The big move

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So yeah im moving soon getting my truck ready tomorrow im going to get rid of stuff that I dont need anymore and downsize what little I have left.  I am kinda sad to get rid of my couches that I love so damm much they have been with me forever.  But really Megan left me with little choice in the matter with her ultimatum she gave her husband.  Im kinda wondering why she is being nice to me all of a sudden you know like maybe her guilt should be kicking in.  I am not mean to her just honestly its not the same anymore she betrayed me in the worst way possible and im pretty sure she doesn't see it.  I am still doing the same things I did before but my heart isnt in it anymore she tries to talk to me and I nod my head but im not really listening.  Im glad for her finally getting off her butt and finishing up her paperwork for her citizenship maybe she will actually contribute to her husband for once and get a job good luck with that.  I will begin my new life with my friends and family in Idaho where I can finally find some stability I desperately need kinda sucks being alone all your life and having to depend on yourself.  I am hoping my stinking car will make it there which I have no doubts been fixing it left and right plus the accidents with my tires made me pay for something that already needed to be replaced.  What can I say im a very popular girl in someones book I guess.  I am very very very tired of being in this position alone been like this longer than it should of been.  I am completely glad im not with James anymore I rarely think of him anymore and why should I.  Those things are in the past now I must look into the future.
I hang  out with a couple of my friends online mostly Bryan who likes to make fun of me everyday sometimes its funny catches me off guard sometimes it pisses me off I think he enjoys the reaction I have.  There will be people I will miss when im out of phone range and internet access.  Im enjoying my access right now when its gone I know I will be kinda lost but I will focus on something new instead of the same ole stuff.  It will force me to get out of this shell that I have put myself in.  I cant wait to hang out with Mary and her family out in Idaho and in Utah.  I really want to be out of this place starring at these four walls is starting to take its toll.  Jill my wonderful friend I will get to see her family after so long and we can have a blast for a few days till I move to Idaho.  Going to be an awesome time our history goes way back a really long time.  When we all looked like sister because I dyed my hair burgandy all the time with my green green eyes and freckles which you cant see because I bleached them off...  I have this huge huge huge anxiety about moving contiplating calling Motau so he can see his daughter before we travel to Idaho.  But I am going to let that be up to Little Cassie it will be her decision to make.  Who knows what will become of all of this I hope that I am making the right decision with leaving my family behind but this is truely a shit hole of a place.  A lot of bad bad memories are here and I dont want to make new ones.  I love and miss my family Anthony, my mom, my grouchy ass grandmother Ola, my brother Ken, Danali, and Joanna who is  about to have a baby...  I am trying to stick around till the baby is born just so I can see that beautiful girl named Faithlynn before I shovel off.  I am scared and hopeful at the same time the unknow is going to be awesome.  I will see a whole new sunset and sunrise in a brand new place.  What more can I say other than the future is bright and lovely place but I must make a place for myself in this world.  I have to try to change the lives of my children and hopefully they can grow into the beautiful people they are.  I do not want them to follow in my footsteps at all and have this burden on them.  I already know I will never get married I will never let someone close to me again I have been burned too many times to try again.  My heart can't handle another heartbreak Megan almost killed me that pain was so damm deep its hard for me to look at her without sorrow.  For what was lost I cant ever replace my trust in her at all.  I am trying to be happy for her in her small success with her citizenship but it isnt in me anymore you know.  I am starring out onto this page wondering what the hell I am to do with my life there are times when I feel like just giving up and dying.  You have no idea how hard it is to be a single mother without hope.  Or not to have family that can help without putting you down for your decisions.  I know when I was in the position to help my family I gave up so much for them my career my life my happiness to make sure they lived.  My brother it has always been give me give me and I haven't ever denied him although we have our differences I have never hesitated to help him when he has asked for a place to stay even knowing he was on drugs.
Right now I feel really really sad you know like I shouldn't be in this place for much longer but I keep on going for my kids.  I know I am not the perfect mother I cuss to much and I lose my temper when I feel like they are disrespecting me.  But I love my kids like no ones business.  They are the ones that make me a better person I wouldn't be here if it wasnt for them.  My beautiful daughter Cassie amazes me everyday with how much she is like her father and I.  The anime cracks me up because thats totally both of us parents passion.  I am trying to get into new things I just dont know where to begin.  I will be pushing away people again because when I am out there how in the hell am I going to contact them cellphone will not be an option till I get a job.  So I leave this in the same exact place as where I begin Im still lost and clinging to the life I have but I have no motivation to begin another sad really...

This just keeps getting better and better

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So if you think she would actually leave me alone and quit her shit yeah right this wouldn't be Megan she actually had the nerve to lock the cat in with the bird early in the morning so it could get eat.  Luckily for Kiera she didnt kill my daughters bird otherwise Jeff would be forking over some money for a tame rare bird little does Megan know we got a discount with that bird cause I know the owner and they got me there sweetest tamest bird possible and recommend that bird to me.  I kinda of don't get her deal seriously have I went out of my way to hurt you!?  Answers no.  Hell I have asked if you want to go walking with me like old times and I got snapped at for asking and she went to her room im like really if you want to just get bigger thats fine with me but you dont have to be a bitch about it.  Kinda tired of her attitude problem she has been sporting for a really long time and blaming blaming blaming everyone else yes woman you can control yourself but you cant control anyone else its impossible.  You can control how you react to people places and things but you cant control everyone in your household.  I realize how she is being im pretty sure she is going to Maryann and saying how we are so terrible and making her life a living hell.  Lets discuss this.  Honestly whens the last time you actually got off your ass to clean?  A every sunday I power clean the bathroom and the kitchen which includes sweeping mopping scrubbing toilets sinks mirrors and worst of all that damm kitty litter thats seems to be everywhere since you wont get off your ass to pick it up.  Should be part of the whole cleanup kitty litter process cause everymorning when your barefoot going to the bathroom you step on it kinda gross if you ask me and every three days im sweeping this shit up so as to not have to step on it.  Now whens the last time you actually cleaned out the shower?   Hmm I would say over a month probally longer cause I haven't actually seen her clean other than her normal chores of dishes three times a week.  Not going to clean the livingroom cause hell its a hint to actually get up and clean probally not going to do it if I know her the only times she cleans if someone is expected over and then she makes a big fuss of actually cleaning and I let her do it by herself.  Cause hell I do it once a week you can too but thats too much to ask.  Jeff and I have had this conversation about her not cleaning the day we discussed me moving and her ultimatum and yes Megan I know about the ultimatum you gave Jeff like you would actually move to Canada no one would support you there but your parents and you like your freedom with Jeff.  I know she has gotten my letter to leave me alone isnt rocket science but dont try to be petty with me im not even going to sink to your level hell I couldn't if I tried not in me to be a complete asshat like your acting.  You ask her an innocent question like hey are you going to cook and she jumps down your throat saying crap at you.  Normally I ask because she never plans on cooking or setting anything out she has grown lazy about doing this you use to complain that you had to do it 7 days a week I get here and now im mostly doing it without complaint and you take it for granted.  I have been your friend for awhile been there when Garnet left your ass and you shit on me like its nothing.  Hell I took you to the gym while you bitched at me your going to die and pushed you cause I know you overeat and if I make you tired enough you will go to sleep instead of eating.  Honestly it worked for awhile and since I cant pay for my gym membership anymore she hasnt bothered going blaming it on Jeff that she has to stay up with him all night.  Honestly this finger pointing is getting tedious dont you think you can go look in the mirror and say hey im lazy I dont want to lose weight cause Jeff would put up with it cause he loves you.  Stop for the love of God pointing those damm fingers at us and take into account what your actions are cause where I stand the shit is getting thick here.  If you wonder why I avoid you the moment you get up is because I can already tell by the way you walk what mood you are in and yes I can tell when you are in a good mood which lately it is rare cause you blame shit on us.  How far do you think that shit is going to fly when we are gone and your still acting the same.  You forget I know what you did to Garnet and how you acted over there hell you told Gavin and I in vent how you acted I have not forgotten.  So im telling you for your own good MEGAN cause I know your reading this probally mad at this point I still love you no matter how shitty of a person you have become but if you dont change your attitude problem eventually even Jeff is going to get tired of your shit and leave you and ship you back to your own country.  When im telling you to shut up is because your screaming at me at the top of your voice getting angry and cussing at me told me already three times the same thing you wanted to tell me.  So you think you can not spit at me when you talk that would be so damm nice you have no idea.  Another thing none of us like it when you bend over in nothing but a tshirt showing off your girl bits it actually creeps us out you have no idea.  Ever wonder why I dont respond while your in a towel at my door that doesnt cover all your nekkid skin?  Or I try to hurry up the conversation so you will get dressed?  Im asking you to stop we wont be here much longer but your shittiness needs to stop and stop fast or I will call the cops the next time your out of control I mean this and then you can actually get the help you need like anger management and some medication for your depression and mood swings....  You remind me of my mother who was coming off drugs with how fast your mood swings and you dont give warning signs usually your just a nuclear bomb going off.  Try chilling a bit before you open your mouth would be so damm nice cause literally I dont know how much I can take before I snap right back at you.  You have no idea how long I have wanted to tell you this.  I just instead talk to Jeff who refuses to say anything in front of me on how crappy your behavior is told me he would talk to you in private.  Good luck with that one.  If you want to have any kind of friends Megan cussing at them A is very bad B spitting while talking disgusting C dont yell try whispering we will strain to try to hear you D learn to control your temper E stop being a bitch please I liked you better when you werent trying to be mean and rude all the time just because you can F.  Put some tlc when you cook stop trying to hurry through a process so you can get it done as fast as you can.  G stop looking for something to yell at us for when you arent so great yourself.  H.  Start cleaning your house dont let me do it just because you dont want to go out your room that excuse is getting tired and annoying.  We are in our room most of the time because of you or havent you figured that out.  I stopped wanting to hang out with you because you were being a bitch all the time and no matter what I said you took it wrong even if its with good intentions.

I dont want to argue with my best friend which is the reason for the longest time I have kepted my mouth shut and not said a word as you go all Tyrant on everyone in the house specially if you have to clean or cook.  I am still your friend but Girl you need a wake up call and fast this finger pointing at other people and not taking the blame for your actions is ridiculous.  Try helping cleaning cause im getting tired of you just not helping and complaining when your not putting in any effort to do so if you wondering how the house magically gets clean we dont have house elves it just Cassie cleaning it while you do nothing but complain get off your ass and help.  I will complain again to Jeff about your lack of motivation in cleaning and just being a general asshat.  The moment you cross me again im going directly to Jeff to say something your rude imma go to Jeff for now on so you can see how mean your being.  Grow up already and stop being a bitch its uncalled for I have helped you while you have been sick for awhile and this is what I get in return shitty ass behavior.  Quit it before I cant like you anymore?!

Sincerely Cassandra

The Truth hurts....

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So Megan gave Jeff an ultimatum for either us to leave or she was going back to Canada or to Maryanns shakes head oh really.  You can't see that I hide in my room because your always rude, cussing, yelling, and looking for something that we are doing wrong so you can jump down our throat.  She tried to lie to me directly to my face that it was because they were going to have their daughter in the house.  But Jeff told me the truth which reminds me why I liked him in the first place he choose to tell me the truth that Megan my best friend decided that we needed to leave.  I guess being  house elf to Megan while she lets me do all the house work but cooking or cleaning three times a week this is only the dishes otherwise she only cleans the cat litter box.  When I first moved into here she didnt do anything I was cleaning everything even when she wasnt sick I would cook or clean.  It was only when I said something that she actually started helping me out than that wasn't good enough she continued to be rude yell or cuss at me.  I told her many times to knock it off but when Megan is on one of those rolls she likes to roll with her attitude problem and the rest just duck and cover.  Jeff told me the reason why she didnt want us here Jade is terribad this I know Megan cant stand kids that act like kids she expects them to be quiet and not say a word good luck with that.  So now I have until August before school starts to get an apartment good luck with that if you cant find a job but whatever Megan wants Megan gets.  Im going to be staying in my room even more now whats the point of trying to make nice with a Tyrant who only cusses at you and blames you for all her problems.  I stand up for myself as she has been snapping and cussing at everyone all day.  Now she has gone and done the most shitty of shittiest of things she can do which is make me lose my kids because I dont have a place to take them cant get a place if you dont have a job with verifiable income.  But since she doesnt work and stays home and does nothing she doesnt understand that concept she is taken care of while the house elf does the work.  THANKS MEGAN I APPRECIATE HOW BACK STABBY YOU ARE.  So if she thought that I ignored her before the silent treatment is going to be started from here on forth once I lose my kids im done completely no if ands or buts.

I can see why she bought me clothes so she can free the house elf without guilt....  but i didnt get socks...

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Have you ever just felt restless like there is something your supposed to be doing but your not doing it?  Its getting worse this feeling maybe its the fact that im stuck in a room with my roommate going around throwing her weight around literally.  When she is in those moods we hide from her literally trying to stay out of her way normally its when she has to clean.  You can see the aura of her anger coming off her in waves everything just literally pisses her off you cant blame it on pms because she isnt bleeding.  Personally I think if she is getting laid and thats not helping her attitude problem than she needs to be medicated.  Asking her today to send a recipe to Bryan ended her given me a dirty look and complaining that staying up all night having to type the recipe for a friend really?  If looks could kill I would be dead then she storms in my room demanding the email address of Bryan then she shuts the door in my face without a word.  Comes back in a while later with its sent and another dirty ass look!  She was cussing at Jade for being a kid its like come on she isnt allowed to go watch a show because it would piss off Cassie and Megan went on and on about how Jade was going to annoy Cassie.  I was like really are you listening to yourself cuss at my kid like its actually okay to cuss at my child.  I pity the kids you have you have no damm patience whatsoever and saying thats its different when you have kids hahaha no that doesnt work and your going to turn into MOMMY DEAREST watch out for the wire hangers.  I think the kicker on the cake was when we are sitting at Dinner Table eating the food she prepared and her complaining that since we moved there that her blood pressure being high was our fault.  That was like really being overweight has absolutely nothing to do with your health problems?  I already know about whatever is supposedly passed down between your gene pool from your parentals but really things would improve if you lost a little bit of weight and werent so damm grouchy all the time.  I have watched you literally snap at people in restaurants because they didnt get your food right and im looking at you telling you its not right ME who is way to rude as well but thats going to far.  Just because its your house doesnt mean you can be a bitch and its okay literally snapping at everyone like poprocks without ever appologizing I had to tell you to knock it off twice today and you still didnt stop.  I went so far as to bring my food in my room and eat it because being in the same room with you was very toxic.  I can imagine what Sergio had to go thru with you as you were being rude to him the last days he was in the house.  I should of known what you would start doing to us because you can and thinking you have the right to do so.  I think people start to forget where they came from and what blessings they have and how lucky they have it.  Moral of the story Megan is if you dont have nothing nice to say keep your damm mouth shut its beginning to get out of control.  Unless you want me to tell you everytime your being a bitch and calling it out I would suggest you knock it off.  I dont even say anything when you dont clean the bathroom that I do everyweek or the kitchen floors being mopped or when your gone the livingroom I clean because I know your not going to do it.  I did it alot in the beginning to help you but you took advantage of it until I said something.  Now its like your have an attitude about everything you should probally focus more on the fact that one you still havent gotten your Alien Card in my country nor do you plan to because your scared.  Your allowing your husband to do everything without so much as really trying to help him what happens if he gets hurt where is the money going to come from.

Enough about psycho roommates who need to be medicated literally cause obviously sex isnt helping her....
I looked for work again called the usual temp agencies hoping they would send me out I want to work gods do I want to get out of her.  Tired of being crapped on by my roommate who thinks she is in the right cussing at my kids you should see her face turn red and the profanities spew forth.....   Im about ready to give up this overwhelming feeling is continuing only gets worse the more Megan continues her shit makes wish for death.  LET ME GET A JOB PLEASE GOD I WANT OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE AND MY BITCHY ROOMMATE.  Not cool when your always hiding in your room.

That offer of  being someones Mistress being taken cared of, free car, unlimited spending, and roof over my head is looking better and better.  All I have to do is have sex not a hard thing to do considering what the pay off is and getting out of here without it ending in ugly words cause its heading that way.

Only thing is I dont want to have sex whats the point really ends the same me usually getting the ugly end of the stick or worse a std <eyes big>.  Ever feel like your dammed if you do dammed if you dont cause right now thats what im feeling like this ever heavy weight on my soul that doesnt go away.  The saddest thing is that I feel this loneliness like im the only person on the planet more so with Megan being the way she is and us being more distant to each other not by choice I cant stand to be shit on in my own house either and yes its my house as well I pay rent here.  She told me not so long ago that I would never be married and I believe her who would have me?  No matter how cool I am or how that person might love me hell even James left...  She pointed out that Jade would ruin it being bad or Cassie would ruin it just being her can't argue with that kind of logic.  So got another text would just really puts my already feeling of hopelessness to its breaking point hows your  bj's really people really?  Not hi Cassie how are you doing but hows your bjs?!  Makes me wonder if there are really aliens posing as human beings because you definetly not human?!  No one is ever going to see past my outer shell its going to be the death of me I know it.  This hopelessness is growing my mother is depressed and I cant seem to help her fight her way out of it.  I dont like that my mother cries or lives on the damm porch in my grandmothers house because my grandma is mean and viscious.  She doesnt have the patience for someone who is mentally challenged at the moment.  My mother used to be this larger than life person moving mountains and making magic around her.  So damm determined she was to try to make it made me wonder where she got her strength from.  I have some of it not enough apparently because I somehow lost my mojo or spark and dont know how to get it back.  Im going to go to bed probally going to ignore again a lot of people just so I dont have to tell them of my situation its depressing.  Hopefully next week Ill get a job and things can start going back to normal where im in my own damm house and can actually make noise in the morning because my roommates stay up all night.  Not normal waking up noon everyday sorry its not!

Ever wished that someone would just sweep you off your feet and help you the fuck out of wonderland cause Alice has had enough of the Queen of Hearts she is trying to cut my head off....  Along with everyone else shouldn't of followed that damm rabbit down the hole....

Wandering minds and Sleepy thoughts

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So im kinda tired watched a Movie Marathon with Megan today Pirates of the Caribbean today for a couple of hours today back to back because they have the new movie coming out.  I got a gift card for there so ill take my girls there tuesday of next week so we can go see 5 dollar movie matinee whatever and save money lord knows the cost of soda and popcorn is ridiculous.  Took me four movies to actually come up with 100 questions that I didnt already ask plus the constant interuption from Jade kinda sealed the deal for me made it difficult to already put together conscious thought.

I turned back on my phone today probally should call back the peeps I have been avoiding talking to or wanting to hang out.  I dont want to go get drunk I dont want to go get high I dont want to go hang out I think that what they want to do isnt particularly fun at all.  I need to call my mother and see how she is doing and invite her to go see a movie with me just to let her know that we can do something as a family.

I sit here confused on what to write how much to say what little to say where to edit where to exploit all the little thoughts that go thru my head.  I miss my friend Carla I miss my friend Chiengmay I miss my friends whom Im not going to name just because you read my blog but know that I love you all individually some more than other some im in the process as loving as my friends.  I almost didnt renew my cell phone this month on the whole proviso that I had an excuse not to call anyone.  I don't feel like picking up the phone and speaking to people I feel like I should withdrawl completely so that I dont add unneccesary bullshit to other peoples lives just because I cant and wont do something about it.  I really do feel withdrawn from society like im on the outskirts of my life looking in.  Some days are easy spent with laughter and smiling all day.  Others im very frustrated trying to handle everything on my own not saying a word because its easier to smile than to frown at what I cant or wont change.  I know that I still have some growing up to do this I fear will be the death of me.  I am way to impatient for my own good I dont know how to be more patient.  I frown a lot or get angry at the littlest of slights.  I am quick to anger when you piss me off.  Today in a car this black lady was cussing me out wanting to fight and all I could say back to her was lady your handicapped would that be a fair fight.  Like come on really you cut me off and then cuss at me but im supposed to let you disrespect me without saying anything back.  At least her husband was apologizing for her rude behavior.  I just looked at her and smiled my prettiest smile and waved at her.  Which pretty much made her more than pissed at me since she slammed on the brakes in my suv.  Little known fact I have the ugliest white suburban on the planet a serious gas hog eats my money like nothing but it gets me here to there without much complaint.

I really dont want to go to bed I know im tired as all hell but I cant and I wont sleep im restless and I know it.  Im trying to be more calm and more easy going not working but im trying.  All I am asking at the end of the day god is save me from me im my own worst enemy.  I have it good right now I shouldn't complain cause I know for a fact things can be worse I have lived thru worse.  Let me be grateful for the small things that make me wonder make me laugh make me smile.  And forget about those people who only want to bring me down use me or otherwise take from me which isnt theirs in the first place.

Why I woke up today

Mountain Dew
Twizzlers makes mouths happy
Captain Jack Sparrow
Push up Bras to keep the girls exactly where they are supposed to be THANK YOU GOD I HATES BIG BOOBS
Erotic Poetry
Well placed Unendos
Ill timed Kisses
EPIC SEX im still waiting
Tang licked off the body
Web Cams with my friend
Uncontrollable smiling
World of Warcraft
DOG TAGS
Rocky Road Icecream
Little touches in the dark

Are you going to kiss me or not

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So I did the much needed cleaning of my room sweeping moping the floors tomorrow imma lysol everything with the anti asshole spray lol.  Changed my sheets and pretty much made it the way its supposed to be of course Cassandra disappeared in the whole cleaning process.  Jade looked at me like I was crazy for even suggesting that she help me clean her mess.  I dusted everything again have to clean off my monitor tomorrow and power clean my desk and thats the last of the mess in my room.  Getting pretty tired today was like a blast in a glass over and over again I cracked up.  The conversations that came from shotty ass internet had me laughing so hard that i was on the ground giggling till i cried.  Stuck me so damm funny you have no idea.  SO i wants to see the whole coffee projectal fountain towards offending objects in slow mo.  SLOW MO say it with me one more time SLOW MO.  Imagine if you will quoting different songs titles and I quote Thompson Square Are you going to kiss me or not.  Now here is where fate has a little joke on said monkey who is minding his own business tryng to drink his coffee all by his little lonesome and here comes Cassie IM:  are you going to kiss me or not.  BAMM boy spits coffee all over himself going WTF?  internet cuts off again :MONKEY long pause internet comes back CASSIE IM:  THOMPSON SQUARE I like her hair  MONKEY i just spewed all over myself brb napkins.  Now Cassie still doesnt understand what all the fuss and hoopla is over this entirely innocent conversation looking at him like wtf?  why are you questiong this song?  Was the first thing in my head and he was like umm that statement.  TEE HEE HEE the damm internet messed up on his end and all he saw was that made me smile cause I can only imagine what was going thru his head and how he was going to manuever past the harpy with his body in tact.  Harpy Monkey contract I will not eat him as long as he is entertaining.  No sexual contact will be made to said Monkey unless he wants to be eaten by said HARPY.  lol HARPIES are known to be distracted by the SHINEY and MUSIC luckily for  this HARPY my MONKEY is a few bricks SHY of a HOUSE.  <smiling>  narrows eyes thinks to self I CAN use this to my advantage let the games commence.  <evil laughter>  The benefits of MONKEY are as follows he gets once a month flea dips.  I throw soap on him and throw him in the nearest body of water and hope and pray to god mother fucker knows how to swim if not the collar around his neck I drag back in with a flick of my LEASH.  He hasnt been tagged yet which tomorrow I am so going to remedy the situation and send him his very own dog tags just in case he is ever missing they can return to sender.  HE gets fed all the bananas he wants till his little monkey stomach is full.  He gets scratches behind the ears and petted on his wittle head like all good little monkeys he likes his attention.  Will finish later my brain has suddenly shut down and I needs to sleep...

Exhausted

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today I woke up with a complete and utter sore throat Megan woke me up to her Cat SINGING b day card omg its pretty cute. Went shopping with her got two capri pants and two knock out shirts pretty awesome purple and pink black combination megan says they are flashy how else are you going to get distracted unless its to draw attention away from my books hello folks look at my face. I have amazing green eyes that are deep and soulful. Im just waiting for the whole world to catch up to the idea that Im fucking awesome grins. Oh wells people are slow learners and you all cant have Team Cassie T-shirts I guess only the cool ones grins. Did I mention my throat is sore as hell people kepted wanting me to talk to them sad face. I avoided calling my cousin like I should because it was really too painful to talk. Im hella tired you know really tired so this isnt making sense shoot me put me out of my misery. Watching Burlesque show hella cool but I like stuff like that go figure.

Went and walked for an hour while listening to my Ipod sang some danced some just plain was goofy yes I dont care what you think. I was in my own little world for awhile and then I was like three blocks from the house and realized I was starving and headed home All I ate today was my kung pao chicken. Hard to eat when swallowing hurts like a mo fo you have no idea really.

Going to start the book Bryan got me tomorrow I have read all of Megans books already Havent told her cause it would probally make her mad including the new ones smiles I read about two books a day sometimes more sometimes less depending on the nature of the books if they are interesting I consume them easily. I like reading its one of my favorite things to do James use to get mad at me that I would block out everything and just be gone for a few hours he was like how can you read and find that entertaining. Hell idiot how can you not? Smiles but look at where he is at right now and then we can all laugh together.

I feel pretty today I blacked my green eyes so they would pop wore light eyeshadow and a pretty burgandy pink lipstick to match my hair and bow instant hottie again. yeah I know im pretty but Im not conceited may sound like it but I grew up ugly lol this is no joke. I have horror stories growing up and I learned at age 7 to defend myself and my brother till he started in on me to be in the in crowd. Well now look at me asshats you want to date me now but I wont have nothing to do with you go figure.

I end this blog with the same thought I had when I woke up this morning going why me lord why me with my throat on fire and Jades voice going mommy can I cuddle with you. Stayed in bed a little while longer rubbing Jades back till she fell asleep again then listening her snore in my ear was cute because thats our thing either painting nails or cuddling. She hugs me entirely way to much but I guess thats the way Jade is shes a hugger. Walks up to total strangers hugs them or starts a conversation she is fearless that kid.

My chinese fighting fish Mango is currently starring at me intently I think he wants to be fed or something but I fed him this morning. Cassie would kill me if I killed her fish from over feeding the poor bugger. Cause everytime I move my hands he swims to the surface acting like there is something there and then stares at me. Kinda creeps me out a little Im like i wont look away first hell no fish your not going to win this battle of wills. But Mango has home field advantage if I dont blink my eyes dry up for the lack of moisture. If he keeps his eyes open he is lubricated already no fair no fair no fair.

Gots to put poetry in this new book I bought Jade wrote all over the one Blaine gave me when I turned 21 So I have to find another lined book to put in there. I still love its awesome green cover its amazing the celtic design on its priceless. I have to put my besties poetry in there so if something happens to my damm computer I can read his shit and be amused bewildered and awed by the fact that some human can capture moments like that and put it to pen and paper. Im amazed and awed by him completely you have no idea. I am this lucky girl who decided to strike up a conversation with a random stranger one night in vent and discover this amazing person. I have an awesome friend I know this he is going to be one of those essential people you know. I cant wait till he gets married so I can see all the little spawn that come from him and her so I can see how wonderful they are going to be you know. I think tonight I will pray for someone for him so he can be happy again or ask god to send his girl back down to him again. I believe in Second chances why cant he have it?

I was thinking about the love thing and who in this life when I die was the love of my life. Pretty easy only one person has captured my heart I still love him. I love my friends and past lovers dont get me wrong but the first cut is the deepest. Where you give your all to a person who either loves you back or they dont. In this case he didnt love me enough to tell the truth. I cant listen to All 4 One without crying. When your a girl growing up with your mom being beaten on by your dad you pretty much have a clear understanding how guys arent supposed to act. I told myself that I would never let a man hit me without fucking the ever living shit out of him in return. This has been the case all my life you touch me I guarantee that whatever touches me imma break the fucker off. My mother is traumatized from this from a very young age I cant ever let someone belittle me or disrespect me my hand punches your dumb ass in the face without thinking knee jerk reaction. To my shitty ass father Marvin Charles Morris next time I see your ass imma kick it you owe my mother an appology for being a complete and utter shit. I try hard not to act like you my mother says its in my nature to be bad I believe her my father has been in and out of prisons and I have tried hard not to follow in his footsteps. Knock on wood I am nothing like him I am more then afraid that I am like my mother. My temper isnt as bad as my mother she doesnt think about hitting people she just does it. I usually can see the signs before I go apeshit unless it has something to do with my kids.

Hmm my list of why I woke up

chocolate cake with red frosting
poetry
wanted sex but didnt get it my choice
world of warcraft
hanging with my friends
my everyday cuddle session with jade
books
green tea with lemon honey and sugar
cinnamon raison bagel with cream cheese
The color purple
Nail polish my addiction is growing
Pictures that I want to see
Listening to my favorite person talk 

The Boyfriend List of Qualities

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1.   Good sense of humor you might not find me funny but enjoy some kind of humor
2.   Loyalty is a must dont try to play a girl out just because you can
3.   Sincere in your actions and words just dont do or say anything just to appease me
4.   Must like videogames this is one of my favorite past times other than online games or board games please please dont complain at me if I am doing this
5.   Must read a book of some kind I dont expect you to be a book worm but I dont want to be bothered if I am faraway in a book its my time let me enjoy it.
6.   HAVE A JOB OMG this is self evident...
7.   Intelligent I dont expect you to win a your local contest on who is the smartest but brains is a very good thing.
8.   Sweet natured being mean to me wont win you any points just makes me wanna ignore you more
9.   Writes or appreciates Poetry
10. Honesty a requirement
11. Trustworthy in words and deeds
12. Great kisser cause if you drool or suck at it gods shudders
13. Cuddles love it when they hold you at night
14. Holds your hand in public
15. Hugs
16. Willing to please your partner
17. Willing to compromise
18. Good looking not a must but it helps
19. Loves me flawed and all
20. A beautiful Soul

Harpies vs Monkies

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I haven't written in awhile not that I dont have nothing to say I just don't want everyone in my business but peeps keep bugging me to write so here I am.  I am writing poetry again and no im not dating Gavin he called me the other day to tell me someone died I was like really I dont really care.  Dont speak to me only time you do is when you are having problems and if you listened to me in the first place I might be able to help you negotiate out of shit but regardless your young you will have to beat your head against a wall before it sinks in.

Still haven't found a job kinda depresses me out because im know im skilled but regardless I would of thought my sparkling good humor and my looks would get me in the door lol.  My friends tell me to go where a short skirt and some high heels like I would ever stoop that low to do that cracks up.  My resume has been sent and still nothing kinda makes me feel like im doomed you know.  Tired of sitting home afraid to spend money because what if something happens I must prepare for the inevitable fuckups that are bound to happen.

Ooooh before I totally totally forget one of my besties aka Monkey aka Bryan sent me this totally cool box full of goodies I looked at it and was like damm.  Kind of amazes me that there are people out in the world who do nice shit for the sake of doing them you know.  I thought I was the only one who did that to make people smile.  I was kinda taken back you know pleasantly surprised it was kinda like xmas except I didnt have to leave cookies out for santa.  I went to go buy the stuff for cookies but megan lost my card and I have to wait 10 days for a new one kinda made me mad but what can you do.  I was going to surprise my bestie with three dozen of cookies chocolate chip yummy...  Try to return the favor with something I know I can totally pull off I just have to figure out how to ship cookies to Germany.  He surprises me he writes the most beautiful peotry I have ever seen since Jason Freston.  Thats where I learned to write was from Freston I found his poetry book one day he left it in my back back when he was getting my school books together and I think he did it on purpose.  I really wish I could share some of the stuff but I cant I made a promise but oh my god that boy has the talent.  Visually its brings you into the situation with this beautiful verbal scenery sometimes it makes me cry others make me laugh.  Some are hauntingly sweet and lovely to his wife who most of been one special person to be given the most thought provoking poetry ever.  I want to be loved like that to be cherished and know your loved  it amazes me.  Makes me strong to keep not settling for bullshit guys and just wait for the right one and not settle for whatever comes my way.  Gavin was a serious lesson of what not to do and who not to trust. I am afraid I can admit this freely I have walked away from love because he lied to me and I dont think I should of given him a second chance when he abandoned his kid in the first place and you know you did.  I know that I am a big softie when it comes to peeps I love.  Some people are fast becoming new loves that I love as my friends who will become family whether they like it or not.  You dont get to choose your family but you get to choose friends who become your family like lost cousins or something.

So I have been hanging out with Bryan whom is my henchman playing world of warcraft its always a blast and he doesnt mind my humor.  He pointed out that Im overly sexual but he is the one commenting that I use the word suck alot.  I think its his brain all screwed up and he is just laying the blame on me smiles.  Okay I can admit the bantering is fun and im enjoying myself its all in good fun as long as someone doesnt lose an eye we are all good.  Thanks Bryan your making wow totally fun.

Hmm what to say I have a damm cold my throat hurts like hell been drinking green tea with lemon and honey all day to combat it.  Spraying my throat with chloraseptic which has codine in it im highly allergic to so I had to take an antihistamine to combat my throat closing up yeah win win today lol.  Just was trying to cool the damm burning in my throat which the symptons came on in just one day thank you Jade and Cassie for bringing home the plague I resisted it for two weeks but damm I had to miss step somewhere because im paying for it now.  I have this huge headache so I probally didnt handle it well when Gavin called complaining about his problems.  I was moody pissy and bitchy sad face but I was like damm boy you only text me when you have no one else well im not here anymore jerk.  I have tried to be there for you but you push me away again and again saying im too helpful how in the hell can I be too helpful?  WTH?!

Anyways gearing out my Mage Exoticmage almost done got two more stuff to add to it and then its done happy face.  Then its the fucked up pally which I hate that does piss poor dps and is embarrassing Im sticking it out but doesnt mean I have to like it one little bit.

Good night much love 

Changes

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ever wonder why things happen in your life for a reason i kinda quite wondering and just go with the flow of things.  so many many hurdles i have to overcome and i do kicking and screaming along the way.  i kinda wonder how my mother did it when she was completely sane and not the wreck that she is today.  strange that she can't seem to function in reality without crying and being depressed nothing i can do to help her she has distanced herself from me and from everyone.  except mona and my daughter cassie can't trust my daughter to be around her its not safe anymore i know this my mom is disturbed.   her thought process is so messed up and she doesnt care anymore the life has taken its toll and whatever that has happened has done damage that cant be fixed.  sitting here in my livingroom cold cause i dont want to get a sweater on and i kinda refuse to go get one till this is done.  pretty soon ill have to get my girls up so they can go to school and see if i can make magic happen today or not?!  not sure if i can pull a rabbit out of my hat and do this wondering always wondering if im going to fail.  i hate failure trying to recover enough to not be in this situation but its not happening like i planned.  im tired real tired of this...  tired of the situation that he put me in tired of trying to get out of the situation but im glad he is gone.  one less person to hold up while he is trying to find himself after dao and using me to get there.  i gotta move so its going to be some hard decisions on what stuff to bring and what stuff to just throw away i have no one to help me move it so there you go.  Keep what i need and just chuck the rest.  sad my stuff is fading away and there is nothing i can do about it...

Everything

I have rewritten this a couple of times and still it seems so damm harsh to me I dont know how to sugar coat anything. Wondering if im going to be waiting forever for something that isnt even going to happen... Thinking of moving with my cousin in Mississippi that is guaranteed nothing else here is. I think that my hope is pretty much dashed at the moment really dashed im like one step away from failure serious failure and there isnt nothing I can do about it either. If one thing happens on the truck im screwed nothing i can do with it but just walk away from everything kids family everyone. Cause I dont fail but something has to happen or everything is lost im not looking forward to my options either better to give up entirely where at least they would be happy then nothing. Im going to decide at the end of the month what im going to do but im thinking im just going to give the kids back to the mutual parents and say fuck it and try to get my shit together and then get them back if I can which I know Cassie isn't even an option but im not doing what im supposed to about getting a job cause its just not working. IDK what to do anymore but my hope is dashed my faith my love my dreams kinda done. Im failing and im not use to failure you know whatever im determined to have or do usually i move heaven and earth to have it get it or possess it but even I am not able to do it this time.... sad

7

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Well today started off good and still hasn't ended yet but it has a good note to it nothing out of the ordinary happened I dreamed of my dad which put me in a good mood. Strange how a little thing like that can put pep in your step. The day before I was an emotion wreck trying to get thru the day without crying my eyes out and whatever song popped on the radio would cause more emotional trauma I tried to avoid. Didn't happen Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton came on the station I was listening to and there I was crying my eyes out. Little known fact I dont like to cry most of the time I will stop myself from crying just to prove a point that you didn't hurt me sometimes even I cant control myself. There are somethings you just miss that ever loving heaviness in your chest. I had that anxiety panic attack thingy going on in my mind and in my heart where I was struck dumb counting off in my head what little family I have left. Wondering if I ever screw up with my life what would happen to my own little family. So pretty much I already know that im alone in this world except for my mother who does help me completely. My brother is useless because he is chasing his own demons and hasnt learned to grow up yet!!! Sad because he had so much potential in his life that he ruined it with drugs and has no prospects but to fall back into drugs hopefully he can stay sober and clean but he is slipping.

Hmm on to walking I walk everyday except when I stay up to late and can't walk for fear of driving off the road with my kids in the truck that would be very very very bad. So then I skip it and try for the night time walking but that doesn't happen because im sometimes raiding in world of warcraft. Dammit I can't wait for cataclysm to come out so I can raid the new content and not be bored to death. Aoiri had it right when he said he was through with this expansion they need to hurry the fuck up with the release date. I really want to play the new dungeons and have new stuff to look forward to instead of being bored off my ass trying to help people get gear. Sigh.

Well im done for the night I am having to stay up till 3 am in the morning to get boxes to move because I want to save money unless I get a job lets pray that I get a job I really really really want one dammit. I dont want too have to stay at my friends house and annoy the ever living shit out of them or have Jeff hide because he can't stand Jade buggy or Cassandra. Which is probally what he is going to do because he is used to being alone. Doesn't matter that we are friends he will still want his space. Well went to my interview and we will see what happens with my background check which I have no felonies or any criminal record whatsoever so that is a shoe in for me. Yeah for a job! Otherwise imma go to school for Dental Assistant like I want to and start making money that way when I get out of school. Well you guys have a great day keep coming back and Ill yell at you later.
Sweet Dreams <3 Cassie

The Reasons why I woke up today

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The Reasons Why I Woke up Today!

1) Couldn't stop myself from breathing oh bother the automatic breathing thing shit thats unfair...

2) Another day to breathe in the sunshine

3) Blue Metalic Nail Polish

4) The never ending persuit of Happiness

That should be enough reason for now enough said...

A bad day

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Gods where to begin I tried to help my brother today and it blew up in my face my most unselfish act that I have ever done for my brother. I tried with all my heart to help my brothers happiness along cause I know if he doesnt have something to cling to he will die. I know this with every fiber of my being because he is fractured too much bad shit has happened in his life for him to want to care about anything else. I thought maybe if someone loved him enough and he could love her in return that maybe his fate can be changed. I hate the fact that even with my superior problem solving skills I cant strategize my way out of this or even help in some small way. So I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now this intense crushing feeling on my chest that wont let go. I hate that god damm fate of knowing shit I shouldnt know and not being able to do anything about it. But its not in me to give up im a fighter always have been but there are times even I can see the uselessness of the situation. I knew the god damm famous Pride that runs in our family that my brother would probally fuck it up and it reminded me to be humble myself. I am arrogant vain prideful that I wont allow people to hurt me and I push away those that I love because I know that if I do they can't ever hurt me. hard for me to suck up my pride and let someone in cause I always got to be in control well im not going to be that person anymore im going to just let it be and hope fate smiles on me. Gods how I wish fate would smile on me I dream about it can I just for once have everything I need without it always being a god damm struggle. Im going to pray tonight haven't done so in so long and I hope god is listening to me when I do and it wont be for myself either im not stupid enough to ask. But for my brother because he is my family my blood what else can I do but try?! My heart is so heavy I have cried tonight and probally will cry again because I can't sleep and walking doesnt seem to take away this heaviness and burden that I can't contain. Please let me find a job soon I don't want my kids to suffer because of my poor choices in men please. You know at the end of my life I hope it isnt a struggle the same way I can in I dont want to have to go out with a struggle at life or a struggle at death I want to go peacefully in my sleep. My heart is heavy. There are times like right at this moment that I really need a hug and someone to cuddle with can't always be strong. I am going to sleep now hope the world is a little better place tomorrow...

The Meltdown

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Had a complete lapse in sanity a moment where i was like wtf im inpatient was talking to the bf and he didn't respond took like 20 minutes still nothing. Got mad text and then still nothing... Called and then was like it went to voicemail which pretty much set me off for the night of just being completely irate and emotional. He called back while i was texting him which i accidently hit reject when i was texting trying to send which sucks god damm small buttons. Makes my fingers feel large when i know i have tiny ass fingers in the first place this phone is made for a god damm little person but then again if im not mistaken they got fat chubby little fingers like babys. Told the bf that i would talk to him after i calmed down talked to my mother on the phone because she called me during my jog yes i jog just really hate to jog rather walk long distances at fast paces specially when im tired. She actually made me feel better had me crying on the phone on the end because my mother reminded me what the little things are and i was being a Diva today and it was my bday. Gavin texted me back which guess what the stinking cell phone which everyone and there dog was using today it was freaking dead like DOA dead so guess what another frustrated day of guess what no damm texting or messages passed to one of the few people i enjoy talking to other then my besties. Got home felt like complete dog shit cause i ran all the way home like a the devil was on my back cause i said give me five minutes i will be home. Honestly it took more like 15 or 20 minutes because a) was further away from house then i thought i was b) got distracted trying to find the damm charger which it wasn't where i put it no big surprise there c) after all that mess of finally finding it i had to put jade to bed because she was still up wanting to sleep with me. All this with the stupid car blowing a tire more money to spend more money to spend which i have been trying not to spend any what so ever and wham something else happens this happens that happens. At this point Bf's texting me and all of a sudden i couldn't for the love of me stop crying it just poured out of me. Texting while blurry thats a winner, blow my nose, and then cry some more. 20 minutes later still no better then i was before but now im tired... Bf is still texting me which in my mind we probally should of been talking at this point but no matter... Honestly i think i was just tired, stressed, annoyed, and virtually everything that could of gone wrong did.... So Cassie wasn't wearing her big girl pants today she needed to cry just a little bit and maybe tomorrow wont feel so insane.... I thanks Megan for the gifts she brought me and that omg insanely good pie that fell in my lap and of course i made a hella funny statement that wont be posted here but was food for thought for everyone. Hmmmmm maybe ill try it later zomg... Going to bed now that i finally made peace with myself wondering if im suffering from post partum depression thinking of going to see a doctor really dont like doctors but this is ridiculous i really dont remember the last time i cried for no reason or just being miserable and moody! Im like wth people throw me a bone here... alright going to bed will write later when something is good enough to put in here... Got to hand it to the bf for putting up with me i feel insane right now can't sleep eat irratable impatient cant eat tired wide awake depressed wth....

songs

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ever have one of those moments where you are brought back to a place where that song you were listening to at the time brought you back to a moment in time you would like to live again even for just a moment. i had one of those free moments where you are at complete peace with yourself at the top of byu mountain THE Y.

Annoyed

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I don't know why im really annoyed but i am annoyed when I was in this totally great mood but just one little comment on the phone sets me off doesn't say much for my mental sanity. I tried going back to my happy place and then it hits me again and im moody again its like wth snap out of it women. Then he calls me right now in the middle writing this blog and reminds me of the massive pee pee touch how in the hell am i supposed to stay mad at that. Its like dammit now all i can think about is pee pee touches okay its a joke sounds perverted it is slightly perverted but mostly its just to make each other laugh. Grrr now im not in a bad mood anymore I learned from the Osho teachings that if you deny yourself sex you become angry and violent. Okay one im already angry two probally wont do bodily harm anytime soon and three will not be getting sex for a long time not anytime soon. okay maybe thats my problem in the first place oh well no sex is better then terrible sex in anyway shape or form. Seriously though i have this enormous noise in the living room where my brother is watching movies it is way too loud but he is mostly deaf in an ear so he is relying on his other ear to hear and that doesn't cut it for me. Cassandra is blending something in blender with margarita mix without alcolhol she wants a strawberry drink i think my kid is nuts but thats besides the point. Thats berry berry creative once you think about it she added ice cream ice cubes margarita mix yummy. No I dont keep alcolhol around the house thats just plain retarded I would probally be tempted to drink it but I dont like to drink so that should tell you something. Although icees in any form i love taking megan to one again sometime soon when i get the money is so an option i want. I think thats the theme of this damm blog i want i want i want. what I want is so damm far away and he festers this fever with more outrageous behavior then before and i cant fight it tired of fighting it. its quite annoying all together wanting a person so damm far away and basically i dont want sex want to hang out and cuddle is that toooo damm strang for you peeps. probally so since i talk about sex all the time grrr thats because thats a focus when you dont get it you want it and when someone flaunts it you want it and its a viscious circle continuing on its path until something is either resolved or i die of exploding body parts namely the va jay jay. okay yeah this is probally not going to happen because plenty of guys probally deal with an increased libido and can't do nothing about it but whack off in the dark or watching porno sickos every last one of them ahahahhahahaaha sick ass bitches. okay seriously though if you watch porn more then three times a week your seriously whacked in the head yo. cough i know a person thats does this and he isnt a whack job but gets me to wondering what the hell do you do other then watch pornos. Oh Birthday coming up soon september 15 old lady coming thru old lady coming thru. yes im not hip anymore im old going to be 34 still young i guess but i wouldnt change it. rather cant wait to die something interesting stuff will happen get to talk to god ask all sorts of questions get answers either go to heaven or hell that story will have to be continued at another time.


Sweeeet people im finally done aren't you glad yeah bitch is going to sleep woot the world sleeps easier hahahahahaha. Okay now off to bed before i really kill peeps love you goodnight.

Work it Let me work it

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I got to go to work today and hang out with peeps I haven't hung out with a very very long time. They kepted asking me where I was hiding out and why haven't I talked to them in like forever. Yeah and then the same bullshit do you have a boyfriend yada yada yada wanna go drinking with us tonight since its friday. Sigh NO! I told them I was a recovering alcolholic that my AA would definetely suffer from the reprecussions if I partake in some alcolholic beverages. Chuckles a little white lie helps people whose only entertainment is chucking down some alcolhol to me you dont have to drink to have a good time. Hmm I came home and made dinner no surprise there that my brother couldn't help with anything his only excuse was Im sorry I dont know how to cook Im like damm fool UTUBE that shit follow the video instructions. But anyways I made an excellent dish of bellpepper, onions, jalepenos, carne asada, and tomatoe which was like oh so delicious. Im kind of obsessed with bellpepper and fish at the moment I really wanted a fish fillet from mcdonalds thank god there isnt a Mc D's near my work that would be my food of choice. Get to go to work with Jeff which would say money because my beast of a suburban eats my money like crazy scary scary.
Towards the end of the shift when I know second shift was coming in I was starting to become nervous. I dont want to see James or talk to James because im afraid of what I will do like either beat the crap out of him or yell. I like to think I would just look thru him like the last time he tried to talk to me and take the upper road! Please God I don't want to see him for his own personal safety let us get out early like normal day shift happens the whole 30 minutes early. I saw him and took off in the other direction as fast as humanly possible without drawing attention to myself and dodging thru cars thank you god. So im hoping next week it will be the same if I take the same route and continue to do the same thing maybe thru the whole shit I will never never never have to come face to face with him. Well im tired and I think I will go to sleep the boyfriend is distracted as usual always always always always distracted chuckles look at the SHINEY. Sometimes I wish I was your Shiney a little disappointed that you always are distracted by whatever catches your fancy...

Dear Mr. President

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Morning Ramblings...

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Today was another busy day that I barely had time to keep myself fed which I was ravenous when I pulled into McD's for Fillet of Fish. I seem to be obsessed with fish lately no particular reason why I just want a MacDonald's FISHY PATTY. I know that its probably completely unhealthy of me and I forget to eat until I start to shake and realize hey dumb ass your body needs fuel you need to eat. I get distracted and busy so when im actually hungry there isn't anything that's readily made that I'm like screw it McD's it is. I cooked some killer Carne Asada taco meat today which everyone said they were kick ass. I think my cousin Anthony comes over for the food. I stayed up on the phone Gavin and talking about anything and everything. Forgetting the time till it was 2 am in the morning. Then I had to walk with Megan at 5 in the morning which I was like a damn robot hardly function on auto pilot thank god I can function with minimal brain power. I got thirsty on the way and I saw some sprinkles I am not coordinated enough at that time in the morning to actually hit allot of water in my mouth so it sprayed myself in my eye and nose. Smiles I'm a good damm retarded person in the morning. Well the benefit of it was I was instantly and completely awake and I could enjoy the fact that I'm alive in the morning. Smiles I love the conversations with Megan its passes the time quicker and I forget that I'm pushing myself to stay fit and get fit. Next week I get my gym membership and the real task of keeping my body the way I want it starts. I'm afraid I keep getting sharp pains in my stomach or I feel like I want to throw up all the time. Makes me detest James even more. I have felt so damn trapped and stuck with him and I thought if I left that he would die. I hate the fact that I'm pregnant when I didn't want to be. i feel guilty that I don't want to be pregnant that I would rather be happy with Gavin then sporting around a huge fucking belly that will come because of James. I get angry when my feet start to swell, I feel sick, depressed, angry, mean, short tempered, and most of all weight gain. I hate the fact that you were so fucking insecure that you couldn't trust me that you gave me weight gainer so I would gain weight instead of losing it. That you didn't trust me enough to make the right decisions when I could of easily cheated on you when I was tempted but I respected you enough not to cross the line. Hard to be faithful to a person when the sex is completely fail. That when I went to the gym to keep the weight off you were setting me up for failure along with Megan who I shared the pills with like a god damm retard. I hate the fact that you thought so little of me in the first place to do something so horrible as to deter my ability to keep in shape. I will not say this to you because Ill end up cussing at you and I don't want to give you the satisfaction in knowing that you have hurt me so deeply. I'm glad that he has stopped calling I have nothing good to say and it always ends with a ugly talk. I resented him towards the end and I think we both knew it. Megan reminded me the fact how I was completely miserable with James trying to fix something that wasn't broken on my end. Someone who wasn't meeting me halfway at nothing just complaining cause he couldn't buy a damm paintball gun when you don't have a license and can't put your priorities in order. Why am I the only one that understand bills first fun later? Or save for a rainy day just in case your damm car breaks or something? I think its because I have no one to depend on that I think ahead in the future that its me myself and I. I know that I will probably be independent for the rest of my life something in me is so fundamentally strong I can't really explain it. Or maybe its the famous Ellis pride in me that will not let someone know how much they have pushed my buttons without pushing your mother fucking buttons back. I'm proud of myself I was completely nice about what James did to me my mother was amazed that I was civil. I tried to reason with it to no avail he was dead set that he couldn't or wouldn't want to be a father. I look at him for the first time on how pathetic a person he really was and why did I ever decide that he was ever worthy of dating me I have no idea. I think I take in too many lost puppies that need to be saved or I want to fix everything I see that broken. Like my friends say Cassandra you can't fix everything that's broken but doesn't stop me from trying. Sometimes I feel like that I can never let someone in too close to me or Ill push away or I feel trapped. Marriage scares the ever living hell out of me completely what if I can't love that person for the rest of there life and if they love me in return how could I take that precious gift for granted. Or am I even worthy enough to give my love to someone and not have them hate me for it when I'm moody. I'm constantly weighing and analyzing everything that goes in my life am I doing too much too little ? I screwed up three relationships is something fundamentally broken with me that a person can't stand to be around me. Am I needy? To Independent cause I know I bounce between the two depending on my mood. I'll want you close and them be like fuck give me space I can't breathe and want to push you away. Anthony and everybody keeps coming over like I'm going to have this major melt down watching me I pretend that I'm not paying attention but I am. I see everything specially body language I pay attention to most things people don't. I like to watch people and see what they do is that strange? Sometimes I feel angry that I got the short end of the deal when it came to sex. I hate the mother fucking fact that every time your pathetic mother fucking ass attempted sex it was the most utterly failure sex I have ever endured. And when I told you about it you complained to me like it was my fault. That someone how I devastated your god damm ego that you couldn't even attempt to please your partner. The person whom you say saved your life from killing yourself because you were in such a pathetic place and couldn't go on living because DAO your wife was smart enough to leave you. I hate the fact that my mother talked me into staying when I really wanted to leave two years ago when I knew it wasn't working and trying to make something work when he is unworthy of Cassandra. I hated the guilt trips my mother would tell me and I hate failure don't like to fail at anything. My saving graces Megan and Gavin whom helped me when I have forgotten myself and let myself be dictated to by another or what they wanted me to be. I Cassandra will never be put myself in the position of what James did thinking that person was what he should of been. Now my child that I have growing inside me will not know you, can't know you, will not learn your weaknesses, and will not follow a bad example. All my children are beautiful and exceptional this child will be no different. I have yet to produce an ugly child and I pray this will carry over to my new son or daughter. Its strange I haven't felt pity for myself at all I think I felt disappointed that I person that I thought I knew could be so disgustingly pathetic. Am I the only one on the planet that believes in morals or some fundamental instilled value system. I know towards the end I completely resented the way you treated me sexually, emotionally, and the overwhelming neediness that you have. The insecurity you had with yourself that you tried to project it onto me. The fact that I'm smarter then you or better at things that me being smart was a bad thing. That you felt inferior to me was right you should of felt inferior to me but not for the reasons why you thought. I forgiven you but I don't have to like you and I will never speak to you Ill look thru you like you don't exist because you don't. Now I feel better in actually saying this out loud instead of just saying it to Megan. And the fact that I don't miss you at all should tell you something. I got over you in 6 hours and I'm extremely proud of myself my mother reminded me how strong i am and that was the nail that hit the head. I remembered myself and what Mo did to me and how I needed to be and that put things in motion. I took everything that even reminded me of you and put it in trash bags. Tomorrow ill think ill drop the rest of your shit to your parents so there is never an invitation for you to come to my house. I really want to move and disappear but thats not happening. I'll think ill settle for switching apartments for my own sanity I'm not sure if I have the self control not to want to smash my fists in his face. Gotta remind myself that violence is the primal instinct and i being the intelligent being should be above that. But sometimes seeing some blood shed really has some kind of satisfaction even if its fleeting.

I pity Gavin I'm trying not to incorporate my past experiences with him giving him complete trust which is easy... Your girl is completely and utterly smitten with you sometimes I forgot not to smile if that's possible. I make myself not text you because I know that I could possibly smother a person with too much texting. Sometimes I don't respond because I'm being mean and want to make you wait because I don't like this feeling that my happiness is so instant when I receive a text and it makes me smile. I don't like that I love the sound of your voice that even if im blind I would recognize you instantly. You told me you love my voice and I was thinking the same exact thing and refused to admit it. The facts are like fucking plain to me and I hate to even admit it to myself. I cringe at the effect or the way that you seem to have completely slipped through my guard so easily. You have always been my friend for so long that what if I don't have you? Ever wonder what existence would be like if you didn't have the person you love and you had to live your life without them and go on. How is such a task even possible where do you find that kind of strength? Ah but Cassandra dreams scary stuff when it comes true lots of stuff are like happening and its like deja vu. I knew this was going to happen it was just a matter of time and now that I have it what am I going to do with it. Am I even worthy of a person such as you Yeah I already know that answer but sometimes I have doubts even I can't be completely arrogant or vain im not perfect by any means. I can feel you thinking of me and its kind of uncanny that you fucking know that i just sit down and start to text me when I haven't even bothered to text you because im trying to control this butterflies in my stomache or my total and constant need to wanna talk to you. The feeling goes with Megan to I have to distance myself and thats so totally unworthy of you both. That one little damm word like muah can put a smile on my face that I can see you in my minds eye so completely that it scares me... Im happy by myself I know this I have my core happiness always have I'm silent and brooding peering at people with a microscope. I think I'm waiting for you to disappoint me and I'm sorry for it. I expect people to disappoint me and that's so fucking negative of me and I know it. It still boggles the mind that you want to even date a girl that's pregnant with another guys kid? Scares me that its so damm easy takes little or no effort I don't have to try it just is?! I hate the fact that you affect me and take me off guard that you push buttons that I didn't even knew existed. That with just words you touch my heart I feel loved by a person that has never met me one of my essential beings to my happiness my family. I cringe if I screw it up one of my best friends will be gone and I will be the one to blame. I fear that i may hurt you because I'm am responsible for the happiness of another person who is a beautiful soul. I don't want to destroy that light that's within you by being mean or insensitive. I'm afraid that I will hurt you Gavin might even destroy you or see you cry. Couldn't live with myself if I did your heart is too wonderful to hurt. What if I'm insensitive and hurt you out of being callous or just too plan stupid for my own good. which is so damm very easy your so damm charming for your own fucking good. I love the conversations most of the time its not perverted Gavin will slip something in there and ask me certain questions and I don't hesitate to answer. Grr your such a curious sort. Hmm I think imma refuse those pictures you asked for just on the merit that you ask everyone else for them which they obviously do otherwise you wouldn't have boobie pics and such. Imma be different and not give them to you! You can't continue to play the same thing you did with the other girls and have it work on me. Compared notes with Megan we pretty much know the same game you pull not that your not completely sincere in your pursuit of people just I don't want to be that person who is like everybody else. Not that I don't care I guess just that I refuse to be ordinary...

Megan texted me dead out of sleep and Im awake I hate it completely because now im here writing instead of being in the comfort of my own bed. So I leave this blog probably where I started being utterly confused on how lucky I am to have found this beautiful person who loves Cassandra Ellis. Holy Shit I said it out loud. Finally admitted it to myself and other people zomg. You read it first I am in love with Gavin Coak and it scares the utter living hell out of me my heart trembles with the repercussions of such an adventure. Wonders if your going to be the person who is finally going to break thru this wall that I put around myself?! I think I have written enough for one night. The writer comes out again holy hell im going to bed now or Megan will kill me....