I talked to Carla today first time in awhile. I missed the song of her voice! She had a little girl named Alloira. I was so happy I could have cried. A little girl out there in the world has my name. So damm cool its not even funny! Another beutiful girl named after me the world is a better place grins. Now if any one of you peeps out there want to name your kid after me feel free to do so. Its just special cause my girl did this for me. Wow I got the warm fuzzies right now. Grins. Life is good. On a sour note my damm cell phone got disconnected because the guys at sprint PCS suck rocks they should be hurt very severely with a bag of rocks. Not only did they cut off my phone time last night I almost fell asleep cause I was just that damm tired. Why me dear lord why me?!!!! Grins. Oh well it makes it so that I can't bother peeps and they can't be stuck talking to me on the phone. On a really cool note my best friend Carla and Cliff are moving out here permeantly in September right around my B-day so that should be so FUCKING cool its unreal. Better than sex I say. Like better than all the chocolate in the world. And for me thats saying a good deal. In two days my life has changed so much its not funny. I finally stop taking all the crap that I take from Brandon. He knows for sure not to mess with this queen bitch ever again. Which needed to be done. Grins I am evil and I know it.

Now this is saying a whole fucking lot. My best friend Jason is currently cleaning his room. Not only is that a real first in history its a fucking phenominal thing in history. He never cleans his room. I have almost died in just walking a few inches in his room. I have tripped and falling over and got a huge ass bump on my head before. Thank god I didn't pass the fuck out but I didn't. I just hanged tough and tried not to pass out. Usually was the time I messed a little of his stuff up like moving it around the junk pile in his room. I can't stand messy stuff it bothers me completely. Not much can help his poor room. But he actually has a bed. A thing without it sitting on the floor. Laughs I know hell is freezing over right at this moment!!!!! Thanks a bunch Freston you cleaning your room says so much that even a thousand I love you's couldn't compare. You one in a million and even then the number doesn't fit you. (Happy Grin) Tomorrow around 3 or 4 I will be sitting in a car traveling from SLC to Provo Utah or maybe its Orem?! In Causeys car with Jey. Pretty cool stuff considering I haven't seen Jey in like forever and Causey hell never. Then I will get to go to a party at Eros house?! A little get together to hang out with some friends of Jey's. Am I lucky or what. Hopefully in this time I will be not so damm tired that I fall asleep at my feet. Cause I have to work the night before and I will be dammed tired.

My creativity is in a slump because I think its from lack of sleep and not enough time in the day. I am so like not wanting to sleep its not funny. Once I am awake I am awake. Nothing besides 2 hours of completely sexual bliss is going to get this girl to knock out. DId I mention the sex????

I can't wait to be part of Sandman's life even if its only a little while. He is a strange and wonderful person. A true joy to be around. I only wish his ass was living close to me so I could bug him more. I miss the wheezy little guy. Kisses your forehead. I can wait to hang out and sit in his room for awhile. Just to drool all over his art work. I will definetly not get any drool on it cause I do believe that I would be dead. yes I mean this literally he would kill me folks no that isn't a misprint or anything. Muah I love you a ton!

Now Jason Sims who I get to talk to on the off chance he is on line. pretty cool guy. Grins he cracks me up. The funny faces he makes on the computer. Thanks a bunch sims. Grins. I can't wait to eat some of your Bar B Q. Yummy yummy yummy.

A litte known fact that when I get really tired I get really silly. I start cracking jokes because if other people are not making noise I will fall asleep. And in my line of business you can't fall asleep a resident might do something naughty to you. I was so damm tired tonight it wasn't even funny. I had everybody laughing and cackling at my stupidity it was so hilarious. Grins. Things are looking up. I do not know if I will be able to post anything after today. Maybe Freston will be a dear and let me use his computer to post my exploits and adventures while I am down there. But a scary thing is he doesn't like anybody touching his computer. Thats kind of scary. hercules over here gets touched by everyone that comes into the house. Damm computer gets more action then I do. Oh well guys I am tired right now and I need to get as much rest as I can before tonight cause I will not be getting any sleep tomorrow. Sigh. I am so screwed when it comes to sleep its not even funny. Help me dear lord help me. Well I love you all. Jason, Ari, Lisle, Blaine (wife kids included) , Jason, Cassandra, Alloira, Carla, Cliff, Zachery, Brandon, my mother, Kenny, Denise, Larry, Justin, Moe, George, Misty, SIre, Miss Faye and her kids, Hell I am too tired to mention all of you right now. But know that I love you all very much without you Cassie's life would be so small indeed. With you her life is great and wonderful thing. Muah kisses all your little foreheads. Goodnight... Going to go crawl into my bed and pass out. Ahhh blankets and the sound of a high powered fan and the ooooooooooh so lovely A?C. How in the hell did women live back then without A/c no wonder the ladies fainted out back then. NO A/C and the silly clothes they like to wear is ridicules its not even funny!!! Well I am outta here going to sleep naked. he he he he.....nods off.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................zzzzzzz....................................zzzzzz..............................................................zzzzzzz...................................zzzzzz..............................................................................................................zzzzzzz........................................................................................................zzzzzzz................................................................................................................................zzzzzzzz.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................zzzzzzz.........................................................................................................you get the point I am falling asleep grins.................................................................................................zzzzz.......

A song has been going through my head grins. I get knocked down but I get up again you aint never going to keep me down I get knocked down but I get up again you aint never going to keep me down. You know what I say the most everyday. Can't change it so fuck it not literally of course but just let it slide off your skin because why hell not?!! I got wonderful friends like George and Misty to keep me cheered up and seeing things straight. (smiles thanks a hell of a lot) Laughs I went to pick up the phone and call them and guess what the phone rngs. Laughs cause I am just that damm good. IT was George and Misty wanting to walk tonight when I was going to call them in the first place. Great minds think a like huh?!!! I am in a really good mood why Hell I dont even knw. But why let Brandon get me down because he wants to be a shit before I go?! Guilty hell no I deserve this. I have worked my ass off and have gotten nothing in return but a lot of bullshit. Oh well payday will come later. Well I love you all and I am thinking of you all. Talk to you later. Feel free to make a comment. That is what the sqwauk box is for dammit!!!! Muah Laters....Goodnight

Aaaah the moment Cassie lives for a little round the round with Brandon. He threatened me today which is not good. He threatened to take away Zack because I got tired of his shit and asked him to leave. He told me to make him and I said just get the fuck out thats it thats all. This started because he was going to go do laundry and I wanted him to wash my running shoes. Running shoes dammit. He said it was not a necessity. I pay for just about everything including most of the rent ultilities etc etc. At least you can do is wash my fucking shoes. I am to the point of not caring. I am going to talk to Myna Friday at work to see if I can get a ride to and from work cause she just lives down the street. I fucking hate being pushed into a situation where I can't control the minute aspects of my life. I am not asking for much. If you love me then fine love me but I do not want to live my life in sin! I that to much to ask to be married so that having sex doesn't make you feel guilty or evil? Am I the only person on the planet who views sex as a sacred thing? One that should be shared with people you love and people who love you in return. I am really angry right now. Partly because what if he takes Zack away from me what will I do? He is just as much a part of me as the air I breathe. Curses myself for ever even breeding in the first place. I can't trust my heart or my instincts. I am doubting my very existence right now. Why must I live with this shit? It's not that I deserve it cause I know I do not?!!! (crying) I hate that he makes me feel so damm helpless and ugly and so damm pathetic. He breaks me down in the worst way possible. Thrusting my fears right at me. I am weak and I know it. I try so damm hard to be strong in mind body and spirit. I hate that he thinks he must try to control me because his own life is going shitty. I talked to my mother and I will go to a lawyer and get joint custody of my son while I retain physical custody hopefully that will appease him if not I am so screwed because he doesn't fight fair. I will not let him get me down. Just that I take everything to heart and I can say this and he will push my buttons. I can already see the problems that I am going to be facing already. I will not let him rule me like he wants to I will bow downt to no one. Fucking stupid dick sucking asshole. I hate him more each day loathe that he is in my house. Hate that he makes me feel guilty for talking to any one of my friends be it only Antionette or Myna. He hates the fact that I let Moe speak to my daughter. Hates the fact that I will allow him to see my daughter because he feels I should hold a grudge forever. My daughter is happy and giddy why should I not let Moe see her.? She wants to know her father whats the big deal here?!!! Its so much insecurity and the fact that I am not with him. Hell he should of treated me right instead of arguing with me calling me mean ass names making me feel worthless and ugly. Pushing me to my very limits where I wanted to kill myself. I hate him for making me feel this way and hate myself for allowing him to make me feel this way. This goes back to my original theory on why I hate men and why they all suck but a very few of them that justice the whole race of men. I am really really angry right now I can't see straight and I know that its going to be more of the same bullshit again before I go to work. I can already tell I am not going to get much sleep at home anymore cause he is going to be complete shit. I am going to go walk with George and Misty maybe I can make my body so tired that I can fall asleep for awhile when I get home. I am not going to let him get me down I keep telling myself this. (chants) Maybe I will believe it. Fucking men they all suck rocks. Those few men that do justify the race thanks for being my friend. I am going to go and walk myself to death maybe I can still this choas in my heart and make my mind quiet the ache it feels. Ahh fuck it.... going..... goodnight...

Did I mention that I dyed my hair. Well okay I bought this cool looking hair color but what I failed to look at was the fine print where it says if you have grey hair it will come out redder than it does on the package. Oh well I guess I will have to live with it until I can dye it again when I can which is about in 6 weeks. I hope that when I choose another color it will not turn out so red as this one did. I wanted a light auburn color with very few red strands but what I got was a totally different color then the box proclaimed. Damm my premature grey hair. Curses both parents for being such wicked folks. I got this from you guys who like our the founders of my genes. Well I am tired and I need to sleep some before I go to work love each and every one of you lots....

Sleeping away my pain...

Cassandra

Tramp Bear


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Kitty Goth


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Cassandra is riding the euphoric high of writing yet again another erotic poem. This one is pretty steamy and had my inner thighs wanting to clamp shut from the tension down below. he he he. Oh well, yet another day in paradise talking 2 peeps on the phone and having the most awesome conversations. Carla (my dear heart) I love you forever and a day. Not without reservation for your ooooooh so sexy husband but man you got it good :-). I can go on and on about my love but hey why bother she knows who she is!!!! My other love well thats for another time and place but know that you are always in my thoughts and on my mind muah! Grins. This is going to be short because I am so tired I can hardly see straight. I have to go on my 7 mile walk tonight maybe with some 10 lb weights so I can make my tired legs feel even more heavy than they do. I had the most erotic dream of having sex with an angel.... Ohh all those soft and downy feathers oooooh yummy. My food of choice today has been a lovely garden salad smoothered in ranch with tons of croutons. Life is good.... I hung out with Henry and Shaunte last night at work where I still can't find my damm keys....(mutters rotten evil little kiddo's of mine).

Cassie's hate of the day: People telling me to treat them with respect when it comes to virgins dammt there evil twisted soul. or reformed people who refuse to have sex before marriage. Fuck me running that is so totally unfair. What the hell?! What if I want to take advantage of you dammit who is to stop me. (my better half thats is) I hate that when people use my morals to stop me dead in my tracks. The damm guilt would tear right through me and ruin my climatic bliss. Ohh those reverse mind tricks are a bitch you know this right don't you!!! (steely damm look) curses self for having some sort of moral base that hasn't yet been corrupted already. Smiles but the gray areas just above the collar bone would make a deliscious tale of verbal banter that touching couldn't do. Why don't I seduce you with words so that I can feel your pulse come in beating drums. Feel your body heat turn up just a notch while I breathe the words into your ear. Gently nibbling the earlobe while telling you all that I would like to do to you but you wouldn't allow!!!!! Grins this is Cassandra's torture to you.... Damm I know how to have a good time smiles. Muah!

Well I am going to go to that place in my shower where I can let the water run down my body (grins) you getting hot yet. Where I will let the smell of raspberry scents lather away my problems down the drain...While these delicate hands of mine touch every inch of my body that you do not allow yourself to do...I will linger over my sensitive areas that haven't been touched for awhile like the inside of my elbow. Blow some air there sometime you are in the shower and feel the electric tingles down your spine. I am so in the mood for sex I am driving myself crazy. Damm my vow of chasity till I am married. I can tease dammit I can tease. (shrugs) why oh why did I have to make this vow why why why why. When being wicked is so fun I can't imagine not having sensual erotic pleasure in my life. SIghs. This being good thing is gong to be pure torture and I know it. But maybe just maybe I can learn to restrain this sexual intensity that is in me and focus my thoughts and energies into one person. Umm okay bring it baby! Well after the shower I am going to sleep naked with the fan circulating air in the room to cause gooseflesh to pop over every part of my body. My body will be stimulated but the sensation will be indescribeable and pure torture. Why you ask? I say why not I am not getting younger and I would like to one day have the body I once had back. Until then I am going to torture myself with exercise pain. Well all of my friends I love you and I just had to get all my sexual frustration out in this blog. Cassandra isn't having sex for a damm long time and I am partly to blame for this but ohhhh well. My husband is so going to die in the bed when I get through with him unless I die an old maid first probally masturbating in an damm retirement home. Grins he he he. Dirty old bitch thats me. Love you all goodnight I am off plotting on how this green eyed girl is going to seduce you all in turn be it mere words or physical.... I can handle this ohhh yes you will all fall down to me with your naked bodies squivering at my feet....(licks lips) boy you are all going to be tasty (promises) not to leave too many marks (smiles) Cassandra awakens to the blipping sound of my head hitting the keyboard....I must restrain myself from my sex filled fantasies..... muah! Goodnight! Flashes you all (@)(@) he he he theres my chest see grins yeah baby yeah.....................

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Cassandra is going to her owmn private hell of kids screaming at the top of there lungs. My skull feels like it is going to explode from the inside out like a Galleger ? watermelon

. Hell I think I would welcome it right about now. I am really fucking tired all I really want to do is go to my bed and crawl into it and just pass out. But no I have to wait for lazy ass Brandon to wake up before I can go to bed. No tell me dear lord where is the justice in that when I have to wait up till around or sometimes past 11:00. When I have been up all night working? Hmmm... Definetly room for improvement. I keep telling myself i just have to deal with this till July.

On a more personal note I have given this whole marriage thing some serious thought. Although in the past I have been a serious critic cause of all the messed up relationships I have seen and have been privy to experience. But now this concept of loving someone and them loving you well that would be awesome in a perfect world. Hell maybe god being the supreme being that he is has someone in store for me. Grins. Whether or not that I believe this is up for grabs but the idea has merit.

Thats pretty much it I have to go to bed pretty soon and quite frankly my brain is tired. I have T minus 6 days and counting till I am hanging with my friends. And my creativity level has never been higher. I am truely right now completely happy. I have everything right now friends family and career. Now add a little marriage maybe some more kids a butt load of sex he he he and Cassandra would be completely dumb founded and drooling like a tard. Did I mention the sex part??? (shakes head) Need to think less of that and keep my mind focused. On much higher simpler things like reading books writing poetry and ummmm... yeah..... Going to go rest my head. I thank all you guys for putting up with me as long as you have. I love you all very much. You complete my life as little as it is Jason, Lisle, Jason S., George, Misty, Brandon, Cassie, Zachery, Shaunte, Antionette, Myna, My mother Val, my family too numerous to name, Kevin, Carla (muah baby) Cliff, Ari, last but not least Moe and his crazy little family. Well goodnight all muah!

I haven't written here because creatively I have been on a high with my poetry. I got into a poetry contest with Harlequinn and we just basically started on one subject and then the other. Not really far when he is a literature major and this poor little brain could use a shit load of college to brighten her up. Oh well but I rose to the challenge and meet him head on. I did pretty good and the peeps on my decandance group thought my poems rocked. I didn't even bother to edit them like I usually do I just wrote. Without thought without care. Until my fingers stopped typing. I am currently writing more than I have in a long while. Grins with pride he he he. I so love to be naughty. Harlequinn writes with such elegance, frankly I am jealous as hell of him but I am striving to be better. My poetry is my release and I write just about anything. Erotic poetry right now seems to be my new hobby. I write about different stuff and that seems to amuse me for now. I have inspired peeps out there to write about me. Sigh that is flattering in itself. Grins. Wow I move people. Dang I must have some serious Mojo that I didn't know about. I still do not see what people see in me. I see myself as hopelessly ordinary and I strive to be far from that ordinary person that I see. I want to be remembered for something. Hell I know that I will never be a famous person but at least I will be loved by my friends it is enough. This love that I have is enough even if they do not have time for me. I am happy and content with whatever they will allow me in there lives. Thanks guys and girls. I like all my friends for different reasons because each of them are brillantly beautiful. Whatever reason they are completely talented and I am completely jealous of there achievements. Cassandra I think will never be satisfied unless she has discovered something or done something extrodinary. I am getting burnt out at work I am there too much. Its not my field Geriatrics. I want to be a Labor and Delievery nurse. Sigh all those little babies to love and care for. This is my goal and this is what I want. I am not wasting my time but I am learning patience which is something I really really need to learn.

My friend Sandman who is another completely awesome person. (waves high there cutie) paints these most awesome pictures on the planet. I want to see the world as you do. Maybe just for a day or two??? (please) It would be interesting to meet all the peeps you see in your pictures and to go on adventures with them. Oh well I will just have to wait for the story. Grins

Another person I talk to Mo. It surprises me how much he has changed from this compete asshole who I really really disliked at one time. We are becoming friends again which is the correct procedure in most cases. My daughter is completely happy which is good. I have to talk about you everyday of the week now. Thanks for calling she is bugging me to learn Tongan. Sigh and I am completely irritated when I have to repeat the words half a dozen times. Hell I do not even know if I am saying them right. She could be cussing at me for all I know. Grins that would make for an interesting experience with Susannah. HE HE HE I am evil and I know it. Oh well comes out of her disillussioned fantasies.

Thats pretty much it excep my vacation has just got closer he he he T minus 9 days till I am in Utah having fun. Grins Utah doesn't even know wha they are in store for. I love it when a plan comes together. (quotes Freston) Boo yeah!!! Well I should go back to writing my sick and twisted fantasies about kissing and such. If I can't do it I might as well write about it. Muah goodnight

Cassandra's Song



She moves like the song of night

gently like wings from the stars.

calling to her lover

in a song only he can hear

dancing like a feather in the night

She floats through his memory like a bird

colors of her passion unfurled

her eyes they glow with need

knowing soon she will feed

upon his strength and lust revealed



He waits under a canopy of light

the wind like teasing fingers in the night

his mind is burning deep

with the yearnings that cannot sleep

as this beast of wet hunger takes flight

He touches her with fire and command

and she arches to his caressing demands

bodies held in music sublime

climaxes roil to their own inner time

screaming the name of their lust god again

© Harlequinn Eyes

5/23/2003


I meet your challenge and one upted you he he he

The Rose

His flowery words seduce me
My pulse elevates
My thoughts such a distraction
Her green eyes glow with a challenge
I close my eyes
To memory of lust
and things found within a kiss
Of promises never kept
But oh how I pretend to believe
Our bodies such wicked little pleasures
She meets your gaze from across the room
His bold eyes devoring of her body
She smiles softly
Her thoughts racing wildly
He arises to her challenge
Her body langauge all mystery
He is bold and beautiful
Are you ready
Her breathy reply
Can you feel my desire
Longing
Lusting
Just for you
His dark eyes pierce me
As you pull me close
Your lips consume me
Making me shudder
Tiny little shivers of pleasure
So much touching
Her senses collide
From just one kiss
She fights for inner peace
Taking the lead in there lovers role
She guides you to her palace
Her bed under the stars
All silky softness are her touches
Till the need drives her wild
She wants you closer
But the space seems to far away
Only meer breathes apart
Consuming
Tasting
Looking at him under her lashes
Any reaction will do
He moans and smiles
He knows her game
He lets her win
She is beauty and ice
Such a sweet contradiction
He boldy possesses her
As she gives in to lovers temptation
She is in rapture
Meeting his challenge
Giving and receiving
There bodies are mingled
Such sweet satisfaction
He kisses her fierce
Possesing her spirit
But only for a time
As the lovers dance marches down
There bodies squivering
As the lust abates
He holds her closely
Wondering whats in her heart
She awakens the next morning
And finds a beautiful rose
with these words
Your like a delicate flower
With each petal removed
Becomes more beautiful
You move me in ways
And I am lost to you forever...
She smiles to the memory of a rose

You are a dark goddess!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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Since I haven't said anything good in the last oooh week or so I thought I would just write. I am still the same person nothing major in my life is happening. I am talking way too much on the phone and I love it. I have gotten to know so many things about so many people it is amazing.I am so surprised by the caliper of my friends and I am truely blessed. WIthout them I Cassandra, cease to exist because they make my world little as it is. But I am completely grateful for them. Whenever they write me or include me in such small measures in there lives. How can I not be happy with that. My life is not perfect by now measure but I have what I need and I can't complain at all. Hince I am not over whelmed with happness but what I do got I am so grateful why should I complain?!

I do have a complaint though and that is shaving. I nicked myself and I am completely itchy. Ye Gods this is trouble. I haven't nicked myself in like forever. Hell I can't even remember when I nicked myself its been so long. I am not use to the burning sensation that it creates in me. Makes me itchy and I am hard pressed not to itch in public. I can just see it now me itching my crotch in public thats distasteful. Never nick your bikini area its a pain in the ass. I would rather have a thousand paper cuts all over my leg but not in that area. Holy molly it is not even funny. I just warning some poor smuck on this right now. That is the only thing I have had major happen to me in a while a freaking shaving accident. Man I am so pathetic. Grins any one want to kiss my boo boo's??? evil wicked grin well goodnight muah he he heh

You're A Hero!
You live to save the world! You are honest, true,
and always victorious! You may not always get
the girls/boys, but all you really want to do
is battle the bad guys.


What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
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You're A Hero!
You live to save the world! You are honest, true,
and always victorious! You may not always get
the girls/boys, but all you really want to do
is battle the bad guys.


What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
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Hopeless Flirt


What Kind of FLIRT are you?
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Heath Ledger: You like them with a drop dead
gorgeous smile, cute accent and from the Land
Down Under.


Which guy are you destined to have sex with?
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Damm Can I keep him I really really want to. He is just too damm cute and I would so like to do dirty things to him. Sigh glad he will never red this he might think I am a stalker

pure


What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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this test is so wrong if they only knew that I could pounce like a kitten yeah baby pouncing pouncig pouncing. Looks for her next victum

Romantic movie! You probably won't star in a porno
anytime soon. You seem to be really into the
whole "love" thing...romantic sex
with perfumed sheets and candles all over the
place. You're probably a hopeless romantic. You
value sex and respect your partner too much to
do anything like porn. AWWWWWW! <3


What kind of porno would you star in?
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I am a giant mutant kitten. Not strange at all.


Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
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your bitch.


What swear word are you?
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SEX APPEAL


(results contain pictures) What kind of ANIME BOOBS do you have?
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Sheesh, another fangirl. Well, I dont blame you.
How can any woman resist a sexy body, and the
ruggedness that is Wolverine? Hes a loner by
nature, a heavy drinker, and is plagued by
memories of his past...or lack thereof. It may
take time to work your way into his heart, but
when you do, he'll do anything for his woman.
Just be careful, he has a tendency to stab
people in his sleep. ^_^;;


Who Is Your Ideal X-Men 2 Mate? (ladies only)
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Shirley Temple-- you're cute around people but
naughty when you get away from the crowd


What's your stripper name? (female)
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Nerdslut


What's your sexual appeal?
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You are Rogue!

You are sexy and strong willed, and able to take on
just about anyone. You long for a serious
relationship, but whenever you begin to get
close to someone things always seem to take
turns for the worse. But you have dealt with
this lack of closeness with an almost constant
flirtacious behavior.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
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You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
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Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

Grins since my name begins with C thats all I need to say. i feel sorry for the ones who start with N. Grins so I expect people to leave comments and there name for this one grins yeah baby. muah Cassandra

> Sex and First Letter of your name

> > Sex and your name (it seems to run true!!!)
> > According to studies, your sexual identity is
> > revealed by the First letter of your First
> > name...what do you think? (Those of you with
> > names that start with "N" will probably wish it
> > started with "K"!)
> >
> >
> > -A- You are not particularly romantic, but you
> > are interested in action. You mean business.
> > With you, what you see is what you get. You
> > have no patience for flirting and can't be
> > bothered with someonewho is trying to be coy,
> > cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You arean up
> > front person. When it comes to sex, it's action
> > that counts notobscure hints. Your mate's
> > physical attractiveness is important to you.
> > You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt"
> > invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as
> > well as being much more adventurous than you
> > appear; however, you do not go around
> > advertising these qualities. Your physical
> > needs are your primary concern.
> >
> > -B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You
> > enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are
> > very happy to receive gifts as an statement of
> > the affection of your lover. You want to be
> > pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You
> > are private in your statement of endearments
> > and particularly when it comes to lovemaking.
> > You will hold off until everything meets with
> > your approval. You can control your appetite
> > and abstain from sex if need be. You require
> > new sensations and experiences. You are willing
> > to experiment.
> >
> > -C- You are a very social individual, and it
> > is important to you to have a relationship. You
> > require closeness and togetherness. You must be
> > able to talk to your sex partner before,
> > during, and after. You want the object of your
> > affection to be socially acceptable and good
> > looking. You see your lover as a friend and
> > companion. You are very sexual and sensual,
> > needing someone to appreciate and almost
> > worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you
> > have the ability to go for long periods without
> > sexual activity. You are an expert at
> > controlling your desires and doing without.
> >
> > -D- Once you get it into your head that you
> > want someone, you move full steam ahead in
> > pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily.
> > You are nurturing and caring If someone has a
> > problem, this turns you on. You are highly
> > sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your
> > involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous.
> > Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are
> > stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having
> > a free and open.
> >
> > -E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your
> > date is not a good listener, you have trouble
> > relating. A person must be intellectually
> > stimulating or you are not interested sexually.
> > You need a friend for a lover and a companion
> > for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and
> > disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument
> > once in a while it seems to stir things up. You
> > flirt a lot, for the challenge is more
> > important than the sexual act for you, but once
> > you give your heart away, you are
> > uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a
> > good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall
> > asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact,
> > you prefer a good book.)
> >
> > -F- You are idealistic and romantic, putting
> > your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very
> > best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet
> > once committed, you are very loyal. You are
> > sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate.
> > Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and
> > gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love
> > scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You
> > can be a very generous lover.
> >
> > -G- You are fastidious, seeking perfection
> > within yourself and your lover. You respond to
> > a lover who is your intellectual equal or
> > superior, and one who can enhance your status.
> > You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak
> > of erotic stimulation, because you work at it
> > meticulously. You can be extremely active
> > sexually that is, when you find the time. Your
> > duties and responsibilities take precedence
> > over everything else. You may have difficulty
> > getting emotionally close to a lover, but no
> > trouble getting close sexually.
> >
> > -H- You seek a mate who can enhance your
> > reputation and earning ability. You will be
> > very generous to your lover once you have
> > attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually
> > an investment in your partner. Before the
> > commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in
> > your spending and dating habits and equally
> > cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a
> > sensual and patient lover.
> >
> > -I- You have a great need to be loved,
> > appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy
> > luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh.
> > You look for lovers who know what they are
> > doing. You are not interested in an amateur,
> > unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are
> > fussy and exacting about having your desires
> > satisfied. You are willing to experiment and
> > try new modes of sexual statement. You bore
> > easily and thus require sexual adventure and
> > change. You are more sensual than sexual, but
> > you are sometimes downright lustful.
> >
> > -J- You can be very romantic, attached to the
> > glamour of love. Having a partner is of
> > paramount importance to you. You are free in
> > your statement of love and are willing to take
> > chances, try new sexual experiences and
> > partners, provided it's all in good taste.
> > Brains turn you on. You must feel that your
> > partner is intellectually stimulating,
> > otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain
> > the relationship. You require loving, cuddling,
> > wining and dining to know that you're being
> > appreciated.
> >
> > -K- You are totally f**king marvelous!
> >
> > -L- You are very romantic, idealistic, and
> > somehow you believe that to love means to
> > suffer. You wind up serving your mate or
> > attracting people who have unusual troubles.
> > You see yourself as your lover's savior. You
> > are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy.
> > You can't help falling in love. You fantasize
> > and get turned on by movies and magazines. You
> > do not tell others of this secret life, nor of
> > your sexual fantasies.
> >
> > -M- You are emotional and intense. When
> > involved in a relationship, you throw your
> > entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there
> > are no holds barred. You are all consuming and
> > crave someone who is equally passionate and
> > intense. You believe in total sexual freedom.
> > You are willing to try anything and everything.
> > Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible.
> > You also enjoy mothering your mate.
> >
> > -N- You are crap in bed.
> >
> > -O- You are very interested in sexual
> > activities yet secretive and shy about your
> > desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual
> > energy into making money and/or seeking power.
> > You can easily have extended periods of
> > celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate,
> > sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from
> > your mate Sex is serious business; thus you
> > demand intensity diversity, and are willing to
> > try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions
> > turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in
> > check.
> >
> > -P- You are very conscious of social
> > proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing
> > anything that might harm your image or
> > reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you
> > require a good-looking partner. You also
> > require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough,
> > you may view your partner as your enemy; a good
> > fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are
> > relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are
> > willing to experiment and try new ways of doing
> > things. You are very social and sensual; you
> > enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical
> > gratification.
> >
> > -Q- You require constant activity and
> > stimulation. You have tremendous physical
> > energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up
> > with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an
> > enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to
> > people of other ethnic groups. You need
> > romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of
> > conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
> >
> >
> > -R- Yow are a no-nonsense, action-oriented
> > individual. You need someone who can keep pace
> > with you and who is your intellectual equal the
> > smarter the better. You are turned on more
> > quickly by a great mind than by a great body.
> > However, physical attractiveness is very
> > important to you. You have to be proud of your
> > partner. You are privately very sexy, but you
> > do not beg, you are willing to serve as
> > teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very
> > demanding playmate.
> >
> > -S- You are secretive, self-contained, and
> > shy. You are very sexy, sensual and passionate,
> > but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate
> > privacy will this past of your nature reveal
> > itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty,
> > you are an expert. You know all the little
> > tricks of the trade, can play any role or any
> > game, and take your love life very seriously.
> > You don't fool around. You have the patience to
> > wait for the right person to come along.
> >
> > -T- You are very sensitive, private, and
> > sexually passive; you like a partner who takes
> > the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic
> > thoughts turn you on. You fantasize but do not
> > tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in
> > love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy and
> > extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses
> > and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and
> > teased. You are a great flirt. You can make
> > your relationships fit your dreams, often times
> > all in your own head.
> >
> > -U- You are enthusiastic and idealistic when
> > in love. When not in love, you are in love with
> > love, always looking for someone to adore. You
> > see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer
> > and need adventure, excitement, and freedom.
> > You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy
> > giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking
> > good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire
> > instant gratification. You are willing to put
> > your partner's pleasures above your own.
> >
> > -V- You are individualistic, and you need
> > freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until
> > you know someone well before committing
> > yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him
> > out. You feel a need to get into his head to
> > see what makes him tick. You are attracted to
> > eccentric types. Often there is an age
> > difference between you and your lover. You
> > respond to danger, thrills and suspense. The
> > gay scene turns you on even though you yourself
> > may not be a participant.
> >
> > -W- You are very proud, determined, and you
> > refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing
> > love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic,
> > idealistic and often in love with love itself,
> > not seeing your partner as he or she really is.
> > You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into
> > your relationships. Nothing is too good for
> > your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
> >
> > -X- You need constant stimulation because you
> > bore quickly. You can handle more than one
> > relationship at a time with ease. You can't
> > shut off your mind. You talk while you make
> > love. You can have the greatest love affairs,
> > all by yourself, in your own head.
> >
> > -Y- You are sexual, sensual, and very
> > independent. If you can't have it your way, you
> > will forgo the whole thing. You want to control
> > your relationships, which doesn't always work
> > out too well. You respond to physical
> > stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours
> > just touching, feeling and exploring. However,
> > if you can spend your time making money, you
> > will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the
> > moment. You need to prove to yourself and your
> > partner what a great lover you are. You want
> > feedback on your performance. You are an open,
> > stimulating, romantic bedmate.
> >
> > -Z- For you, it is business before pleasure.
> > If you are in any way bothered by career,
> > business, or money concerns, you find it very
> > hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be
> > romantically idealistic to a fault and are
> > capable of much sensuality. But you never lose
> > control of your emotions. You are very careful
> > and cautious before you give your heart away
> > and your body, for that matter. Once you make
> > the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

Nothing major happening to my life at all. Unfortunately I am a boring person. Things will change of course they always do. What can I say laughs. I am a poser child for trouble. Little ole me gets into way too much trouble and most of it I cause myself. grins I wouldn't have it any other way. I would die of boredom if my life was too boring. I couldn't handle it. I need so much chaos in my life so I can breathe a little. ahh well got to go talk more later goodnight

Heart Soul And Mind

So much of your heart
Lies in your face
I saw from the start
As my eyes did trace

Your beautiful eyes
A window to your soul
And soon I'd realize
My heart you stole

Your visage appealing
From your smiling lips
Love traces revealing
On my fingertips

My body's your portal
Within there you'll find
The love from this mortal
Heart soul and mind

~Admiration of Inspiration~


Might I linger in the moody mysteries of your mind
May I gaze into your intensity until I willingly go blind
For then I would read your thoughts with infusing fingertips
Tracing the unturned pages of your profound poetic scripts

To explore the caliginous corners of your intellect's core
To dwell in your dark spaces, the places never seen before
Drawn to your shades of gray, illuminated with my fascination
Intrigued by your mind at play, captivation illustrated with admiration

Might I view the world through your mind's eye of perception
Witness the moment of your inspiration's sagacious conception
Leaf through the memories pressed between pages of your recall
Read between your lines, for your every verse and rhyme enthrall


To delve into your persuasion's philosophies
Sating and saturating my ever insatiable curiosities
To define and detail the genius of your poetic stroke
To inhale the essence of emotion your words invoke

To drown in your sultry still waters running deep
Immerse me in the release of your sensual silent keep
To discover the secrets that lie behind your champagne eyes
Intoxicated by your intentions, I remain mesmerized, hypnotized

To then grant you the vision ... to accept these gifts you possess
This my poetic confess ... your every express leaves a lasting impress

Ice and Stone

Flower of ice so pretty and full

like a princess of steel

to be worshipped and loved

Goddess of cold

your gaze thrills and kills

by slow slicing words

and impossible demands

Winter's your home

a kingdom gone mad

cold flower of lust

held by a gauntlet so cold



Flower of stone cracked but not gone

like a gem whispering promises

but offering naught

Cold stone rasping voice

disguised as a bird

your song turns to daggers

as your heart turns and burns

Sweet flower gone sad

with your leaves withering in my hand

my sad eyes wish and pray

yet ice and stone don't fade away

I like this poem of me grins what a great write describes me perfectly

What is this feeling that’s in my heart?

Why is it so hard to express

It hides deep within my spirit

My mind can’t even comprehend it

How can this be!?

What is this feeling that’s in my heart?

I’m so heavy and chained that’s it’s pulling me down

Griping and tearing at my internals

Straining and shaking with frustration

Aching and begging for a moment of peace

Foaming at the mouth

Pain because I can’t deny it

Pain like monstrous nails and razor teeth

Clawing, ripening, inching up my gut

What is this feeling that’s in my heart?

Droplets of water form on my brow

A cold bead of sweat rolls down my cheek

The air so cold my lungs tightens

So cold my muscles starts to atrophy

Oh my god I’m about to puke

I can feel it coming

I can’t handle this …

Before I can finish

My body shivers and buckles

What is this feeling that’s in my heart?

Laying on the ground head throbbing from the impact

Images of your face fading in and out

Clouds gather with animosity as the gale picks up

Threatening to rain down on me

Before I could muster some kind of defense

The storm of emotions erupts

Zoom, Blah, crack!

Striking me in the chest

Burning me from inside out

Gasping, poking, crying from the overwhelming sensation

What is this feeling that’s in my heart?

Rolling myself over with stain tears

With ashen and charred fingers I clasp my arms around my shoulder

Whispering little screams from a shattered mind

Shadow like smoke rising from my burnt heart

Void of facial expression expect for one

The look of longing, needing, wanting

Wanting that answer for emptiness

Needing that missing piece

Longing for peace

What is this feeling that’s in my heart!?

There’s no word for this pain

Why can’t I just say it?

Could it be I’m in denial?

Will someone just tell me?

Or put me out of my misery

Each look and every word you’ve said

What? You say its love

Then why does it hurt when you’re not around

What is this feeling that’s in my heart?

@The answer@

Your the emptiness that never goes away
The one that makes me complete
My lost sunshine
My life
My soul
My reason for living
I breathe
But I am not living
I see
But I have no eyes
This pain never goes away
Doubt
Dread
Heartache
The emptiness
The bottomless abyss
My scared heart
So tragic in its lies
My many illusions
Surrounding me
I do not dream
I can't dare
I tremble
I scream
I cry
Sometimes I want to die
The anger builds
Strength and resolve takes it place
I love you
I hate you
Why does this feeling never go away
I dream of you
I die without you
I wither without love
I can not grow
I can not live
Without you life is meaningless
Do I dare to dream?
I whisper do you hear me?
Touch me break my resolve
I want you
I need you
I love you

My brain is tired and my heart is weary I hope you like your answer? Talk to you later Muah! Ari keep your head up and do not let things get you down.

To my dearest Jason,

Who more than ever amazes me time and again. I can't even properly say thanks for letting me speak to Blaine. (grins) Your the greatest and if is thanks you want (sly grin) just you wait :). Ice cream taste so good eaten off the body! Ohhh yummy.!!!!!! Well anyways I have stayed up too much and I am tired. I have to work doubles again and I will be extremely tired and moody. Damm I suck (ummmm) well sometimes. But I prefer to torture my victims with biting :) wink. Hugs kisses all goodnight. I will write more later when I am not so tired and not so busy. Love you all very very much.

Kisses Sand's wheezy little head. Love you too very much muah.

You're Strung Out: You're so addicted to clothes
you're practically injecting them into your
veins! Your closet is so packed you barely know
what you own anyway! Time to consider snipping
the credit cards, and maybe passing a few items
on to your friends. tsk-tsk Wait...you didn't
sell your friends, did you??


Are you a clothing junky? You are, aren't you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are normal. Lucky little you


What Self-Mutilation Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am thinking of you.
Can you feel me?
I want to touch you.
Get lost in your embrace.
Have my lips taste you.
Close my eyes to feel you.
My heat beat quickens.
I can hear your voice.
My hands touch your body.
Your skin is so soft.
I want you closer.
I grab you closer to me
Where we are but breathes away

This is all I got cause I need to go take a shower with my kiddos. I will edit it later to make it better. Damm I guess its true I am a passionate person he he he. It will be my ultimate down fall my sexual nature :). Oh well but it will be fun.
I want to feel your heartbeat
My desire for you is unreal
I call out your name
Can you hear me?
I want to make love to you
Hear you moan out loud

I found this poem online and thought it was beautiful. That is one thing in my life that never changes is my love for poetry wheither it be mine or someone else's. I can't imagine a life without pretty words ad music. They are the things that calm me after so much turbulance in my life. They give me hope and happiness knowing someone had to love or lust after someone to write such pretty words.
I
FEEL YOU


I feel you...

Can you feel me
as I walk up behind you
Gently kissing you upon the neck
touching your skin
with my gentle hands

I feel you...

Can you feel me
as I kneel before you
and look into your eyes
and see your soul

I feel you...

Can you feel me
as my lips kiss your lips
so soft like that of a whisper
and I run my tongue so lightly across

I feel you...

Can you feel me
as our bodies join
as our hearts beat
and as our blood flows
and we become one

I feel you...

With every fiber of my being
to the depths of my soul
Can you feel me?

I do believe in love and things that are of that nature, I do not necessarily believe it will happen to me. I love lots of people whether they are female or male because they touch my heart and I fall instantly.

Of Her Childhood Dreams...

Once upon a time, the innocent
eyes of a believing child
Gazed upon a picture book by
which she was beguiled
Pages of enchanting portraits
colored in ethereal delight
With princes and pretty maidens
upon unicorns in flight
Gallant knights upon steeds
rescuing damsels in distress
Fairy god mothers who transform
mere rags into a dress
Of a raven hair queen sitting
majestically upon her throne
And by her side, a fine king
whom she calls her very own
Sweet love sonnets read by a
suitor in the dim of firelight
Two shadowy figures strolling
aimlessly in the moonlight

With years, the girl soon became
a woman of another time
Where love is found only in contrite
verses of near rhyme
In despair, she climb to the attic
where dreams are often kept
She thumb the pages, staining the
pretty pictures as she wept
Anger overcome her spread as a
wildfire of the heart
By the page, she tore her cherished
little picture book apart
Now the dreams of her youth lay
scattered on the attic floor
Yet her longing for the love's fairy
tale lives on forever more
For by the light of day, of dreams
your mind it may break free
But by night, your dreams are
unlocked by childhood memory

Like my newest love who is brillant and so sweet. (Arielle) She is amazing to be able to hold her self up with the incredible amout of shit that happens to her in her life. I myself, do not know if I would crack under that much strain. I can take a lot and still come bouncing back thats what it means to be strong. But I know how it feels when you have been strong for so long and just want to be held and made to feel safe cause you have reached your limit. And not to have someone so you hug your pillow and cry. I wish that all the troubles in your life would be easier for you but that is the nature of us strong females. We are there to endure stuff to make us stronger so down the road nothing in our lives can shake our world. I know that you are meant to be doing something special it can be little or small. So when things get you down remember the purpose of it all is to make you stronger on the inside. So later in life you can be the person you need to be later. Not a small price to pay now but the effects over a life time you rarely see till you sit back 30 - 40 years from now and think upon it. I think you are an awesome person; a little patience with yourself and you will find yourself. You are so much closer to realizing yourself then you realize its just you are not ready to make such decisions lightly. Try practicing self love, its a hard thing to love yourself. But you need to love yourself before you can truelly love someone else. I think you do have self love but doubt and frustration gets in the way. You have no control of your life and that is a problem for you. Hell it woul be a problem for me. Cause I have been there and felt the overwhelming frustration where you are about to tear your hair out and scream a bloody scream of rage. I truely hope things get better cause things can get only worse if you let yourself get into that mind set. Look around you and remember the blessings in your life. Probally too many to count but sometimes we forget the small things and fall short of that image. :)

I still depend on myself, that part of me I think will never change. I can't disappoint other people and they can't disappoint me. The idea of depending on another person scares the crap out of me. I need it and I crave it this thing called love. I am constantly wanting the feel of another person's body next to mine. I do not per sae need sex I think about it quite often. (this is my nature of the beast which is me) But I would much rather cuddle with someone then have sexual intercourse with someone. If I do have sex I want it to be for love not some animal lust which makes you feel empty and dirty. You feel great during but afterwards it's a terrible feeling and it brings you down lower than you already are. My mind wonder's so much.

I can admit at one time I saw myself as the happy housewife being married and building a life together. I am not sure if that life will ever be for me. That person would have to love my children just as much as me. Cause there is no moving me on this point. My kids will always come first before even myself. They make me and they brake me. They are the best thing that has ever happened to me. They are the reason why I want to be a better person because I want them to be proud of there mother. They keep me in line so I do not do the stuff that is wrong or bad cause they will have to hear about it from me when they ask. I do not want to be embarrased and say I did this and I did that and not be able to look them in the face.

TWO SOULS

From first we met your memory
haunted me
Visions of us, how can that be

Feelings I cant explain
over take my mind
Is this how it is when two souls bind

Captivating, tantalizing your words
seep into my heart
is this destiny, is this how it will start

I lay in my bed and dreams of you
over take my sleep
I wonder if travel is possible through ones mind
so deep

Thoughts transferred, bodies feel
Everything that we think
we know is real

Memorize each line on your face
the flecks in your eyes
Everything is there in my mind,
I can't erase

I feel my body travel through
the depths of you
I feel your body as you travel through me too

Some may say this is destiny
some may say this is fate
Some may say you heart
has finally found it's mate

I will search and search
until we come face to face
soul to soul
and heart to heart
Until we are together
and no one can pull us apart.

My mind wonders so much ha I ramble so much. To many phone calls so little time I have. Thanks all of you for calling me. I haven't had this many calls in awhile I have becme a serious phone slut. Oh my it must be the whore in me he he he. Oh well. I am glad to hear from you whether the new is good or bad. (Antionette I am sorry girl) I wish my mere words could help you in your time of need. You know you can call me day or night if you need to talk. Don't worry if I need to sleep I can sleep when I am dead. Laughs which isn't for a long time cause the gods are not through with torturing me they have to wait to see what my kids to me in the mean time he he he. I have had so many strange and wonderful thoughts go through my head I am hard put not to write them here. What can I say Cassie, needs to keep some secrets to herself. Grins.

I got a 7 minute phone call from Blaine on his birthday which was totally awesome. I was sleeping but hell I didn't care because it was Blaine. Thanks Jason Sims for letting him use your phone to talk to me that was so cool of you. Thanks Blaine I can't really wait to see your family and see what you guys have been up to. I have so much to catch up on that I do not think a mere week is enough. But what choice do I have cause I will be going to school soon and I do not have the time to go out there again. Money I will always have just as long as I work. I want things out of life and I know that I have to work to get them. I want to be a nurse practioner and that takes alot of schooling and dedication on my part. I want to hold babies that I can just give back to there mother's. But to be part of that process whether it is just being a helper would be terribly awesome. I plan on having a brood of my own later on in life but not right now. First things first education then whatever happens happens. Not like I am planning this stuff out just clarifying for all of you who have so many questions that you overload me. Yeah maybe later in my life I will get married maybe not. Hell even Cassandra doesn't know. Yeah it would be nice to depend on another person besides myself but thats another gray area of my life that scares me. My current situation is not ideal. I am having to deal with Brandon on a evreyday basis and that is a constant strain on my sanity. He still needs to grow up. I am beyond him in years as far as maturing as I have. Ye Gods, he frustrates the hell out of me the pecker (I use that word way too much). His goals and my goals are not the same and I do not think I need to settle for less than I deserve. Thanks Anttionette for helping me see the light. Cause I would have stayed in this situation till eventually I would have killed myself. I have already tried cause Cassandra was pushe to the braking point and I snapped. I had no love to give anyone be it my children or myself. My self worth just completely crumbled and I found myself willing myself dead. Not a nice thought but I wanted to escape the reality of my life. A pathetic way to go I now realize but I was so miserable and Brandon bless his heart didn't realize what the hell he was doing to me to hurt me so badly. I can't put all the blame on him it's my fault that I take things so personally and believe whatever failures between us two are my fault. I am a hard person to love and even harder to understand. Sometimes I just do the complete opposite to set people in motion and then turn around and change my mind. Guess its because I am bi polar that I am a nut. A loveable nut but a nut just the same grins. Isn't life grand smiles. I need to get to bed cause I got to work 17 hours today and I am going to be tired as hell grins. But in the end I think it will be worth it. I need to go take a shower and let the water marinate my brain he he he. After that crawl under the covers and fall desperately to sleep. Hugs muah kiss sigh I miss you guys already out there. Goodnight!

I dream….
You and me together
Forever
In a world of our own


I glimpse…
You and me holding on
Eternally
Till the end of time


I hope…
Feelings will never change
Ever
’Cause this is how it should be


I yearn…
To feel your arms around me
Everlastingly
And never let me go


I love...
To be part of your life
Enduringly
But will you be part of mine

Wow this is what I dream of what love can be?

I think personally and I think all of you peeps out there agree there is never enough cuddling time in the world. Yeah Cassandra, likes sex she always has. And I think foreplay is an art form in itself. But I think of all the times I have cuddled and I can remember never feeling incomplete with just plain old good fashioned cuddling. You hook yourself up with a cuddle bunny and just snuggle the whole night away. Aaah sleepy tasty little heartbeats that lullabye you to sleep. Within the arms of the person you love could prove a most awesome night of cuddling on the planet. I can remember cuddling better cause no real emotion gets put into it. It has no direction just a simple emotion of closeness. You are not pressured to live up to some fantasy. All you do is just touch in a sensual way. Not really going anywhere just touching for the shear pleasure of touching. Wanting to explore your beloved's body without saying words you tell him or her you love them. Not by word just by simply touching there chest. Holding them close so that your heart beat starts to pump faster. Your the happiest person on the planet cause you feel so warm and safe nothing can tear the two of you apart. Now if you are under a full moon on a blanket somewhere in a nice woodsy area and just sit under the stars and relax. Now this is Cassandra's ideal situation Well it may not be yours and I do not really care. It's just nice to cuddle and not get physical when you are feeling the need to be near without much physical sport to make you feel closer to that person. Yeah sex is good really good and with the right person can rock your world. I believe that whole heartedly. That there is someone on the planet who is looking for there soul mate. Wishing the very same wish that you are wishing. Two hearts feeling the same kind of emptiness that you feel. This incomplete feeing that you have that no matter what you do or where you are in life you never feel satisfied. Until that one fateful kiss when you know instantly your life is changed with that one kiss.. You see that silver thread of your life connecting with them. You know that you can't lve without them. That no matter what you do your thoughts continue to be about them. You need them like you need air to breath and it hurts you to be far away from them like a physical ache that has no cure. I do believe in this and I hope that my daughter has this one day. I hope that she can wait till the right guy comes along instead of settling for someone who will hurt her in the end. sigh I have said too much goodnight

who says you are not satan himself coming to tempt me again with sins of the flesh?

hey I like my witty sayings dammit it might actually hit my blog

#1 Cassandra can take out any guy living or breathing on the planet when it comes to sex and that is no joke
#2 NYMPHO
#3 the answer to life's little mysteries a simple product called trojans
#4 memo to self teach self awareness class on how to use condoms to mormons
thats it for now will post more later as they come to me! (smiles)

Need I mention that my best friend is a mental yummy Life Saver? If not then let it be shouted from the ruff tops till everyone on the planet knows of Jason Freson. Who is my best friend on this planet. A better friend then I can ever be by far. That is my dedication to you. Love you much Muah

Can you believe in a kiss
Just two little people you and me
One breathe and an exhalation
Two lips gently exploring
Wanna feel my heartbeat
Wildly beating with yours
Can you feel my pulse
How it has risen to your touch
Wanna finish what we started
Close your eyes
Try not to skip a beat
I grab you closer
You start to tremble
I laugh as you stumble
Trying in vain to clear your senses
Am I being mean yet
I have just started on you

Before I was a Parent -
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into
bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a parent -
I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words
to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Parent -
I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Spit on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Parent -
I never held down a screaming child So that doctors could do tests. Or
give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Parent-
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it
down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would
love being a Parent.

Before I was a Parent -
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother/father and his/her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Parent -
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to
make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, The joy, The love, The heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Parent.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Parent.

Send this to someone whom you think is a special Parent.I just did.
And remember that behind every successful Parent......
is a basket of dirty laundry .................. Yep

Dear insane crazy people. (holds out hand) I know I am. Cause I have been doing this exercise thing for a least two weeks and I am happy to say that the results are finally showing up. The weeks of starving myself )yeah right( have put me in another uniform size down. I couldn't believe it but cause I didn't really see a change in my size but people kept remarking that I was losing weight but I was not seeing it at all. (Happy grin) I am well on my way to making my ideal weight which is 120. I will be happy with 130 but I know I got the will power to see it throw to the 120 that I want. I want to be a medium uniform size or even a small but I would be happy with a medium dammit. sighs. I do not have that long to go and I am really starting to get excited about this. I bought a new bathing suit the other day and I know I am going to look damm good in it soon. (if I am get my vampire butt to not look so damm white) my white skin shines off the water and blinds several damm people including the meter maid. Yeah I know white skin can be sexy but not when you are casper the friendly ghost white. Cause damm you can cause serious accidents from the glare off my body. Which is not good thing. But on a lighter note they can find me in the dark easily and I would be like a homing beacon for anybody who is trying to find me. (Cracks up)

George and I continue to walk and up the ante of difficulty. Since I already can handle 14 miles a day I am starting with weights tonight on my legs and arms. I hope this helps me tone up quicker and lose my much needed weight faster. I was like starvng my ass off today. I was seriously contimplating robbing a homeless guy who had a deliscious looking burger,. I was literally drooling. It didn't help that I passed like 20 different fast food jonts and restaurants and I could smell the mouth watering aromas. Ye gods I would have killed for my atm card at the moment. I didn't want to bring money because then I would be tempted to buy some food and that would not help my diet any. But George, being the ever ass he is kept talking about food and I was like damm I am going to eat your shoe if you do not shut up. I was talking walking around in a daze hungry where you are walking upright but in a dream state. Your stomache things it is consuming itself and is protesting madly. I kept drinking water but my stomache was protesting cause the water was upsetting the process of devouring my stomche lining. Not that I need that or anything just that it would feel like i was eating razor blades when I was eating mush or something. Oh well who needs a stomache surely not me.

Ahh I looked at the tattoo I wanted the other day. A beautiful set of butterflies on the small of my back. I do not know if I will get it or not but I do want it. But I want to wait till I lose the weight I want so that it doesn't get distorted or anythin. Yeah it will look shitty when I get older but hopefully I will be out of my mind with grief or madness that I will not give a fuck. I was considering a dream catcher at the small of my back. I want to cover up my scars from my car accident I got into a while back. On the upper portion of my back. So was thinking of putting a huge ass fairy on the top of my back to my right shoulder so that it can cover it with something pretty to look at. But I do not know if I want to go through all that pain and have the son of a bitch fuck up on it. If I get something I want to be happy with it. I am too indecisive on these things :) But I know if I do get one its going to cost a pretty penny cause i would want it to be good. (plus with my favorite colors)

I am really tired and exhausted and I could use a serious back rub. Cries for some big hunky man to rub me senseless. Dammit I will settle for a small hunky man either way what bliss. I got to get up in a while and walk the damm route again so I better get some sleep. Hugs kisses I love you all.

Oh by the way slackers where is my damm mail. Cassandra has no email pout pout. You guys suck rocks. But thats okay I have Sharpies with your names on it. This time I am going to cover all the bases and get every inch of your body (he he he he) evil laugh Well I am going to crawl in my bed Goodnight muah

sorry I messed up on my dragon ball z lover lol ahh well green guys are sexy too lol

Who's Your DBZ Guy?

Thats it folks I am not into writing today just cut and paste and see that it happens like that hugs kisses and all that jazz goodnight

Who's Your DBZ Guy?

	Tenderheart Bear You are thinker, organizer, peacekeeper, and leader all in one. You have a power to command attention and people listen to you. However, you are often so concerned about not hurting others' feelings that you don't tell them what they need to hear and this gets you both into trouble. But you always have loyal friends to help you out.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

href="http://www.wiredreflection.com/tests/pets.html"
target="new">
border=0 frameborder=0 alt="You are Ura!">


Take the href="http://www.wiredreflection.com/tests/pets.html" target="new"> "Which Anime pet are you?" test!

Breath Away

It isn't the measure that holds me
not the sounds nor the breath I hear
It isn't the moment of my memory
but the essence of the life that I wear
I never ever wanted this feeling
but hold so very dear to the warmth
of the magic that always will linger
in the moments that take away my breath

It isn't the promise nor the gesture
and it isn't the colors that I love
It really isn't any of these pleasures
that make me cry from high above
I can only keep calling and reaching
for that miracle of life over death's ways
It isn't the excitement and rapture
just that instant that took my breath away.

Anunciation

Have you ever tasted the wind
as she flies high and proud on her wings
like the eagle with eyes so clear and keen
caressing her domain as she screams

Have you ever tasted that strength
held yet unleashed by the gods
poured like a goblet through the ether she sings
chasing the stars with her clouds

Have you ever heard the sun sing
in voice that is bathed in gold wine
flowing to the Goddess he loves and protects
like a prayer invoked from your soul

Have you ever seen the love burn deep
bathed upon the mantel of the sky
great arms that are swept upwards then met
by the noble dragons in heaven's eye

Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but rather by that which
takes your breath away

No sooner met but they looked; No sooner looked but
they loved; No sooner loved but they sighed;
- William Shakespeare -

Sheryl Crowe a true life savior

i shall believe


Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe


I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe


That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe


Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key


Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe


That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
And I shall believe

"Mother is the name for GOD on the lips and hearts of all children" - Eric Draven - The Crow

George' theory of Alien Abduction:

Have you ever woken up and found that you had the runs. I am not talking mushy and you can hold it till you get to the bathroom. I am talking about the running river type of chocolate where you shit your pants while in bed. Cause you thought you were on the toilet but in all actuallity you were in your bed. Not only do you shit your pants you have to change your whole bed spread to boot. Well George believe's that when aliens abduct you that they do anal probing. So when you wake up next time chances are you are a victum of an insane alien experiment of anal probing. He believes that the runs are a result of aliens sticking probes up your butt and making you shit yourself to death. So next time you got the shits blame it on the aliens cause they probally abducted you last night in your sleep.

This is my two hour walk with George basically talked about the whole time. His theory of Anal probing gone wrong. Although this is a refreshing change from the two hours of talking about his pierced male genitalia the content kind of is hilarious. Although I found myself in mad fits of laughter no matter how I tried I couldn't keep the smile on my face. What am I to do. Then I am going to subject myself to another 2 hour torture tonight to finish off my 12 miles a day walking habit. Cracks up why me ole lord why me lol. Well that pretty much sums my day. I am going to crawl into my bed and rest my feet. Cause I am about to break in another pair of running shoes that I have got maybe I can start sprinting for short distances before I die from exhaustion lol. Well good night Muah I am in a better mood. Bye

Not only do I get a dose from my past my mother calls me and shakes my world also. I should have never woken up and stayed in bed. I knew who was calling me before I answered the phone and I just glutting for punishment. I had a nice conversation with my mother and I am shaken. Cassandra can't handle all this sensory overload. I am going to my bed and cry. I am too overwhelmed and watching darkness falls is just the topper to the cake. Brandon is being a royal asshole and I have just had enough of today and do not want to be bothered ever again. Damm I hate my life.

The scenario that I have been dreading to happen happens today. He called me out of the blue but I reconnized his voice immediately. I just knew it was him on the phone before I answered the telephone. I almost didn't pic it up cause I wasn't sure how I was going to act. I can honestly say that I was polite and cordial on the phone. Yeah I cried I couldn't help it he actually apologized. I Cassandra acted the way I always thought I would as a friend and the way a mother should for her daughter. I always pictured us being friends and not having any animosity between us for our daughter. It was so easy talking to him again. I just asked if he wanted to talk with his daughter and they conversed for a few minutes. We talked for what seems like forever. I am surprised to know that he is a nurse like me. Strange things that happen in this crazy world. But I am proud of myself for being that peson that I thought I was and doing it. I am not afraid any more I know who I am now. I have always been afraid that I wouldn't be the person that I saw in my mind. A strong beautiful person never afraid of anything! I am are too trusting with my feelings. I lauged when he asked me if I was married. Like someone on this planet would marry me! I will never be married how could I ever want to be! I am too afraid to give my heart to someone so they can crush me and break me. I do not honestly think I could ever recover. So I love the only person who can never love me in return. Brandon. I know that we wouldn't last forever that was always a given. I am truelly shaken and it was easy to forgive a person who wronged me so terribly for the sake of my daughter. Cause in truth didn't I wrong him in the first place? He is coming out in October to see Cassandra on her birthday. I know that it is going to be strange seeing the person again after a really long time. I can accept a lot of things that have happen to me like I always do. People falling in love with me and then leaving me I have come to accept it. Thats why I know I will never be married. Cause I do not think I can handle a committment if I know that they are just going to leave me in the end. I have come to accept this as a fact. A never changing fact of life. That I will always be alone and by myself. I am strong enough person for that because I do not depend on no one but myself. I did at one time and he shattered my illusions of what love is or what could love ever be. I do not think that when a person says he loves me that he very well knows what he is saying. Cause in truth is that a promise you make to another person just by saying you love them.

I talked to Barbara yesterday she is getting married to a guy named Ryan. I am truelly happy for her that someone saw through all her layers and see's her for her. He truely loves her and that is a good thing. I do hope that she doesn't leave before I get out there cause there is so many people I want to see. My resolution is very clear and I have a lot of lost time to make up for. People to talk to and visit and just talk. It will be strange talking to Mo's parent's who at one time hated my guts. But I have to close that gap for my daughter so that she can no about her heritage and such. So that she can be a complete person and not ask so many questions that I haven't answered. Then I will not have to continue the lie I have been giving with the presents and such on her birthday. And Christmas because that was getting costly.

I haven't always been the greatest person on the planet. But I am trying so very hard to be the person that I want to be and it surprises me how easily I do it. I can say no I will not do that and by golly I will not do it. My brain hurts right now with all the damm stress I have been going through. I hurt right now so much my life is crazy. I am afraid that Mo might hurt my daughter and I know I will not be responsible for my actions then. I pray that he could have changed enough to accept his responsiblity because my daughter wants to know her father. Why she is darker than me and doesn't quite look like me. Why that she looks so differently from my family. I do want her to know Mo's side of the family it would be so easy for her to understand herself more. I have always had questions about my father. What I do know I do not like. I am so happy for my little girl who face lights up when she got to talk to her father. They made a date to see each other on her birthday in October. God what do I do if he disappoints her? I think I will go crazy with rage and anger I couldn't even control it if I wanted to. I would like to say that I would act in a proper manor but when have you know me to ever be proper. My head aches and I have a lot on my heart to weigh and analyze so much. Ye gods know how to screw with my brain so I can't ever have a moments peace of mind. I already am stressed for two people lets just add a little Mo to the mix to see how much she can take.

I am still sunburnt to all hell so I am calling off all the walking till tomorrow morning so I can just pull the covers over my head and esape to my little dream world for awhile. Going to take some sleeping pills if I have any left and just pass out. If not I will analyze everything and I do not want to do that. Too many things to think about and I do not want to think. I just want to go away for awhile and not be bothered by anyone who can potentially disappoint me. Hell I am already disappointed I do not like being lied to ever. You know who you are and I hate you even more for doing it. When will I ever learn that men are all the same just different skins. I probally will not be on for a long time cause I just want to exercise and fall asleep go to work. My classes are going to start up soon and I will bus it there. I will not have the time I had to waste anymore. My responsiblity will just be like it always is overwhelming but it keeps me on my toes and I wouldn't have it any other way. Cassandra is just plain do not give a fuck any more. I truely just want to be left alone and let me think for awhile. I am sorry if this affects a lot of people probally not cause when I was on you were not. So I doubt that I will be missed much anyways and if you want to learn whatever is happening with my life you can call my phone or write me an email. Eventually when I have something positive to say I will write back. But for now I am just going away. If I do write I will go on under a name no one knows so I will not get bugged at all. Safest bet for me is just not to go on. But I am gone for awhile bye. Hugs kisses Lisle I will call you later not this week but before I come down so I can plan our time together. Thanks for all being my friend I just need to regroup and focus on what really matters and thats me and my family. I do not think I have room for anybody else. I am just pushing away from everybody. You don't really need me anyways. Hugs kiss bye