You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::
So yeah im moving soon getting my truck ready tomorrow im going to get rid of stuff that I dont need anymore and downsize what little I have left. I am kinda sad to get rid of my couches that I love so damm much they have been with me forever. But really Megan left me with little choice in the matter with her ultimatum she gave her husband. Im kinda wondering why she is being nice to me all of a sudden you know like maybe her guilt should be kicking in. I am not mean to her just honestly its not the same anymore she betrayed me in the worst way possible and im pretty sure she doesn't see it. I am still doing the same things I did before but my heart isnt in it anymore she tries to talk to me and I nod my head but im not really listening. Im glad for her finally getting off her butt and finishing up her paperwork for her citizenship maybe she will actually contribute to her husband for once and get a job good luck with that. I will begin my new life with my friends and family in Idaho where I can finally find some stability I desperately need kinda sucks being alone all your life and having to depend on yourself. I am hoping my stinking car will make it there which I have no doubts been fixing it left and right plus the accidents with my tires made me pay for something that already needed to be replaced. What can I say im a very popular girl in someones book I guess. I am very very very tired of being in this position alone been like this longer than it should of been. I am completely glad im not with James anymore I rarely think of him anymore and why should I. Those things are in the past now I must look into the future.
I hang out with a couple of my friends online mostly Bryan who likes to make fun of me everyday sometimes its funny catches me off guard sometimes it pisses me off I think he enjoys the reaction I have. There will be people I will miss when im out of phone range and internet access. Im enjoying my access right now when its gone I know I will be kinda lost but I will focus on something new instead of the same ole stuff. It will force me to get out of this shell that I have put myself in. I cant wait to hang out with Mary and her family out in Idaho and in Utah. I really want to be out of this place starring at these four walls is starting to take its toll. Jill my wonderful friend I will get to see her family after so long and we can have a blast for a few days till I move to Idaho. Going to be an awesome time our history goes way back a really long time. When we all looked like sister because I dyed my hair burgandy all the time with my green green eyes and freckles which you cant see because I bleached them off... I have this huge huge huge anxiety about moving contiplating calling Motau so he can see his daughter before we travel to Idaho. But I am going to let that be up to Little Cassie it will be her decision to make. Who knows what will become of all of this I hope that I am making the right decision with leaving my family behind but this is truely a shit hole of a place. A lot of bad bad memories are here and I dont want to make new ones. I love and miss my family Anthony, my mom, my grouchy ass grandmother Ola, my brother Ken, Danali, and Joanna who is about to have a baby... I am trying to stick around till the baby is born just so I can see that beautiful girl named Faithlynn before I shovel off. I am scared and hopeful at the same time the unknow is going to be awesome. I will see a whole new sunset and sunrise in a brand new place. What more can I say other than the future is bright and lovely place but I must make a place for myself in this world. I have to try to change the lives of my children and hopefully they can grow into the beautiful people they are. I do not want them to follow in my footsteps at all and have this burden on them. I already know I will never get married I will never let someone close to me again I have been burned too many times to try again. My heart can't handle another heartbreak Megan almost killed me that pain was so damm deep its hard for me to look at her without sorrow. For what was lost I cant ever replace my trust in her at all. I am trying to be happy for her in her small success with her citizenship but it isnt in me anymore you know. I am starring out onto this page wondering what the hell I am to do with my life there are times when I feel like just giving up and dying. You have no idea how hard it is to be a single mother without hope. Or not to have family that can help without putting you down for your decisions. I know when I was in the position to help my family I gave up so much for them my career my life my happiness to make sure they lived. My brother it has always been give me give me and I haven't ever denied him although we have our differences I have never hesitated to help him when he has asked for a place to stay even knowing he was on drugs.
Right now I feel really really sad you know like I shouldn't be in this place for much longer but I keep on going for my kids. I know I am not the perfect mother I cuss to much and I lose my temper when I feel like they are disrespecting me. But I love my kids like no ones business. They are the ones that make me a better person I wouldn't be here if it wasnt for them. My beautiful daughter Cassie amazes me everyday with how much she is like her father and I. The anime cracks me up because thats totally both of us parents passion. I am trying to get into new things I just dont know where to begin. I will be pushing away people again because when I am out there how in the hell am I going to contact them cellphone will not be an option till I get a job. So I leave this in the same exact place as where I begin Im still lost and clinging to the life I have but I have no motivation to begin another sad really...
So yeah im moving soon getting my truck ready tomorrow im going to get rid of stuff that I dont need anymore and downsize what little I have left. I am kinda sad to get rid of my couches that I love so damm much they have been with me forever. But really Megan left me with little choice in the matter with her ultimatum she gave her husband. Im kinda wondering why she is being nice to me all of a sudden you know like maybe her guilt should be kicking in. I am not mean to her just honestly its not the same anymore she betrayed me in the worst way possible and im pretty sure she doesn't see it. I am still doing the same things I did before but my heart isnt in it anymore she tries to talk to me and I nod my head but im not really listening. Im glad for her finally getting off her butt and finishing up her paperwork for her citizenship maybe she will actually contribute to her husband for once and get a job good luck with that. I will begin my new life with my friends and family in Idaho where I can finally find some stability I desperately need kinda sucks being alone all your life and having to depend on yourself. I am hoping my stinking car will make it there which I have no doubts been fixing it left and right plus the accidents with my tires made me pay for something that already needed to be replaced. What can I say im a very popular girl in someones book I guess. I am very very very tired of being in this position alone been like this longer than it should of been. I am completely glad im not with James anymore I rarely think of him anymore and why should I. Those things are in the past now I must look into the future.
I hang out with a couple of my friends online mostly Bryan who likes to make fun of me everyday sometimes its funny catches me off guard sometimes it pisses me off I think he enjoys the reaction I have. There will be people I will miss when im out of phone range and internet access. Im enjoying my access right now when its gone I know I will be kinda lost but I will focus on something new instead of the same ole stuff. It will force me to get out of this shell that I have put myself in. I cant wait to hang out with Mary and her family out in Idaho and in Utah. I really want to be out of this place starring at these four walls is starting to take its toll. Jill my wonderful friend I will get to see her family after so long and we can have a blast for a few days till I move to Idaho. Going to be an awesome time our history goes way back a really long time. When we all looked like sister because I dyed my hair burgandy all the time with my green green eyes and freckles which you cant see because I bleached them off... I have this huge huge huge anxiety about moving contiplating calling Motau so he can see his daughter before we travel to Idaho. But I am going to let that be up to Little Cassie it will be her decision to make. Who knows what will become of all of this I hope that I am making the right decision with leaving my family behind but this is truely a shit hole of a place. A lot of bad bad memories are here and I dont want to make new ones. I love and miss my family Anthony, my mom, my grouchy ass grandmother Ola, my brother Ken, Danali, and Joanna who is about to have a baby... I am trying to stick around till the baby is born just so I can see that beautiful girl named Faithlynn before I shovel off. I am scared and hopeful at the same time the unknow is going to be awesome. I will see a whole new sunset and sunrise in a brand new place. What more can I say other than the future is bright and lovely place but I must make a place for myself in this world. I have to try to change the lives of my children and hopefully they can grow into the beautiful people they are. I do not want them to follow in my footsteps at all and have this burden on them. I already know I will never get married I will never let someone close to me again I have been burned too many times to try again. My heart can't handle another heartbreak Megan almost killed me that pain was so damm deep its hard for me to look at her without sorrow. For what was lost I cant ever replace my trust in her at all. I am trying to be happy for her in her small success with her citizenship but it isnt in me anymore you know. I am starring out onto this page wondering what the hell I am to do with my life there are times when I feel like just giving up and dying. You have no idea how hard it is to be a single mother without hope. Or not to have family that can help without putting you down for your decisions. I know when I was in the position to help my family I gave up so much for them my career my life my happiness to make sure they lived. My brother it has always been give me give me and I haven't ever denied him although we have our differences I have never hesitated to help him when he has asked for a place to stay even knowing he was on drugs.
Right now I feel really really sad you know like I shouldn't be in this place for much longer but I keep on going for my kids. I know I am not the perfect mother I cuss to much and I lose my temper when I feel like they are disrespecting me. But I love my kids like no ones business. They are the ones that make me a better person I wouldn't be here if it wasnt for them. My beautiful daughter Cassie amazes me everyday with how much she is like her father and I. The anime cracks me up because thats totally both of us parents passion. I am trying to get into new things I just dont know where to begin. I will be pushing away people again because when I am out there how in the hell am I going to contact them cellphone will not be an option till I get a job. So I leave this in the same exact place as where I begin Im still lost and clinging to the life I have but I have no motivation to begin another sad really...
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