Changes

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ever wonder why things happen in your life for a reason i kinda quite wondering and just go with the flow of things.  so many many hurdles i have to overcome and i do kicking and screaming along the way.  i kinda wonder how my mother did it when she was completely sane and not the wreck that she is today.  strange that she can't seem to function in reality without crying and being depressed nothing i can do to help her she has distanced herself from me and from everyone.  except mona and my daughter cassie can't trust my daughter to be around her its not safe anymore i know this my mom is disturbed.   her thought process is so messed up and she doesnt care anymore the life has taken its toll and whatever that has happened has done damage that cant be fixed.  sitting here in my livingroom cold cause i dont want to get a sweater on and i kinda refuse to go get one till this is done.  pretty soon ill have to get my girls up so they can go to school and see if i can make magic happen today or not?!  not sure if i can pull a rabbit out of my hat and do this wondering always wondering if im going to fail.  i hate failure trying to recover enough to not be in this situation but its not happening like i planned.  im tired real tired of this...  tired of the situation that he put me in tired of trying to get out of the situation but im glad he is gone.  one less person to hold up while he is trying to find himself after dao and using me to get there.  i gotta move so its going to be some hard decisions on what stuff to bring and what stuff to just throw away i have no one to help me move it so there you go.  Keep what i need and just chuck the rest.  sad my stuff is fading away and there is nothing i can do about it...

Everything

I have rewritten this a couple of times and still it seems so damm harsh to me I dont know how to sugar coat anything. Wondering if im going to be waiting forever for something that isnt even going to happen... Thinking of moving with my cousin in Mississippi that is guaranteed nothing else here is. I think that my hope is pretty much dashed at the moment really dashed im like one step away from failure serious failure and there isnt nothing I can do about it either. If one thing happens on the truck im screwed nothing i can do with it but just walk away from everything kids family everyone. Cause I dont fail but something has to happen or everything is lost im not looking forward to my options either better to give up entirely where at least they would be happy then nothing. Im going to decide at the end of the month what im going to do but im thinking im just going to give the kids back to the mutual parents and say fuck it and try to get my shit together and then get them back if I can which I know Cassie isn't even an option but im not doing what im supposed to about getting a job cause its just not working. IDK what to do anymore but my hope is dashed my faith my love my dreams kinda done. Im failing and im not use to failure you know whatever im determined to have or do usually i move heaven and earth to have it get it or possess it but even I am not able to do it this time.... sad

7

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Well today started off good and still hasn't ended yet but it has a good note to it nothing out of the ordinary happened I dreamed of my dad which put me in a good mood. Strange how a little thing like that can put pep in your step. The day before I was an emotion wreck trying to get thru the day without crying my eyes out and whatever song popped on the radio would cause more emotional trauma I tried to avoid. Didn't happen Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton came on the station I was listening to and there I was crying my eyes out. Little known fact I dont like to cry most of the time I will stop myself from crying just to prove a point that you didn't hurt me sometimes even I cant control myself. There are somethings you just miss that ever loving heaviness in your chest. I had that anxiety panic attack thingy going on in my mind and in my heart where I was struck dumb counting off in my head what little family I have left. Wondering if I ever screw up with my life what would happen to my own little family. So pretty much I already know that im alone in this world except for my mother who does help me completely. My brother is useless because he is chasing his own demons and hasnt learned to grow up yet!!! Sad because he had so much potential in his life that he ruined it with drugs and has no prospects but to fall back into drugs hopefully he can stay sober and clean but he is slipping.

Hmm on to walking I walk everyday except when I stay up to late and can't walk for fear of driving off the road with my kids in the truck that would be very very very bad. So then I skip it and try for the night time walking but that doesn't happen because im sometimes raiding in world of warcraft. Dammit I can't wait for cataclysm to come out so I can raid the new content and not be bored to death. Aoiri had it right when he said he was through with this expansion they need to hurry the fuck up with the release date. I really want to play the new dungeons and have new stuff to look forward to instead of being bored off my ass trying to help people get gear. Sigh.

Well im done for the night I am having to stay up till 3 am in the morning to get boxes to move because I want to save money unless I get a job lets pray that I get a job I really really really want one dammit. I dont want too have to stay at my friends house and annoy the ever living shit out of them or have Jeff hide because he can't stand Jade buggy or Cassandra. Which is probally what he is going to do because he is used to being alone. Doesn't matter that we are friends he will still want his space. Well went to my interview and we will see what happens with my background check which I have no felonies or any criminal record whatsoever so that is a shoe in for me. Yeah for a job! Otherwise imma go to school for Dental Assistant like I want to and start making money that way when I get out of school. Well you guys have a great day keep coming back and Ill yell at you later.
Sweet Dreams <3 Cassie

The Reasons why I woke up today

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The Reasons Why I Woke up Today!

1) Couldn't stop myself from breathing oh bother the automatic breathing thing shit thats unfair...

2) Another day to breathe in the sunshine

3) Blue Metalic Nail Polish

4) The never ending persuit of Happiness

That should be enough reason for now enough said...

A bad day

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Gods where to begin I tried to help my brother today and it blew up in my face my most unselfish act that I have ever done for my brother. I tried with all my heart to help my brothers happiness along cause I know if he doesnt have something to cling to he will die. I know this with every fiber of my being because he is fractured too much bad shit has happened in his life for him to want to care about anything else. I thought maybe if someone loved him enough and he could love her in return that maybe his fate can be changed. I hate the fact that even with my superior problem solving skills I cant strategize my way out of this or even help in some small way. So I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now this intense crushing feeling on my chest that wont let go. I hate that god damm fate of knowing shit I shouldnt know and not being able to do anything about it. But its not in me to give up im a fighter always have been but there are times even I can see the uselessness of the situation. I knew the god damm famous Pride that runs in our family that my brother would probally fuck it up and it reminded me to be humble myself. I am arrogant vain prideful that I wont allow people to hurt me and I push away those that I love because I know that if I do they can't ever hurt me. hard for me to suck up my pride and let someone in cause I always got to be in control well im not going to be that person anymore im going to just let it be and hope fate smiles on me. Gods how I wish fate would smile on me I dream about it can I just for once have everything I need without it always being a god damm struggle. Im going to pray tonight haven't done so in so long and I hope god is listening to me when I do and it wont be for myself either im not stupid enough to ask. But for my brother because he is my family my blood what else can I do but try?! My heart is so heavy I have cried tonight and probally will cry again because I can't sleep and walking doesnt seem to take away this heaviness and burden that I can't contain. Please let me find a job soon I don't want my kids to suffer because of my poor choices in men please. You know at the end of my life I hope it isnt a struggle the same way I can in I dont want to have to go out with a struggle at life or a struggle at death I want to go peacefully in my sleep. My heart is heavy. There are times like right at this moment that I really need a hug and someone to cuddle with can't always be strong. I am going to sleep now hope the world is a little better place tomorrow...

The Meltdown

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Had a complete lapse in sanity a moment where i was like wtf im inpatient was talking to the bf and he didn't respond took like 20 minutes still nothing. Got mad text and then still nothing... Called and then was like it went to voicemail which pretty much set me off for the night of just being completely irate and emotional. He called back while i was texting him which i accidently hit reject when i was texting trying to send which sucks god damm small buttons. Makes my fingers feel large when i know i have tiny ass fingers in the first place this phone is made for a god damm little person but then again if im not mistaken they got fat chubby little fingers like babys. Told the bf that i would talk to him after i calmed down talked to my mother on the phone because she called me during my jog yes i jog just really hate to jog rather walk long distances at fast paces specially when im tired. She actually made me feel better had me crying on the phone on the end because my mother reminded me what the little things are and i was being a Diva today and it was my bday. Gavin texted me back which guess what the stinking cell phone which everyone and there dog was using today it was freaking dead like DOA dead so guess what another frustrated day of guess what no damm texting or messages passed to one of the few people i enjoy talking to other then my besties. Got home felt like complete dog shit cause i ran all the way home like a the devil was on my back cause i said give me five minutes i will be home. Honestly it took more like 15 or 20 minutes because a) was further away from house then i thought i was b) got distracted trying to find the damm charger which it wasn't where i put it no big surprise there c) after all that mess of finally finding it i had to put jade to bed because she was still up wanting to sleep with me. All this with the stupid car blowing a tire more money to spend more money to spend which i have been trying not to spend any what so ever and wham something else happens this happens that happens. At this point Bf's texting me and all of a sudden i couldn't for the love of me stop crying it just poured out of me. Texting while blurry thats a winner, blow my nose, and then cry some more. 20 minutes later still no better then i was before but now im tired... Bf is still texting me which in my mind we probally should of been talking at this point but no matter... Honestly i think i was just tired, stressed, annoyed, and virtually everything that could of gone wrong did.... So Cassie wasn't wearing her big girl pants today she needed to cry just a little bit and maybe tomorrow wont feel so insane.... I thanks Megan for the gifts she brought me and that omg insanely good pie that fell in my lap and of course i made a hella funny statement that wont be posted here but was food for thought for everyone. Hmmmmm maybe ill try it later zomg... Going to bed now that i finally made peace with myself wondering if im suffering from post partum depression thinking of going to see a doctor really dont like doctors but this is ridiculous i really dont remember the last time i cried for no reason or just being miserable and moody! Im like wth people throw me a bone here... alright going to bed will write later when something is good enough to put in here... Got to hand it to the bf for putting up with me i feel insane right now can't sleep eat irratable impatient cant eat tired wide awake depressed wth....

songs

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ever have one of those moments where you are brought back to a place where that song you were listening to at the time brought you back to a moment in time you would like to live again even for just a moment. i had one of those free moments where you are at complete peace with yourself at the top of byu mountain THE Y.

Annoyed

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I don't know why im really annoyed but i am annoyed when I was in this totally great mood but just one little comment on the phone sets me off doesn't say much for my mental sanity. I tried going back to my happy place and then it hits me again and im moody again its like wth snap out of it women. Then he calls me right now in the middle writing this blog and reminds me of the massive pee pee touch how in the hell am i supposed to stay mad at that. Its like dammit now all i can think about is pee pee touches okay its a joke sounds perverted it is slightly perverted but mostly its just to make each other laugh. Grrr now im not in a bad mood anymore I learned from the Osho teachings that if you deny yourself sex you become angry and violent. Okay one im already angry two probally wont do bodily harm anytime soon and three will not be getting sex for a long time not anytime soon. okay maybe thats my problem in the first place oh well no sex is better then terrible sex in anyway shape or form. Seriously though i have this enormous noise in the living room where my brother is watching movies it is way too loud but he is mostly deaf in an ear so he is relying on his other ear to hear and that doesn't cut it for me. Cassandra is blending something in blender with margarita mix without alcolhol she wants a strawberry drink i think my kid is nuts but thats besides the point. Thats berry berry creative once you think about it she added ice cream ice cubes margarita mix yummy. No I dont keep alcolhol around the house thats just plain retarded I would probally be tempted to drink it but I dont like to drink so that should tell you something. Although icees in any form i love taking megan to one again sometime soon when i get the money is so an option i want. I think thats the theme of this damm blog i want i want i want. what I want is so damm far away and he festers this fever with more outrageous behavior then before and i cant fight it tired of fighting it. its quite annoying all together wanting a person so damm far away and basically i dont want sex want to hang out and cuddle is that toooo damm strang for you peeps. probally so since i talk about sex all the time grrr thats because thats a focus when you dont get it you want it and when someone flaunts it you want it and its a viscious circle continuing on its path until something is either resolved or i die of exploding body parts namely the va jay jay. okay yeah this is probally not going to happen because plenty of guys probally deal with an increased libido and can't do nothing about it but whack off in the dark or watching porno sickos every last one of them ahahahhahahaaha sick ass bitches. okay seriously though if you watch porn more then three times a week your seriously whacked in the head yo. cough i know a person thats does this and he isnt a whack job but gets me to wondering what the hell do you do other then watch pornos. Oh Birthday coming up soon september 15 old lady coming thru old lady coming thru. yes im not hip anymore im old going to be 34 still young i guess but i wouldnt change it. rather cant wait to die something interesting stuff will happen get to talk to god ask all sorts of questions get answers either go to heaven or hell that story will have to be continued at another time.


Sweeeet people im finally done aren't you glad yeah bitch is going to sleep woot the world sleeps easier hahahahahaha. Okay now off to bed before i really kill peeps love you goodnight.

Work it Let me work it

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I got to go to work today and hang out with peeps I haven't hung out with a very very long time. They kepted asking me where I was hiding out and why haven't I talked to them in like forever. Yeah and then the same bullshit do you have a boyfriend yada yada yada wanna go drinking with us tonight since its friday. Sigh NO! I told them I was a recovering alcolholic that my AA would definetely suffer from the reprecussions if I partake in some alcolholic beverages. Chuckles a little white lie helps people whose only entertainment is chucking down some alcolhol to me you dont have to drink to have a good time. Hmm I came home and made dinner no surprise there that my brother couldn't help with anything his only excuse was Im sorry I dont know how to cook Im like damm fool UTUBE that shit follow the video instructions. But anyways I made an excellent dish of bellpepper, onions, jalepenos, carne asada, and tomatoe which was like oh so delicious. Im kind of obsessed with bellpepper and fish at the moment I really wanted a fish fillet from mcdonalds thank god there isnt a Mc D's near my work that would be my food of choice. Get to go to work with Jeff which would say money because my beast of a suburban eats my money like crazy scary scary.
Towards the end of the shift when I know second shift was coming in I was starting to become nervous. I dont want to see James or talk to James because im afraid of what I will do like either beat the crap out of him or yell. I like to think I would just look thru him like the last time he tried to talk to me and take the upper road! Please God I don't want to see him for his own personal safety let us get out early like normal day shift happens the whole 30 minutes early. I saw him and took off in the other direction as fast as humanly possible without drawing attention to myself and dodging thru cars thank you god. So im hoping next week it will be the same if I take the same route and continue to do the same thing maybe thru the whole shit I will never never never have to come face to face with him. Well im tired and I think I will go to sleep the boyfriend is distracted as usual always always always always distracted chuckles look at the SHINEY. Sometimes I wish I was your Shiney a little disappointed that you always are distracted by whatever catches your fancy...

Dear Mr. President

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Morning Ramblings...

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Today was another busy day that I barely had time to keep myself fed which I was ravenous when I pulled into McD's for Fillet of Fish. I seem to be obsessed with fish lately no particular reason why I just want a MacDonald's FISHY PATTY. I know that its probably completely unhealthy of me and I forget to eat until I start to shake and realize hey dumb ass your body needs fuel you need to eat. I get distracted and busy so when im actually hungry there isn't anything that's readily made that I'm like screw it McD's it is. I cooked some killer Carne Asada taco meat today which everyone said they were kick ass. I think my cousin Anthony comes over for the food. I stayed up on the phone Gavin and talking about anything and everything. Forgetting the time till it was 2 am in the morning. Then I had to walk with Megan at 5 in the morning which I was like a damn robot hardly function on auto pilot thank god I can function with minimal brain power. I got thirsty on the way and I saw some sprinkles I am not coordinated enough at that time in the morning to actually hit allot of water in my mouth so it sprayed myself in my eye and nose. Smiles I'm a good damm retarded person in the morning. Well the benefit of it was I was instantly and completely awake and I could enjoy the fact that I'm alive in the morning. Smiles I love the conversations with Megan its passes the time quicker and I forget that I'm pushing myself to stay fit and get fit. Next week I get my gym membership and the real task of keeping my body the way I want it starts. I'm afraid I keep getting sharp pains in my stomach or I feel like I want to throw up all the time. Makes me detest James even more. I have felt so damn trapped and stuck with him and I thought if I left that he would die. I hate the fact that I'm pregnant when I didn't want to be. i feel guilty that I don't want to be pregnant that I would rather be happy with Gavin then sporting around a huge fucking belly that will come because of James. I get angry when my feet start to swell, I feel sick, depressed, angry, mean, short tempered, and most of all weight gain. I hate the fact that you were so fucking insecure that you couldn't trust me that you gave me weight gainer so I would gain weight instead of losing it. That you didn't trust me enough to make the right decisions when I could of easily cheated on you when I was tempted but I respected you enough not to cross the line. Hard to be faithful to a person when the sex is completely fail. That when I went to the gym to keep the weight off you were setting me up for failure along with Megan who I shared the pills with like a god damm retard. I hate the fact that you thought so little of me in the first place to do something so horrible as to deter my ability to keep in shape. I will not say this to you because Ill end up cussing at you and I don't want to give you the satisfaction in knowing that you have hurt me so deeply. I'm glad that he has stopped calling I have nothing good to say and it always ends with a ugly talk. I resented him towards the end and I think we both knew it. Megan reminded me the fact how I was completely miserable with James trying to fix something that wasn't broken on my end. Someone who wasn't meeting me halfway at nothing just complaining cause he couldn't buy a damm paintball gun when you don't have a license and can't put your priorities in order. Why am I the only one that understand bills first fun later? Or save for a rainy day just in case your damm car breaks or something? I think its because I have no one to depend on that I think ahead in the future that its me myself and I. I know that I will probably be independent for the rest of my life something in me is so fundamentally strong I can't really explain it. Or maybe its the famous Ellis pride in me that will not let someone know how much they have pushed my buttons without pushing your mother fucking buttons back. I'm proud of myself I was completely nice about what James did to me my mother was amazed that I was civil. I tried to reason with it to no avail he was dead set that he couldn't or wouldn't want to be a father. I look at him for the first time on how pathetic a person he really was and why did I ever decide that he was ever worthy of dating me I have no idea. I think I take in too many lost puppies that need to be saved or I want to fix everything I see that broken. Like my friends say Cassandra you can't fix everything that's broken but doesn't stop me from trying. Sometimes I feel like that I can never let someone in too close to me or Ill push away or I feel trapped. Marriage scares the ever living hell out of me completely what if I can't love that person for the rest of there life and if they love me in return how could I take that precious gift for granted. Or am I even worthy enough to give my love to someone and not have them hate me for it when I'm moody. I'm constantly weighing and analyzing everything that goes in my life am I doing too much too little ? I screwed up three relationships is something fundamentally broken with me that a person can't stand to be around me. Am I needy? To Independent cause I know I bounce between the two depending on my mood. I'll want you close and them be like fuck give me space I can't breathe and want to push you away. Anthony and everybody keeps coming over like I'm going to have this major melt down watching me I pretend that I'm not paying attention but I am. I see everything specially body language I pay attention to most things people don't. I like to watch people and see what they do is that strange? Sometimes I feel angry that I got the short end of the deal when it came to sex. I hate the mother fucking fact that every time your pathetic mother fucking ass attempted sex it was the most utterly failure sex I have ever endured. And when I told you about it you complained to me like it was my fault. That someone how I devastated your god damm ego that you couldn't even attempt to please your partner. The person whom you say saved your life from killing yourself because you were in such a pathetic place and couldn't go on living because DAO your wife was smart enough to leave you. I hate the fact that my mother talked me into staying when I really wanted to leave two years ago when I knew it wasn't working and trying to make something work when he is unworthy of Cassandra. I hated the guilt trips my mother would tell me and I hate failure don't like to fail at anything. My saving graces Megan and Gavin whom helped me when I have forgotten myself and let myself be dictated to by another or what they wanted me to be. I Cassandra will never be put myself in the position of what James did thinking that person was what he should of been. Now my child that I have growing inside me will not know you, can't know you, will not learn your weaknesses, and will not follow a bad example. All my children are beautiful and exceptional this child will be no different. I have yet to produce an ugly child and I pray this will carry over to my new son or daughter. Its strange I haven't felt pity for myself at all I think I felt disappointed that I person that I thought I knew could be so disgustingly pathetic. Am I the only one on the planet that believes in morals or some fundamental instilled value system. I know towards the end I completely resented the way you treated me sexually, emotionally, and the overwhelming neediness that you have. The insecurity you had with yourself that you tried to project it onto me. The fact that I'm smarter then you or better at things that me being smart was a bad thing. That you felt inferior to me was right you should of felt inferior to me but not for the reasons why you thought. I forgiven you but I don't have to like you and I will never speak to you Ill look thru you like you don't exist because you don't. Now I feel better in actually saying this out loud instead of just saying it to Megan. And the fact that I don't miss you at all should tell you something. I got over you in 6 hours and I'm extremely proud of myself my mother reminded me how strong i am and that was the nail that hit the head. I remembered myself and what Mo did to me and how I needed to be and that put things in motion. I took everything that even reminded me of you and put it in trash bags. Tomorrow ill think ill drop the rest of your shit to your parents so there is never an invitation for you to come to my house. I really want to move and disappear but thats not happening. I'll think ill settle for switching apartments for my own sanity I'm not sure if I have the self control not to want to smash my fists in his face. Gotta remind myself that violence is the primal instinct and i being the intelligent being should be above that. But sometimes seeing some blood shed really has some kind of satisfaction even if its fleeting.

I pity Gavin I'm trying not to incorporate my past experiences with him giving him complete trust which is easy... Your girl is completely and utterly smitten with you sometimes I forgot not to smile if that's possible. I make myself not text you because I know that I could possibly smother a person with too much texting. Sometimes I don't respond because I'm being mean and want to make you wait because I don't like this feeling that my happiness is so instant when I receive a text and it makes me smile. I don't like that I love the sound of your voice that even if im blind I would recognize you instantly. You told me you love my voice and I was thinking the same exact thing and refused to admit it. The facts are like fucking plain to me and I hate to even admit it to myself. I cringe at the effect or the way that you seem to have completely slipped through my guard so easily. You have always been my friend for so long that what if I don't have you? Ever wonder what existence would be like if you didn't have the person you love and you had to live your life without them and go on. How is such a task even possible where do you find that kind of strength? Ah but Cassandra dreams scary stuff when it comes true lots of stuff are like happening and its like deja vu. I knew this was going to happen it was just a matter of time and now that I have it what am I going to do with it. Am I even worthy of a person such as you Yeah I already know that answer but sometimes I have doubts even I can't be completely arrogant or vain im not perfect by any means. I can feel you thinking of me and its kind of uncanny that you fucking know that i just sit down and start to text me when I haven't even bothered to text you because im trying to control this butterflies in my stomache or my total and constant need to wanna talk to you. The feeling goes with Megan to I have to distance myself and thats so totally unworthy of you both. That one little damm word like muah can put a smile on my face that I can see you in my minds eye so completely that it scares me... Im happy by myself I know this I have my core happiness always have I'm silent and brooding peering at people with a microscope. I think I'm waiting for you to disappoint me and I'm sorry for it. I expect people to disappoint me and that's so fucking negative of me and I know it. It still boggles the mind that you want to even date a girl that's pregnant with another guys kid? Scares me that its so damm easy takes little or no effort I don't have to try it just is?! I hate the fact that you affect me and take me off guard that you push buttons that I didn't even knew existed. That with just words you touch my heart I feel loved by a person that has never met me one of my essential beings to my happiness my family. I cringe if I screw it up one of my best friends will be gone and I will be the one to blame. I fear that i may hurt you because I'm am responsible for the happiness of another person who is a beautiful soul. I don't want to destroy that light that's within you by being mean or insensitive. I'm afraid that I will hurt you Gavin might even destroy you or see you cry. Couldn't live with myself if I did your heart is too wonderful to hurt. What if I'm insensitive and hurt you out of being callous or just too plan stupid for my own good. which is so damm very easy your so damm charming for your own fucking good. I love the conversations most of the time its not perverted Gavin will slip something in there and ask me certain questions and I don't hesitate to answer. Grr your such a curious sort. Hmm I think imma refuse those pictures you asked for just on the merit that you ask everyone else for them which they obviously do otherwise you wouldn't have boobie pics and such. Imma be different and not give them to you! You can't continue to play the same thing you did with the other girls and have it work on me. Compared notes with Megan we pretty much know the same game you pull not that your not completely sincere in your pursuit of people just I don't want to be that person who is like everybody else. Not that I don't care I guess just that I refuse to be ordinary...

Megan texted me dead out of sleep and Im awake I hate it completely because now im here writing instead of being in the comfort of my own bed. So I leave this blog probably where I started being utterly confused on how lucky I am to have found this beautiful person who loves Cassandra Ellis. Holy Shit I said it out loud. Finally admitted it to myself and other people zomg. You read it first I am in love with Gavin Coak and it scares the utter living hell out of me my heart trembles with the repercussions of such an adventure. Wonders if your going to be the person who is finally going to break thru this wall that I put around myself?! I think I have written enough for one night. The writer comes out again holy hell im going to bed now or Megan will kill me....

Questions

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So today one of my best friends decides to pop the question to me about dating him. Talked to my friend Carla who was in total agreement to date him. So its official im dating Gavin holy crap lots of things go thru my mind he is one of my very best friends along with Megan. What happens if it ends badly which is what goes thru my mind. Hmm you never know and thats what Carla told me when I was talking about Gavin liking me. Talk about this subject a little bit later when no one is peeking over my damm shoulder every three seconds wondering what I typing. A real man doesnt say your sexy or hot they say your gorgeous or your beautiful read that. Hmm what if they say both? Does that mean they are half wrong?

Got new goals like going to the gym again hit a dark period well exactly 6 hours when James left and haven't went to the gym since. So either friday or saturday im hitting the gym up and doing what I need to do to look fabulous while keeping the baby healthy. Hanging out with different peeps now which is cool going to probally bug Megan a bit to see her little cat that they haven't yet to name. I really want them to name it Kilala from Naruto but thats not happening guess they aren't a naruto fan. I get into my moods of wanting to watch back to back episodes of Anime Naruto, Bleach, and my favorite Inuyasha.. Loved anime ever since I was young can't help it my daughter is the same way Cassie just loves Anime... We sit together and just chill out with some ramen and watch naruto... If its Inuyasha then I make fried rice with whatever meat I have at the time which is usually great can't screw up Fried Rice. Tonight I made Shrimp and Hot link Fried Rice and it was absolutely delicious shared some with my neighbors daughter Deon. I love watching Trueblood with Eric and the vampire Bill lol have discussion with my neighbors and Gavin about it. Mostly what they thought of the episode what they were shocked about etc etc. My favorite is Lafeyette and Eric of course they make the show.

Just got finished painting Little Cassie's nails and Jade which is our girl time together make it a point to paint Jade's nails and toes. Cassie only likes her nails painted which was my tradition for our girls to paint hands and toes but she grew out of the toes part of it. Jade and I go at least once every two months and choose two more colors to add to our collection of colorful arrays. Currently the new Neon colors are Dude Blue and Rad Purple which the purple we all dont like cause it comes out funky and doesnt look as cool as the DUDE BLUE. Both of them are finally painted took fifteen minutes not so bad but they had to have two coats kinda surprised Cassie wanted it normally she doesnt I get in the mood to paint her nails and she is like nigga please lol. Not Literally of course but you get the idea.

Starting to get super sleepy and I have to watch that damm video one more time just to see if its fake or not usually I can spot this stuff but right now its not happening weird huh. Thank you Gavin for showing it to me not so damm scary after all ZOMG. Okay thats enough for tonight nighty night america...

Bucket List

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Okay well I was just informed that there is a bucket list we are supposed to make in the event that we die! This is a list of some of the things you would like to do... Now here is my attempt at a bucket list.

Kiss the boy for the first time that rocks my world... no exceptions
See the sunset in Paris France
Get married
Buy a house
learn to skateboard
visit different places on the planet that I have never been
Start a matchbook collection from different places
Try something new every month
Remember the little things and keep it simple
Tell the people I love they are special to me
Do something for the enviroment
Try to remembe patience and be a better person.

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So yeah I woke up today pretty damm sick and when I mean sick yucky mouth tasting sickness that doesn't go away. I have brushed my teeth several times the roof of my mouth, tongue, and cheeks but nothing seems to get that stuff gone. Probally because I have a mucus factory going on in my nose that is like on triple time producing mass amounts of muscus. So I have been drinking green tea since this morning going to try again to attempt some bread I got these lovely cinnamon raison bagels beggin to be toasted and buttered. I dont have any cream cheese or I would attempt to rock that. Picture this me last night trying to sleep because I can't breath thru my nose and I probally woke up a couple of times because I choked myself on snoring. Naughty habit snoring only time I snore is when Im sick. Probally woke up the neighbors will the pitch and longivity of my snore. Alright im probally exaggerating a lot but you pretty much get the idea of what im trying to say. I hate being sick im a light sleeper any noise wakes me up which is why I sleep with a fan shuts out all noise and your right out hard.

My friends are being dear hearts talked to Megan on the phone she was happy that I recognized her maybe I just don't say enough how I appeciate my friends. Probally to wrapped up in myself to acknowledge good deeds when they are done. Gavins been a real sweetheart towards me and thats going currently trying to beat his butt at Backyard Monsters thinking im going to have to set alarm clocks and click buttons like a robot again. Smiles im creepin up and I know it lets see what he can do to keep ahead muah hhahahahahahahaha... I know slightly creepy but I feel that I have to do something im very competitive in all things.

Friday the 13th

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Well crap my post didn't save and I have to start all over. Yeah im giving my computer an evil look... So now Im starting all over with whatever is going to be pouring into this blog right now. Sorry if its a ramble I had a good post earlier but the damm thing deleted itself. So first off I would like to thank my mother , Megan, Gavin, Anthony, and last but not least my brother Ken. For helping me get over a little bump in the road called James. Seriously folks within the first two years you should pretty much figured out that you dont want to be with a person. He decided after 4 1/2 years that he didn't want to be with me anymore. Pushing me to get pregnant for a year and when it happens he just magically cant deal with me anymore. Like I said child support is a bitch and hell no am I naming the child after you. I admit for like the first 6 hours I was like shell shocked, comatosed, crying, hysterical, wigged out, flabbergasted, angry, sad, and whatever else emotion that you can conjure forth. But then I remembered all the damm terrible sex I had to fake my way there so you wouldn't pout because you couldn't get me off. Hince the damm book sex for dummies you got at Christmas should of been a big fucking hint but some guys need to be hit with a brick at birth literally. Oh well new chapter. Thank you Megan for the calls when I really needed someone to talk to so I wouldn't go insane for the first couple of days. Thank you Gavin for sending me outrageous videos that made me laugh, called when I needed someone to talk to, Told me everything is going to be alright, and basically sent me crazy pictures to make me smile. Thank you guys love you both for that made me feel better. Thank you Anthony for giving me the hard lecture of never taking James back no matter how much he begs like I would ever do that. Im pretty much once you screw me over your done kind of deal Motau taught me that. At least him you can chalk it up to age and immaturity at 20. Not so much you still sucked as a person back then sorry but you do. Now you just grown as a person and im glad your happy with Ester.

Oh something awesome and wonderful happened. So you know I didn't have a car whatsoever and a perfect stranger Sarah's parents gave me there old car a 88 suburban to drive and its tagged into next year. I was wondering what the hell am I going to do I refuse to call James for a ride my grandmother is too bitchy, grouchy, and self centered to want to let me use her car to go to the store. It's literally like pulling teeth to get her to help nevermind that I brought you guys food for awhile filled up your freezer with groceries but helping me is completely out of the question. Okay that sound mean and bitter hmm maybe a little but its still fucked up yo.

So yeah when Im angry which has been a lot lately big new I don't want to be pregnant with the weight gain and the added responsibility of taking care of another child by myself. Its like you are disrespecting me by lying Im a big girl dammit I wear big girl underwear just be blunt and tell me the truth. Well im blunt I expect you to be blunt so fucking spill it out already hard to do well tough shit do it anyways.

My mom has been awesome going back to church she finally went back and is a little bit more mentally sound. I still worry for her she isnt right in the head all the way and I mean her memory is bad. She has been helping me deal with this and its so strange. My complaint is why the hell do you smoke weed with your son if you know the dumbass has a drug problem why? Pisses me off to know that you lie to my face and think its okay just to shut me up like thats not going to affect me that you lie to me. This is something you should never do to your child. That was the hardest lesson I grew up with knowing that your parents lie and that they will fail you because of human weakness. Dad because he cant seem to not want to rob the place he works for. My mother for not being able to be stronger and letting my brother live off us for free and be a dick in our house while doing nothing with his life. He is still doing the same shit except he is sober hmmm big surprise there. I have that habit when I want to shut all the negativity out of the world and for a second just have a black space for awhile.

Currently my neighbors think im antisocial and mean they are afraid to approach me. I have tried recently within the last weeks to be nice and friendly with them. Just my tolerance for bullshit and not wanting to deal with people is so very little. Id rather pet my Ninny then deal with them she is a sweet little pet love you. Tristan gets on my nerves with his perfect impression of the alarm clock at high pitch volume that goes on for 30 minutes to an hour even if you cover his face he still does it muffled. Why couldn't we of had a muted cockatiel?

If you guys didnt know im highly allergic to everything that touches my skin normally which cause me to have hives. Yeah so Im constantly in a battle of wills not to scratch my body for any real particular reason or I would scratch sores in my body. But you know the feeling of ectasy when you scratch and it just feels like heaven . I like my long showers of sitting there as the hot water just pours on you and you just marinate for awhile just trying to wake up and have for a moment you own alone time. If your a parent you know that you are never alone ever. Your kids want you twenty four seven have to depend on you and even when you are in the bathroom they bang on the door.

So yeah its like 5 am in the morning I stayed up all night couldn't sleep probally the Dr Pepper I had which if you didnt know I dont normally drink soda whatsoever. You would find me drinking green tea, water, juice, oolong, jasmine, or chai tea at any given time. I love all tea and I have yet to try all flavors but if I dont like it I pass it along to Megan ten to one she either likes it or wants to try it might as well share.

Hmm People I want to talk to again like soon you know who you are. Miss you Mai Thai very much going to go see you for awhile see what you are up to? Probally going to hang out with Lisa tomorrow and shoot the breeze thank god she isnt jealous of her man and I playing dominoes kind of freaked me out she didn't want to play with us and him using us to make her jealous. Stupid bullshit games people in love play. Why o Why cant you just come and and be real for the love of god. Or just say whats really on my mind you pissed me off so im pissing you off by talking to another female besides you! So stick that in your pipe and puff it baby yeah breath real deep so it gets in your lungs and shit. Okay im off my rocker I know it just deal with it.

Im finally tired mad because I messed up my first post and you are stuck with this one oh well deal with it. The next post will be better. Check out the new poetry I wrote in my other blog hope you like it.

Well off to bed im finally asleep and Jade will be waking up early so ill need to be getting up with her although I dont want to. love ya <3 Cassie