You may leave your complaints to the bitching department otherwise post a comment on my handy dandy upgrades to my blog. :::grins:::
Today was another busy day that I barely had time to keep myself fed which I was ravenous when I pulled into McD's for Fillet of Fish. I seem to be obsessed with fish lately no particular reason why I just want a MacDonald's FISHY PATTY.
I know that its probably completely unhealthy of me and I forget to eat until I start to shake and realize hey dumb ass your body needs fuel you need to eat. I get distracted and busy so when im actually hungry there isn't anything that's readily made that I'm like screw it McD's it is. I cooked some killer Carne Asada taco meat today which everyone said they were kick ass. I think my cousin Anthony comes over for the food. I stayed up on the phone Gavin and talking about anything and everything. Forgetting the time till it was 2 am in the morning. Then I had to walk with Megan at 5 in the morning which I was like a damn robot hardly function on auto pilot thank god I can function with minimal brain power. I got thirsty on the way and I saw some sprinkles I am not coordinated enough at that time in the morning to actually hit allot of water in my mouth so it sprayed myself in my eye and nose. Smiles I'm a good damm retarded person in the morning. Well the benefit of it was I was instantly and completely awake and I could enjoy the fact that I'm alive in the morning. Smiles I love the conversations with Megan its passes the time quicker and I forget that I'm pushing myself to stay fit and get fit. Next week I get my gym membership and the real task of keeping my body the way I want it starts. I'm afraid I keep getting sharp pains in my stomach or I feel like I want to throw up all the time. Makes me detest James even more. I have felt so damn trapped and stuck with him and I thought if I left that he would die. I hate the fact that I'm pregnant when I didn't want to be. i feel guilty that I don't want to be pregnant that I would rather be happy with Gavin then sporting around a huge fucking belly that will come because of James. I get angry when my feet start to swell, I feel sick, depressed, angry, mean, short tempered, and most of all weight gain. I hate the fact that you were so fucking insecure that you couldn't trust me that you gave me weight gainer so I would gain weight instead of losing it. That you didn't trust me enough to make the right decisions when I could of easily cheated on you when I was tempted but I respected you enough not to cross the line. Hard to be faithful to a person when the sex is completely fail. That when I went to the gym to keep the weight off you were setting me up for failure along with Megan who I shared the pills with like a god damm retard. I hate the fact that you thought so little of me in the first place to do something so horrible as to deter my ability to keep in shape. I will not say this to you because Ill end up cussing at you and I don't want to give you the satisfaction in knowing that you have hurt me so deeply. I'm glad that he has stopped calling I have nothing good to say and it always ends with a ugly talk. I resented him towards the end and I think we both knew it. Megan reminded me the fact how I was completely miserable with James trying to fix something that wasn't broken on my end. Someone who wasn't meeting me halfway at nothing just complaining cause he couldn't buy a damm paintball gun when you don't have a license and can't put your priorities in order. Why am I the only one that understand bills first fun later? Or save for a rainy day just in case your damm car breaks or something? I think its because I have no one to depend on that I think ahead in the future that its me myself and I. I know that I will probably be independent for the rest of my life something in me is so fundamentally strong I can't really explain it. Or maybe its the famous Ellis pride in me that will not let someone know how much they have pushed my buttons without pushing your mother fucking buttons back. I'm proud of myself I was completely nice about what James did to me my mother was amazed that I was civil. I tried to reason with it to no avail he was dead set that he couldn't or wouldn't want to be a father. I look at him for the first time on how pathetic a person he really was and why did I ever decide that he was ever worthy of dating me I have no idea. I think I take in too many lost puppies that need to be saved or I want to fix everything I see that broken. Like my friends say Cassandra you can't fix everything that's broken but doesn't stop me from trying. Sometimes I feel like that I can never let someone in too close to me or Ill push away or I feel trapped. Marriage scares the ever living hell out of me completely what if I can't love that person for the rest of there life and if they love me in return how could I take that precious gift for granted. Or am I even worthy enough to give my love to someone and not have them hate me for it when I'm moody. I'm constantly weighing and analyzing everything that goes in my life am I doing too much too little ? I screwed up three relationships is something fundamentally broken with me that a person can't stand to be around me. Am I needy? To Independent cause I know I bounce between the two depending on my mood. I'll want you close and them be like fuck give me space I can't breathe and want to push you away. Anthony and everybody keeps coming over like I'm going to have this major melt down watching me I pretend that I'm not paying attention but I am. I see everything specially body language I pay attention to most things people don't. I like to watch people and see what they do is that strange? Sometimes I feel angry that I got the short end of the deal when it came to sex. I hate the mother fucking fact that every time your pathetic mother fucking ass attempted sex it was the most utterly failure sex I have ever endured. And when I told you about it you complained to me like it was my fault. That someone how I devastated your god damm ego that you couldn't even attempt to please your partner. The person whom you say saved your life from killing yourself because you were in such a pathetic place and couldn't go on living because DAO your wife was smart enough to leave you. I hate the fact that my mother talked me into staying when I really wanted to leave two years ago when I knew it wasn't working and trying to make something work when he is unworthy of Cassandra. I hated the guilt trips my mother would tell me and I hate failure don't like to fail at anything. My saving graces Megan and Gavin whom helped me when I have forgotten myself and let myself be dictated to by another or what they wanted me to be. I Cassandra will never be put myself in the position of what James did thinking that person was what he should of been. Now my child that I have growing inside me will not know you, can't know you, will not learn your weaknesses, and will not follow a bad example. All my children are beautiful and exceptional this child will be no different. I have yet to produce an ugly child and I pray this will carry over to my new son or daughter. Its strange I haven't felt pity for myself at all I think I felt disappointed that I person that I thought I knew could be so disgustingly pathetic. Am I the only one on the planet that believes in morals or some fundamental instilled value system. I know towards the end I completely resented the way you treated me sexually, emotionally, and the overwhelming neediness that you have. The insecurity you had with yourself that you tried to project it onto me. The fact that I'm smarter then you or better at things that me being smart was a bad thing. That you felt inferior to me was right you should of felt inferior to me but not for the reasons why you thought. I forgiven you but I don't have to like you and I will never speak to you Ill look thru you like you don't exist because you don't. Now I feel better in actually saying this out loud instead of just saying it to Megan. And the fact that I don't miss you at all should tell you something. I got over you in 6 hours and I'm extremely proud of myself my mother reminded me how strong i am and that was the nail that hit the head. I remembered myself and what Mo did to me and how I needed to be and that put things in motion. I took everything that even reminded me of you and put it in trash bags. Tomorrow ill think ill drop the rest of your shit to your parents so there is never an invitation for you to come to my house. I really want to move and disappear but thats not happening. I'll think ill settle for switching apartments for my own sanity I'm not sure if I have the self control not to want to smash my fists in his face. Gotta remind myself that violence is the primal instinct and i being the intelligent being should be above that. But sometimes seeing some blood shed really has some kind of satisfaction even if its fleeting.
I pity Gavin I'm trying not to incorporate my past experiences with him giving him complete trust which is easy... Your girl is completely and utterly smitten with you sometimes I forgot not to smile if that's possible. I make myself not text you because I know that I could possibly smother a person with too much texting. Sometimes I don't respond because I'm being mean and want to make you wait because I don't like this feeling that my happiness is so instant when I receive a text and it makes me smile. I don't like that I love the sound of your voice that even if im blind I would recognize you instantly. You told me you love my voice and I was thinking the same exact thing and refused to admit it. The facts are like fucking plain to me and I hate to even admit it to myself. I cringe at the effect or the way that you seem to have completely slipped through my guard so easily. You have always been my friend for so long that what if I don't have you? Ever wonder what existence would be like if you didn't have the person you love and you had to live your life without them and go on. How is such a task even possible where do you find that kind of strength? Ah but Cassandra dreams scary stuff when it comes true lots of stuff are like happening and its like deja vu. I knew this was going to happen it was just a matter of time and now that I have it what am I going to do with it. Am I even worthy of a person such as you Yeah I already know that answer but sometimes I have doubts even I can't be completely arrogant or vain im not perfect by any means. I can feel you thinking of me and its kind of uncanny that you fucking know that i just sit down and start to text me when I haven't even bothered to text you because im trying to control this butterflies in my stomache or my total and constant need to wanna talk to you. The feeling goes with Megan to I have to distance myself and thats so totally unworthy of you both. That one little damm word like muah can put a smile on my face that I can see you in my minds eye so completely that it scares me... Im happy by myself I know this I have my core happiness always have I'm silent and brooding peering at people with a microscope. I think I'm waiting for you to disappoint me and I'm sorry for it. I expect people to disappoint me and that's so fucking negative of me and I know it. It still boggles the mind that you want to even date a girl that's pregnant with another guys kid? Scares me that its so damm easy takes little or no effort I don't have to try it just is?! I hate the fact that you affect me and take me off guard that you push buttons that I didn't even knew existed. That with just words you touch my heart I feel loved by a person that has never met me one of my essential beings to my happiness my family. I cringe if I screw it up one of my best friends will be gone and I will be the one to blame. I fear that i may hurt you because I'm am responsible for the happiness of another person who is a beautiful soul. I don't want to destroy that light that's within you by being mean or insensitive. I'm afraid that I will hurt you Gavin might even destroy you or see you cry. Couldn't live with myself if I did your heart is too wonderful to hurt. What if I'm insensitive and hurt you out of being callous or just too plan stupid for my own good. which is so damm very easy your so damm charming for your own fucking good. I love the conversations most of the time its not perverted Gavin will slip something in there and ask me certain questions and I don't hesitate to answer. Grr your such a curious sort. Hmm I think imma refuse those pictures you asked for just on the merit that you ask everyone else for them which they obviously do otherwise you wouldn't have boobie pics and such. Imma be different and not give them to you! You can't continue to play the same thing you did with the other girls and have it work on me. Compared notes with Megan we pretty much know the same game you pull not that your not completely sincere in your pursuit of people just I don't want to be that person who is like everybody else. Not that I don't care I guess just that I refuse to be ordinary...
Megan texted me dead out of sleep and Im awake I hate it completely because now im here writing instead of being in the comfort of my own bed. So I leave this blog probably where I started being utterly confused on how lucky I am to have found this beautiful person who loves Cassandra Ellis. Holy Shit I said it out loud. Finally admitted it to myself and other people zomg. You read it first I am in love with Gavin Coak and it scares the utter living hell out of me my heart trembles with the repercussions of such an adventure. Wonders if your going to be the person who is finally going to break thru this wall that I put around myself?! I think I have written enough for one night. The writer comes out again holy hell im going to bed now or Megan will kill me....
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