So I discovered I really like to PVP

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So im sitting there one day with the horde trying to bash my face in with there weapons and thinking screw this its time to show them whats up and get up close and personal.  Now I liked to pvp with Bryan before but I didn't have the gear which made it not so fun when your dying almost instantly.  Now im pvping with Jon and Marvin which together makes a really bad combination because the time seems to fly like nothing.  Im swear im going to get laugh lines on my face because im giggling so hard.  Woke up the other day laughing with the sound of Jons voice in my head damm.  Thanks man thanks...  Erik seems to be having a hard time coming to grips with either loving wow or trying to get his career in professional bike racing in motion.  Sometimes you just gotta decide which is more important and throw whatever you have thats making you unhappy out the window.

I cant really say much waiting to go to work on call but not really working sucks im ready to leave this place.  Oh to be in Idaho kinda not sure if thats the right place for me or not but I know its going to be the place im going.  Have to make magic happen or things will get bad real quick decided once im there got a job that Imma kill myself with school and work till im at the place I need to be in my life independent again and having my own space without someone else trying to dictate to me how to live when you hardly ever worked in your life been living off your parents and your ex for awhile.  

A Knights Tale

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

ONE of the greatest love letters ever

My Dearest Jocelyn
Its strange to think I haven't seen your since a month.  I have seen the new moon but not you.  I have seen the sunsets and sunrises but nothing of your beautiful face.  The pieces of my broken heart are so small they can be passed thru an eye of a needle.  I miss you like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter.  Instead of beauty to direct it's light to the heart.  It hardens like the frozen world your heart has banished me to.  Hope guides me its what gets me thru the day and specially the night.  The hope after your gone from my sight that it will not be the last time I look upon you.  With all the love I posses I possess I remain yours.
The Knight of your heart...

This song made me cry

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::I wanna be loved like that

This is what Im going to tell future boyfriends if they cant handle that then piss off enough said.

Forgiveness of Self

SERENITY                             You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

I think I realized my problem today and realized why why why I push people away.  Why I only let people get so close than I just completely shut down.  Megan was a lesson but who am I to be so perfect Im not believe me I try to be but I fail completely.  Haven't you ever done something so terrible that you wish that person could forgive you?  If the roles were reversed would you be so forgiving and just turn the other cheek.  I have had betrayals toward my person the first one Gavin who I didn't turn the other cheek and the other Megan whom choose what she wanted to do.  The first one I had to let you go because honestly your unworthy of me and I couldn't be the person you needed in your life.  You most certainly wasn't the person whom you projected yourself to be trying to earn my trust with falsehood and lies but like everything eventually it all comes out in the wash.  Megan I can forgive because she was sincere in her apology and my mother said something awhile ago while I was talking on the phone to her when I asked her how she was able to forgive Jeanetta her transgressions...  She said sometimes it isn't worth living without that person whom you loved so much in the first place sometimes you just gotta give a little in return.  Motau who hurt me so deeply that I thought the very act of breathing would kill me I forgave a long time ago but the trust was never there.  I am sorry for walking away from getting married and hurt you in that way.  But that one little lie which you know what im speaking about crushed me so deep that it was a knee jerk reaction to walk away and just give up.  I closed myself my heart my life my everything up I have never loved another as I have loved him he will always be the love of my life.  I do not think I possess the ability to love another in that way.  I know that I love my friends would without hesitation die for them or those whom I consider my family.  A person the other day told me that me calling them my best friend was insignificant *he didnt use this word but thats how I took it* sadly this is completely untrue.  I dont have a lot of friends because I look for the most amazing people I can find and I keep them not only as friends but family.  I think I have a handful of friends that I completely and utterly trust with my secrets and personal thoughts.  I say this your are my best friend because you are worthy of the title and that I have put my trust in you because you have shown me the valor of your person and I am completely impressed.  That there is no hiding behind false masks or putting up airs just because as you have said im am unworthy.  I already know where I stand with you and im completely happy and satisfied in that position.

So back to the dream it struck me as profound the person telling me this I haven't forgiven myself of my faults I live with it I breathe it I punish myself for it everyday.  I deny myself the one thing I ultimately want because I do not think myself worthy of it.  Self loathing is a pain you have no idea I second guess everything myself the things around me.  I constantly analyze every situation down to the molecule and then do it some more.   I have burned bridges because you have done some pretty gnarly stuff to me that I find that I can't even look at your face for.  I have yet to call Mariano dont have the desire or the need to do so.  I already know the pressure from your family has had you call me because you dont want to lose face not that you really care but you must present yourself as the good guy.  But I already know what a crappy ass person you are your not fooling me im just sad that you couldn't be the person you are when you are with me twenty four seven instead you think its a weakness.  I told you before when I asked for help that I would never contact you again that you pretty much killed it the mere fact that you didnt call yourself other than this last time i have lost respect.  Once gone its pretty much DONZO.

I feel like I am trying to hard to hang out with people when before they were searching me out to hang with them that I am doing way too much.  So pretty much  I will step back and just let it be don't try anymore if you want to hang with me then you will.  If you don't than it is what it is and whatever happens happens.  I can't make you see what is already right in front of your face.

I painted my nails today this fierce purple and when my foot stops being completely and utterly stupid  I will paint my toes purple.  Hates the fact that im super allergic to everything and walking on anything dirty regardless of changing my socks three times a day gives me hives which I cant help but itch.  I wish I never discovered the pleasure of scratching.  Anybody who has ever scratched that itch or have had someone scratch their back understand the sheer cat like pleasure it gives you.

My Jade is being real real real special you have no idea with the non listening, the disrespect, and the plain willfulness to do what she wants instead of listening.  Yesterday was the dog, not putting back the stool, refusing to eat delicious food that she wants me to cook than deems it unworthy of eating, not wanting to go to bed at a decent time regardless of how many times she gets punished.  I am at my wits end with her.  You ever feel like the worst parent on the planet -----> points to self points to self.  Currently feeling the weight of being a single parent and wishing she was never born.  My mother was always able to pawn off her kids to grandparents and or uncles whenever she felt the need to get away from us years at a time.  Why arent I so damm lucky?  They see Jade and they are like fuck no hell no shit no....  I am completely and utterly physcially and mentally exhausted.  I realized at this exact moment I dont need a man I need a champion who only wears Cassandra's colors proudly.  Where is such a person?  When you deem me worthy God let me know cause frankly my heart is held together by duct tape, super glue, rubber bands, silly putty, paper clips, and some twine.  I could really really really use a hug and not feel so damm alone in the world.

Letting Go...

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

Sometimes when you see the person who hurt you so badly really upset and crying you kinda gotta let them know its okay even what they did was wrong you just let it go.  I saw Megan tonight really upset and yeah I could of done some shady shit back to her but whats the point really?!  Yeah your probally thinking is this girl crazy...  Probally a little mostly alot grins boinks head but I really dont have it in me to be mean to Megan ignore her yes but mean no.  Besides I got rid of all my stuff I was completely and utterly mad for about three weeks and then one day I just woke up not angry.  Looked at my missing stuff or lack their off and said fuck it Ill get it back who knows this purging of personal belongings might be what I need to motivate me to do something better with my life.  I remember when I lost my belongings before my baby books everything that I ever wanted cared for or needed my childhood memories gone.  I think there is something to find out in the world something I need to do and maybe in another state is where I should be.  Kind of a new adventure imma embrace it whole heartedly and try to find peace and solitude in the country.

Although getting even with Gavin was pretty much a really really really good thing.  Bastard was trying to play his gf against me when he said he wasnt dating and im telling him I only want to be friends...  Thank you for my gut instinct telling me he is being hella shady and not telling the truth.  I followed it to the letter and came up with the right answer.  Im sorry Starla for hurting you was never my intention but Gavin is an asshat who should of been more of a human being instead of pond scum.  Karma is a bitch Gavin what you put out in the universe will come back to haunt you and I was tired of being pushed around because im nice...  I hope that you finally get what you deserve and trying to date a 17 year old is kinda pathetic dont you think.  Happy face to me for letting that person go out of my life who is entirely unworthy of being alive when you prey on little girls because no one older in their right mind will let you have them.  Thank you god for me having the presence of mind to ignore you trying to push me into sex thank you thank you.  Otherwise I could of been a miserable peep being played by a very very very little boy.

All things happen for a reason and in the chaos of the world it all evens out somehow.

So I end this journal where I started very very very happy that im not drinking that I can watch my roommates be complete and utter lushes smiles.  Tomorrow I gotta get my car smogged again pay for the tags and get that together so when I leave its all done pray that all the crap thats wrong with my truck is fixed and finally done.  Crosses fingers.  Magic will happen I know this if I put enough elbow grease into it...  So tonight when I go to bed imma pray and ask God what I can do for him?!!!

Caveman and Guns

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So yeah today was a good day but it came with a quick and utter realization that men are still Caveman that need to be wiped from existence.  Juan my cousins boyfriend told her he wouldn't marry her unless she became a true catholic even though he got with her already knowing her religious status.  Now currently the asshat doesn't want to man up when he knocked her up.  That her being his long time girlfriend is good enough for the mother of your child whom you claim to love.  Why oh why are guys so fucking and utterly pathetic to think my beautiful cousin
wouldnt leave his dumb ass is beyond me.  I am rightfully pissed off not the first time he has done this to her.

Oooh and another subject yeah Gavin Lee Coak biggest asshat on the planet thought he could play me like a fool.  Like this chick isn't smart enough to connect the dots and follow the t's.  I went with my gut instinct on this one and followed my nose posted a few things seeing if I would get a bite and I did.  Come to find out he has a gf named Starla Silvestri on facebook that he has been gfs with for awhile after professing his love for me and wanting to come out to see me.  Yeah I realize that even being his friend is a complete waste of time that he will try to manipulate the situation any way he can.  Considering you used to be my best friend and now look at you your an asshat not even worthy of being called a human being thank you GOD for showing me the true error of my ways before I even let that guy ever put a hand on me.  THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Now my dearest friend Blaine is worthy of mention because he is a beautiful soul and a saint.  Married to his lovely wife and treats her with love and respect the way he should.  Thank you thank you god for shining examples of how to act.  My friend online takes care of his wife she just had a baby and he stays up all night with him just to let his wife sleep because she is exhausted and he loves his wife dearly.  Another example.

Sigh why oh why must I be this angry I wanna go to sleep I really really wanna go to sleep just I cant and I feel like I should do something anything to make this feeling go away.  Going to bed so I can pretend that there arent assholes out there trying to get with me just so they can have a conquest...  I am a beautiful person and no you cant have none of this...  I will wait for the right person whom I need to be with for the rest of my life or I will not sleep with you...

Bittersweet Memories

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So today I woke up late because I couldn't sleep not one wink last night no matter how hard I tried just couldn't make myself sleep I was completely restless.  When I finally woke up I felt like I didn't get enough sleep whatsoever so basically I felt completely lethargic.  Trying to figure my whole situation out more get into grips the whole fact that im leaving my mom behind to start over in a place that is completely new to me.  Kinda scary kinda nice but I will know no one there so I will not have any friends to hang out with.  How am I going to occupy myself with the time I have on hand...  I already know what I am going to do just dont know how and the heck im going to go about doing it.

Lisa needed a pick me up today so I took what money I had bought pizza and soda just so we can hang out together.  I think you need to do these things she is a single mother like me dealing with all this crap alone and from one sister to another life is hard.  I can understand how you would get frustrated with being alone in the responsibility of raising kids.  Hell I haven't had any help whatsoever they expect me to be wonder woman and enjoy it I dont.  I can't complain too bad my girls are my world they are these complete beautiful little women who one day will be mothers on their own.  The water got turned off at Lisa's house so she really really really needed to take a shower and if you can imagine how hot it is here and the little babies running around getting into everything.  A shower is a small blessing in disguise you have no idea.   I wont be able to see her for a very very very long time.  I think things happen for a reason that we can't perceive and understanding will come in time.  I know things cycle around a couple of times so if I dont get to see you in real life again there is always facebook.

So many thoughts are running inside my head I dont know what to do and how to do them half the time.  What to say what not to say how to be what not to be.  This viscious circle.  I see this opportunity to be happy if I am bold enough to take it but am I worthy enough to take it is the question?  

The big move

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So yeah im moving soon getting my truck ready tomorrow im going to get rid of stuff that I dont need anymore and downsize what little I have left.  I am kinda sad to get rid of my couches that I love so damm much they have been with me forever.  But really Megan left me with little choice in the matter with her ultimatum she gave her husband.  Im kinda wondering why she is being nice to me all of a sudden you know like maybe her guilt should be kicking in.  I am not mean to her just honestly its not the same anymore she betrayed me in the worst way possible and im pretty sure she doesn't see it.  I am still doing the same things I did before but my heart isnt in it anymore she tries to talk to me and I nod my head but im not really listening.  Im glad for her finally getting off her butt and finishing up her paperwork for her citizenship maybe she will actually contribute to her husband for once and get a job good luck with that.  I will begin my new life with my friends and family in Idaho where I can finally find some stability I desperately need kinda sucks being alone all your life and having to depend on yourself.  I am hoping my stinking car will make it there which I have no doubts been fixing it left and right plus the accidents with my tires made me pay for something that already needed to be replaced.  What can I say im a very popular girl in someones book I guess.  I am very very very tired of being in this position alone been like this longer than it should of been.  I am completely glad im not with James anymore I rarely think of him anymore and why should I.  Those things are in the past now I must look into the future.
I hang  out with a couple of my friends online mostly Bryan who likes to make fun of me everyday sometimes its funny catches me off guard sometimes it pisses me off I think he enjoys the reaction I have.  There will be people I will miss when im out of phone range and internet access.  Im enjoying my access right now when its gone I know I will be kinda lost but I will focus on something new instead of the same ole stuff.  It will force me to get out of this shell that I have put myself in.  I cant wait to hang out with Mary and her family out in Idaho and in Utah.  I really want to be out of this place starring at these four walls is starting to take its toll.  Jill my wonderful friend I will get to see her family after so long and we can have a blast for a few days till I move to Idaho.  Going to be an awesome time our history goes way back a really long time.  When we all looked like sister because I dyed my hair burgandy all the time with my green green eyes and freckles which you cant see because I bleached them off...  I have this huge huge huge anxiety about moving contiplating calling Motau so he can see his daughter before we travel to Idaho.  But I am going to let that be up to Little Cassie it will be her decision to make.  Who knows what will become of all of this I hope that I am making the right decision with leaving my family behind but this is truely a shit hole of a place.  A lot of bad bad memories are here and I dont want to make new ones.  I love and miss my family Anthony, my mom, my grouchy ass grandmother Ola, my brother Ken, Danali, and Joanna who is  about to have a baby...  I am trying to stick around till the baby is born just so I can see that beautiful girl named Faithlynn before I shovel off.  I am scared and hopeful at the same time the unknow is going to be awesome.  I will see a whole new sunset and sunrise in a brand new place.  What more can I say other than the future is bright and lovely place but I must make a place for myself in this world.  I have to try to change the lives of my children and hopefully they can grow into the beautiful people they are.  I do not want them to follow in my footsteps at all and have this burden on them.  I already know I will never get married I will never let someone close to me again I have been burned too many times to try again.  My heart can't handle another heartbreak Megan almost killed me that pain was so damm deep its hard for me to look at her without sorrow.  For what was lost I cant ever replace my trust in her at all.  I am trying to be happy for her in her small success with her citizenship but it isnt in me anymore you know.  I am starring out onto this page wondering what the hell I am to do with my life there are times when I feel like just giving up and dying.  You have no idea how hard it is to be a single mother without hope.  Or not to have family that can help without putting you down for your decisions.  I know when I was in the position to help my family I gave up so much for them my career my life my happiness to make sure they lived.  My brother it has always been give me give me and I haven't ever denied him although we have our differences I have never hesitated to help him when he has asked for a place to stay even knowing he was on drugs.
Right now I feel really really sad you know like I shouldn't be in this place for much longer but I keep on going for my kids.  I know I am not the perfect mother I cuss to much and I lose my temper when I feel like they are disrespecting me.  But I love my kids like no ones business.  They are the ones that make me a better person I wouldn't be here if it wasnt for them.  My beautiful daughter Cassie amazes me everyday with how much she is like her father and I.  The anime cracks me up because thats totally both of us parents passion.  I am trying to get into new things I just dont know where to begin.  I will be pushing away people again because when I am out there how in the hell am I going to contact them cellphone will not be an option till I get a job.  So I leave this in the same exact place as where I begin Im still lost and clinging to the life I have but I have no motivation to begin another sad really...

This just keeps getting better and better

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So if you think she would actually leave me alone and quit her shit yeah right this wouldn't be Megan she actually had the nerve to lock the cat in with the bird early in the morning so it could get eat.  Luckily for Kiera she didnt kill my daughters bird otherwise Jeff would be forking over some money for a tame rare bird little does Megan know we got a discount with that bird cause I know the owner and they got me there sweetest tamest bird possible and recommend that bird to me.  I kinda of don't get her deal seriously have I went out of my way to hurt you!?  Answers no.  Hell I have asked if you want to go walking with me like old times and I got snapped at for asking and she went to her room im like really if you want to just get bigger thats fine with me but you dont have to be a bitch about it.  Kinda tired of her attitude problem she has been sporting for a really long time and blaming blaming blaming everyone else yes woman you can control yourself but you cant control anyone else its impossible.  You can control how you react to people places and things but you cant control everyone in your household.  I realize how she is being im pretty sure she is going to Maryann and saying how we are so terrible and making her life a living hell.  Lets discuss this.  Honestly whens the last time you actually got off your ass to clean?  A every sunday I power clean the bathroom and the kitchen which includes sweeping mopping scrubbing toilets sinks mirrors and worst of all that damm kitty litter thats seems to be everywhere since you wont get off your ass to pick it up.  Should be part of the whole cleanup kitty litter process cause everymorning when your barefoot going to the bathroom you step on it kinda gross if you ask me and every three days im sweeping this shit up so as to not have to step on it.  Now whens the last time you actually cleaned out the shower?   Hmm I would say over a month probally longer cause I haven't actually seen her clean other than her normal chores of dishes three times a week.  Not going to clean the livingroom cause hell its a hint to actually get up and clean probally not going to do it if I know her the only times she cleans if someone is expected over and then she makes a big fuss of actually cleaning and I let her do it by herself.  Cause hell I do it once a week you can too but thats too much to ask.  Jeff and I have had this conversation about her not cleaning the day we discussed me moving and her ultimatum and yes Megan I know about the ultimatum you gave Jeff like you would actually move to Canada no one would support you there but your parents and you like your freedom with Jeff.  I know she has gotten my letter to leave me alone isnt rocket science but dont try to be petty with me im not even going to sink to your level hell I couldn't if I tried not in me to be a complete asshat like your acting.  You ask her an innocent question like hey are you going to cook and she jumps down your throat saying crap at you.  Normally I ask because she never plans on cooking or setting anything out she has grown lazy about doing this you use to complain that you had to do it 7 days a week I get here and now im mostly doing it without complaint and you take it for granted.  I have been your friend for awhile been there when Garnet left your ass and you shit on me like its nothing.  Hell I took you to the gym while you bitched at me your going to die and pushed you cause I know you overeat and if I make you tired enough you will go to sleep instead of eating.  Honestly it worked for awhile and since I cant pay for my gym membership anymore she hasnt bothered going blaming it on Jeff that she has to stay up with him all night.  Honestly this finger pointing is getting tedious dont you think you can go look in the mirror and say hey im lazy I dont want to lose weight cause Jeff would put up with it cause he loves you.  Stop for the love of God pointing those damm fingers at us and take into account what your actions are cause where I stand the shit is getting thick here.  If you wonder why I avoid you the moment you get up is because I can already tell by the way you walk what mood you are in and yes I can tell when you are in a good mood which lately it is rare cause you blame shit on us.  How far do you think that shit is going to fly when we are gone and your still acting the same.  You forget I know what you did to Garnet and how you acted over there hell you told Gavin and I in vent how you acted I have not forgotten.  So im telling you for your own good MEGAN cause I know your reading this probally mad at this point I still love you no matter how shitty of a person you have become but if you dont change your attitude problem eventually even Jeff is going to get tired of your shit and leave you and ship you back to your own country.  When im telling you to shut up is because your screaming at me at the top of your voice getting angry and cussing at me told me already three times the same thing you wanted to tell me.  So you think you can not spit at me when you talk that would be so damm nice you have no idea.  Another thing none of us like it when you bend over in nothing but a tshirt showing off your girl bits it actually creeps us out you have no idea.  Ever wonder why I dont respond while your in a towel at my door that doesnt cover all your nekkid skin?  Or I try to hurry up the conversation so you will get dressed?  Im asking you to stop we wont be here much longer but your shittiness needs to stop and stop fast or I will call the cops the next time your out of control I mean this and then you can actually get the help you need like anger management and some medication for your depression and mood swings....  You remind me of my mother who was coming off drugs with how fast your mood swings and you dont give warning signs usually your just a nuclear bomb going off.  Try chilling a bit before you open your mouth would be so damm nice cause literally I dont know how much I can take before I snap right back at you.  You have no idea how long I have wanted to tell you this.  I just instead talk to Jeff who refuses to say anything in front of me on how crappy your behavior is told me he would talk to you in private.  Good luck with that one.  If you want to have any kind of friends Megan cussing at them A is very bad B spitting while talking disgusting C dont yell try whispering we will strain to try to hear you D learn to control your temper E stop being a bitch please I liked you better when you werent trying to be mean and rude all the time just because you can F.  Put some tlc when you cook stop trying to hurry through a process so you can get it done as fast as you can.  G stop looking for something to yell at us for when you arent so great yourself.  H.  Start cleaning your house dont let me do it just because you dont want to go out your room that excuse is getting tired and annoying.  We are in our room most of the time because of you or havent you figured that out.  I stopped wanting to hang out with you because you were being a bitch all the time and no matter what I said you took it wrong even if its with good intentions.

I dont want to argue with my best friend which is the reason for the longest time I have kepted my mouth shut and not said a word as you go all Tyrant on everyone in the house specially if you have to clean or cook.  I am still your friend but Girl you need a wake up call and fast this finger pointing at other people and not taking the blame for your actions is ridiculous.  Try helping cleaning cause im getting tired of you just not helping and complaining when your not putting in any effort to do so if you wondering how the house magically gets clean we dont have house elves it just Cassie cleaning it while you do nothing but complain get off your ass and help.  I will complain again to Jeff about your lack of motivation in cleaning and just being a general asshat.  The moment you cross me again im going directly to Jeff to say something your rude imma go to Jeff for now on so you can see how mean your being.  Grow up already and stop being a bitch its uncalled for I have helped you while you have been sick for awhile and this is what I get in return shitty ass behavior.  Quit it before I cant like you anymore?!

Sincerely Cassandra

The Truth hurts....

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So Megan gave Jeff an ultimatum for either us to leave or she was going back to Canada or to Maryanns shakes head oh really.  You can't see that I hide in my room because your always rude, cussing, yelling, and looking for something that we are doing wrong so you can jump down our throat.  She tried to lie to me directly to my face that it was because they were going to have their daughter in the house.  But Jeff told me the truth which reminds me why I liked him in the first place he choose to tell me the truth that Megan my best friend decided that we needed to leave.  I guess being  house elf to Megan while she lets me do all the house work but cooking or cleaning three times a week this is only the dishes otherwise she only cleans the cat litter box.  When I first moved into here she didnt do anything I was cleaning everything even when she wasnt sick I would cook or clean.  It was only when I said something that she actually started helping me out than that wasn't good enough she continued to be rude yell or cuss at me.  I told her many times to knock it off but when Megan is on one of those rolls she likes to roll with her attitude problem and the rest just duck and cover.  Jeff told me the reason why she didnt want us here Jade is terribad this I know Megan cant stand kids that act like kids she expects them to be quiet and not say a word good luck with that.  So now I have until August before school starts to get an apartment good luck with that if you cant find a job but whatever Megan wants Megan gets.  Im going to be staying in my room even more now whats the point of trying to make nice with a Tyrant who only cusses at you and blames you for all her problems.  I stand up for myself as she has been snapping and cussing at everyone all day.  Now she has gone and done the most shitty of shittiest of things she can do which is make me lose my kids because I dont have a place to take them cant get a place if you dont have a job with verifiable income.  But since she doesnt work and stays home and does nothing she doesnt understand that concept she is taken care of while the house elf does the work.  THANKS MEGAN I APPRECIATE HOW BACK STABBY YOU ARE.  So if she thought that I ignored her before the silent treatment is going to be started from here on forth once I lose my kids im done completely no if ands or buts.

I can see why she bought me clothes so she can free the house elf without guilt....  but i didnt get socks...

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::
Have you ever just felt restless like there is something your supposed to be doing but your not doing it?  Its getting worse this feeling maybe its the fact that im stuck in a room with my roommate going around throwing her weight around literally.  When she is in those moods we hide from her literally trying to stay out of her way normally its when she has to clean.  You can see the aura of her anger coming off her in waves everything just literally pisses her off you cant blame it on pms because she isnt bleeding.  Personally I think if she is getting laid and thats not helping her attitude problem than she needs to be medicated.  Asking her today to send a recipe to Bryan ended her given me a dirty look and complaining that staying up all night having to type the recipe for a friend really?  If looks could kill I would be dead then she storms in my room demanding the email address of Bryan then she shuts the door in my face without a word.  Comes back in a while later with its sent and another dirty ass look!  She was cussing at Jade for being a kid its like come on she isnt allowed to go watch a show because it would piss off Cassie and Megan went on and on about how Jade was going to annoy Cassie.  I was like really are you listening to yourself cuss at my kid like its actually okay to cuss at my child.  I pity the kids you have you have no damm patience whatsoever and saying thats its different when you have kids hahaha no that doesnt work and your going to turn into MOMMY DEAREST watch out for the wire hangers.  I think the kicker on the cake was when we are sitting at Dinner Table eating the food she prepared and her complaining that since we moved there that her blood pressure being high was our fault.  That was like really being overweight has absolutely nothing to do with your health problems?  I already know about whatever is supposedly passed down between your gene pool from your parentals but really things would improve if you lost a little bit of weight and werent so damm grouchy all the time.  I have watched you literally snap at people in restaurants because they didnt get your food right and im looking at you telling you its not right ME who is way to rude as well but thats going to far.  Just because its your house doesnt mean you can be a bitch and its okay literally snapping at everyone like poprocks without ever appologizing I had to tell you to knock it off twice today and you still didnt stop.  I went so far as to bring my food in my room and eat it because being in the same room with you was very toxic.  I can imagine what Sergio had to go thru with you as you were being rude to him the last days he was in the house.  I should of known what you would start doing to us because you can and thinking you have the right to do so.  I think people start to forget where they came from and what blessings they have and how lucky they have it.  Moral of the story Megan is if you dont have nothing nice to say keep your damm mouth shut its beginning to get out of control.  Unless you want me to tell you everytime your being a bitch and calling it out I would suggest you knock it off.  I dont even say anything when you dont clean the bathroom that I do everyweek or the kitchen floors being mopped or when your gone the livingroom I clean because I know your not going to do it.  I did it alot in the beginning to help you but you took advantage of it until I said something.  Now its like your have an attitude about everything you should probally focus more on the fact that one you still havent gotten your Alien Card in my country nor do you plan to because your scared.  Your allowing your husband to do everything without so much as really trying to help him what happens if he gets hurt where is the money going to come from.

Enough about psycho roommates who need to be medicated literally cause obviously sex isnt helping her....
I looked for work again called the usual temp agencies hoping they would send me out I want to work gods do I want to get out of her.  Tired of being crapped on by my roommate who thinks she is in the right cussing at my kids you should see her face turn red and the profanities spew forth.....   Im about ready to give up this overwhelming feeling is continuing only gets worse the more Megan continues her shit makes wish for death.  LET ME GET A JOB PLEASE GOD I WANT OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE AND MY BITCHY ROOMMATE.  Not cool when your always hiding in your room.

That offer of  being someones Mistress being taken cared of, free car, unlimited spending, and roof over my head is looking better and better.  All I have to do is have sex not a hard thing to do considering what the pay off is and getting out of here without it ending in ugly words cause its heading that way.

Only thing is I dont want to have sex whats the point really ends the same me usually getting the ugly end of the stick or worse a std <eyes big>.  Ever feel like your dammed if you do dammed if you dont cause right now thats what im feeling like this ever heavy weight on my soul that doesnt go away.  The saddest thing is that I feel this loneliness like im the only person on the planet more so with Megan being the way she is and us being more distant to each other not by choice I cant stand to be shit on in my own house either and yes its my house as well I pay rent here.  She told me not so long ago that I would never be married and I believe her who would have me?  No matter how cool I am or how that person might love me hell even James left...  She pointed out that Jade would ruin it being bad or Cassie would ruin it just being her can't argue with that kind of logic.  So got another text would just really puts my already feeling of hopelessness to its breaking point hows your  bj's really people really?  Not hi Cassie how are you doing but hows your bjs?!  Makes me wonder if there are really aliens posing as human beings because you definetly not human?!  No one is ever going to see past my outer shell its going to be the death of me I know it.  This hopelessness is growing my mother is depressed and I cant seem to help her fight her way out of it.  I dont like that my mother cries or lives on the damm porch in my grandmothers house because my grandma is mean and viscious.  She doesnt have the patience for someone who is mentally challenged at the moment.  My mother used to be this larger than life person moving mountains and making magic around her.  So damm determined she was to try to make it made me wonder where she got her strength from.  I have some of it not enough apparently because I somehow lost my mojo or spark and dont know how to get it back.  Im going to go to bed probally going to ignore again a lot of people just so I dont have to tell them of my situation its depressing.  Hopefully next week Ill get a job and things can start going back to normal where im in my own damm house and can actually make noise in the morning because my roommates stay up all night.  Not normal waking up noon everyday sorry its not!

Ever wished that someone would just sweep you off your feet and help you the fuck out of wonderland cause Alice has had enough of the Queen of Hearts she is trying to cut my head off....  Along with everyone else shouldn't of followed that damm rabbit down the hole....

Wandering minds and Sleepy thoughts

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So im kinda tired watched a Movie Marathon with Megan today Pirates of the Caribbean today for a couple of hours today back to back because they have the new movie coming out.  I got a gift card for there so ill take my girls there tuesday of next week so we can go see 5 dollar movie matinee whatever and save money lord knows the cost of soda and popcorn is ridiculous.  Took me four movies to actually come up with 100 questions that I didnt already ask plus the constant interuption from Jade kinda sealed the deal for me made it difficult to already put together conscious thought.

I turned back on my phone today probally should call back the peeps I have been avoiding talking to or wanting to hang out.  I dont want to go get drunk I dont want to go get high I dont want to go hang out I think that what they want to do isnt particularly fun at all.  I need to call my mother and see how she is doing and invite her to go see a movie with me just to let her know that we can do something as a family.

I sit here confused on what to write how much to say what little to say where to edit where to exploit all the little thoughts that go thru my head.  I miss my friend Carla I miss my friend Chiengmay I miss my friends whom Im not going to name just because you read my blog but know that I love you all individually some more than other some im in the process as loving as my friends.  I almost didnt renew my cell phone this month on the whole proviso that I had an excuse not to call anyone.  I don't feel like picking up the phone and speaking to people I feel like I should withdrawl completely so that I dont add unneccesary bullshit to other peoples lives just because I cant and wont do something about it.  I really do feel withdrawn from society like im on the outskirts of my life looking in.  Some days are easy spent with laughter and smiling all day.  Others im very frustrated trying to handle everything on my own not saying a word because its easier to smile than to frown at what I cant or wont change.  I know that I still have some growing up to do this I fear will be the death of me.  I am way to impatient for my own good I dont know how to be more patient.  I frown a lot or get angry at the littlest of slights.  I am quick to anger when you piss me off.  Today in a car this black lady was cussing me out wanting to fight and all I could say back to her was lady your handicapped would that be a fair fight.  Like come on really you cut me off and then cuss at me but im supposed to let you disrespect me without saying anything back.  At least her husband was apologizing for her rude behavior.  I just looked at her and smiled my prettiest smile and waved at her.  Which pretty much made her more than pissed at me since she slammed on the brakes in my suv.  Little known fact I have the ugliest white suburban on the planet a serious gas hog eats my money like nothing but it gets me here to there without much complaint.

I really dont want to go to bed I know im tired as all hell but I cant and I wont sleep im restless and I know it.  Im trying to be more calm and more easy going not working but im trying.  All I am asking at the end of the day god is save me from me im my own worst enemy.  I have it good right now I shouldn't complain cause I know for a fact things can be worse I have lived thru worse.  Let me be grateful for the small things that make me wonder make me laugh make me smile.  And forget about those people who only want to bring me down use me or otherwise take from me which isnt theirs in the first place.

Why I woke up today

Mountain Dew
Twizzlers makes mouths happy
Captain Jack Sparrow
Push up Bras to keep the girls exactly where they are supposed to be THANK YOU GOD I HATES BIG BOOBS
Erotic Poetry
Well placed Unendos
Ill timed Kisses
EPIC SEX im still waiting
Tang licked off the body
Web Cams with my friend
Uncontrollable smiling
World of Warcraft
DOG TAGS
Rocky Road Icecream
Little touches in the dark

Are you going to kiss me or not

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

So I did the much needed cleaning of my room sweeping moping the floors tomorrow imma lysol everything with the anti asshole spray lol.  Changed my sheets and pretty much made it the way its supposed to be of course Cassandra disappeared in the whole cleaning process.  Jade looked at me like I was crazy for even suggesting that she help me clean her mess.  I dusted everything again have to clean off my monitor tomorrow and power clean my desk and thats the last of the mess in my room.  Getting pretty tired today was like a blast in a glass over and over again I cracked up.  The conversations that came from shotty ass internet had me laughing so hard that i was on the ground giggling till i cried.  Stuck me so damm funny you have no idea.  SO i wants to see the whole coffee projectal fountain towards offending objects in slow mo.  SLOW MO say it with me one more time SLOW MO.  Imagine if you will quoting different songs titles and I quote Thompson Square Are you going to kiss me or not.  Now here is where fate has a little joke on said monkey who is minding his own business tryng to drink his coffee all by his little lonesome and here comes Cassie IM:  are you going to kiss me or not.  BAMM boy spits coffee all over himself going WTF?  internet cuts off again :MONKEY long pause internet comes back CASSIE IM:  THOMPSON SQUARE I like her hair  MONKEY i just spewed all over myself brb napkins.  Now Cassie still doesnt understand what all the fuss and hoopla is over this entirely innocent conversation looking at him like wtf?  why are you questiong this song?  Was the first thing in my head and he was like umm that statement.  TEE HEE HEE the damm internet messed up on his end and all he saw was that made me smile cause I can only imagine what was going thru his head and how he was going to manuever past the harpy with his body in tact.  Harpy Monkey contract I will not eat him as long as he is entertaining.  No sexual contact will be made to said Monkey unless he wants to be eaten by said HARPY.  lol HARPIES are known to be distracted by the SHINEY and MUSIC luckily for  this HARPY my MONKEY is a few bricks SHY of a HOUSE.  <smiling>  narrows eyes thinks to self I CAN use this to my advantage let the games commence.  <evil laughter>  The benefits of MONKEY are as follows he gets once a month flea dips.  I throw soap on him and throw him in the nearest body of water and hope and pray to god mother fucker knows how to swim if not the collar around his neck I drag back in with a flick of my LEASH.  He hasnt been tagged yet which tomorrow I am so going to remedy the situation and send him his very own dog tags just in case he is ever missing they can return to sender.  HE gets fed all the bananas he wants till his little monkey stomach is full.  He gets scratches behind the ears and petted on his wittle head like all good little monkeys he likes his attention.  Will finish later my brain has suddenly shut down and I needs to sleep...

Exhausted

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::
today I woke up with a complete and utter sore throat Megan woke me up to her Cat SINGING b day card omg its pretty cute. Went shopping with her got two capri pants and two knock out shirts pretty awesome purple and pink black combination megan says they are flashy how else are you going to get distracted unless its to draw attention away from my books hello folks look at my face. I have amazing green eyes that are deep and soulful. Im just waiting for the whole world to catch up to the idea that Im fucking awesome grins. Oh wells people are slow learners and you all cant have Team Cassie T-shirts I guess only the cool ones grins. Did I mention my throat is sore as hell people kepted wanting me to talk to them sad face. I avoided calling my cousin like I should because it was really too painful to talk. Im hella tired you know really tired so this isnt making sense shoot me put me out of my misery. Watching Burlesque show hella cool but I like stuff like that go figure.

Went and walked for an hour while listening to my Ipod sang some danced some just plain was goofy yes I dont care what you think. I was in my own little world for awhile and then I was like three blocks from the house and realized I was starving and headed home All I ate today was my kung pao chicken. Hard to eat when swallowing hurts like a mo fo you have no idea really.

Going to start the book Bryan got me tomorrow I have read all of Megans books already Havent told her cause it would probally make her mad including the new ones smiles I read about two books a day sometimes more sometimes less depending on the nature of the books if they are interesting I consume them easily. I like reading its one of my favorite things to do James use to get mad at me that I would block out everything and just be gone for a few hours he was like how can you read and find that entertaining. Hell idiot how can you not? Smiles but look at where he is at right now and then we can all laugh together.

I feel pretty today I blacked my green eyes so they would pop wore light eyeshadow and a pretty burgandy pink lipstick to match my hair and bow instant hottie again. yeah I know im pretty but Im not conceited may sound like it but I grew up ugly lol this is no joke. I have horror stories growing up and I learned at age 7 to defend myself and my brother till he started in on me to be in the in crowd. Well now look at me asshats you want to date me now but I wont have nothing to do with you go figure.

I end this blog with the same thought I had when I woke up this morning going why me lord why me with my throat on fire and Jades voice going mommy can I cuddle with you. Stayed in bed a little while longer rubbing Jades back till she fell asleep again then listening her snore in my ear was cute because thats our thing either painting nails or cuddling. She hugs me entirely way to much but I guess thats the way Jade is shes a hugger. Walks up to total strangers hugs them or starts a conversation she is fearless that kid.

My chinese fighting fish Mango is currently starring at me intently I think he wants to be fed or something but I fed him this morning. Cassie would kill me if I killed her fish from over feeding the poor bugger. Cause everytime I move my hands he swims to the surface acting like there is something there and then stares at me. Kinda creeps me out a little Im like i wont look away first hell no fish your not going to win this battle of wills. But Mango has home field advantage if I dont blink my eyes dry up for the lack of moisture. If he keeps his eyes open he is lubricated already no fair no fair no fair.

Gots to put poetry in this new book I bought Jade wrote all over the one Blaine gave me when I turned 21 So I have to find another lined book to put in there. I still love its awesome green cover its amazing the celtic design on its priceless. I have to put my besties poetry in there so if something happens to my damm computer I can read his shit and be amused bewildered and awed by the fact that some human can capture moments like that and put it to pen and paper. Im amazed and awed by him completely you have no idea. I am this lucky girl who decided to strike up a conversation with a random stranger one night in vent and discover this amazing person. I have an awesome friend I know this he is going to be one of those essential people you know. I cant wait till he gets married so I can see all the little spawn that come from him and her so I can see how wonderful they are going to be you know. I think tonight I will pray for someone for him so he can be happy again or ask god to send his girl back down to him again. I believe in Second chances why cant he have it?

I was thinking about the love thing and who in this life when I die was the love of my life. Pretty easy only one person has captured my heart I still love him. I love my friends and past lovers dont get me wrong but the first cut is the deepest. Where you give your all to a person who either loves you back or they dont. In this case he didnt love me enough to tell the truth. I cant listen to All 4 One without crying. When your a girl growing up with your mom being beaten on by your dad you pretty much have a clear understanding how guys arent supposed to act. I told myself that I would never let a man hit me without fucking the ever living shit out of him in return. This has been the case all my life you touch me I guarantee that whatever touches me imma break the fucker off. My mother is traumatized from this from a very young age I cant ever let someone belittle me or disrespect me my hand punches your dumb ass in the face without thinking knee jerk reaction. To my shitty ass father Marvin Charles Morris next time I see your ass imma kick it you owe my mother an appology for being a complete and utter shit. I try hard not to act like you my mother says its in my nature to be bad I believe her my father has been in and out of prisons and I have tried hard not to follow in his footsteps. Knock on wood I am nothing like him I am more then afraid that I am like my mother. My temper isnt as bad as my mother she doesnt think about hitting people she just does it. I usually can see the signs before I go apeshit unless it has something to do with my kids.

Hmm my list of why I woke up

chocolate cake with red frosting
poetry
wanted sex but didnt get it my choice
world of warcraft
hanging with my friends
my everyday cuddle session with jade
books
green tea with lemon honey and sugar
cinnamon raison bagel with cream cheese
The color purple
Nail polish my addiction is growing
Pictures that I want to see
Listening to my favorite person talk 

The Boyfriend List of Qualities

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

1.   Good sense of humor you might not find me funny but enjoy some kind of humor
2.   Loyalty is a must dont try to play a girl out just because you can
3.   Sincere in your actions and words just dont do or say anything just to appease me
4.   Must like videogames this is one of my favorite past times other than online games or board games please please dont complain at me if I am doing this
5.   Must read a book of some kind I dont expect you to be a book worm but I dont want to be bothered if I am faraway in a book its my time let me enjoy it.
6.   HAVE A JOB OMG this is self evident...
7.   Intelligent I dont expect you to win a your local contest on who is the smartest but brains is a very good thing.
8.   Sweet natured being mean to me wont win you any points just makes me wanna ignore you more
9.   Writes or appreciates Poetry
10. Honesty a requirement
11. Trustworthy in words and deeds
12. Great kisser cause if you drool or suck at it gods shudders
13. Cuddles love it when they hold you at night
14. Holds your hand in public
15. Hugs
16. Willing to please your partner
17. Willing to compromise
18. Good looking not a must but it helps
19. Loves me flawed and all
20. A beautiful Soul

Harpies vs Monkies

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

I haven't written in awhile not that I dont have nothing to say I just don't want everyone in my business but peeps keep bugging me to write so here I am.  I am writing poetry again and no im not dating Gavin he called me the other day to tell me someone died I was like really I dont really care.  Dont speak to me only time you do is when you are having problems and if you listened to me in the first place I might be able to help you negotiate out of shit but regardless your young you will have to beat your head against a wall before it sinks in.

Still haven't found a job kinda depresses me out because im know im skilled but regardless I would of thought my sparkling good humor and my looks would get me in the door lol.  My friends tell me to go where a short skirt and some high heels like I would ever stoop that low to do that cracks up.  My resume has been sent and still nothing kinda makes me feel like im doomed you know.  Tired of sitting home afraid to spend money because what if something happens I must prepare for the inevitable fuckups that are bound to happen.

Ooooh before I totally totally forget one of my besties aka Monkey aka Bryan sent me this totally cool box full of goodies I looked at it and was like damm.  Kind of amazes me that there are people out in the world who do nice shit for the sake of doing them you know.  I thought I was the only one who did that to make people smile.  I was kinda taken back you know pleasantly surprised it was kinda like xmas except I didnt have to leave cookies out for santa.  I went to go buy the stuff for cookies but megan lost my card and I have to wait 10 days for a new one kinda made me mad but what can you do.  I was going to surprise my bestie with three dozen of cookies chocolate chip yummy...  Try to return the favor with something I know I can totally pull off I just have to figure out how to ship cookies to Germany.  He surprises me he writes the most beautiful peotry I have ever seen since Jason Freston.  Thats where I learned to write was from Freston I found his poetry book one day he left it in my back back when he was getting my school books together and I think he did it on purpose.  I really wish I could share some of the stuff but I cant I made a promise but oh my god that boy has the talent.  Visually its brings you into the situation with this beautiful verbal scenery sometimes it makes me cry others make me laugh.  Some are hauntingly sweet and lovely to his wife who most of been one special person to be given the most thought provoking poetry ever.  I want to be loved like that to be cherished and know your loved  it amazes me.  Makes me strong to keep not settling for bullshit guys and just wait for the right one and not settle for whatever comes my way.  Gavin was a serious lesson of what not to do and who not to trust. I am afraid I can admit this freely I have walked away from love because he lied to me and I dont think I should of given him a second chance when he abandoned his kid in the first place and you know you did.  I know that I am a big softie when it comes to peeps I love.  Some people are fast becoming new loves that I love as my friends who will become family whether they like it or not.  You dont get to choose your family but you get to choose friends who become your family like lost cousins or something.

So I have been hanging out with Bryan whom is my henchman playing world of warcraft its always a blast and he doesnt mind my humor.  He pointed out that Im overly sexual but he is the one commenting that I use the word suck alot.  I think its his brain all screwed up and he is just laying the blame on me smiles.  Okay I can admit the bantering is fun and im enjoying myself its all in good fun as long as someone doesnt lose an eye we are all good.  Thanks Bryan your making wow totally fun.

Hmm what to say I have a damm cold my throat hurts like hell been drinking green tea with lemon and honey all day to combat it.  Spraying my throat with chloraseptic which has codine in it im highly allergic to so I had to take an antihistamine to combat my throat closing up yeah win win today lol.  Just was trying to cool the damm burning in my throat which the symptons came on in just one day thank you Jade and Cassie for bringing home the plague I resisted it for two weeks but damm I had to miss step somewhere because im paying for it now.  I have this huge headache so I probally didnt handle it well when Gavin called complaining about his problems.  I was moody pissy and bitchy sad face but I was like damm boy you only text me when you have no one else well im not here anymore jerk.  I have tried to be there for you but you push me away again and again saying im too helpful how in the hell can I be too helpful?  WTH?!

Anyways gearing out my Mage Exoticmage almost done got two more stuff to add to it and then its done happy face.  Then its the fucked up pally which I hate that does piss poor dps and is embarrassing Im sticking it out but doesnt mean I have to like it one little bit.

Good night much love