A bad day

You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::

Gods where to begin I tried to help my brother today and it blew up in my face my most unselfish act that I have ever done for my brother. I tried with all my heart to help my brothers happiness along cause I know if he doesnt have something to cling to he will die. I know this with every fiber of my being because he is fractured too much bad shit has happened in his life for him to want to care about anything else. I thought maybe if someone loved him enough and he could love her in return that maybe his fate can be changed. I hate the fact that even with my superior problem solving skills I cant strategize my way out of this or even help in some small way. So I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now this intense crushing feeling on my chest that wont let go. I hate that god damm fate of knowing shit I shouldnt know and not being able to do anything about it. But its not in me to give up im a fighter always have been but there are times even I can see the uselessness of the situation. I knew the god damm famous Pride that runs in our family that my brother would probally fuck it up and it reminded me to be humble myself. I am arrogant vain prideful that I wont allow people to hurt me and I push away those that I love because I know that if I do they can't ever hurt me. hard for me to suck up my pride and let someone in cause I always got to be in control well im not going to be that person anymore im going to just let it be and hope fate smiles on me. Gods how I wish fate would smile on me I dream about it can I just for once have everything I need without it always being a god damm struggle. Im going to pray tonight haven't done so in so long and I hope god is listening to me when I do and it wont be for myself either im not stupid enough to ask. But for my brother because he is my family my blood what else can I do but try?! My heart is so heavy I have cried tonight and probally will cry again because I can't sleep and walking doesnt seem to take away this heaviness and burden that I can't contain. Please let me find a job soon I don't want my kids to suffer because of my poor choices in men please. You know at the end of my life I hope it isnt a struggle the same way I can in I dont want to have to go out with a struggle at life or a struggle at death I want to go peacefully in my sleep. My heart is heavy. There are times like right at this moment that I really need a hug and someone to cuddle with can't always be strong. I am going to sleep now hope the world is a little better place tomorrow...