You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::
Gods where to begin I tried to help my brother today and it blew up in my face my most unselfish act that I have ever done for my brother. I tried with all my heart to help my brothers happiness along cause I know if he doesnt have something to cling to he will die. I know this with every fiber of my being because he is fractured too much bad shit has happened in his life for him to want to care about anything else. I thought maybe if someone loved him enough and he could love her in return that maybe his fate can be changed. I hate the fact that even with my superior problem solving skills I cant strategize my way out of this or even help in some small way. So I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now this intense crushing feeling on my chest that wont let go. I hate that god damm fate of knowing shit I shouldnt know and not being able to do anything about it. But its not in me to give up im a fighter always have been but there are times even I can see the uselessness of the situation. I knew the god damm famous Pride that runs in our family that my brother would probally fuck it up and it reminded me to be humble myself. I am arrogant vain prideful that I wont allow people to hurt me and I push away those that I love because I know that if I do they can't ever hurt me. hard for me to suck up my pride and let someone in cause I always got to be in control well im not going to be that person anymore im going to just let it be and hope fate smiles on me. Gods how I wish fate would smile on me I dream about it can I just for once have everything I need without it always being a god damm struggle. Im going to pray tonight haven't done so in so long and I hope god is listening to me when I do and it wont be for myself either im not stupid enough to ask. But for my brother because he is my family my blood what else can I do but try?! My heart is so heavy I have cried tonight and probally will cry again because I can't sleep and walking doesnt seem to take away this heaviness and burden that I can't contain. Please let me find a job soon I don't want my kids to suffer because of my poor choices in men please. You know at the end of my life I hope it isnt a struggle the same way I can in I dont want to have to go out with a struggle at life or a struggle at death I want to go peacefully in my sleep. My heart is heavy. There are times like right at this moment that I really need a hug and someone to cuddle with can't always be strong. I am going to sleep now hope the world is a little better place tomorrow...
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Meltdown
You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::
Had a complete lapse in sanity a moment where i was like wtf im inpatient was talking to the bf and he didn't respond took like 20 minutes still nothing. Got mad text and then still nothing... Called and then was like it went to voicemail which pretty much set me off for the night of just being completely irate and emotional. He called back while i was texting him which i accidently hit reject when i was texting trying to send which sucks god damm small buttons. Makes my fingers feel large when i know i have tiny ass fingers in the first place this phone is made for a god damm little person but then again if im not mistaken they got fat chubby little fingers like babys. Told the bf that i would talk to him after i calmed down talked to my mother on the phone because she called me during my jog yes i jog just really hate to jog rather walk long distances at fast paces specially when im tired. She actually made me feel better had me crying on the phone on the end because my mother reminded me what the little things are and i was being a Diva today and it was my bday. Gavin texted me back which guess what the stinking cell phone which everyone and there dog was using today it was freaking dead like DOA dead so guess what another frustrated day of guess what no damm texting or messages passed to one of the few people i enjoy talking to other then my besties. Got home felt like complete dog shit cause i ran all the way home like a the devil was on my back cause i said give me five minutes i will be home. Honestly it took more like 15 or 20 minutes because a) was further away from house then i thought i was b) got distracted trying to find the damm charger which it wasn't where i put it no big surprise there c) after all that mess of finally finding it i had to put jade to bed because she was still up wanting to sleep with me. All this with the stupid car blowing a tire more money to spend more money to spend which i have been trying not to spend any what so ever and wham something else happens this happens that happens. At this point Bf's texting me and all of a sudden i couldn't for the love of me stop crying it just poured out of me. Texting while blurry thats a winner, blow my nose, and then cry some more. 20 minutes later still no better then i was before but now im tired... Bf is still texting me which in my mind we probally should of been talking at this point but no matter... Honestly i think i was just tired, stressed, annoyed, and virtually everything that could of gone wrong did.... So Cassie wasn't wearing her big girl pants today she needed to cry just a little bit and maybe tomorrow wont feel so insane.... I thanks Megan for the gifts she brought me and that omg insanely good pie that fell in my lap and of course i made a hella funny statement that wont be posted here but was food for thought for everyone. Hmmmmm maybe ill try it later zomg... Going to bed now that i finally made peace with myself wondering if im suffering from post partum depression thinking of going to see a doctor really dont like doctors but this is ridiculous i really dont remember the last time i cried for no reason or just being miserable and moody! Im like wth people throw me a bone here... alright going to bed will write later when something is good enough to put in here... Got to hand it to the bf for putting up with me i feel insane right now can't sleep eat irratable impatient cant eat tired wide awake depressed wth....
Had a complete lapse in sanity a moment where i was like wtf im inpatient was talking to the bf and he didn't respond took like 20 minutes still nothing. Got mad text and then still nothing... Called and then was like it went to voicemail which pretty much set me off for the night of just being completely irate and emotional. He called back while i was texting him which i accidently hit reject when i was texting trying to send which sucks god damm small buttons. Makes my fingers feel large when i know i have tiny ass fingers in the first place this phone is made for a god damm little person but then again if im not mistaken they got fat chubby little fingers like babys. Told the bf that i would talk to him after i calmed down talked to my mother on the phone because she called me during my jog yes i jog just really hate to jog rather walk long distances at fast paces specially when im tired. She actually made me feel better had me crying on the phone on the end because my mother reminded me what the little things are and i was being a Diva today and it was my bday. Gavin texted me back which guess what the stinking cell phone which everyone and there dog was using today it was freaking dead like DOA dead so guess what another frustrated day of guess what no damm texting or messages passed to one of the few people i enjoy talking to other then my besties. Got home felt like complete dog shit cause i ran all the way home like a the devil was on my back cause i said give me five minutes i will be home. Honestly it took more like 15 or 20 minutes because a) was further away from house then i thought i was b) got distracted trying to find the damm charger which it wasn't where i put it no big surprise there c) after all that mess of finally finding it i had to put jade to bed because she was still up wanting to sleep with me. All this with the stupid car blowing a tire more money to spend more money to spend which i have been trying not to spend any what so ever and wham something else happens this happens that happens. At this point Bf's texting me and all of a sudden i couldn't for the love of me stop crying it just poured out of me. Texting while blurry thats a winner, blow my nose, and then cry some more. 20 minutes later still no better then i was before but now im tired... Bf is still texting me which in my mind we probally should of been talking at this point but no matter... Honestly i think i was just tired, stressed, annoyed, and virtually everything that could of gone wrong did.... So Cassie wasn't wearing her big girl pants today she needed to cry just a little bit and maybe tomorrow wont feel so insane.... I thanks Megan for the gifts she brought me and that omg insanely good pie that fell in my lap and of course i made a hella funny statement that wont be posted here but was food for thought for everyone. Hmmmmm maybe ill try it later zomg... Going to bed now that i finally made peace with myself wondering if im suffering from post partum depression thinking of going to see a doctor really dont like doctors but this is ridiculous i really dont remember the last time i cried for no reason or just being miserable and moody! Im like wth people throw me a bone here... alright going to bed will write later when something is good enough to put in here... Got to hand it to the bf for putting up with me i feel insane right now can't sleep eat irratable impatient cant eat tired wide awake depressed wth....
Saturday, September 11, 2010
songs
You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::
ever have one of those moments where you are brought back to a place where that song you were listening to at the time brought you back to a moment in time you would like to live again even for just a moment. i had one of those free moments where you are at complete peace with yourself at the top of byu mountain THE Y.
ever have one of those moments where you are brought back to a place where that song you were listening to at the time brought you back to a moment in time you would like to live again even for just a moment. i had one of those free moments where you are at complete peace with yourself at the top of byu mountain THE Y.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Annoyed
You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::
I don't know why im really annoyed but i am annoyed when I was in this totally great mood but just one little comment on the phone sets me off doesn't say much for my mental sanity. I tried going back to my happy place and then it hits me again and im moody again its like wth snap out of it women. Then he calls me right now in the middle writing this blog and reminds me of the massive pee pee touch how in the hell am i supposed to stay mad at that. Its like dammit now all i can think about is pee pee touches okay its a joke sounds perverted it is slightly perverted but mostly its just to make each other laugh. Grrr now im not in a bad mood anymore I learned from the Osho teachings that if you deny yourself sex you become angry and violent. Okay one im already angry two probally wont do bodily harm anytime soon and three will not be getting sex for a long time not anytime soon. okay maybe thats my problem in the first place oh well no sex is better then terrible sex in anyway shape or form. Seriously though i have this enormous noise in the living room where my brother is watching movies it is way too loud but he is mostly deaf in an ear so he is relying on his other ear to hear and that doesn't cut it for me. Cassandra is blending something in blender with margarita mix without alcolhol she wants a strawberry drink i think my kid is nuts but thats besides the point. Thats berry berry creative once you think about it she added ice cream ice cubes margarita mix yummy. No I dont keep alcolhol around the house thats just plain retarded I would probally be tempted to drink it but I dont like to drink so that should tell you something. Although icees in any form i love taking megan to one again sometime soon when i get the money is so an option i want. I think thats the theme of this damm blog i want i want i want. what I want is so damm far away and he festers this fever with more outrageous behavior then before and i cant fight it tired of fighting it. its quite annoying all together wanting a person so damm far away and basically i dont want sex want to hang out and cuddle is that toooo damm strang for you peeps. probally so since i talk about sex all the time grrr thats because thats a focus when you dont get it you want it and when someone flaunts it you want it and its a viscious circle continuing on its path until something is either resolved or i die of exploding body parts namely the va jay jay. okay yeah this is probally not going to happen because plenty of guys probally deal with an increased libido and can't do nothing about it but whack off in the dark or watching porno sickos every last one of them ahahahhahahaaha sick ass bitches. okay seriously though if you watch porn more then three times a week your seriously whacked in the head yo. cough i know a person thats does this and he isnt a whack job but gets me to wondering what the hell do you do other then watch pornos. Oh Birthday coming up soon september 15 old lady coming thru old lady coming thru. yes im not hip anymore im old going to be 34 still young i guess but i wouldnt change it. rather cant wait to die something interesting stuff will happen get to talk to god ask all sorts of questions get answers either go to heaven or hell that story will have to be continued at another time.
Sweeeet people im finally done aren't you glad yeah bitch is going to sleep woot the world sleeps easier hahahahahaha. Okay now off to bed before i really kill peeps love you goodnight.
I don't know why im really annoyed but i am annoyed when I was in this totally great mood but just one little comment on the phone sets me off doesn't say much for my mental sanity. I tried going back to my happy place and then it hits me again and im moody again its like wth snap out of it women. Then he calls me right now in the middle writing this blog and reminds me of the massive pee pee touch how in the hell am i supposed to stay mad at that. Its like dammit now all i can think about is pee pee touches okay its a joke sounds perverted it is slightly perverted but mostly its just to make each other laugh. Grrr now im not in a bad mood anymore I learned from the Osho teachings that if you deny yourself sex you become angry and violent. Okay one im already angry two probally wont do bodily harm anytime soon and three will not be getting sex for a long time not anytime soon. okay maybe thats my problem in the first place oh well no sex is better then terrible sex in anyway shape or form. Seriously though i have this enormous noise in the living room where my brother is watching movies it is way too loud but he is mostly deaf in an ear so he is relying on his other ear to hear and that doesn't cut it for me. Cassandra is blending something in blender with margarita mix without alcolhol she wants a strawberry drink i think my kid is nuts but thats besides the point. Thats berry berry creative once you think about it she added ice cream ice cubes margarita mix yummy. No I dont keep alcolhol around the house thats just plain retarded I would probally be tempted to drink it but I dont like to drink so that should tell you something. Although icees in any form i love taking megan to one again sometime soon when i get the money is so an option i want. I think thats the theme of this damm blog i want i want i want. what I want is so damm far away and he festers this fever with more outrageous behavior then before and i cant fight it tired of fighting it. its quite annoying all together wanting a person so damm far away and basically i dont want sex want to hang out and cuddle is that toooo damm strang for you peeps. probally so since i talk about sex all the time grrr thats because thats a focus when you dont get it you want it and when someone flaunts it you want it and its a viscious circle continuing on its path until something is either resolved or i die of exploding body parts namely the va jay jay. okay yeah this is probally not going to happen because plenty of guys probally deal with an increased libido and can't do nothing about it but whack off in the dark or watching porno sickos every last one of them ahahahhahahaaha sick ass bitches. okay seriously though if you watch porn more then three times a week your seriously whacked in the head yo. cough i know a person thats does this and he isnt a whack job but gets me to wondering what the hell do you do other then watch pornos. Oh Birthday coming up soon september 15 old lady coming thru old lady coming thru. yes im not hip anymore im old going to be 34 still young i guess but i wouldnt change it. rather cant wait to die something interesting stuff will happen get to talk to god ask all sorts of questions get answers either go to heaven or hell that story will have to be continued at another time.
Sweeeet people im finally done aren't you glad yeah bitch is going to sleep woot the world sleeps easier hahahahahaha. Okay now off to bed before i really kill peeps love you goodnight.
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