appologize for giving any hurt and mental anguish with my comments on Child Molestation and Rape. Although this is something I feel quite strongly and passiontely about in no way justifies my actions towards you. I should as your friend have accepted something that I personally do not agree with at all. Your right it is your business to do whatever you want with the girl of your choice which is Ari. I may find it disgusting and revolting but you are doing it because you love her and that is fine and dandy with you. I can't personally understand why you would do this but I know that you love her. I have thought about this over and over in my head (cried about it) because I can't understand and I can't put myself in your shoes. When I first found out about it with Ari told me she was seventeen I was still quite disgusted but I thought hell she is almost 18 why put up such a fuss. Maybe I misunderstood the whole talk because Ari and I were crying so much that day because of the whole situation. I can't even tell you how much anger and resentment I have towards people that do this its not funny. I find it hard to hold a grudge against you even though I know in my heart you are wrong! You are rebellious enough to take love where ever it maybe found even though it is with a young mature teenager like Ari. I never was attacking her personally just her age and the situation which I personally do not agree with. I do love you Ari at times I find that you act exactly your age which is understandable with the amount of shit you have to deal with on a daily bases. I like you Ari more than words can say but I find that you do alot of guilt tripping which I do not like in the slightest... Maybe one day you can understand my point of view and maybe I can understand your point of view and this world would be a better place to live in. I hope that you two can forgive my callous words and like always go on with your lives. I am not asking to be you to respond just to read and understand maybe a little of my point of view and think about what are the consequenses of your actions. I wish the both of you the best of luck in all that you do and with the future hopefully you two together living happily collecting comics or whatever geeks really do like staring at the blinking skin of a greenish blue pixel screen of your computer... with that little quirky note I am outta here bye and much love Cassandra.....

You are Peace.

You are at peace with your self and the world
around you. You have balance in your life and
exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
People are constantly asking you "what is
your secret?"


What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Early morning Erotism sleepy Cassandra at her wicked best muah

I sit here thinking of you
I close my eyes
Thoughts run wild of you and I
Together naked in my room
Picturing you next to my body
Touching and embracing
Is all I want to do
Let me make love to you
Worship your body
As it was meant to
I run my hands over your body
Slowly at first
Getting lost in the sensation
Passion ignites within me
Watching you watching me
Touching you all over
You let me lead
Waiting for you turn
I know you want me
I can see it in your eyes
We play these games
Who will lose control first
Getting lost in your touch
Feeling your caress me
As your hands touch my breasts
Stroking my nipples
Bringing me closer to heaven
In your touch I am lost
You show me love with actions
Making me feel beautiful
My body feels hot to the touch
As we lay on my bed
Lighted candles smelling of incense
Vanilla, jasmine, and lilac
The musky scent of you tantalyzes me
Sending her senses spiraling out of control
As your fingers move lowers towards my navel
As you kiss me deeply
Your tongue darting in and out
My hungry lips closing on your tongue
Sucking tasting your watery nectar
Hungry for more of your taste
Longing to feel your body enter me
We continue the torture of foreplay
A wonderful game of exploring our treasures
As your fingers dips into my secret spot
You find me wet and tight
As you continue to dip your fingers deeper
You know what you are doing to me
I moan out in pleasure as only you can do
Breatheless and with heavy moaning I call your name
As you send me spiraling with pleasure
You bestow to me a butterfly kiss
Licking your way to my very core of woman hood
You position yourself over me
As I look into your eyes
Wrapping my legs around your waist
Feeling the pressure of your shaft
At my enter waiting to go in
I look into your eyes
Longing for release and your pleasure
Of seeing you climax from my touch
You enter me then forcing your way through
Sretching stretching as my body adjusts to fit yours
Pleasure pure mindless pleasure flows through me
As the old rythem of love making progresses
Thrusting harder and harder as you near your climax
My body tingles nearing my own
I breathe in your scent from your body
I whisper I love you
As the climax takes over us
This is how I dream of you and I


For all of you out there that don't like it stay the fuck off my blog and stop wasting my counters on your worthless ass. And you know who you are that read my blog late at night and do not even have the decency to post some messages. Thank you and have a very nice day. If you bother to read my blog you might as well post a comment or two to boot.... Goonight I am off to bed....

my thoughts are as follows

Twisted little bird come here
round and round you go
down the polluted sky
melting the feathers to your skin
pain retched and fierce
panic of a lost life
panic of what could have been
You seek comfort in anyone
Really seeking a way to escape
Do you think?
Can you see?
What's wrong with you
Get up and fight
Twisted pathetic little bird
How I loathe you!

now something light and airy

I dream of you
sometimes without meaning
But you are there
waiting for me
when I close my eyes
you caress me
wake up my senses
drown me in ectasy
you awake me with a kiss
a simple kiss
two lips touching
sparks that fly
each breathe comes alive
magically by your touch
desire enfused by your embrace
I am humbled by you
the beauty and your passion
you infuse me with love
your strength immense
soft gentle touches you give
leave me breatheless
wanting more and more
holding me softly
like a precious flower
you awaken my passions
kindling my fire
I want you
simply
honestly

Well another day wasted in my bed sleeping for 9 hours of sleep not wanting to be woke up. But sleep I must if I am going to get well I am currently watching The truth about cats and dogs. Who doesn't love a Janeane Garofalo movie huh? She is one of my favorite actors in the whole wide world. The flick is a humor filled comedy about just being yourself no matter what and that looks don't matter. okay for Hollywood movie theatres to think that but in real life the smart girls are always a tad bit uglier than the pretty ones who are dumber than door nobs. Although this is not always the case which there are always people who are going to stand up and say I am pretty and smart all the same time. But then there are nerds out there who always get picked on and hurt but where are there super hero to help them. I can tell you no where cause that doesnt even fucking exist in this world. Life is unfair and we have just learned to turn our eyes on the face of justice and learned to deal with it. Not that I am saying that we should just that its happens and we have gotten use to it. My theory is that we should fight for justice no matter the cost whether person or not. I have always followed this line of thinking which has gotten me into much discussion as of late and trouble no doubt. I have lost a few friends because of it through no fault of my own. Because of either stupidity on there part or because of willfullness to break the law either case there loss I say.

Did I mention that bets are cool and awesome. Although this one I just made will currently pay off if I lose 27 lbs in 4 months which isa hell of a long time and I have a plan. I am a women on mission and I have a purpose of seeing my (coughs) strip down to nothing if I lose the weight. Also ladies and gentlemen he is going to do a lap dance for me fully clothed of course which is damm cool. I probally will not make him do this but hell the offer was well worth the motivation to lose down to my ideal weight. Hell its like prime time right now cause I know what I will get if I reach my goal and there are so many outlets right now I can choice from its unreal. Laughs does he really know what the hell he has gotten himself into. Grins its like a free show of Full Monty but I have my own showing and not in front of several hundred women. Yeeeee Haw we are in business. I weighed myself today and I am 1 lb lighter wink so I a well on my weigh and I will post my results weekly so that you can keep a tab on it a but I know that you are interested in seeing for yourself. So I am totally into being fair about this so I am going to lose 30 instead to make it fair and then I will know there can be no mistake.... If you haven't seen Full Monty I suggest you go rent it if you like british comedy but it is for straight women or if you are bi then go rent it. It has some pretty funny parts in it and is well worth the $3 it takes to rent it. May I suggest for the ultra sexy movie with Assasins is Boondock Saints which is a seriously funny show that my dear friend Sandman reintroduced me to because I couldn't remember the title of the show. As always Sands stay frosty.....><.......

Now this hot band of chicks called Lillix is pretty damm cool I was listening to there music last night and digging on there sound. Not bad for there first album and I suspect that they will turn out a better album next time since they had to rush this one out so fast. SO look out boys and girls there is 4 beautiful and talented femmes out on the prowl. Looking for a crowd to turn up and cut loose with. Grins I do love all chick bands they rule...

Wink there you go is my suggestion to you Sands or Jey if you are so interested? Hell maybe not you might not like but I definetly recommend....

Well I am out of here need to go to sleep eventually I have a 7 1/2 mile walk to perform today so that my losing streak continues and hell who knows he might not be the only one performing a little Full Monty. lol.

Well Love you all goodnight Muah! I am outta here............ @-------,--------`----------,----------

Did I mention that I have a beautiful little brown eyed girl named Cassandra who is so wonderfully intelligent its not funny. She prances around the house singing and dancing which in itself is a hyper state of joy. She laughs and giggles and tries to chase down her brother who is stealing her candy and laughing as he races down the hall way. Cracks me up the games that they play and then they will just hold and kiss each other so lovingly. Yeah very sweet but then they will fight over a toy and the perfect little world is shattered as Zachery's lungs hit a high pitched scream that pierces my ear drums and sends me into a frenzy of pulse related stress. I think I am bleeding from my eyes, nose, and ears as his scream permeantly damages my eardrums... Ahh mother hood meant for some and for others definetly not.... Thank Heavens its only for those who are truelly needing to be humbled and blessed in the same breathe... I read my bible last night about Sampson and Delilah which was awesome cause I got into a discussion with ANtionette who likes the scriptures just as much as I do. She let me borrow a bible cause I couldn't seem to find mine of late somewhere in my house I put it up and only heaven knows where it is.

I talked to Sandman last night but my phone kepted cutting in and out. But we talked about his mother who is going to the hospital for a bad nose bleeding that will not stop. I know that he was worried cause I could feel it and it was good to talk to him. He has a nice soothing voice when he is very tired. I just hope that it is not something serious for his mother so that he doesn't worry his wheezy little head. Hugs kisses your way bud. I wish there was a way to make you feel better but there isn't any at all. I think I will send you some nice poems or something inspirational that will put you in a better mood. I am hoping that your litte someone knows how special you are and that you get up the nerve to ask her. Wink wink. Hurry the fuck up already.... Grins you know I will be after you for you to ask right. Well I hope things work out and as always I will be praying for happy thoughts and deeds for you.

I have been talking with my mother which in itself is a good thing because we rarely talk enough. BUt it was nice to have a decent conversation. She agrees with me about Jey and Ari which I find refreshing cause I know what my mother is a severe activists when it comes to child molesters. She tolerates them less than I do and will beat the ever living crap out of them. Laughs my viscious little mother. My mother has been seen in the newspapers picketing signs and stuff in front of child molesters homes to raise awareness and get community support. Every single one that was found in the area of children had to move which I am exptremely proud of. My mother was a victum of rape and incest at a young age which has made her the strong person she is today. I couldn't be prouder of a well rounded and extrememly proud mother. She is the inspriation that I have when I want to be a better person cause I know that she has been through a lot. She doesn't hide behind false pretenses or says something she doesn't mean she is pretty straight forward. Heaven help you if you piss her off cause she is a relentless bitch. Laughs yup that is my special mother who loves me no matter what which takes a hell of a lot. I give you some propsmom I love you a lot and I hope that you are reading this. Yea MOM!!!! She has been helping people deal with rape and abuse for a long time her and Mona. Now Mona my grandmother is a severe activist because she absolutely hates child molesters. You mention the word and she goes quite nuts because her children and herself have been victims themselves. Never ever piss that women off you are liable to end up in the hospital. Grins Aren't family grand...

I am finishing my Sandman story slowly but surely which is pretty cool because it is about Sandman himself or my version of Sands. Sorry my wheezy little bud but you get more action in my story then you do in real life. But you know I am hoping for you of course.... HE HE HE. (evil little snicker) Well I am out of here got to go to a PTA meeting I am getting this MOM thing down pat. Well I am tired from work and need to go take a shower and get some sleep. Hugs kisses to you all.... Cassie

On your hands

So small and gentle from summer joy just beginning

Innocence is what is found

Innocence unmarked by scars of maturity

Innocence with no callous

No nicks or cuts

Soften by youth

Untouched by life’s harsher trails



There’s a hand smaller then mine

Join together by the blood inside us

Both united by fate and given to each other by god

Blessed in our own individual rolls

Promises made and guidelines inspired by heaven

And in these hands of mine you will always find my love for you

Did I mention love the most exquisite kind that moves and rocks your world. Grins these are the poems I get for just being my everyday self. Thanks a lot my love its worth it to know that you love me like I love you! Wow heaven is a place on earth for two lovers like you and me! Wow I am amazed daily by your simple act of being you. Why is it fate for you to make me so happy just by simply breathing. I am made whole and wonderful just by knowing that you love me completly. Thanks for giving me advice and seeing me through all those wonderfully tearful moments of happiness and release. I love you forever and a day....Cassandra

I feel my tears as I let go of my world

Flowing down my face as I step into yours

Tears of fear tracing down to the unknown

Tears of anticipation streaming for release

Tears of need for real salvation

Tears of eagerness’ turning into droplets

As I feel the droplets racing to the ground

Racing one against each other

Pursuing that needless thrill

Excited to be off and fearing to be done

Always going and never really leaving

Droplets of a beginning with a new sunrise

Droplets of a joy with a new found love

Droplets of a journey with you in my sight

Droplets of a merging with your body and mine

I feel your lips as they slowly kiss my tears away

Knowing that each one tear brings you closer to me

Taking each drop by the tongue and making each moment passionate

Feeling your strength and taken in your glory

Shivering between each breathless motion

Fully realizing your tears of ecstasy

Tears of waiting for this moment

Tears of venturing deep into each other soul

Tears of lust as we share each other’s air

Tears of joy as you send me into climax

Feeling me release myself inside your body

Knowing that I’ll want more with each droplet

Droplets of a lover turning on her mate

Droplets of a woman arousing desires in her lover

Droplets of a companion wanting for his best

Droplets of a tongue hovering over your secret spot

Tasting every salt flavor of your body

Yearning for more of your liquid refreshment

Aching for you to take me in that same manner

Knowing that I won’t be disappointed

For my tears are gone and my droplets are dry

All swepped away by your love

As you lay there quietly dreaming of something sweet

I think about what you might look like if I was there

Watching and waiting for you to awake

Reminisce on the night we’ve spent

Fading into a ethereal of possibilities

Conjuring my desires into a elixir

Drink deeply for that trance of the sleepwalker

Venturing and change to something of yours’

Dreaming of being that sheet you love to through up

Letting it drift slowly on to your body with glee of a restful sleep

Picturing that airborne state with the feeling of weightlessness

Floating just above your skin just barely out of reach

Coming down with only your body to halt my descend

Covering you from head to toe embracing the air around your body

Fitting into every little opening with no hint of unfamiliarity

Outlining the features of your well developed femininity

Slowly tracing from your ankles up your calf as your sheet

Moving pass your thighs by following your deadly curves

Running my corner tips through your hair with no fear of waking you

Enjoying you tummy with each sinking motion and rise

Admiring the way your head rest easily on your pillow

Tracking your tide like breaths with each roll like rise of your chest

Reverted to your pinkish lips and pondering on the smoothness of your skin

Imagine your imprint against my body but not willing to disturb your peaceful state

So I let you lay and thank God for this moment

Quiet you lay with only tomorrow to greet you

I think about what you might look like if I was there

Dedicated to Sandman aka Sands aka my wheezy little friend, Smiles I am sorry that you are having such a hard time up there right now which I can do nothing as your friend but give you nice words and encouragement. I can only hope that you are doing better and nothing happens to your mother which would make you sad and very unhappy. But do try to vent your frustrations with your painting its neat to see whatever new stuff you come up with in your works. And I hope to one day see your book printed and published. I started writing a story about you which I will send you the link to in the blog setting. I will start more of it when I have more time but I am working so much lately that writing a story about you is very difficult when you are completely tired. But my dear its have its first three paragraphs which isn't much but has a nice intro. I am going to buy a couple of note books to start writing when I am at work so that I can transfer the notes to here in the blog setting. Hopefully I will have a cool story that you can live with and like. But at least I have started with something small and writing about it. I still hear in my dreams your wonderful breathing machine I can almost hear and smell that medicine smell when I concentrate real hard which is kind of pathetic if you think about it... Laughs I guess I miss my wheezy little peace making friend. Slay any dragons my brave knight or save any damsels in distress (wink wink).

Now for my oooh so sexy bald guy nope not talking about Sandman but I am talking about David Draiman from Distrubed who sings the most thought provoking lyrics. I can't really pinpoint my favorites cause I like all of there songs but if I had to narrow it down to the top five here is my list. Remembrance, Insane, Down with the sickness, Prayer, & Stupify. Grins I guess I have a thing for people bald and pierced guess its the freak in me or the once Goth turned MOM... But man he is sure hot andI can't stop thinking about his songs and thing hey that would be cool to do some serious sexual things or just making out. Can you imagine matching hip to hip or thrust to thrust with there beat???? Guess I am the only one who thinks of these things? Laughs why do I even bother sex only distracts from the other purpose which is getting to know a person. I must wait till its January some time any ways laughs. Wow the date seems so far away now that I think about it. hell it feels like an eternity to me but I guess that's what happens when you finally pick a date....

Now for Lesbians who actually have since and are talented unlike someoe I know....T.A.T.U. an awesome group with awesome lyrics. And I have painstakingly translated with a dictionary there lyrics because I was interested in what the hell they were saying. grins well it wasn't good if you are religious in any way but for the perverts out there its really really cool. Enough said on that matter. Now my favorites out of them are currently are thus follows: I went crazy, Imperfect girl, How soon is now, Show me love, and many more that is too much space to give up for them. But I seriously recommend them. Laughs thanks Sandman for getting them stuck in my head which is what you did and I know you did it. Laughs I hope that you rot in hell for it. Nah just kidding but thanks any ways cause I was seriously tryng to figure out who song the songs I liked so much since I am not a huge fan of TV but I couldn't ever get the band name out of my friends out here. DID I mention that I am moving out there probally in 4 years or less? Well thats the plan I think anyways? Or let me check with my significant other which everyone and there dog has been trying to weazel out of me since I started talking about it.

As for you deleting me out of your lives I quit talking to you in the first place. Laughs as if you took me from your lives I laugh and scuff at you in the first place. I am not the one who kepted IMing you after the comments. The facts state you my dear Ari kepted IMing me like crazy wondering who I was getting married to in the first place. I didn't start the conversation with you not once nor did I bother to sink to your level of maturity. Go ahead and do whatever you will I do not care but I am staying as far away from the firing squad as possible. Stop reading my blog and just plain go away if you want to know the truth. I didn't start talking to you in the first place you started talking to me. SO please leave me alone and stop writing about me in your blog or mine if you would kindly do so I would appreciate no more slander to my person....

Thanks a bunch Have a nice day....Cassandra

I feel better today than I have in a long while. Smiles talking to my children and the ones I love just puts a smile on my face. I need there love and there company to make me whole. I am saved by them because they love me and I am so happy to be there for them. Grins life is great when you get past stupid friends and there idiot ways. Try to justify stuff because you are in love doesn't matter Jason its just plain wrong.

Ari, I can't seem to understand at all. You call me names in your blog like I am immature or something! yeah right I am not jealous of you not at all. I wouldn't want to be young and inexperienced like I was back then. hell I do not even want to repeat that experience ever.... I am not jealous of you and Jey its contrary to popular belief I know its wrong for a 27 year old to be dating a 15 year old which ever the case maybe. So don't tell me I do not understand because you my dear are a child still. No matter how mature you think you are your still have growing to do. Although you have substained yourself thus far but you need some serious counseling and help with you and your family. yes I love you more than you know because you remind me of me. But my dear please seek help for the voices in your head and I will continue to be your friend as I have always been. I already told you of my grievances and why I was angry for being mislead in the first place.... I thought quite frankly that you were 17 almost 18 which is still horribly bad but since you were almost an adult quite understandable. Although my love for Jey is still there and always will be I can condone his actions toward you in any way. You know the reason's why and why I feel so strongly. Love doesn't justify wrong actions when you know both of you that it is wrong. Although I hope and pray for a positive outcome I can only see heart ache and trouble for you both. I wish you the best but in my heart I know its wrong and so does most of the world out there would agree with me. You guys are forever my friend but I can't stand by and watch when I am obligated to report child abuse which is what he is doing to you. SO I am getting out of the picture permanetly so whatever happens will be fate and not by my hand.... Which is the only loyalty I can show to you both and show how much I do love you both but I must step out of your lives forever.....Cassandra

My head hurts today its like a thousand hammers have been painfully pounded into my head without any aspirin and I can't seem to shake this negative feeling that I am carrying. I am so distraught right now its not funny. Too many things are happening right now and I have no control over. Point blank I wish I was dead too much shit to deal with and all and all I really do not care. I am dammed if I do dammed if I don't and going to pay the price for it any ways in the end. So what should I do what for the cops to take away my Nursing Licience which they are going to do anyways. I know I crime that I didn't turn in and its a felony offense to do nothing about it when you are duty bound to report it. I am so fucked its not funny. Loyalty what the hell is that?! Huh does it get me any where hell no. It lands me 20 years in jail thats what it does to me. Friendship whats that! An idiots notion to bind yourself to a person who is wrong more than he knows........ Enough said I already know what I need to do now I just need the courage to do it!!!! Talk to you peeps later Cassie

Angel of Mercy.


What kind of Angel are you?
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The Lost Soul


What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
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May Dreams Ensue

For tenderness I dream, my sweet,
Oh how I long for us to meet,
Beneath the lovely moonlit sky,
That falls from Luna's dreaming eye,
And then, with nature only there,
To strip thy clothes and make thee bare,
Then take thee in a strong embrace,
And lay my kisses on thy face...

My hands will light upon thy flesh,
And lightly over it caress,
To feel thy warmth when wind is chill,
It sends me shivers, quivers, thrills,
I'd kiss you softly on your lips,
Well soft my hands caress thy hips,
And pull thee closer, nearer still,
Our fires combined do beat the chill...

With each caress I feel the heat,
Grow greater, stronger, no retreat,
And then I break away from this,
Thy wondrous, glorious, holy kiss,
And slowly then I kiss thy form,
That in the chill burns ever warm,
Thy neck, thy ear, thy shoulder sweet,
My tongue does thus your body meet...

With gently swirls it dances round,
Enraptured at the taste its found,
Thy lovely salt that from thy skin,
Emits when pleasure does begin,
And still my hands do you explore,
For pleasure do they you implore,
To feel, for all I wish to do,
Is know that I am pleasing you...

I cup thy breast within my hand,
And softly gently, do command,
That this soft and lovely orb,
Will soon with pleasure be absorbed,
My tongue upon it then does play,
With gentle kneading like soft clay,
I hear thy gasp, and do return,
The sound that makes me for thee yearn...

Then lower still I deem to slide,
With all my care and knightly pride,
Until your warmth and wetness meet,
My tongue does taste your nectar sweet,
And as it presses to your spot,
To taste thy liquid, salty, hot,
Your legs do quiver, then give way,
So to the ground we slip and lay...

And though you moan and writhe about,
Thy cries almost a muffled shout,
I do not stop my flicking dance,
Nor will I, till I have the chance,
To see thee pleased, thy body brought,
To orgasm, so purely wrought,
Not till those shudders do subside,
Will my hardness be inside...

Then when you yet again are ready,
I climb atop thee, slow and steady,
My hardness pressed against thy dew,
Pulsing anticipation, too,
And torturously slow I slip,
As all about I feel you grip,
Then thrust inside with passion great,
Our grand desire soon to sate...

We love for hours, hours more,
Right there upon the earthen floor,
Our bodies dance, our spirits climb,
Our passions mingle, intertwine,
Until in one great climbing rush,
Amidst the grass and trees and brush,
Together to the peak we come,
Our hearts do beat as fiercest drum...

And that was when with morn I woke,
The dream, my passion's fire did stoke,
And makes me want thee all the more,
To love you, taste you, and explore,
The depths of every passion felt,
And every pleasure to be dealt,
Perhaps one day we'll make it true,
Till then, may many dreams ensue.

this is my way to live

What about yours?

made by rav-chan

Grins I like that sort of thing me bing the poem. Fits quite nicely with my other poems of late. Grins

My throat hurts like hell feels like a thousand little razor blades have been swallowed down my throat. My throat feels red and swollen and it hurts like hell to talk and when I do its sounds really scratchy and gravelly. Ahh the life of a saint is so hard (laughs) chokes a little (cries) and does my best mafia hit man impression. (grins) Ahh well things are looking up right now when I am trying very hard not to be a too sick and tired but that is not going to happen. I agreed to working for my friend Kinder so that she can spend some more time with her family. And in truth I could use the money for whatever spendng or shopping I want to do. Also I need to pay for Cassandra's trip to Utah and that will cost some money. Hopefully she has more fun than she does going to Magic Mountain today. Zachery and Cassandra both are going to go there till Sunday hell its a two day weekend for me with no kids wwwwwwooooooooooooooooo hhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooo........ But unfortunately I am going to be working so that it is not all fun for me. Oh well I kicked ass at work last night with Shunte and me working together be got done pretty fast which is not unusual for us. Not that I do not mind in the slightest where that is concerned. It is easier to do the job when you are working together than it is when you are working alone. We got done pretty early and it was some kick back time. Did I mention that we started 4:30 in the morning poor residents they get no sleep at all. I almost feel sorry for them but we have to start at some time and when one of our own leaves earlier than expected than we have to start even earlier to get all of our peeps up. Man right now I am so tired I think I will go take a nice long hot shower and just relax for awhile. I need the time to just marinate in some nice cocunut bubble bath or maybe some sun ripened raspberry. Sheeesh I need another vacation. But soon soon enough I will be hanging out with the one I love again........Grins..........Happy............Overjoyed.........goodnight..................muah........love........you..........all................>

Is it me or was Hannibal lector one of the most sexiest guys on the plaent. Hell I think its was all the bondage girl he was sporting and his highly intelligent conversations when he was allowed to talk. Give the guy props for having a pension of pissing people off. Thats a plus in my book. Did I mention that he is bald and has these piercing eyes that make your heart beat faster. Eyes have always been my thing that and teeth but a really nice pear of eyes or maybe even one with an eye patch can get my heart to racing pretty damm fast these days.I think its the intensity of a person's personality that you can see coming through cause I am usually awestruck. Take David Daimen in one of his videos called down with the sickness where he came out with a Hannibal Lector style outfit and Cassie is just sitting there going hell that looks damm good. First of all I watched Silence of the Lambs every night when I was in Highschool before I went to bed. SO I got my healthy dose of GothicPunk every night. Not only fueled my independce streak it make for dating any guy kind of hard cause hell who compares to Hannbal. Not only that he makes eating you out literally a highly dangerous and erotic experience. It would literally be once in a lifetime experience that you wouldn't never forget. Intelligence as always been a highly erotic thing for me. Without it a guy is just a pretty coat of nothing without any brains behind the package its pretty damm useless. Well thats my thought of the day and Barbara bring on all the damm bondage stuff you can find. I am thinking of some damm naughty ass thoughts and my virgin/whore complex hell who needs it grins. Inside joke wink Sandman......Love you all lots muah...................................goodnight..............

What is love but a question of the heart which beats in time with yours. I have no doubts where my heart lies and what is truth and what is wrong?! Why doubt myself when I know I am right!!!! I dream of you when I fall asleep. I close my eyes to the heavens and picture your face and I am happy forever. Things in my heart are happy and I sing to the sky for all things warm and fuzzy. This is Cassandra being quite silly but I had t say something?!

Knock Knock



Do you see this?

Can you hold this?

Is this something that has captured

your heart?

Are you crying?

Or just wishing?

I can't tell because your shadows

do not part



Are you lonely?

Are you hurting?

When the moon calls out do you

run for fear?

I am hoping

As you're hiding

Wanting just to keep you safe

and very near.



But if this moment has no passion

If you can only fly and cry

If you don't even no the reason

Yet wondering why

Just wondering why



Now it's morning

The world is waking

Sunlight drips into your life

like gilded rain

But you don't see

You hide all mem'ry

And your heart is torn with stones

that cut your pain

To touch or not to touch that is your question!?

I've thought of your words

As I find myself thinking of your lips

Tasting your spit and thinking of your hips

To touch or not to touch that is your question!?

I've dwelled on your proposal

Imagining your body on top of mine

Pondering on the image of your face close to mine

As your hand traces down my chest

To touch or not to touch that is your question!?

I've fantasized on each request you whisper in my ear

Craving underneath your control for release

Still you press my hands back as you lean in deeper

To touch or not to touch that is your question!?

I've linger on the flashes of your changing eyes

Feeling your hair brush against my cheek

As I ask for more of your embrace

To touch or not to touch that is your question!?

I've dreamed of your hands slowly peal away my clothes

Watching you bite down on my left nipple

Wanting to take control and still you remain dominate

To touch or not to touch that is your question!?

Yes I would love to have you touch me

But still I find that I can't let you

You've want to tease me

And so I have to reframe from acting out my fantasy

To touch or not touch that is your question!?

So with much sorry and regret

I will have to say No with a breath of doubt

Just know that I want you and desire you

And yes the question will echo in my head

To touch or not to touch

There is no sin, me thinks, in passion true,
No evil dwells within to torture you,
For passion, when it's true and honest felt,
No greater good upon a person's dealt.
Nay, the sin lies not in passion sweet,
Nor in the fires that sooth with lover's heat,
But lies instead within the dread pursuit,
Of lust that in it bears not passion's fruit.
Aye, there's the sin that haunts and tears our kind,
When lust for lust is all that you can find,
No feelings other than the want, the greed,
On which the sinful masses seek to feed.
No, God would not in all his glory make,
A feeling strong like this for us to break,
To force his loved clay to then deny,
The nature that exists in you and I.
I think instead that we corrupt His gift,
Of love and life and fire that doth lift,
Just as He gave us life and light of day,
He gave us passion, even if we stray.
No other way is there that I can feel,
I know that in my heart it must be real,
For no love so strong as this can be,
The product of an evil sin to me,
And if it is then I resign my fate,
To burn in Hell with those who kill and hate.

Looks out into the deep dark hearts of man and finds them pathetically wanting something more than there little hearts really need. Yeah whatever man laughs. I have been listening to disturbed for the last three days and there lyrics have gotten me hooked more and more. I think its DAVID DRAIMEN forgive me if it is spelled wrong but they have some many corrections on his name that even I don't know which one is correct. Guess I will have to buy the CD and see for myself. By the way the music is diffently not your typical band shit but I am seriously thanking Sandman for getting me hooked. He started humming the Lyrics when it was on the radio when it was in his CD player and now I am star struck. Not that it is no bi surprise but I have been listening to Tatu for awhile also and I am liked hooked on them also. No big surprise there really cause I have listened to them before just didn't know the band name so I can get the music. I do that often I can remember the lyrics quite clearly but never the band names. Did I mention that I am currently lusting after his body?! The lead singer from Disturbed he came out in this hannibal lecter style bondage gear and I was like ummm some one hose me down yeaaaaaaaah baby!!!!!!!!!! Is there a hotter guy on he planet I think not?! But seriously bald men are sexy as hell add a few piercings and you have a field day. I would like to take some serious camera shots of him in nothing but Black and white. And since I am an excellent photographer this should do him justice as well as give me a cheap thrill. Grins. Well I got to go to work earlier with Myna and hang out for awhile. Love you all....Including the law breakers......cassie

You ever have one of those days that all seems so right and then boom smack pow you get sick. I have a cold currently and I am not feeling up to par right now. My Cold is getting worse which I got from my son oh dear me I am in a week of hell. Not that I do not mind cause I get to hang out with my friends Antionette and Myna at work. Guess all the other peeps at work are sick to because they called in. I got to hang out with George and Misty for awhile the other day. It was great to just hang out with normal people for awhile where they do not have to argue about anything. They are so lovey dovey to each other it's sickening. But I know that they love each other truely and its great to see them get along so well. George has come a long ways from the boy he used to be and he is treating Misty with the respect she deserves. Ahh the boy can be taunt now can't he. I so miss our walks together but hey its not for long cause we got to walk and talk the other day. Awesome awesome awesome. I got to tell him about my future plans and idea's and for once he approved of what I had in mind. Grins he he he. But I must be good girl and behave for once. Sigh shucks golly gee Zonks. I had a really good time talking on the phone last night and coming up with plans for Carla's bash when she comes out. I was grinning ear to ear I can't wait fo see her real soon. Cliff and Carla will be down permeantly in September around my birthday just in time for some fun. Wow I can't believe she is moving back here so quickly I am totally siked out for the occasion. I have had this silly grin on my face for awhile when I heard about it. She shares in my happiness and joys and I feel that I can talk to her about anything. Ahh my little freak on wheels. Grins I so want to see your little girl Allaura its not funny. My little namesake. Ahh a humbling experience someone names there beautiful little girl after me. Grins I am loved so much he he he. My daughter and I hanged out the other day and she really appreciated the gifts I picked out for her from Moe and his family. It was pretty nice of them to give me money to spend on her and she was so happy it was unreal. In 3 months I will be going down there again to spend some time with them so they can see Cassie. i will be heading out to go see David and Seth some more and see what they are up to. Lisle will always be cool to hang out with. Sims can finally since the rodeo is over with teach me to rope some more. Aaaah and then there is Blaine who has a heavenly family which you can be proud of. I am so into his family its not funny and Sherry who is awesome, witty, funny, smartass, talented. All the things which are supposed to be great and striking she is. I can't get over how much Annemarie looks like her its awesome. Laughs I so want some more pictures of them and I will just have to wait a moment longer. Grins. Not too long cause I will have another vacation time coming soon and I will be heading up to St. George to hang out with some peeps down there. Grins ain't life grand. Well I am really sleepy and my head is foggy from the medicine I took grins. Ahh meds are good when you are feeling yucky. Touches skins.... laughs.... I am on fire...... roasty......toasty......little forehead.....I have a fever.....a feeling that I can't deny.........fever.....when you put your arms around me.......laughs I am so in the mood right now.....You do not even know what you have begun in me lol......laughs goodnight.............

I have nothing really to say but I am extrememly happy why because another person on this planet loves and understand me just for me being me. Who knows maybe this is the one who undeneath it all can compare to Elvis. Laughs hell maybe even in my sick twisted world everything will fall into place and I will actually get married. I have no doubts whatsoever.

And for my Friend who I love dearly, You know deep in your heart your wrong. Love her yeah but she is still a child. Underage and you can get into trouble. I have tried to look past it because you are my friend but you are a child molester if you continue on doing this. You are 27 and from what I heard she is only 15 or 16??? She is still in high school having fun with her girfriend LIZ.? Can you honestly say that society even Mormon society would approve of you messing aroud with an underage girl. If you really loved her as much as you say you do be her friend till she turns 18?! IF it is love as much as you say it is then tue love no matter how long you wait will never go away. My best advice to you is let her grow up. Be her friend then when she is of sound mind and body. Marry her, love her, and cherish her but do not mess up her head when she is still growing. Would you want some guy your age messing with your neice Lacey???? It's all about integrity and morals. Hell this is coming from me which isn't really good. But I know deep down in your heart you are unhappy. Hell we all have been at one time or another. But I know you will do the right thing and let her grow if not I my dear can't or will not speak to you ever again. You threw lots of things up in my face the whole time I was down there. I went to hang out with you as your friend do you realize that. Nothing more. I wanted my friend back. But you had to treat me weird and be very mean to me. ANd as your friend should point out that its wrong and it's disgusting. Your friends and family feel the same but they are afraid to say this.Try for the sake of all involved swallow your pride and bitterness at fate and grow up. You are not that young person any more Jey wallowing in self hate. You do not need a litle girl to make you feel complete. Love yourself have as much as the rest of your friends do?! Find the meaning within yourself to go on without another person. Then and only then will you be ready to love a person as they deserves to be loved?! I can only hope that you wake up and smell the roses. Not before someone throws you behind bars for messing with an underage girl. I hate to see you have to register as a sex offender everywhere you move?!!!! At least my friend George has a excse for his one time deviance of the law he was severly drunk. You my friend are completely sober and breaking the law and the laws under God. My friend knows what he did wrong and is paying the price for being stupid and drunk. I can only wish Jey for your sake and hers that you grow up and stop being like this. Wait till she is of age if you love her that much you will do it if not. Go away and never speak to me. We both know it is wrong and I hope that you are not so disillusioned to think it is right?! For then you are not the person who I thought you were Jey. I compare the guys I date to you Jey, Lisle, Baine for who else can compare to you three? I wish you happiness in all the world but my dear grow up please.....Love Cassie

Well I am sitting here thinking about what really makes a person and Sandman and I really hit th nail n the head. What is beauty if it is only skin deep. Why do almost everybody on the planet almost automatically look for someone who is beautiful on the outside without first wondering if she has brains or not. Who in the hell in there right mind would want someone who is extremely attractive but has no intelligence or personality. Its like owning a Barbie Doll yeah its pretty but remember its all plastic parts. Grins silicon valley is definetly not a lovely sight to see. Who wants to touch boobies that are not soft and cuddly but hard and standing just below your chin huh? Well I can understand the need or bigger breasts but hey they will only get hard eventually anyways and when you are old you might as well not look at yourself naked. I think there has to be something between the ears besides just ear wax... Besides someone being beautiful where is the personaliy. I have always been attracted to a person who is very intelligent. Its a important to me for them to have a personality regardless of there looks. Currently I am digging on the lead singer of Disturbed. Not only is he hot as hell he is smar to boot. But as all things go my obsession will only be for so long till it ends with someone else. I do believe that you should always look beyound what is skin deep to the inner person that is always lurking behind the eyes. Well eyes have always been a huge turn on for me. So many expressions are put there and eyes give off so much more than words say. I truelly believe it is the mirror to the soul. I will finish later I am very tired I will write in the morning I need to go to sleep muah Cassie

Don't get me wrong but I am so glad to be home its not funny. I felt weird and out of place staying at Jey's house. I felt like an intruder and I kepted hanging out with other people so that he didn't get stuck hanging out with me. You ever felt like someone was humoring you while you were out there. Not only that he kepted picking on me like the old days saying some really shitty comments that I didn't appreciate. Hell I have a hard time being around him knowing that he is messing around with an underage girl. I have discussed this with his other friends and they feel the same way I do but are not as vocal as I am! Why must people be disgusting I do not know. I get more and more information from Ari from different conversations and I am like grossed out. I think I need to just erase people that want to break the law out of my life completely. This is just a personal matter from past experience but hey if you are messing around with an underage girl well hell your an asshole in my book. Not that I do not still love the person I just can't see what the hell drives a person to do that when they have to know its wrong?! Hell maybe its just me and I am being too judgemental?!!! But I have already talked with several people and they agree with me. But since this is my blog I can say whatever I feel. I am sorry if other people get hurt and quite frankly I do not really care. You leave shitty ass comments because you are hurting is not really an excuse. You say you love everybody but where is the love when you feel you have to lash out at me when I am hanging out with your BF?! I hung out with other people on purpose just so that I didn't have to hang out with a person that was on the phone 24/7 with his insecure GF?! Hell maybe I am just tired and crany but I am a little pissed off. The best part of the trip was hanging out with Lisle, Blaine, and Jason. I got to hang out with Moe which was pretty awesome and I thank you for being a great friend and listening to me rank and rave and help me get out of Jey's house. I really had a great time with Janet andappreciated her humor and disgusting wit. God's I love the women and will be happy to keep her forever. You really do not know what you have there Jason. She is a great and wonderful person.

I came home to a wonderful party at Aunt Kathy's house where they was plenty of Barbque. OHHH yummy. But in truth all really wanted to do was go to bed. But they are so happy and it was great to watch my daughter swim around the pool and have lots of fun. I missed both of my kids completely and missed my everyday routine of eating cheerios with my son. Not only that I need to exercise again with my friends and have some much needed fun. Hell they understand me and I do not have to defend myself constantly (thanks jey) I felt most connected with Lisle thanks a bunch my wheezy little friend. Don't ever change you guys make the world a better place and make me think there are guys worth justifying the male population. I have an idea for a book but I need to see if I can actually have time to write it thanks to you I think I will. It will be based around your person who can see into another dimension which I thought is a good idea. Only you can see this place you are talking about but I have some idea's flowing around in my head but I think if it actually publishes that I will give you proceed's to the book if it makes it that far. But I have aspirations but hey you never know. Grins we will see if I can actually pull it off. I am going to see about going into some creative writing classes to improve my skills so that I can actually do something with my life besides being nurse. well that is pretty much it except that I am hella tired and need to go to sleep where I can be refreshed and hang out wth my kids who I love dearly. Thanks everyone for putting up with me for a week. Love you all lots Cassie...

Alright tell me if I am wrong or what? Now that I have had my first grouchy ass comment to my blogger thus far. If you do not like reading my blog I suggest you go find yourself a life and stay off the computer. No one asked you to read my blog in the first place and rarely do I speak to you. You my dear choose to speak to me on the phone and not once did I mention sex you my dear in fact had me say some stuff to Jey?! I do not understand the hostility coming from your end. I find it immature and rather demeaning from a person as smart as you pretend to be?! Here's your comment!

am i just slow or bitchy?

gods, i dont know...aybe its the hell i am in right now, or the hell i have always been in. or maybe you have done this all along and only now does it bother me. you are extreemly full of youself, and not in the healthy self-love sortta way. more in the way where you think people want to hear your dirty sex-ridden thoughs and then listen to you wine over your guilt for having them. *sigh* anyway, im happy you had fun in the old stomping grounds.

As a matter of fact my personality is a refreshing coarse in love and understanding. Not only am I funny and humorous I bring joy and happiness to all those around me. I love to be affectionate and give kisses. I tell my friends what I think about them and how I feel. Not once have I held anything back or hide behind some false pretense or such. I am what you get and I do not appologize for my behavior rather I revel in the fact that I am an individual like no other. That's why I am unforgettable. No one can forget me cause I create an image in there mind of a green eyed girl with red hair. Although my friends may not agree with all my views they respect me enough to love me just as I am. I can't help you to understand this little bit of information that everyone else seems to have about me. Whether you feel jealous of me is irrelevant. I am here to have fun and nothing else. I have kept my promise to you and on Jey's behalf has acted like a perfect Gentlemen as usual. Which is no surprise cause he is usually a sweetheart. I really wish you would grow up and stop acting like a spoiled rotten child. I am not here to ruin your day I am here to relax and have fun on my vacation. Please if you have nothing better to say but rude comments take it up with your journal and leave mine alone. Not once have I made a comment to you about your personality problems or your lack of maturity. I have accepted you as is. So I would like and demand the same respect back. This is a simple matter if not don't talk to me it's as simple as that. Whatever the case may be, good day and I will not mention your name again ever in my blog. And BTW why shouldn't I be happy being me I am a lovely person inside and out and I will not change for nobody. Sincerely Cassandra

Well I am back at Sandman's little cave and I am coming back from an awesome day at the outdoors where giant mutant ants were trying to eat Sandman and I. Holy molly those suckers were big and I was like flicking them off the rock and they kepted coming back for more. Had some nachos and like two coffee drinks cause I was tired as hell. See me and no sleep do not mix at all. Why do I bother?! Heck I do not know just that I did want to sleep sometime tonight and get up early the next day and hang out with some peeps. Why cause I am crazy that way. Jason was sunbathing reading a book on a rock being absorbed by his books which is no big surprise there man. Grins I love the geeky jerk sometimes. Lisle and I talked about different stuff on this huge rock with the mutant ants. Jason was kind enough to go fetch our drinks so that we could have something to soothe our parched throats. I thought he would look so cute as a house elf. But I do not think a duffle bag would cover his body since he has filled out some. Lisle was hacking away at a tree and knocking poor defenseless trees down and stuff. But in his defense the tree was technically dead and gave pretty fast. Well it couldn't do with the fact that he weighs a good amount. Not that I am saying he is fat which he is not. (pats his wheezy little head) I love you too grins. Then Jason comes back and says some stuff that I can't remember but we were totally confussed but Jey was like messing around so that makes me feel better. We get back to base camp where Jason sims is currently trying to go fishing with a numb hand in the river but luckily for him that there were no fishes hungry enough to bite at him. I tried my attempt at writing poetry but arguing with Jason on the fine points of paper squandering was not good. He is a stingy bastard when it comes to sharing his paper. I am so lucky he didn't make me write with my own blood man. Laughs but I do not think he is that heartless and stuff. (well maybe) (J/K) Then Jason and Lisle get the idea to dunk there heads in the water a little bit to see how long they could stand the cold. But that funny thing is Lisle didn't want to be out done so he did it longer the second time around. Now tell me this I kepted suggesting that he stick his winky in there cause hell it would be funny as hell if he did it. But that is my personal opinion like that counts to anyone or not hell I do not think so.

On the trip back was pretty uneventful cause hell nothing happened except that we listened to music and kind of zoned off in our own little universe for awhile. I was contiplating on my home enviroment and how I was going to deal with brandon when I got home and if we were going to continue to argue about stupid shit or not?! Hell who knows when two stupid people get together they are bound to argue about stupid stuff continously...

Well back to my story you know I like to ramble alot about the most stupidest stuff on the planet but if you had a life which I don't you wouldn't be reading my blog you would probally out living it to the fullest. But on the off chance that you are bored as I am then you are here with me reading my story as I write it. We get back to Lisle's house where Jason Sims heads off to the rodeo to catch him a couple of Filly's and see if they would like to jump start his heart. (grins good luck there partner is all I got to say) Then we decided that we needed food type stuff in our bellys. We called Blaine and talked to Sherry (his wife) to see what they were doing and if they wanted to go out to eat. After two failed negotiations attemps by Jason and Lisle we were stuck at Blaines house eating tomatoe soup and grilled cheese sandwhiches. We had orange juluis which rocks like no other thanks a bunch Sherry. We played Management Material for awhile which I have failed to win ever since playing the damm game. It's like what the hell and I doing playing a game I can't win. Hell I think I need to get better tactics and such. Grins maybe I am not meant to be a winner man. pouts and kicks the ground. As Jason says throws some dirt on it and cowboy up lol. (wink wink) Blaine, Jey, Lisle go on a small jam session and I have to admit they were not half bad. they need some lessions but hey for not knowing how to jam correctly I think they did an excellent job. I can't complain at all. We had a reminiscing session of bringing up the old days which was pretty fun and I had a blast. It was fun talking to Blaine and Lisle about the old days and just plain having fun. Blaine's kids Austin and Adam (the twins) were getting tired so I guess that was our que to leave immediately. SO we packed up the stuff and we came home. SO pretty much the day was awesome and I will miss my friends even more. A couple hugs here a couple hugs there made of the end of the night. Will I miss them hell yeah. I wonder how I ever let them get out of my lives so easily. I will miss and want to move back down here but I know where the hell would this Cali girl fit in?! Hell I cuss to much and I would scare off all the mormons that are here. So I best go back home. But I will miss Sandman the most from my trip because he is an awesome person to say the least. I got to spend some alone time with him and talking is an awesome thing to do. Thanks Sandman for letting me be apart of your life even if it was for three days or so. Muah kisses your wheezy little head. Your definetly going to have to come up and visit me sometime and show you how boring my life is and see if you can survive my kids lol. Grins I am evil aren't I?! Well I am going to see what the boys are up to in the dungeon and chill the hell out lol. Hugs kiss muah later goodnight!

Well I am here currently at Sandman's little cave. Well maybe his computer room where the chair makes weird farting noises. ALright I will fess up I farted just kidding the damm chair makes noises like I said before. The car ride out here was pretty fun we were all goofing around and I got to crack some pretty good jokes. We listened to Sandman's new CD Metallica and some Disturbed and was rocking out. Towards the end it got a little tiring because your butt started getting glued to the leather seats. But other than that it was a awesome trip. I got to see Blaine and his children. I held Annemarie for awhile which was awesome she didn't cry till I took my hair away from her. I guess I should of let her have my hair. I hiked the walked around the Y with Moe and it was pretty cool. We talked a little bit about life in general he seems to have changed from the person I thought he was. This is a good thing for his daughter and for me. We are fast becoming good friends the way it should be. Grins I am going to get some pictures from them for Cassie so she can see what her other family looks like. I am so interested in seeing how everybody has grown up its not funny. To much has happened where I was not able to see. I wish that Kuli would snap out of her trip and come back to the real world but maybe it is for the best. Strange things happen to people and that is how it is going to go I guess. I have walked a little ways around BYU which was pretty cool. I can so remember all the places where I used to hang out its not funny. I wish I could stay longer but my time is pretty much coming up fast. Oh well it was a teaser anyways. I can't help but miss all my friends that are out here. I wish that things were different but all good things have to come to an end. I am going to terrorize the good folks in Roosevelt for awhile till they kick me out of there house he he he. Grins but they will have to give up some fudge sickles before I leave he he he. I have to walk my tubby ass form his basement and raid his fridgerator of food he he he. Damm I hope that i do not get the munchies so the poor Bloke might actually starve to death. He he he. Going to learn to rope tomorrow with Jason sims and hang out again with Blaine. Maybe try to kill Sandman a little bit till he passes out. He keeps trying to pass his spittle to me when he talks he is very funny. So technically me and Sandman has passed bodily fluids though projectile fluids. His spit lands on my mouth and Cassie is like umm okay guess we are going to pass spit today he he he. Now the sick and twisted version is that I have kissed him on the cheek. He he he And I have presed my body against his he hehe okay for all you sicko's out there it was only a hug. I so like to twist things out of proportion and warp them into my own little sick world but hey thats me. I rubbed his head for awhile and got some shiney stuff on my hands. Well that was grease from his head cause he was sweating and his head was oily. I did bring down the Sharpie marker but he that is not for the timid at heart or the young viewers he he he. Grins. Umm yeah okay that makes Cassie think of nice little dirty things to do to peeps. Grins I did write a poem for my web site earlier which I will post after I am done with this one. It was done off the cuff so that its probally doesn't make since to anyone. So my cuddly little friend is sitting on the couch listening to me talk nonsense and humoring me with his laughter. Well I have to go cause I have nothing else to say but that I like all my friends and I plan on doing wicked and evil things to them while they sleep. Well I can't tell you what I will do cause that would ruin the fun that I will be having. Grins oh well I will probally be eating a fudge ice cream till I pass out in my two bed room scary room. Well Good night hugs and kisses... love you lots Cassie

Well halfway through my vacation and I have had some pretty good moments here. I got to hangout with Moe and Barbara and play video games or just talk. I got to hang out with Jason and his friends and play video games sigh life is good. Whatever I may be doing its been pretty good so far I have had to entertain myself on more than one occason but thats okay. i feel asleep pretty good today and only getting about 4 to 5 hours leep and for me down here that is good. I am pretty impressed with Janet Freston who I think is an absolute woderful person. I really liked talking to her the other day. She told me some really deep stuff and all I wanted to do was hug her and tell her it would be all right. But like always I hold back afraid of what I do not know. But we bonded and I am so glad to have known her for even this little while. SHeesh she is awesome to say the least highly intelligent and emotionally a little looney but aren't we all. I got a kick out of her and her trying to get married with a gnome. A little private joke that we share. But I do wish for her to have these things a marriage 9husband), love, and hell maybe even so kick ass sex she deserves it by all the crap she has taken from Jey's father. I thank god that Jey only has his stubborness and not his temper. Janet did a wonderful job when it comes to him who could ask for more. She has enlightened me on a few details that I myself didn't know about Jey and in return I guess I did the same. Sorry if this offends you Jey I thought your mother already knew. OPPSsssie. Did I mention that I totally like Jey's mother the conversation we had was off the hook and what we both believe in marriage was so right on. She believes the same thing and we has the same experiences on sexual drives I crack myself up. Finally someone on the planet understands me. Sheesh. She is a lot deeper person than I took her for and I can only wish that someone would love her the way she needs to be loved. Simply cherished for the person she is. Man if I had some powers of something I would find her the perfect mate for her. But its in God's hands and maybe there is a reason for everything. I wish that it would happen before things get too rough for her and her ailments. I am concerned about her condition and I know it only gets worse. I can see her struggling to do some stuff. Hell I might just move up here so that I can be around her. She is another awesome person and I will greatly miss her. Now out of his friends I like Causey and Castlemen the best because I have had the most interaction with them. Not to say that Chad isn't cool is just I guess he is reserved around me?! Hell I do not know its just plain funny and I like all of his friends that he made. I know what I want to do today and thats see Seth?! Why I ask why not?! It seems like a good idea and I do not have much time left. sigh I am already getting ansy and know that my time is almost up. But that is okay it has been a trip well worth traveling.

Moe's parents finally think I am an alright person and they actually want to meet little ole me as a friend and the mother of there grandchild. I am so nervous becuase hell they are actually willing to talk to me when before they only threw plants at my general direction. So hopefully I can create peace and harmony when there where none. Kind of scary but I have to do the best talking of my life and see if I can win over the hearts of two stubborn people. Hell if not I can always move again not in this state of course but Florida is cool except for all the alligators but its nice and sunny :). So that is a little freaky and I must be on my best behavior because I when put into nervous situations tend to cuss more when I do not mean to. I can already see know the looks of shock on there faces if and when they meet me. I am not quite sure when its supposed to happen but Moe will call me and we will find out.

Now who I would like to hang out with more would be Causey and Castlemen but they are busy I guess and when they are here I am asleep. i went to sleep early last night cause I just plain passed out. I was so tired I couldn't focus anymore and watching Freston's mom so that she doesn't hurt herself when she took her medicine. I recognized the head change and I knew that she was potentially in danger. Specially when she left the burner on and was messing around the house. That's mostly why Moe was still here because I was afraid I couldn't lift her myself if something happened. We both agreed to wait till she was in bed and then he would go home. I was afraid for her cause she was weaving and bobbing around the house trying to stay up to entertain us when we were only staying cause of the pills she taken. Not only that Janet is so fucking funny its almost comical. I do enjoy the women and we had our girl talk about Freston. Laughs on that subject grins chokes and comes up sputtering so many times its not funny. She is a fountain of information and a highly intelligent women. I do enjoy her company. So I am planning on staying around till she goes to sleep around 5 just in case because I do not want to see her get hurt. Not only that Freston would freak out and he needs no more stress in his life. I am a little irritated that she is put in a situation with her ex husband. Another reason why I do not want to get married I hurt all the shit he did to her and her barely being able to control her tears. Damm that man for hurting her and damaging her the way he did. She believes she was responsible for the shit done to her. Makes me want to cry and I could barely contain my rage and misery for her when I felt so much pain off her. Reminds me of my mother and all the bullshit she went through I so wish guys actually payed for the crimes that they do to there family. Assholes. The world has little justice for people like that I can only hope that he suffers in the end for causing so much pain for Jason and Janet. Evil asshole. I heard what he did to Jason how in the hell can you do this to your child. I can't understand it and I guess I am not to understand that?! I would not make my child cry and suffer the way Jey has. No wonder poor Jey and his sister has issues. I hope they get over it. There need not to eat sleep or have relationships that other people have to depend on them. he needs an equal partner like his mother and I discussed.?! Or maybe she will grow up a little bit more than she already has who knows??!!!!

Well I got to go cause my food is ready yummy yummy pasta. Well I will write back later if I have something interesting to say?!!!